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 Today's divination was... mixed. I think I understood it, but not entirely sure. 

Me: There seems to be an undercurrent to this card of not being able to speak clearly to others about a situation. I feel that way a little bit at my job (not going to tell them about pregnancy for a while yet) and a lot with my father (duh). 

Situation: Interestingly enough, this card seems to have been "the decision flipped back and forth". I got a letter in my email suggesting that the apartment background check had failed because of insufficient income. I took a deep breath, assumed that the company hadn't been able to track my job as it was so new, and passed the verification task off to my husband. Turns out they just mis-keyed something! We are approved, so we're on schedule to move this upcoming Saturday. 

Outcome: This card confused me. I expected - fully - for it to represent a confrontation of some type with my father. But we had a relatively pleasant chat when I stopped by at home for lunch, and he seems to be over at his girlfriend's tonight. Perhaps he sensed it in the air, and got outta Dodge. It wouldn't surprise me - we used to think along very similar lines. We probably still do. 

I'm relieved - I didn't want to have that confrontation. I just want to move away, to negotiate taking one mattress and some flower pots for my son and the herbs I'm going to bring with me, and to have some time to say goodbye to the garden and the fruit trees that I grew to care for over my time here. It seems like this year, this period even, is rubbing my face in my own past, forcing me to see it differently (truly?) and bid it farewell. I can't predict the future at all but emotionally, I never want to come back here. Part of me wishes we were moving much farther away. 

I can also recognize that as childish, in its way. I want to punish my father for failing me. Which... there's no need to do that; he'll do it himself, when he keeps away from his own grandchild out of fear for so long that my son forgets who he is. Ah, there it is - that's what breaks my heart. My son calls my father Grandpa, but not only did my dad not bother to say any sort of meaningful goodbye last weekend, he will probably not see him again for months, if ever. My kid's not a baby any more - he will notice when an adult HE LIVED WITH vanishes from the face of the fucking earth. What will I even tell him?? There's no excuse for this, none whatsoever. It's pure cruelty, thoughtlessly layered on top of our situation in which homeownership (and therefore place stability) is already not something I can even offer to my children. If I'd known that this is how our time in Portland as a multi-generational household was going to end... I would never have left Seattle. 

I have three more days here. Then I can stop seeing my father, or any reminders of him, and start healing. I will be recovered enough to have a cordial call with him at Christmas, I am pretty sure. 

Anyway, that seems to have been a miss, but I'm grateful for it. 

Divination for tomorrow, and then to bed...

Me: 8 of Diamonds - comfort through hard work

Situation: Ace of Spades - focus and clarity

Outcome: Ace of Hearts - emotional/creative/spiritual flow

A much better divination this time! :) Looks like a day of hard work at work, with a lot achieved, and then I feel better about life at the end of the day. Sounds good to me!

 Well, the cards predicted a rough day, and it was a bit of a rough day. 

Me: Yes, I faced a tough opponent today... my own father. My favorite parent, once upon a time. We had the conversation at a bench next to the farmer's market where we both shop on Saturday. I had prepared a financial report of sorts for my dad, and also made sure to emphasize that we weren't making this choice (to move out) out of anger, but that given the situation, this was the best choice for our family. 

It went... about as well as I could have hoped for, I guess. He admitted that the finances were sound, and that this was possible for us. But he very quickly recognized that he looked rather bad in this scenario, and so spent most of the conversation after the initial part lecturing me on how I hadn't solved the "actual" problem (how to keep myself perfectly protected from Delta, I guess) and that clearly my brain was too addled from pregnancy to think straight, and why didn't I just go to the local pregnancy center (the anti-abortion one) and ask THEM what vaccine to take, if finding an obstetrician to talk to was going to take longer than a weekend?? Yeah... I can't imagine why that possibly might not solve my problem. 

Because I wanted there to be some hope of family reconciliation in the future, I just nodded along and kept insisting that I was just too tired to handle anything else right now, things came at me too fast this week, and that I needed to think about the medium and long term as well as the short one. That COVID would eventually go away but the rent payments were unlikely to. He insisted loudly that he wasn't evicting me, that we could always come and move back in at any time for any reason, and I thanked him sincerely for that. I will hold him to it, should it be needed. Really what was going on there though was that he didn't want to be wrong, so, I let him be not-wrong. He ranted a bit about how if I didn't make it through the short term, no other term mattered! At this point I raised my voice slightly and informed him I am an adult and I will make my own choices. He backed down with a few parting shots I did not respond to, and we went to take a look at some recent art installations nearby. The conversation was finished. I believe our relationship is unchanged, that we both still love each other, and the vast majority of my thoughts on the matter will go forever unsaid. Victory - with mud all over my face. But, no clean wins were ever really possible. 

