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Yep, I did fit one very common stereotype of pregnancy today - I spent a large chunk of it very, very emotional. Now I've been rather emotional for weeks, but what I felt today was... a deep sadness, the sort that makes tears well up in your eyes as you're doing data entry at work (not that common of an emotion for me usually!). It was different from the waves of anger, numbness, and grief that have been hitting me lately - it gave me, at least as of this moment, some catharsis. I can admit to myself - I'm very sad about what's happened between me and my dad. It's rocked one of the foundational assumptions of my childhood and young adulthood.

I have my children because of reasons that go beyond reason and logic and don't regret that in the slightest, but at this point, all reasonable and logical reasons to have had them are gone. Both of my parents - 100% of my DNA - are depressingly not even up to their own standards. (Meritocracy therefore proclaims even my blood to be insufficient. I've... mostly worked through that.) Having grandchildren didn't make them go above and beyond themselves - in fact just the opposite. I assumed that in a tough spot, they might not be there for me per se (I always knew better), but that grandchildren would bring out the best in them. This... was a naïve assumption. Times are hard, as hard as they've ever been, and they've both dropped us all cold to enjoy a new boyfriend (in my mom's case) and self-righteous isolation (in my dad's case). I like and prefer working a job, generally, but I'd dreamed that I could take things a bit easier this pregnancy. Nope - I'm working my ass off every day through waves of exhaustion and (so far) light nausea, and haven't even had time to look around for a physician. Assuming everything goes well, I'll have a measly 3 months off, and then right back to it - it's necessary to pay our high rent. I want to breastfeed for the first year, but the logistics of that make me want to cry (more). I'm just assuming that we'll have to bite the bullet and become True Americans(tm) by getting into credit card debt (to hire a nanny that brings the baby to me at the office 2 or 3 times a day - not even sure that will work, but that's all I've come up with so far...). 

And all this means that... I'm just going through what every working class mother in this brutal country has endured for years. That's something I can accept, for karmic purposes. But that I'm going through this in part because my own parents threw me to the wolves, when they had swore since I was a little child that they would do the opposite... is difficult. I'm very sad. My inner child is crying, a lot. It thought it was loved and valued more than this. I know what I have to do and I will do it (direct deposit cleared today; I just have to pay the last utility bill for my dad's place and then I can properly sever relations). But I didn't want to live in a world where my dreams of family uniting together to help raise the next generation were just so much rose-colored bunkum. Where the lesson I have to take away from this is never to trust a family member farther than I can throw them, and that any relationship I choose to maintain will have to continue only under conditions of vigorous boundary maintenance. Where I can never, ever relax again with the people who were once my sanctuary. Because my childhood home and family are as gone from this world as if they'd all been burned up in a fire, or drowned under a thousand feet of water. 

But... at least after feeling this deep grief, I felt... calmer than I have for a while. I finally worked my way down to something fundamental. That's definitely a relief. 

I think the Celebration card is still my feelings (and ESPECIALLY my husband's feelings) about this new apartment - he is THRILLED, in the best mood he's been in in AGES. And... I can piggyback on that a bit, at least. 

The Outcome card - I did much better at work today. I even fixed the water dispenser! So that makes me the creative woman, little one on board, after all ;) 

Let's divinate and get the big kid to bed...

Me: Jack of Clubs - curious, inquisitive, young

Situation: 5 of Clubs (The Devil) REVERSED - "the answer will come from confronting your fears and consulting your moral compass"

Outcome: 2 of Clubs REVERSED - "situation will lead to an exciting conclusion, jump in with both feet!"

The first two make sense... the last one, eep! I don't know if I have the energy! We'll see. 

 Want to get more sleep tonight... let's review quickly. 

Me: Yes, I became more comfortable through hard work - I put in the time and learned a bunch at work today, and regained kudos from the manager to boot. 

Situation: Yep, I was creative for sure - I managed to do a whole day of work AND finish up getting our lease paperwork arranged and signed. Go meeeee.

