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Yep, I did fit one very common stereotype of pregnancy today - I spent a large chunk of it very, very emotional. Now I've been rather emotional for weeks, but what I felt today was... a deep sadness, the sort that makes tears well up in your eyes as you're doing data entry at work (not that common of an emotion for me usually!). It was different from the waves of anger, numbness, and grief that have been hitting me lately - it gave me, at least as of this moment, some catharsis. I can admit to myself - I'm very sad about what's happened between me and my dad. It's rocked one of the foundational assumptions of my childhood and young adulthood.

I have my children because of reasons that go beyond reason and logic and don't regret that in the slightest, but at this point, all reasonable and logical reasons to have had them are gone. Both of my parents - 100% of my DNA - are depressingly not even up to their own standards. (Meritocracy therefore proclaims even my blood to be insufficient. I've... mostly worked through that.) Having grandchildren didn't make them go above and beyond themselves - in fact just the opposite. I assumed that in a tough spot, they might not be there for me per se (I always knew better), but that grandchildren would bring out the best in them. This... was a naïve assumption. Times are hard, as hard as they've ever been, and they've both dropped us all cold to enjoy a new boyfriend (in my mom's case) and self-righteous isolation (in my dad's case). I like and prefer working a job, generally, but I'd dreamed that I could take things a bit easier this pregnancy. Nope - I'm working my ass off every day through waves of exhaustion and (so far) light nausea, and haven't even had time to look around for a physician. Assuming everything goes well, I'll have a measly 3 months off, and then right back to it - it's necessary to pay our high rent. I want to breastfeed for the first year, but the logistics of that make me want to cry (more). I'm just assuming that we'll have to bite the bullet and become True Americans(tm) by getting into credit card debt (to hire a nanny that brings the baby to me at the office 2 or 3 times a day - not even sure that will work, but that's all I've come up with so far...). 

And all this means that... I'm just going through what every working class mother in this brutal country has endured for years. That's something I can accept, for karmic purposes. But that I'm going through this in part because my own parents threw me to the wolves, when they had swore since I was a little child that they would do the opposite... is difficult. I'm very sad. My inner child is crying, a lot. It thought it was loved and valued more than this. I know what I have to do and I will do it (direct deposit cleared today; I just have to pay the last utility bill for my dad's place and then I can properly sever relations). But I didn't want to live in a world where my dreams of family uniting together to help raise the next generation were just so much rose-colored bunkum. Where the lesson I have to take away from this is never to trust a family member farther than I can throw them, and that any relationship I choose to maintain will have to continue only under conditions of vigorous boundary maintenance. Where I can never, ever relax again with the people who were once my sanctuary. Because my childhood home and family are as gone from this world as if they'd all been burned up in a fire, or drowned under a thousand feet of water. 

But... at least after feeling this deep grief, I felt... calmer than I have for a while. I finally worked my way down to something fundamental. That's definitely a relief. 

I think the Celebration card is still my feelings (and ESPECIALLY my husband's feelings) about this new apartment - he is THRILLED, in the best mood he's been in in AGES. And... I can piggyback on that a bit, at least. 

The Outcome card - I did much better at work today. I even fixed the water dispenser! So that makes me the creative woman, little one on board, after all ;) 

Let's divinate and get the big kid to bed...

Me: Jack of Clubs - curious, inquisitive, young

Situation: 5 of Clubs (The Devil) REVERSED - "the answer will come from confronting your fears and consulting your moral compass"

Outcome: 2 of Clubs REVERSED - "situation will lead to an exciting conclusion, jump in with both feet!"

The first two make sense... the last one, eep! I don't know if I have the energy! We'll see. 

 Gonna be quick, have to get my kid to daycare!

Yesterday, I did feel a change come over me (as I bought a bunch of plants and set them up on the balcony, it finally felt like 'home')... a positive one. Weird that the Death card would portray positive things, but perhaps it's not so weird, with my personality! Also had a wonderful chat with my husband at the end of the day that made me feel much closer to him, romantically. 