He is right in one way, though - one way which he will never actually know about. I've waited too long to source ivermectin. Really... I've been reading about it for months... I should have known better. I need to order that ASAP, and have it delivered--to our new apartment I guess. The site I found will take about 3 to 4 weeks to deliver. Fingers crossed it arrives before anyone I know is in danger. 

Anyway I was a bit down the rest of the day, with a lot of quiet ranting to myself, saying all the words I held back in the moment so that they didn't curdle inside too much. I also unburdened myself deeply to my husband at one point about matters I've written about here before. That would be the Situation card. 

Outcome: I think the main quotation from yesterday was entirely correct - I did lose something big and painful. I recognized after the conversation that I don't really want to leave this house, and its garden, and my dad's fix-it side I had hoped to learn so much more from... but there's no other choice now. Our new apartment is beautiful, the location is ideal and I know that the moment I actually move in there I will weep with joy and relief. But the dream of multi-generational housing that was working pretty OK... that's gone. And it hurts to lose it. I wanted us to be stronger together - for us all to pull together against the crazy age, and to fight all dangers at each other's side. But my dad is too afraid. 

Being separate, though, will allow me and my family to reach out - finally - to a wider community, without having to tip-toe around these fears and restrictions. It will allow me to purchase a generator and extra fridge ASAP without trying to explain endlessly to my dad why these things are really good to have right now. It will allow me to pile every last shelf high with non-perishable food, without asking any permission. It will allow me to eliminate sugary crap and creepy chemicals from ever being in our presence. So... I can still keep moving forward.

So tired... time to divinate. 

Me: King of Clubs (The Magician)

Situation: 9 of Clubs (The Sun)

Outcome: 6 of Spades REVERSED

Too tired to speculate, will look this up tomorrow, good night. 

I'm going to preface this by saying that I do not think today's divination was particularly accurate at all. And, honestly, that doesn't surprise me. I sorted the cards for nearly 5 minutes yesterday and jumped on the faintest possible "signal". Usually, the cards let me know which to pick within a minute, and quite strongly too. I suspect it was because I was so emotionally and spiritually disrupted yesterday, after reading JMG's hypothesis on ADE, that I literally could not access the sensitivity necessary to "read the cards". 

I'm doing much, much better today. I kept to my vow of not checking Ecosophia for a bit. (Other news sites focus on such pointless shit, don't they? It was actually a relief...) I decided that I was going to pour my emotions about the post into two directions: first, continuing to do whatever preparations I can for difficult times ahead, and second, in making sure that I spend as much time as possible with everyone I love who is willing to see me. After all, what's really changed? Who's to say that anyone and everyone I know won't just be hit by a bus, or contract cancer? None shall know the hour. I reached out to my mother-in-law and asked if she would be OK with me planting a tree on her property, for my Druid curriculum. She enthusiastically said yes! Given how much we have repaired our relationship, and learned to respect each other's boundaries, I think I can be comfortable with returning to usual visits. Thank the gods. 

Also, I wrapped up unemployment and all my job hunt activities (may I not need to do that again for a while), and completed and submitted my Druid curriculum. I think I can properly move forward now with both my new job and my spiritual path. 

In summary, I'm not entirely clear what the drastic problem was I solved (The Tower), what decision fell upon me that cut off one of the other path (Justice) or what pyrrhic victory I won (5 of Spades reversed). I think I'm gonna call that a bust. 

And... here's to hoping that I have returned to form!

Me: 8 of Spades (Justice) - Reason, Fairness "bringing a fair-minded attitude will be most auspicious"

Situation: Ace of Spades REVERSED - NO focus, clarity "avoid provoking a fight"

Outcome: Queen of Hearts (The Empress) - Fertility, Responsibility to Nature "love will bring the best outcome in this matter"

OK... this seems like a better divination, tomorrow will of course tell. Interesting that I have pulled the Justice card so many times lately... well, here's a narrative. I think that I will manage to be fair-minded tomorrow in all my dealings, but that may not mean that I complete all that many tasks. I should/will conduct my actions with love and a motherly role in mind. Might have something to do with nature, too? We will see!