Outcome: I think I got the Queen of Spades again as a notification that I didn't quite get it right yesterday. Too tired to go into it, but what I'm learning right now is the hard limit of multi-generational family living. I had quite a gauzy view of it in 2019. Now I've got a good hard dose of its reality. If I ever do this again in the future... I will need to approach it in an entirely different way, with zero sentimentality whatsoever. That feels like the appropriate karmic lesson to take away. 

Let's divinate...

Me: Ace of Clubs (Strength) REVERSED - not very strong, tough love, sticking up for one's rights

Situation: 10 of Diamonds REVERSED - instability in a family caused by taking risks

Outcome: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) REVERSED - rushed for time

Yeah... I don't even know if I need to write out the narrative. Me feeling weak after this long, terrible week. Our family up until now officially breaking apart, with us younger ones forced to take a huge financial risk. And feeling wrung out and rushed with all the things we need to do... ah well. Could it ever be otherwise? To bed, to bed.

 Jumping in here, I went to bed too early last night to get this in! I think I had a remarkably accurate divination. 

Me: I definitely did go into the day, and the HR meeting scheduled, thinking/fearing I was about to be treated unfairly. That... was not the case! It was a very normal HR meeting about benefits etc. without one gasp of COVID anything. Thank goodness! :)

Situation: I did my work, felt rather creative and productive, and me and baby ate a bunch of things that we wanted to <3

Outcome: I realized at the end of the day that it had been a good day. I laid down several burdens of fear. It was also a boring day, which, thank all the gods in existence for that, and may I have some more, please??

Well, let's see!

Me: 2 of Diamonds (The High Priestess) REVERSED - Finding out more info about a mystery about which not all will ever be revealed

Situation:10 of Spades (Judgment) REVERSED - don't walk away, you need to hang on to something a little longer - sleepy?? 

Outcome: 5 of Spades REVERSED - a gnarly opponent/situation against whom I may not win

Oog... not such a great forecast. Hopefully this will be a case where it refers to very, very small things, like tarot cards are SUPPOSED to. Fingers crossed!

 It's been one heck of a day so this one oughta be brief... for what passes as brief on my blog, lol.

First, the Me card - I was able to be optimistic-ish in conversations with a friend or two, which ended up taking up about half my day. The little one in arms turned out to be rather literal, as the daycare returned my son to us as he developed the sniffles. And on that note...

Hoo BOY was the situation card accurate! Not in that I somehow didn't get the job - through great perseverance I was, in the end, permitted to piss in a cup - but I had NO COMFORT today. Going to the urgent care as a walk-in was stressful in a way I find hard to define. Everyone there was miserable, but in a silent and resigned way, both staff and patients alike. For one thing, they asked my COVID vaccination status on their paperwork. I gritted my teeth and figured this was, very technically, between me and a doctor but... still. I am pretty sure at this moment that unless I am spurting blood or the equivalent--or as long as this frankly evil trend in our culture of requiring drug tests for people whom drug use would not hamper in the performance of their job, continues--I will never visit an Urgent Care again. Ever. 

They had some vapid TV show on, like nails on a chalkboard, which I being the only person without a smartphone/earplugs was forced to listen to (literally everyone else had their face buried in a phone), and I begged them to turn it off... which they refused, claiming that otherwise conversations might be able to be overheard in the offices. Really? Their construction budget was that fucking cheap?? Thankfully they let me sit in my car after that to continue the hour-long wait. But what if I hadn't had a car? I am stunned on a daily basis by how cruel this country is to the poor, and how utterly wretched the public sphere has become. It was so striking today, that I actually gave money to the people at the stoplight with a sign - usually I give food or nothing. But perhaps I should force myself to more regularly have food, by forcing myself to pay money (which I dislike doing) if I don't. Adopting that rule might genuinely compel me to offer up more direct charity than I have been. And it's a good time to be charitable, don't you think? 

