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Daily div.
Well, uh... today's been a very interesting day!!
It started out normally enough, I slept in a bit after my big long post yesterday, I didn't check the news (still haven't, and don't intend to, indefinitely), and we went to the mall for entertainment/snacks and then grocery shopping as a family. In between the Natural Grocers and the Winco, I told Mike that I was doing fine overall, but I was still having waves of random exhaustion--and would until the interviews etc. for the current job under consideration were done--and so maybe this afternoon, would it be OK if I napped?
And then he said, "Do you need to turn down this job? I'd be OK with that. I just want the drama to stop."
This was followed by a heated (but not angry) conversation that ended up with us finally hitting upon the core emotional issue going on for me, which is that I feel like I've fought so hard and so long to have this second child, and I don't want to potentially make myself infertile seven mere weeks before we had finally agreed as a family to start trying to conceive said child, and this job is trying to pressure me into it, but I'd assumed that our conversation last week after rejecting Amazon where I specifically asked him how I can prove I am committed to our marriage and valuing his needs ended up with his asking me to pursue a career I really wanted, but there's nothing about this job I don't want - except that they're trying to pressure me into killing my baby, which is kind of taking the bloom off the rose? And maybe I could get a non-Amazon remote job instead, there's a possibility there and I'm working on it, but everything else new-career-wise I can think of costs money instead of earns it, and also takes away my time and energy from working on reducing our costs in a way that we can still enjoy our lives on a lower income, and we need the money for the baby, and if I could just have and hold this baby already, I'm not (too) afraid of the vaccine and I would consider getting the J&J just to make everyone else in my entire goddamn life leave me the fuck ALONE, but I just need to know that my choices aren't killing the baby before it can even implant in my womb, and no one on the face of the Earth can offer that to me right now, so all that's left is to endure everything I must over this final stretch until I can finally reach the other shore, and I can't really go through all this like a robot and thus drama, and oh god, why are there still seven weeks left of this hell???
(The conversation went about like that, I think that paragraph is pretty accurate to life.)
And Mike said "How about we just start trying to conceive right now, then?"
And I went "Bwuh?"
And I'll skip past the rest of it and just say that we decided as a couple that we could start trying to conceive, in fact, right now. Right now!
So there's the "Efforts Rewarded" and the "Excess" all smashed together (heh) - making this decision was like a dam bursting. We've gone through at least a half-dozen "Really? Really. Really? Really." mood swings over the rest of the day, but mostly in a good way. I mean, I definitely have a bias for action and all that (lol Amazon terminology) but usually I carefully plan huge life shifts like this one. This was kind of like "WELP LET'S GO" which was quite romantic, but also a bit of a shock for us both!
I went outside after that conversation and did the SOP and had a breakthrough with that as well - I am working on the Earth part, currently, and though I had been doing the visualizations, I hadn't quite reached a full understanding of the meaning of the element. This time, I actively reached out to my own body - asking it what it needed to be happy, healthy, and to successfully bear my next child. I became quite emotional! I've been telling my body to STFU for such a long time... I was physically happy in Seattle--despite the rampant social destruction and the desecration of the modern building spree--because I was free to walk human-sized blocks every day, and to go to the gym and lift weights a few times a week. Then we moved to Portland to try and buy a house, we've been living ever since in a suburb without sidewalks or much worth walking to, and of course there was a period during the beginning of COVID where I spent 20 hours a day in my room... even going back to downtown, almost everything was closed, the skies were sepia in the fall, and everything in the entire world tried to coerce me to "GET BACK INSIDE." At one point I tried to cut back on food and became briefly suicidal. Obviously, my body has been cycling through various levels of unhappiness, but I've told it again and again these past few years to STFU - to push on a little longer - to be satisfied with this or that workaround - to be subservient to this or that mandate, so that we could keep staggering on towards various goals. Can... can this self-torture finally end? Can I relax, and finally get my body what it wants and needs to make me happy and healthy??
I've been holding back on getting a gym membership again, for example, because I'm trying to bring our costs down as far as possible. But we've both agreed in one of our many conversations today, that I should just go ahead and join. It's not that expensive, and it's time to get this body in proper order for its next task. I'm sure I'll be coming up with a lot of things that it's time to go ahead and get done, now that I think of it...
I also said a prayer to my future child - telling them that we've finally become ready to welcome them, and when and if they feel it is right, they can come here and live with us.
Looking at that Queen of Clubs card again, I notice the cat-queen is holding a little kitten in her arms! That doesn't mean "pregnancy" (that would be the Empress, and also, I'm not pregnant TODAY--probably--and when I do become pregnant I probably won't need a test to recognize it, based on previous experience) but it does indicate some things?? :) What an unexpected yet on-point outcome!
Let's do some divination about tomorrow's interview, and hopefully going in and formally joining a gym after that. Oh, I've been so miserable for so long - it's not like we're going to have less work and hassle going forward with this choice, but finally, finally I feel so happy! :)
Me: 7 of Spades (The Chariot) - A triumph, a breakthrough, an inventive solution
Situation: Queen of Spades - pointy pointy ouch ouch
Outcome: 10 of Clubs - A Responsibility, A Burden
Well... it isn't going to be rainbows and unicorns tomorrow. Not entirely surprising! I think the Me card is about right - I hope to keep a sense of triumph tomorrow - and, alas, the Queen of Spades rears her head again. How interesting that the King of Spades seems to be me interacting with the world when I feel like I have some control, and the Queen of Spades is maybe me interacting with the world when I don't have so much control... but I'll take my karma in the teeth, why not? I hope I come down on the responsibility side of the outcome card. But we'll just have to see, won't we? We'll just have to see!