Today's div:

Me: The Star

Situation: The Emperor

Outcome: 3 of Hearts

I appreciate the positivity! :) Sounds like today I will be hopeful, I will do things to the best of my ability, and I will celebrate at the end. Hooray!

 We moved, and then it took a few days to get the Internet, and then we switched from wi-fi to ethernet cable and so I had to get a different computer, and then I had to crawl out from under the burden of my own exhaustion. Good times! I've done divination every day and recorded it on a piece of paper. Let's see how much I can record here before the tireds get me...

Saturday: The day of the move, I did not feel strong at all (Strength REVERSED), and did not help nearly as much as our friends. Our family was severed (10 of Diamonds REVERSED). It was a crazy day and I had to sleep with an LED streetlight right in my face (Temperance REVERSED). Days where all three cards are reversed seem to be crazy pretty often, and this was not an exception. 

Sunday: I worked as hard as I could to continue the move (8 of Clubs) and we got a majority of our stuff into the apartment, making it possible to live here, a real but partial victory (The World REVERSED). It was also a hectic, miserable day in which I collapsed into bed for a nap at 3 PM, our child was in distress, and it was impossible to find anything (Temperance REVERSED - yes, again). 

Monday: Back to work - I admit that after the upheaval, I didn't trust anything or anyone to be stable anymore and wasn't sure if I could pull it off (4 of Hearts) but fortunately, everything went very smoothly work-wise (Temperance). I didn't do anything at all on the new house (8 of Clubs REVERSED) but my poor husband worked so hard getting things in the right place he was in bed with a migraine that night. 

Tuesday: I had the quiet internal realization that, one way or another, I am going to have to cut ties with my father, but could not at that time decide on the right way to do that, and also want to wait until we retrieve a few last things out of his house (Death REVERSED). I buckled down at work and it went well (8 of Diamonds). The day ended with us moving a few more steps towards normalcy (The World REVERSED). 

Wednesday: I finally felt myself start to move on from the toxic, ugly atmosphere that I'd been forced to exist under for the last fair bit at my dad's place (6 of Spades). I got the idea that it will need to be an email, the cutting of ties, and that it should have as little drama as possible (The Chariot). I guess I've matured at least that much - there will not be the fireworks that happened with my mother, for sure. Mike got a new video game and started to play it while I watched in the evening - a bonding exercise for us (King of Hearts). 

Thursday: A day in which I felt rather pregnant (Strength REVERSED). I had a moment, first in a long time, where I WANTED to do stretches and exercise and longed to spend as much time as possible outside, and did get to do that some (King of Diamonds). I held myself to the vow of actually cooking eggs on our new stove, and achieved that (The Hanged Man). Step by step, we will move towards normal. I can finally, finally see the path. 

Way too tired to divinate now - I will catch up tomorrow. 

 Another day in paradise. 

Me: Yes, I think I felt the most comfortable yet in the office today. I am starting to get my feet under me at the job! :) Which is great, because I'm more than committed at this point, really...

Situation: I realize that my feelings about the situation are coming in waves. Today I had more sadness come upon me this afternoon, but I managed to make sense of it by the evening. I realized that what's happened to me with my father is actually what happened between me and my mother back in 2018, just repeated with my "more rational" parent. 

I have twice now had a parent swear up and down they were ready and willing to do something helpful for me that was their 'traditional' role - childcare for my mother, hosting us in his home by my father (and to his credit my dad has hosted us for over 18 months... nevertheless); they found out quickly that they had overcommitted but did not bother to have a conversation with me about this fact; an excuse popped up that would let them slip out of their vow; they grabbed it like a life-preserver; and while letting me know about this "reason" why they could no longer do what they had promised, they made sure to gratuitously and emotionally blame it all on me as if I had been the real bad guy all along, for ever thinking they would do what they promised me they would do.