Anyway, after that, and with my kid around, I could NOT relax. It sure as hell was the opposite of "comfort"! I begged my husband to buy me comfort food, all of which I devoured, and it isn't currently doing anything good for my health as it works through my system, either. I desperately distracted myself with long online conversations while my son watched train videos on Youtube, entranced (not my peak parenting moment or anything, but hey... he could be watching Blippi instead). It wasn't until I went outside, after my husband's work was finally over, and did a ritual that I started to gain myself back a bit. 

And as for the outcome card, I think in this case it meant "You suck at multitasking." I didn't get done even half the things I wanted to! :( Fortunately this shouldn't overly affect the event I'm hosting tomorrow - so long as I don't come down with my kid's cold, that is. We'll just SEE about that...

And I think we've come to the divination, so we will see. 

Me: 3 of Spades - Moving beyond Sorrow, Understanding one's own Feelings - the other source suggests an unpleasant medical connection with this card

Situation: King of Diamonds - Generosity, Happiness found in Nature or Spirituality

Outcome: 4 of Clubs REVERSED - NOT solid foundations, celebration, stability - "this card is still promising great happiness - some ironic little twist diminishes a potentially joyful resolution." 

LOL, this one seems pretty clear...I'll have a full-blown cold tomorrow, because of course. I will disclose to all attendees and wear a mask if they request, and keep us all outside and spaced far apart in any case. We will bond over nature and spirituality - seems right in line :) And though there will be a bittersweet tinge to it, the outcome overall will be happy. I'll take it! This feels like a very realistic take, lol. And on that note... time to get enough sleep to prepare for tomorrow!

 I was slumping along today until I made an impromptu decision to eat half a block of cheese (a European-sized block, to be clear!). Now I feel almost normal! Yay for cheese! :)

(But the cheese rescue didn't come early enough to finish this post... catching up now!)

Yesterday's divination was interestingly diverse... I wondered how the heck the celebration card and the Queen of Spades were going to get along... and the answer was, "awkwardly". I think I was celebrating - all of my references got back to me, and I've got almost all of the onboarding paperwork done - just gotta piss in a cup in some dingy office, and we're golden. I don't even do drugs (even alcohol is difficult to binge on for me) so it seems like I'm about to embark on the next phase of my life! :) I don't currently feel deep existential dread, either... and now that I write those words... perhaps I am celebrating THAT more than anything else. 

And... as usual...the Queen of Spades promised pain, and delivered. While filling out reference information today, even though I had the required minimum, the software wanted me to provide several more to "complete" the task, including one more manager. Trying to think back to the last actually good manager I had prior to the one who'd already promised to review me, I couldn't think of how to contact him outside of Facebook. So I signed back in to that dreadful software. 

I decided to quickly scan the feed to see how some of the contacts I only know through there are doing - bad idea! Bad idea!! - and I found out: someone found a lost cat; someone went on a nicely challenging mountain hike; someone's front porch was ransacked, probably by her political enemies; and the spouse of a dear friend of mine cross-posted an article titled "Why We Should Just Force Everyone To Get Vaccinated Already." 

I clicked out of Facebook like it was on fire, and wrote to the HR person to request that they just go ahead with the references I already had. This was accepted. 

The pointy end pierced me straight through as I sat there afterwards and realized that, most likely, I will never see that poster in person ever again... and due to the close connection... my dear friend, either. As in most Fourth Turnings, the times are determined to viciously divide us, in ways none of us could ever have predicted even two short years ago.

Who would have thought that I, for my part, would have ever questioned taking a vaccine? I got myself injected with Gardasil, the most recent new vaccine I can remember, as fast as I could get access to it. I was thrilled to have a lower chance of cervical cancer (I got it while too old for it to be perfectly protecting). I usually get a flu shot - I've only skipped them due to scheduling inconvenience, and always regretted it. I couldn't have imagined that this miracle of modern medicine might ever need to be resisted. 

And who would have thought that this Facebook user - a hyper-rationalist, trans, union leader who I always deeply admired for her solid grasp on finances - would have ever cross-posted on a public forum something advocating for an insufficiently tested medical treatment to be forced upon everyone in the country, using every method short of a gun to the head? 