Me card: I was a bit nervous about this one, having the nuance as it did of a deadly fight one might not necessarily win. What it seems to have been, though, was a reference to how I feel about my general situation - and that was what came out in my email to my mother-in-law today - I did not state it quite as bluntly as I am about to, but I am hyper-aware of what danger my family and I are in by our lack of social networks right now (and I do NOT mean Facebook!). A Fourth Turning is a bad, bad time to be an independent thinker. I am putting a lot of energy into trying to find ways to fit myself into a group that don't involve potentially sacrificing my own child. It SHOULD be easier than this, but, well, here we are. 

Situation card: Everything went so well for me today :) The universe is offering me a break, and by gum, I will accept it! My mother-in-law not only apologized to me directly for what happened, she told me that I'd shifted her perspective on vaccine refusers (!!). I had two interviews today (only being done for unemployment claim purposes) and both conversations were quite pleasant, and reminded me that there are options out there if something about Avery Denison doesn't work out. My health steadily improved throughout the day, I took a nice walk in the sun, I did floorcerzises at the request of my body, I did a ritual in the public park and I think I was decent entertainment for a mother and her son hanging out nearby, lol. Can't think of a better example of a day matching The Lovers, really!

Outcome card: "This card is telling the questioner that her best interests in this matter will be upheld by maintaining a non-confrontational stance. In addition, if a confrontation is feared, she can relax because it won't happen." Amen and amen to that, and full speed ahead with repairing my family relationships...!

Let's divinate to find out what tomorrow holds...

Me: 4 of Diamonds - Hesitation to help others, preoccupation with material possessions "security, protection, caution"

Situation: Jack of Spades - Caution, Potential

Outcome: Queen of Hearts (The Empress) - fertility, motherhood, "a sympathetic, loving woman will have a great deal to do with it"

Interesting - I hope that I can manage to be more generous than all that tomorrow! Nevertheless, a focus on security, I can see. This is mirrored by the Jack of Spades. This might represent something to do with my planned call with Violet tomorrow, too. Now of course my ears perk up whenever I get the Empress as the Outcome card... :) I still don't believe I am pregnant yet, that would genuinely surprise me, but I will keep an eye out for how this card might express itself without an actual pregnancy. And with that... time to cuddle my cute little toddler and get him to bed!

My cards yesterday all but called me out as being "lethally cranky" today, and well... I think that's about right. I'm so cranky I legitimately wondered if I should bother to write anything at all today, but... it does encapsulate some spiritual elements and this is a spiritual blog. Also, I'm kind of giving in (not that I had much choice) to the "stay awake at night and think about things" outcome card. So let's go. 

I've been working pretty hard to distract myself, with some success, but I can't deny that I'm not all that much happier about this potential new job than the Amazon one. There is a difference in my unhappiness - the scratching, writhing animal reaction that was going on for the Amazon job is thankfully absent - but the appetite and sleep disruptions are steaming right along. (Silver lining - I might lose some weight at this rate...) 

Part of me is like "that's it! That's the statement!" but of course, I have to figure out what to do about it in my actual life. 

What's making me lethally cranky is that unlike the Amazon position, I have no argument to justify backing out of this job that I can legitimately offer to anyone in my life. Mike at least would probably tolerate it - he has been hovering, annoyingly, all day, because he is an empathetic person and can no doubt feel my black mood like a fog. He has told me many times that he just wants me to be happy and I believe him. I wish I could flip a switch and get there. 

I don't want to get a vaccine and I WILL NOT at this time (not without data I feel that I can trust regarding infertility issues, which can't even exist per the laws of math for another 6 months minimum). So, since this is the thing I cannot budge on... everything else has to fall into place from there. But of course, this is the exact thing that next to no one in this society is capable of understanding. And unless I'm willing to lie - like, REALLY lie, like look into the face of a coworker and ostensible comrade and straight-up tell them an untruth they believe threatens their life with a smile - I am going to have to live under the mark of a decision no one else around me understands or sympathizes with. 

I have the strength to do this. More to the point, I have the gender and class privilege to do this - actively bearing and raising an infant as a middle-class married woman gives one an "out" in many ways, even in this increasingly anti-child society. But I don't have the strength, it feels to me right now, to do this and be cheerful about it. My black mood is extending from there. 

