sh1njuk1

I had a miscarriage early on Saturday morning. I'd been having a bit of an unfocused morning that Friday, much like the rest of the week (but still getting the job done); upon visiting the restroom in the afternoon I saw blood in my underpants, and I knew immediately that the baby was gone.

At about 1 AM the miscarriage commenced in earnest - even though I haven't gone through labor personally (kid had a marginal cord and would have been breech, so the midwives recommended a planned C-section) I read enough about it to recognize the miscarriage as a mini-labor in itself, complete with contractions that came in waves. I tried to ride it out sitting on the couch in the living room at first, but after an hour or so ended up asking my husband if he would hold me in bed, and heat up a warmer filled with lavender to put on my belly. He did this continuously through the few more hours it took to complete. The difference in pain levels between being on my own in the living room and being lovingly held were striking - something I'd read about and now have experienced personally, for better or worse.

I've weathered this miscarriage so far with no need for medical intervention - my body knew exactly what needed to be done, and did it. I'm still recovering (spending a lot of time on the couch with the warmer) but I feel a closer connection to the thousands upon thousands of women, related to me and not, who have gone through this before me, as just another part of life on Earth. As it was happening a mantra came to my mind spontaneously, and I repeated it to myself hundreds of times: "Nature is in control; everything is happening as it should be." It was a huge comfort, and it seems to have carried through.

Something that I didn't expect (and on that note: Friday's situation was the 3 of Clubs reversed - no more growth - and the outcome card was the Hierophant reversed, a surprising outcome to a situation) is that after all the worries about COVID and the vaccine, etc - I'd woken up and cried myself back to sleep the two nights before, after hearing of Biden's vaccine mandate, as I just wasn't sure that the obstetrician I'd be working with could convince me that the jab was safe for the baby, and I would be required instead to stand in line somewhere where COVID was likely lurking, while pregnant, every single weekend, so that I could keep the job that paid the inflated rent that keeps a roof over my family's head, which brought back up feelings about how deeply my own father had betrayed me, too - but in the end, the miscarriage wasn't a direct response to either of the things. If anything it was a response to all the damn stress of the last month. My body and the baby must have negotiated and decided that now was not the time. To be honest, I can't really argue with that conclusion.

As sad as I am about this outcome - and the grief has come, off and on, in a few waves so far - I was surprised to also find myself feeling genuine relief. Given the state of vaccination politics and our tottering medical system, I was far from certain that I would be able to access any advanced medical service (such as a repeat C-section, should it be needed) in early spring of 2022. I was preparing myself to die for this child. But a different decision was made on my behalf instead. Being not-pregnant will increase my natural resistance to disease, and my strength in this difficult time. It will free up my energy to prepare our family for what looks to be a very difficult winter. It will open space in my mind to figure out what our path is, free of this massive future obligation on a strict timer. It allows me to get some damn distance between me and my family - who quite frankly have shown that they don't really care about whether or not they double their grandchildren count, or at least not as much as they care about "believing the science" - and to search out a safer community to live in. As long as I have my life and my fertility, I can still try again.

And since this is a spirituality blog, let me say--the difference between the material view of this event, and the spiritual one, is like the difference between the night and the day. In the material world, the baby is dead and gone forever, never to return, and the fault lies either on callous cold Nature or on my shoulders for not being a 'better mother' somehow (as there's nowhere else to put it, really). In the spiritual world, I know that the soul that spoke to me back in 2018 is still out there, waiting. We still have our contract. This first attempt didn't work - we both misjudged the parameters we were working in. But I have gained wisdom, at the usual cost, and they are fierce and determined, I know that much. Neither of us are quitters, and we will figure it out. Nothing is "done". Nothing is over. I am sad, but I am not in any way depressed.

Also, my husband reassured me many, many times yesterday that he wants to try again to welcome this child into our family, which I had been secretly worried about, given the headwinds that are appearing in our path. He understands completely why I don't want to get the vaccine yet--more so than before--and accepts it. We actually had a conversation about finances, about me perhaps not being able to work in my old career for much longer, about living a quieter life with less money, about potentially moving to another region. After going through this together, we are closer than ever.

In summary, this feels like an event that has delivered me some life wisdom, at the usual price. High, but there is value in what I've received in return.

So... none of this was the outcome I'd hoped for. But I still have a path to follow, and things to do. Once I feel strong enough, I can bring the SOP back into my life, as I truly missed it while I didn't have the energy to do rituals. I will be able to properly celebrate the Eightfold Path holidays. I will get back on the wagon with meditation and prayer - it's been so chaotic this past month, I hadn't even be able to try. I'll negotiate with my employer and do what I must to collect a paycheck for as long as I can. We'll find a new, less expensive apartment after Christmas (we are taking a BREAK from changing ANYTHING by choice for the rest of the year though!). I'll put some real effort into learning balcony gardening, and keep cooking good food and reading my books. (Half-way through the one on local flowers!) And I'll keep posting my progress reports on weekends!

Yep, I did fit one very common stereotype of pregnancy today - I spent a large chunk of it very, very emotional. Now I've been rather emotional for weeks, but what I felt today was... a deep sadness, the sort that makes tears well up in your eyes as you're doing data entry at work (not that common of an emotion for me usually!). It was different from the waves of anger, numbness, and grief that have been hitting me lately - it gave me, at least as of this moment, some catharsis. I can admit to myself - I'm very sad about what's happened between me and my dad. It's rocked one of the foundational assumptions of my childhood and young adulthood.