As I told my husband when I could finally speak about it (it took a few hours)... I forgive her. She is trans, and that comes with many, many medical complications. Obesity out of the suffering of her childhood; the transition hormones, which seem to not be interacting very well with her system; other issues that keep popping up, then side effects from the medications she is taking to treat said other issues, and so on, and so on... I think at one point she had lockjaw and had to eat through a straw for a while. She's been a shut-in since long before COVID kicked off - staying upstairs during my family's visits, most of the time, due to not feeling well. Per my friend, she was upset enough about her father's passing (a year before COVID) that I was able to read between the lines and suss out that she isn't emotionally prepared to face the ending of her life just yet, either. No different from most people, of course! 

The point I'm trying to make here, is that should anything change about the society we currently live in - and I mean ANYTHING - she may very well actually die. If any circulated diseases are incompletely vaccinated against or become even more so; if the medical infrastructure shudders and she is unable to access emergency treatment from some medication reaction in time;  if there is a disruption in the medical supply chains, which cut off any of her medications or the transition hormones, and she is then unable to access medical care for withdrawal symptoms; and of course if there is a huge backlash in this country against rank Democrat mismanagement and the Republicans take control--trans people have been portrayed as the ultimate child-devouring bogeyman among that crowd for years now, and now that we no longer "do" medical privacy, will likely be served up on a silver platter to appease the mob...

Can I really blame her, for advocating for a policy that she believes would protect what she has, or even save her life? No, and who could?! Even if I were to tell her all the reasons why it won't work... how could she possibly hear anything other than "You're going to die, and you have to deal with it"??

She's one of the people I have feared for the most throughout all this mess. But... I can no longer protect her. That moment--in which I realize that there are people I care about who I can neither help nor save--has arrived. I would have hidden her in my home. I still will, if she asks. 

My outcome card was "choosing security over risk" and as this was the day that my last real concern about not getting this job somehow dissolved, I feel that I have chosen the security of a well-paying job over the risk of crouching in my home until the unemployment finishes paying out. Then again, looking at the world we live in today... what is safety? What is risk? I've chosen the path that society thinks is the ideal one, for sure, and that has its own rewards. It will be good to be paid, to have healthcare and dental. But there's no such thing as a perfectly safe choice. Not in these times, and not in any times.  

On that lovely note, let's get today's divination done, and go on a walk. 

Me: Queen of Clubs - creative, optimistic, holding a little one

Situation: 6 of Clubs (The Tower) REVERSED - thank god no earth-shattering realizations to come today, "more of a manageable or expected change, the questioner able to handle it graciously"

Outcome: 2 of Clubs REVERSED - no discussion or debate, "will lead to an adventurous, exciting conclusion - the questioner needs to jump in with both feet!"

The cards are lightening up, hooray! A straight clubs flush - does that mean I'll be particularly creative or daring today? And on that note... I'd better go schedule peeing in a cup. Back tonight!

During the hour of Jupiter, in a waxing moon in the sign of Cancer, I completed the self-initiation ritual of Candidacy in the AODA. 



As you can see from the picture above, I chose to do it outdoors, in my backyard, on a white-painted table. I decided against draping it with a white cloth because where I am right now the grass is bone-dry, and I didn't want to add to the fire risk. (I also prepared a bucket of water, and put it the west side of the table.) I lit cedar incense in a burner for the first time ever, getting it started as I set up the altar. I draped myself in my unprepared robe (just a piece of shirtcloth I had cut a hole in for my head, kind of like a ghost costume) and put the yellow cord on the eastern part of the table. 

I had read through the ceremony several times before starting, but I read it again silently as I went through the phases. Wherever it asked me to speak, I spoke aloud. 

There was an interesting juxtaposition for the guide - I very much heard the words read in the current Archdruid's voice (a woman a few years older than me, American accent, etc), but I visualized a very old man, dressed in an unbleached robe, eyes blind, with a long and scraggly white beard, a crown of mistletoe draping down the sides of his head. He accompanied me, mouth not opening and eyes not blinking, for the first half of the ritual, though I completed it on my own. 