Mike so desperately wants me to be happy, he talked all day about how "People are calming down! They're gathering again without masks! We should go places with other people - maybe if we see them enough times, they'll be our friends someday! That's something to hope for, right?" Poor Mike - he can tell, I think, on a gut level that... well... I might be hitting a wall with society right now, period. 

I don't want to be unkind, or ungracious, and I certainly don't want to make anyone else feel unsafe. I know that roughly 80% or greater of the people we would be mingling with would immediately ban me from their group if they knew I was not vaccinated. And that makes me... not want to be there. 

I don't have the energy any more to navigate the impossible standards of left-leaning Portlanders - those raging hypocrites who will nod along with vaccination mandates, social distancing, etc. while of course constantly meeting all their friends (and attending BLM marches) constantly during this pandemic - just on the "down-low". People really are noticeably relaxing, but also I notice a very studious practice of trying not to talk about it. People are just going back to their lives and usual routines quietly. It's a good thing - but the moment they so much as bump into anyone, oh, it's all "I'm vaccinated! I'm vaccinated! I'm a GOOD PERSON!!" The moment one must interact with masks, or COVID, or getting close to another person not in your family, vaccination must be incanted, lest one be Unclean and Bad. I'm extremely tired of it, and seeing as I'd probably have to navigate it every fucking day on this fucking job, I have no appetite to deal with it in any way outside of the job. 

I don't want to navigate the Unitarian Universalist church (they're still meeting on Zoom anyway). I don't want to deal with Meet-Up groups. I don't want to deal with the few online friends that I keep up with, 100% of whom are vaccinated and child-free. I'm already off of social media and I'm staying off. I don't want to deal with my family - it's long past time that I keep Levi's maxim "...to be silent!" in mind, and practice it constantly. They (specifically my father, but also everyone else) don't need to know any more details of my job hunt, period, ever again. I'll be moving my desk out of the dining room and into the bedroom so that I no longer have to interact with anyone in this household except at a time of my choosing. I should probably have done that long ago! 

On the long-term positive side, I finally might be hitting a wall with the news - I've decreased my consumption dramatically, but there are still a few sites I visit across the spectrum - and I might be able to channel this negative energy into cutting them out of my life for good. That would probably improve my mental health dramatically! And move me away from screens, which is something I would like to do. I'm at the point where I'm thinking, what good does it do me to even read about events? I can't change them, and I already have my path. 

I'm extremely grateful that I made the decision to take up a spiritual path right now - if I didn't have this, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that I would be in a pit of absolute despair. As is typical in a Fourth Turning, there's not really anywhere to run right now - there's no "better place" anywhere I could reach. People have lost their minds and won't quickly regain them - at least not until things are REALLY bad, far and away worse than anything happening in this moment. I can neither prevent such bad times, nor bring them on any faster. The only realistic option is to suffer with dignity, and to keep as tight a hold as possible onto my personal ethics, so that I can retain the ability to look at myself in the mirror. And, hopefully... to welcome my child into this world in a year or so. 

The great thing about AODA Candidacy is that it gives me plenty to occupy my time with :) I've got my planned Earth Path curriculum written down in a notebook - there's a dozen books in there! I haven't made nearly as much progress on discursive meditation as I would like - that's a whole category I get to focus on, with endless possible work - I have The Cosmic Doctrine right there, to provide endless fodder for contemplation. I still need to complete the SOP (I have all the elements, just Spirit Above/Below to add in). I've got lists of local parks and nature areas to go hiking in, to try and connect in the real world with the knowledge in the books. My Bardic path, I believe, will be in "culinary arts" - I plan a 4-part proposed curriculum including mastering basic elemental cooking (Air = bread, Fire = campfire cooking, Water = soup/stew, Earth = fermenting), completing 75% of the recipes in my Mennonite cookbook on eating responsibly and serving them to my family, cooking something grown locally and in season and bought at the farmer's market every week for an entire year, and either eating or preserving everything that is growing in our garden right now. Oh - and making sure there's as little waste as possible from all of the above. So... 5 parts?? Also I'm going to keep trying to keep baby trees alive, and planting them in out-of-the-way areas. I'm discovering there's a hell of a learning curve to that!