My mother claimed, 2 weeks before I was scheduled to return to work with an agreement in place that she would watch my baby, that she needed to keep working at her job instead so that she could afford acupuncture (!), and told me I expected too much of her, that I should have just known she should be caregiving at most half-time (despite this being impossible with my work schedule, and not brought up beforehand). The very moment I got my current job, my father - who had been continually encouraging me to keep slogging through the application the entire previous month, hmm - suddenly "discovered" the threat from the Delta variant like a new religion, put us in an impossible situation with a claim that we were just having a "conversation" about "safety", and then when we let him know we were leaving, patronized me from atop his high horse with how I was "too pregnant to think logically" and how "I hadn't solved the problem" and he "was absolutely not evicting you! You can come back anytime!" But there's been a cautious lightness about him ever since, even as we have been extremely careful about how we talk to each other the few times we've interacted. He's gotten what he wanted. Soon, his house will belong to just him again. 

In short, my entire DNA font-source is comprised of worthless shitheads, who somehow failed over the course of senior-citizen-length lives to  learn the basics of respectful communication. (My brother is ADD, on legal meth for it, married to a horrible vegan childfree bitch, and on the East Coast. I write him postcards now and again but he does not respond. I don't expect to see him again until one of our parents dies.) Well - there had to be SOME shared basis for their awful marriage, I guess!

The hardest thing is that if my dad had just let me know that he was really struggling with having so much family in his home, and that he wanted to make a solid time-table for us to move out, I would have been upset for like a day (OK, a week) and then - accepted it, and made plans. It's his home, after all. He is an introvert pretending furiously to be an extrovert, always has been. He's given us 18 months, and even slept out in a tent last summer when we didn't have enough rooms for all of us. He really has gone above and beyond. Which, in a way, makes this even more painful. I did not see it coming. I still thought, on some level, that he was the reliable one. 

For both my mom and dad, the issue is that they both want to be the type of parent that would, say, provide free childcare for their grandchildren, or let their adult kids in a rough situation crash at their place, no questions asked. But... neither of them are truly capable of what they aspire to. So they've both got a lot of cognitive dissonance about the situation, which finally bursts forth in blaming me for not somehow relieving them from this burden they set themselves up for. Which - yeah nope, I'm trying to raise children in a world implacably hostile to them, and I don't have the time or space to give a shit about Boomer feelings! I can't just pliably adjust myself to them and their whims anymore, as I once did so easily as a non-misbehaving teenager.

Clearly, I'm having a rebellion against my parents at age 35. 0 out of 10, do not recommend! At least when you're a teenager you have all this self-righteousness and energy and inability to understand what a brat you're being. When you're my age, it's more like the grimmest possible slog through a bleak, snow-covered valley. You would never ever choose to do it - unless you have no choice. I went scorched-earth with my mother for a while after she pulled that on me - we only have a relationship nowadays because my mother-in-law and, yes, my father begged me personally to reconcile (and after she completed 100 hours of free babysitting). I suppose I am glad that I gave her a second chance - the babysitting, now that my son is of an age she finds fun, is helpful. And there's no illusions between us as to what she needs to do to maintain our relationship going forward. I don't have the energy or ability to go scorched-earth with my father right now. But... I know what he did. And I think, on some level, he does too. I'm sure he'll spend hours coming up with justifications why he was right. He may even believe them. I guess I hope he does, because that's all he's going to have once this situation wraps up. 

We need good relations in place to get all our crap out of his house, that will take several weekends. I'm going to be using his compost bin - will dump on Saturday evening, while he is at work - until I find a better alternative. My son will need a transition period from "old house" to "new house", which will be easier if we can visit this place on the weekends for a while (while my dad is at work). But as soon as these kinks are worked out... I no longer intend to call or communicate with him in any way other than the obligatory Christmas call, for the rest of his life. He can get any "family" urges out by visiting his girlfriend's family, which is much more enjoyable because she does all the emotional labor so he doesn't have to. He'll get his house back - his nice empty house, filled with nothing but his Facebook friends and his girlfriend who mostly exists on his phone nowadays. He should enjoy his golden years! In silence. My mother got fire; he's going to get ice. 