The first two parts of the ceremony, I spent a fair bit of time contemplating my intentions, as the ritual requests. I asked myself, and not-myself, several times whether or not I was ready to do this. Whether this was appropriate for me. 

What resonated with me - what grounded me in my assent to those questions, and made me calm - was the word "Knowledge". I absolutely wish to walk a path of knowledge, even if that knowledge isn't always pleasant or easy. 

I don't believe that I've written more than a little bit about the, well, religious part of my... awakening? I've been using the word 'enlightenment'... earlier this year. I remembered a past life, which opened my mind to a dimension beyond the material. But I also perceived, almost in a flash, a universal system that enwrapped all human beings on Earth, with two parts: karma, and the option of walking a path "forward". The underpinning was reincarnation - any given soul will be incarnated as many times as is necessary/they choose. The conditions of each new life will be affected by karma incurred from past lives. Justice is perfect, in all the wonderful and all the terrible ways that phrase implies. All those who steal will be stolen from, all those who abuse will be abused, and on down the line. In this vision, free will is the linchpin - all choices made, knowingly or unknowingly, one will be held responsible for. Suffering is the instructor - the blowback from poor choices are visited upon the soul as often as is necessary to inform them of right and wrong. And the "reward" - perhaps the point? - is knowledge. All the lessons of being in a human incarnation must be learned, one after the other (and though all the lessons of Christianity are among them, they by no means encompass all of them), and karma ensures that opportunities to master each one are laid in front of us. Once one has knowledge, one can step more deftly amidst the strands of karma. And in those steps, the path forms. 

Also, I sense that there exists an immense loving power in the universe, which watches over us at all times - but its interpretation of love and ours is not the same, and we don't always feel it as love. Some souls need its care more than others, and some souls need it more at some times than others. I don't have a name for it, and I don't think that its existence disproves the existence of other gods, spirits, etc. I have been touched by it a few times, and have nothing but gratitude for the experience. But I have no illusions that in the end, I must do the work. This power can support, it can even guide, but it cannot take away the responsibility. 

I don't know what the end point of the path is - I only have a vague sense that a soul "leaves". I also feel, though, that it isn't important. Like I can't possibly understand what's beyond the end, and I can only guess that I will have another path to walk that's as different from this one as this one is from the path I walked "before". 

What was especially wonderful about this realization, was that in a flash, every action of every other human being on Earth became "okay". Not that evil stopped being evil, or mistakes stopped being mistakes, but that I saw them in their whole context. Each soul is learning its lesson at its own pace, and every choice merely brings them towards either a positive or negative reinforcement. It was incredibly relaxing to realize that I don't need to "fix" anyone else. If advice is asked for, of course I can offer it, but my words are useless compared to the lessons karma is winding up to teach them. And, for most souls, only the extreme suffering of karma is able to instruct them appropriately. My own soul is no different. I've gone through my own chunk of karma over the past few years, no advice could have kept it from me, and more may well be on its way. The key point being that all we have meaningful control over in this existence are our own choices. So my focus must always be first and foremost on my actions, because that's what moves me forward along the path, and avoids racking up extra karma through narcissistic meddling. What I need to extend to other souls, in most cases, is empathy. Not fixing! I was once where they are now, in most cases, and I learned my own lessons the hard way, as they must in turn. 

Even though this felt an awful lot like enlightenment (just without the flashy lights and trippy stuff, which doesn't really appeal to me anyway) I also realized instantaneously that it changed absolutely nothing about my life. This might just be a me thing - the incredible privilege of having a previous incarnation that did so much work already - but I had already been less-consciously living my life along these principles. I referred to it as the "being able to look in the mirror" rule; specifically, that I always make the best possible choice available to me, so that I could retain self-respect no matter the outcome. Understanding the answer to all the major spiritual questions humans tend to ask just meant that... I still needed to figure out how best to deal with my terrible job, balance out my difficult family, love my husband, and raise my child. Because they are the point. The point of life is to solve the exact problems that are laid in front of you in the course of it. No more, no less. 