None of this requires a community or friends (though I will continue looking into the Druid church options). I can putter around indefinitely all by myself. So, while I know that I won't reject social time or friendship that comes my way... I don't need to hunt it down. I have enough safety to wait until enough people have gone through the stages of grief about what's happening in our society, that my companionship might seem like a good deal, despite being an Unclean. 

To complete my review of my day, I did complete everything I needed to for the ceremony tomorrow. I suppose the positive, creative Queen card worked out that way :) Also, I looked again, and I could also do the ceremony under the same astrological conditions at the hours of 1:52 PM - 2:49 PM. So... I don't need to get up super early after all. 

The chamomile tea I am drinking is starting to kick in and calm me down, so I think I'm ready to do the divination. 

Me: King of Hearts - Sensitivity, Creativity, Career

Situation: Ace of Hearts REVERSED - NO creative, emotional, spiritual flow

Outcome: 8 of Hearts (The Moon) - Instinct, Mystery, Subtlety

Oh no, not another hearts sweep... :( But I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. I don't think Amazon is coming back - I'll still be continuing my job hunt, though, 100%! There's a great chance that any offer given will be rescinded once I announce my Unclean-ness, so I need to keep juggling. I have two potential leads, both of which I will follow up on tomorrow. I admit, I'd be pretty surprised if some part of the ceremony tomorrow wasn't done rotely, given my emotional state. But... the outcome suggests that I will reconnect with my instinctual self, and has a spiritual dimension. You know what? I'll take it. I'll take what I can get. 

Well - it has been a day. Unsurprisingly, a day which has once more gone according to the divination..!

I definitely spent most of the day being mad at the contracting company, because of HEALTH INSURANCE, which they didn't send me the whole paperwork on, and in which there was a possibility that I might end up working, effectively, for free. There were some strongly worded emails. Yes, I definitely felt like someone was pulling the wool over my eyes!!!

And... in the end, it wasn't as big an issue as I thought it was. There was no opponent. It wasn't quite a tempest in a teapot either, but... it got handled. 

I think my will on this had been united - at great cost, but I think I'm finally there. I think I will be able to take the job. I've said that like three times over the last three days lol, but this is the first time I've wondered if I actually need to use the therapy tag (I will anyway, just for completionism). So... hopefully I will wake up tomorrow finally feeling refreshed... and we will go from there. 

Let's do the divination for tomorrow, a day of shopping and packing to go to the beach. 

Me: Queen of Spades - Strategy, Intelligence, Ambition, the pointy end

Situation: 9 of Diamonds (The Hermit) - Sacrifice Without Regret, Self-Care

Outcome: 2 of Spades (The Hanged Man) - Peace Through Self-Discipline, Freedom from Distraction

Interesting... I hope I don't get the pointy end of the sword again tomorrow :/ I would like to just employ the usual amount of strategy... please? I'll keep my fingers crossed for the self-care end of the Hermit card. And... I would take either for the Hanged Man. Let's see... and hope for a quiet day tomorrow. 

 Rushing through this while kid is playing loudly in the bath. 

I'd say the divination was accurate. It's too hot today for me to be comfortable... period. Nothing particularly exciting happened. There was no opponent and no game. I did finally work through some feelings I had about the cat's death in my last post, and I recognized while I was writing them out that I approached the issue of the cat much like the King of Spades card - powerful, effective, distant, masculine, with a sheathed sword. 

I have drawn the King of Spades/Emperor card more often than any other, I'm fairly sure. I think... it represents me. I have a very strong masculine and intellectual side, which I play down somewhat in most interactions (I also feel completely and comfortably female, for the record). But inside my head, I've always felt tipped more to the masculine than feminine. No doubt my naturally high testosterone levels underlie this. But of course, I think there is a spiritual side to it as well (my previous incarnation). 

In any case... let's pull some cards while my kid is still distracted. 

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - the card I literally just said was me

Situation: King of Hearts - Sensitivity and Creativity channeled into Professional Success

Outcome: 10 of Spades (Judgement) REVERSED - NO waking up, announcement

Gotta love how creepy tarot can be sometimes! Looks like I will be fully, unambiguously myself tomorrow. COOL BEANS. The King of Hearts card either represents Amazon directly (the man is actually standing in a big body of water??) or that I will have career success in some way. The reversed judgement card... is way, way more ambiguous. It could either mean "it won't be decided today" or "you won't be waking up from your shitty tech career after all" or... I don't know. I've never drawn this card before, so I will need to learn what it means for me. 

COOL. BEANS.