We will not return here, once we have left, unless my children cannot eat any other way. 

I struggled, but I finally have a worldview that makes sense about this, and am dealing OK. 

Anyway... enough therapy writing, I gotta get to sleep. 

Outcome: I got a question at the end of the day about "if I had finished all the training videos" from the boss, which means of course, "why are you reading the news during work?" The answer being of course "I do not have more than 4 hour of focused learning capability per day, same as the rest of the human race, yet you have assigned me 8 hours of video." Not that I said that (nor did I spend 4 hours or anything close to it reading the news, for the record). Ugh... but also, oh well. I've gotta find some other task I can break up the videos with and still appear "responsible". This does correlate with my karma, though, because I caused this issue by personally choosing to take breaks, and employers have commented about my apparent lack of focus in the past (it actually helps the quality of my work when I take occasional breaks, but that's hard to tell from the outside). At least it should be (relatively) easy to solve. Just one more day left in this week. 

Divination, and bed!

Me: 8 of Diamonds - Comfort achieved through hard work

Situation: Queen of Clubs - optimism, creativity, little one

Outcome: Queen of Spades - oh no not again

Oof... well, I think the Queen of Spades is a marker that I need to be more serious about clearing my karma tomorrow. I NEED this job; I need to take it with absolute seriousness. Other than that, seems like it could be a pretty good day! Let's work towards that. 

 Today's divination was... mixed. I think I understood it, but not entirely sure. 

Me: There seems to be an undercurrent to this card of not being able to speak clearly to others about a situation. I feel that way a little bit at my job (not going to tell them about pregnancy for a while yet) and a lot with my father (duh). 

Situation: Interestingly enough, this card seems to have been "the decision flipped back and forth". I got a letter in my email suggesting that the apartment background check had failed because of insufficient income. I took a deep breath, assumed that the company hadn't been able to track my job as it was so new, and passed the verification task off to my husband. Turns out they just mis-keyed something! We are approved, so we're on schedule to move this upcoming Saturday. 

Outcome: This card confused me. I expected - fully - for it to represent a confrontation of some type with my father. But we had a relatively pleasant chat when I stopped by at home for lunch, and he seems to be over at his girlfriend's tonight. Perhaps he sensed it in the air, and got outta Dodge. It wouldn't surprise me - we used to think along very similar lines. We probably still do. 

I'm relieved - I didn't want to have that confrontation. I just want to move away, to negotiate taking one mattress and some flower pots for my son and the herbs I'm going to bring with me, and to have some time to say goodbye to the garden and the fruit trees that I grew to care for over my time here. It seems like this year, this period even, is rubbing my face in my own past, forcing me to see it differently (truly?) and bid it farewell. I can't predict the future at all but emotionally, I never want to come back here. Part of me wishes we were moving much farther away. 

I can also recognize that as childish, in its way. I want to punish my father for failing me. Which... there's no need to do that; he'll do it himself, when he keeps away from his own grandchild out of fear for so long that my son forgets who he is. Ah, there it is - that's what breaks my heart. My son calls my father Grandpa, but not only did my dad not bother to say any sort of meaningful goodbye last weekend, he will probably not see him again for months, if ever. My kid's not a baby any more - he will notice when an adult HE LIVED WITH vanishes from the face of the fucking earth. What will I even tell him?? There's no excuse for this, none whatsoever. It's pure cruelty, thoughtlessly layered on top of our situation in which homeownership (and therefore place stability) is already not something I can even offer to my children. If I'd known that this is how our time in Portland as a multi-generational household was going to end... I would never have left Seattle. 

I have three more days here. Then I can stop seeing my father, or any reminders of him, and start healing. I will be recovered enough to have a cordial call with him at Christmas, I am pretty sure. 

Anyway, that seems to have been a miss, but I'm grateful for it. 

Divination for tomorrow, and then to bed...

Me: 8 of Diamonds - comfort through hard work

Situation: Ace of Spades - focus and clarity

Outcome: Ace of Hearts - emotional/creative/spiritual flow

A much better divination this time! :) Looks like a day of hard work at work, with a lot achieved, and then I feel better about life at the end of the day. Sounds good to me!