One particular Zen koan nails it: "Before enlightenment--chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment--chop wood, carry water." 

I went on a bit there (I'm awfully tired) but knowledge is what I choose to seek, and the path of knowledge is the one I desire to walk once more in this life. 

I returned to the altar for the third part of the ritual, tied my belt, and began to light the candles/do the SOP as was in the instructions. And here was where we ran into a few issues... 

First, despite being a hot day, it was also a bit windy. The first three candles I lit (Air, Fire, Water) stayed lit throughout - the Earth candle had to be relit a few times - and then the Spirit Below/Above/Within candles were immediately blown out. The incense also ran out after the Fire candle - next time, I'll bring a backup! (Interestingly enough I think this was when my guide departed as well - not least because I was distracted.) Also, I think I may have learned a lesson or two about doing a long intensive ritual at the peak heat of the day in direct sunlight... I finally gave in to the situation on the ground and dragged my altar table into a more protected location. 

At this point, I was going through match after match trying to relight the three central candles, which kept blowing out. (I also note that, coincidentally, I was having trouble with the exact elements that I have yet to add into my daily SOP...Earth is the one I'm currently working through...) At one point I shouted "PLEASE, let me complete the ritual, PLEASE!" And then a voice inside me said "It will be how it will be." I calmed down immediately, managed to light the last candle with one of the last matches, and completed the ritual without any more problems. 

The last thing worth mentioning is that during the last rounds of ritual questions, I was able to submit to the idea that the AODA might reject my curriculum plans, in which case I would have to draw up new ones. I accepted this potential outcome and vowed to go forward and complete a different curriculum if necessary. 

Since it's so late, I will do my divination as well. I am not quite sure why I was the King of Hearts today, but there's a sense of navigating a stormy sea (the King is drawn as a ship captain) that seems about right. The ceremony didn't go perfectly smoothly, but it did what it needed to do. And I guess I felt pretty mystical today, both at points during the ceremony, and as I wrote down my reflections. Let's get tomorrow's cards and go to bed. 

Me: 3 of Clubs - Efforts Rewarded, Success in Business

Situation: 9 of Hearts - Selfishness, Excess

Outcome: Queen of Clubs - Confidence, Strength

I am OK with this outcome - I feel like I worked through a lot over the past few days, so efforts rewarded it is! I'll need to keep an eye out for selfish behavior, or any variety of "too much", but I'd be glad to go into the end of the day feeling strong. And on that note... time for BED.

 Oof. Another divination all too accurate... I took my 4 mile+ walk (it was probably more like 6 in the end), but forgot to take sun protection, and forgot (afterwards) to eat enough - as sometimes happens to me when I exercise a lot. So... guess what, I didn't get much done! The cards called it, I was the Fool ^^; I did at least buy the incense/print the ceremony, so those are ready to go. I guess tomorrow will be a lot of sitting around and sewing, lol! 

The High Priestess was a bit less clear to me... but I'm neck deep in astrological timing for my ceremony tomorrow, thank you Violet, so it seems like the "mystery" and "processes happening out of sight" aspect of the card (per my external source) ended up happening after all. 

And, so that I can get some sleep and recover from my Fool antics, let's do this divination...

Me: 5 of Spades REVERSED - A pyrrhic victory, at great cost

Situation: Queen of Clubs - Confidence, Strength, optimism/competence

Outcome: 9 of Spades - The Thoughts that Keep a Person Awake, struggle to make sense of events

Sigh... doesn't seem like things are likely to let up, does it :( I'm guessing that tomorrow, I will be "victorious" over my feelings about this upcoming job (sort of) but it won't make me healthier or happier. The situation does make it seem like I will have a chance to get through my tasks, at least! And then... I'll need to prepare myself for more worries, or disrupted sleep. I don't know if they'll all be about the job though? It does seem a bit TOO on the nose to be just that... well... we'll just have to see. I'll take solace in one thing - none of them are Major Arcana!