It started out normally enough, I slept in a bit after my big long post yesterday, I didn't check the news (still haven't, and don't intend to, indefinitely), and we went to the mall for entertainment/snacks and then grocery shopping as a family. In between the Natural Grocers and the Winco, I told Mike that I was doing fine overall, but I was still having waves of random exhaustion--and would until the interviews etc. for the current job under consideration were done--and so maybe this afternoon, would it be OK if I napped?
And then he said, "Do you need to turn down this job? I'd be OK with that. I just want the drama to stop."
This was followed by a heated (but not angry) conversation that ended up with us finally hitting upon the core emotional issue going on for me, which is that I feel like I've fought so hard and so long to have this second child, and I don't want to potentially make myself infertile seven mere weeks before we had finally agreed as a family to start trying to conceive said child, and this job is trying to pressure me into it, but I'd assumed that our conversation last week after rejecting Amazon where I specifically asked him how I can prove I am committed to our marriage and valuing his needs ended up with his asking me to pursue a career I really wanted, but there's nothing about this job I don't want - except that they're trying to pressure me into killing my baby, which is kind of taking the bloom off the rose? And maybe I could get a non-Amazon remote job instead, there's a possibility there and I'm working on it, but everything else new-career-wise I can think of costs money instead of earns it, and also takes away my time and energy from working on reducing our costs in a way that we can still enjoy our lives on a lower income, and we need the money for the baby, and if I could just have and hold this baby already, I'm not (too) afraid of the vaccine and I would consider getting the J&J just to make everyone else in my entire goddamn life leave me the fuck ALONE, but I just need to know that my choices aren't killing the baby before it can even implant in my womb, and no one on the face of the Earth can offer that to me right now, so all that's left is to endure everything I must over this final stretch until I can finally reach the other shore, and I can't really go through all this like a robot and thus drama, and oh god, why are there still seven weeks left of this hell???
(The conversation went about like that, I think that paragraph is pretty accurate to life.)
And Mike said "How about we just start trying to conceive right now, then?"
And I went "Bwuh?"
And I'll skip past the rest of it and just say that we decided as a couple that we could start trying to conceive, in fact, right now. Right now!
So there's the "Efforts Rewarded" and the "Excess" all smashed together (heh) - making this decision was like a dam bursting. We've gone through at least a half-dozen "Really? Really. Really? Really." mood swings over the rest of the day, but mostly in a good way. I mean, I definitely have a bias for action and all that (lol Amazon terminology) but usually I carefully plan huge life shifts like this one. This was kind of like "WELP LET'S GO" which was quite romantic, but also a bit of a shock for us both!
I went outside after that conversation and did the SOP and had a breakthrough with that as well - I am working on the Earth part, currently, and though I had been doing the visualizations, I hadn't quite reached a full understanding of the meaning of the element. This time, I actively reached out to my own body - asking it what it needed to be happy, healthy, and to successfully bear my next child. I became quite emotional! I've been telling my body to STFU for such a long time... I was physically happy in Seattle--despite the rampant social destruction and the desecration of the modern building spree--because I was free to walk human-sized blocks every day, and to go to the gym and lift weights a few times a week. Then we moved to Portland to try and buy a house, we've been living ever since in a suburb without sidewalks or much worth walking to, and of course there was a period during the beginning of COVID where I spent 20 hours a day in my room... even going back to downtown, almost everything was closed, the skies were sepia in the fall, and everything in the entire world tried to coerce me to "GET BACK INSIDE." At one point I tried to cut back on food and became briefly suicidal. Obviously, my body has been cycling through various levels of unhappiness, but I've told it again and again these past few years to STFU - to push on a little longer - to be satisfied with this or that workaround - to be subservient to this or that mandate, so that we could keep staggering on towards various goals. Can... can this self-torture finally end? Can I relax, and finally get my body what it wants and needs to make me happy and healthy??
I've been holding back on getting a gym membership again, for example, because I'm trying to bring our costs down as far as possible. But we've both agreed in one of our many conversations today, that I should just go ahead and join. It's not that expensive, and it's time to get this body in proper order for its next task. I'm sure I'll be coming up with a lot of things that it's time to go ahead and get done, now that I think of it...
I also said a prayer to my future child - telling them that we've finally become ready to welcome them, and when and if they feel it is right, they can come here and live with us.
Looking at that Queen of Clubs card again, I notice the cat-queen is holding a little kitten in her arms! That doesn't mean "pregnancy" (that would be the Empress, and also, I'm not pregnant TODAY--probably--and when I do become pregnant I probably won't need a test to recognize it, based on previous experience) but it does indicate some things?? :) What an unexpected yet on-point outcome!
Let's do some divination about tomorrow's interview, and hopefully going in and formally joining a gym after that. Oh, I've been so miserable for so long - it's not like we're going to have less work and hassle going forward with this choice, but finally, finally I feel so happy! :)
Me: 7 of Spades (The Chariot) - A triumph, a breakthrough, an inventive solution
Situation: Queen of Spades - pointy pointy ouch ouch
Outcome: 10 of Clubs - A Responsibility, A Burden
Well... it isn't going to be rainbows and unicorns tomorrow. Not entirely surprising! I think the Me card is about right - I hope to keep a sense of triumph tomorrow - and, alas, the Queen of Spades rears her head again. How interesting that the King of Spades seems to be me interacting with the world when I feel like I have some control, and the Queen of Spades is maybe me interacting with the world when I don't have so much control... but I'll take my karma in the teeth, why not? I hope I come down on the responsibility side of the outcome card. But we'll just have to see, won't we? We'll just have to see!