 Me: As the Magician, looks like my role today was to commit to new plans. As my husband and I were driving up to our childcare for this week, he begged me from the bottom of his heart not to do any more big life changes for the rest of the year. So... I promised him that much. This path, of moving to this apartment, is now something I've committed to with my full heart. So be it, amen. 

Situation: We met my mother-in-law at the half-way point. I thanked her for doing this, and she hugged me and said "It takes a village!" Simplicity itself. 

Outcome: I think this just represented that I drove back and ended up in exactly the same place as I started - an anti-journey. 

Divination... tomorrow is the day I "lean in", god I hate that term...

Me: 8 of Spades (Justice) REVERSED - "someone is feeling short-changed"
 
Situation: Queen of Clubs - creative, holding a little one

Outcome: 10 of Clubs REVERSED - will not have to pick up a heavy burden

Well, for better or worse, I feel a little like the Me card right now. The rest of the cards suggest that I will get through the day OK and that there will not be a heavy burden at the end of it. Sounds good!

 Well... the narrative wasn't wrong, per se, but it went a little bit differently than I expected! 

We ended up taking a tour of a really nice apartment on the second building we tried to visit, and put a hold on it immediately. So... there's an apartment! It's not as cheap as I'd like, but we can afford it. So that's my biggest worry - gone! Now to be replaced with getting fired for not declaring vaccination status. Hopefully the company won't go there, being centered in Texas mainly...

In any case, I, pregnant person, did not work too hard today - did not have to take up too many burdens - and did NOT push myself to excess. I spent the afternoon doing a bunch of financial projections at my leisure. 

Tomorrow I will be letting my father know... not a fun task, but I think I can get through it without anger, at least. That will be my goal. 

Divination!

Me: 5 of Spades - a difficult opponent

Situation: - Jack of Hearts - feelings I've been suppressing bubbling up

Outcome: 3 of Spades - "The existing situation will lead to a loss or separation of some sort, and the questioner must accept that, as it's for the best" or illness

Well... this reading is on point, unsurprisingly. There's even a correlation between the Me and the Situation card - the Me card is the fight upcoming and the Situation card is what it's over (being a Jack, it's a child - wow, that is exactly my situation). I wish the cards were indicating more reconciliation, but... we'll do what we must I suppose. Here's hoping that my father will understand. 

 Amazing day, just an amazing day so far. 

Me: Yes, I've had to be restrained, yesterday and this morning too. 

Situation: A man concerned with the physical world - that's what we're dealing with today, for sure. Perhaps the joy in the natural world came from the dinner my husband cooked me last night from the garden, hoping that things would turn for the better. It was delicious. 

Outcome: My father has lost his mind about Delta. 

I don't have the energy to go into it much, but he doesn't want to allow my mom to come next week to help, or anyone from care.com, and he wants us to quit the daycare. So... that would mean one of us has to quit our job, with no unemployment. We'd be in dire poverty, with no good options for the future. He was so happy when I got this job, telling me what a great opportunity it was like he was trying to overcome my ambiguity - how dare he?! Now he thinks I can just walk away, no big, in order to help him feel safe - how dare he?! He's just... a coward, a cringing coward in the face of Delta. 

In a few days he'll likely change his mind and beg us not to go but... I can't go through this again. I have made my choice and I must live by it. And so must he. 

So here's the plans set in motion: we have to move. Now. NOW. I've already called two apartment buildings and left messages (it's too early for their office). I can't go through this again. I can't deal with these waves of cowardice that threaten our livelihoods. He couldn't be trying to give me a miscarriage any harder unless he was kicking me in the stomach. So even though it will likely hit our savings hard - we've just got to go. 

Ugh... all this and I don't even have the SOP anymore to help me, and I haven't had a spare fucking moment to set up a meditation practice, fuck me fuck me fuck me AND FUCK HIM. I am not going to deal with this anymore. Cowardice has costs. 

I guess I still have divination, please cards... support me. 

Me: Jack of Hearts - thoughts and feelings bursting forth, which I have suppressed previously

Situation: 10 of Spades (Judgment) REVERSED - "A need to change and the signs that change is due is being ignored by someone involved in the matter." 

Outcome: King of Spades (The Emperor) - my best self

Here's how I will interpret the cards. First, yes, feelings I have strongly suppressed are definitely bubbling up today. Second, I think this is telling me to go about the move without panic - to take the time to make a correct decision. Third, I will handle it by being my best self, the best self I can possibly be. And I will make it through. 

That's about as good as I'm going to get... let's do the rest of the day, then.

 Truly exhausted today, will be quick. 

Me: Yes, I spent almost too much time in the company of others today, lol. I wondered if I should try to get some distance! If Delta comes through we're all getting it, that's how tight the quarters are. 

Situation: I feel like everything was given to me on the first day... and I mean EVERYTHING; way too much information to possibly synthesize. At least I've got a month or so to get it. It'll take me at least that long to figure out what information has been carefully eluded, too. 

Outcome: I guess this is an opportunity, that seems about right. 

Let's divinate and go to bed. 

Me: 9 of Diamonds (The Hermit) REVERSED - "the questioner is confused, often by conflicting guidelines or not being able to follow her own intuition"

Situation: 8 of Hearts (The Moon) - mystery, intuition "the moon can mean this matter is rife with illusions"

Outcome: 7 of Spades (The Chariot) REVERSED - "feeling disoriented is natural - at all costs avoid trying to dominate and manipulate others"

This all seems right in line with the torrent of too much information this job is handing me. So be it! I'll do what I can tomorrow, anyway. 

 Me: I'm developing a different interpretation on the Justice card, at least as it applies to me at this moment. It seems to be whether or not I am able to be reasonable about things. Not so much strictly logical, as able to weigh multiple perspectives with enough emotional distance to be effective in my thinking. I feel that I was successfully 'that' today. I was even able to re-read the JMG post and remain (mostly) calm about it. I believe I can return to reading his blog as per normal, at least. Whatever happens... or doesn't happen... I am not emotionally bound to it. I will live my life in real time, step by step. I've made the choice that felt the most correct to me about the vaccine, and have accepted the choices of others, both pro and anti. I have a religious understanding that helps me here too - an understanding of the reality of reincarnation, and knowledge that "progress" towards the Beyond is based solely on how one responds to the events immediately in front of them. I have responded as wisely as I was capable of. And exactly the same will continue to be asked of me in the future - no matter what that future happens to be. 

Situation: I would agree with the "lack of focus and clarity" unfortunately! I did manage to get some things done, thankfully, but only with the help of others. My husband helped us do all the grocery shopping for the week, and my dad helped me make applesauce from the earliest crop of apples. More where THAT came from soon... I'm going to have to can it, eek! Planning for that next weekend...

Outcome: At last, I believe I have hit upon an interpretation for The Empress that doesn't require pregnancy! The card in the deck I am using has a large blond woman holding several pieces of fruit and veg in her arms - therefore, there's a food aspect to this card. No doubt anything to do with the garden would count, but in this case, I got feedback on my curriculum proposals from AODA... and they were all accepted! :) The part I was most concerned about was my application to do a Bardic curriculum based on cooking - I wasn't sure it was "serious" enough. Apparently it is a pretty rare choice, but the reviewer was intrigued to see what I could do with it! Hooray! <3 <3 In short, the Outcome today turns me strongly in the direction of food preparation for the year to come. 

And now that my ability to divinate seems to have returned... let's get one done for tomorrow!

Me: 7 of Hearts REVERSED - NO secrets, hidden things, new feelings "The seeker has come to a firm decision." 

Situation: Joker (The Fool) - Freedom, Fearlessness, "opportunity"

Outcome: King of Hearts - sensitivity, creativity, career success, "a loving man"

Not sure how this will play out... but we'll see!