I have my children because of reasons that go beyond reason and logic and don't regret that in the slightest, but at this point, all reasonable and logical reasons to have had them are gone. Both of my parents - 100% of my DNA - are depressingly not even up to their own standards. (Meritocracy therefore proclaims even my blood to be insufficient. I've... mostly worked through that.) Having grandchildren didn't make them go above and beyond themselves - in fact just the opposite. I assumed that in a tough spot, they might not be there for me per se (I always knew better), but that grandchildren would bring out the best in them. This... was a naïve assumption. Times are hard, as hard as they've ever been, and they've both dropped us all cold to enjoy a new boyfriend (in my mom's case) and self-righteous isolation (in my dad's case). I like and prefer working a job, generally, but I'd dreamed that I could take things a bit easier this pregnancy. Nope - I'm working my ass off every day through waves of exhaustion and (so far) light nausea, and haven't even had time to look around for a physician. Assuming everything goes well, I'll have a measly 3 months off, and then right back to it - it's necessary to pay our high rent. I want to breastfeed for the first year, but the logistics of that make me want to cry (more). I'm just assuming that we'll have to bite the bullet and become True Americans(tm) by getting into credit card debt (to hire a nanny that brings the baby to me at the office 2 or 3 times a day - not even sure that will work, but that's all I've come up with so far...).

And all this means that... I'm just going through what every working class mother in this brutal country has endured for years. That's something I can accept, for karmic purposes. But that I'm going through this in part because my own parents threw me to the wolves, when they had swore since I was a little child that they would do the opposite... is difficult. I'm very sad. My inner child is crying, a lot. It thought it was loved and valued more than this. I know what I have to do and I will do it (direct deposit cleared today; I just have to pay the last utility bill for my dad's place and then I can properly sever relations). But I didn't want to live in a world where my dreams of family uniting together to help raise the next generation were just so much rose-colored bunkum. Where the lesson I have to take away from this is never to trust a family member farther than I can throw them, and that any relationship I choose to maintain will have to continue only under conditions of vigorous boundary maintenance. Where I can never, ever relax again with the people who were once my sanctuary. Because my childhood home and family are as gone from this world as if they'd all been burned up in a fire, or drowned under a thousand feet of water.

But... at least after feeling this deep grief, I felt... calmer than I have for a while. I finally worked my way down to something fundamental. That's definitely a relief.

I think the Celebration card is still my feelings (and ESPECIALLY my husband's feelings) about this new apartment - he is THRILLED, in the best mood he's been in in AGES. And... I can piggyback on that a bit, at least.

The Outcome card - I did much better at work today. I even fixed the water dispenser! So that makes me the creative woman, little one on board, after all ;)

Let's divinate and get the big kid to bed...

Me: Jack of Clubs - curious, inquisitive, young

Situation: 5 of Clubs (The Devil) REVERSED - "the answer will come from confronting your fears and consulting your moral compass"

Outcome: 2 of Clubs REVERSED - "situation will lead to an exciting conclusion, jump in with both feet!"

The first two make sense... the last one, eep! I don't know if I have the energy! We'll see.

OK, this is coming kind of late, but I forgive myself, I'm creating new habits in a new place!

Yesterday's divination was Wheel of Fortune for Me, 3 of Spades for Situation, and 3 of Hearts for the Outcome. Very basic interpretation here - I decided on what I think is the final plan for how I am going to deal with the situation between me and my father; I chose to have a "romantic interlude" with my husband in the middle of the day (I can actually go home for lunch now) which, well, let's just say that things are rough down there when you're 2 months pregnant (ouch), and I celebrated it being Friday night and the weekend approaching - finally!

I'm going to take a moment to journal a bit more on the stuff about my dad - no surprise, recent events have brought up a lot of feelings that go deep back into my childhood about it. I've gone through a ridiculous amount of cycling emotions over the past few weeks, but I think I've dug down to the nub of it. In short, I'm not happy that an old pattern from my childhood has been brought forward and repeated in my adulthood.

Trying to summarize without TOO many words: When I was 8 years old, I decided that I needed to help my parents communicate better with each other. They were getting along so poorly (their marriage was an abysmal mistake) that I sensed even at that age that it was important for me to do so, in order to try to prevent a divorce and a descent into poverty and chaos. I spent a lot of time talking to one of them, then walking across the house and talking to the other, while revising the words of the first one into terms that the second one could actually understand. I continued doing this work this off and on for the next 16 years. While my efforts were by no means the only reason the marriage hung together and preserved my home, they did have a positive effect, and less than a year after I "quit" the thankless task at 24 - having gotten a job in another city - the divorce finally went forward. I remember jumping around my studio apartment for joy after my mom's phone call letting me know. Unpaid, fruitless, thankless job over and done with, hooray!

So, what's the connection with getting evicted from my dad's house at 5 weeks pregnant and in the first week of a new job, on the basis of questionable data about vaccine efficiency? (I mean, I happen to also believe that his Pfizer vaccine is next to worthless, but we were in a similar situation back in the winter and using daycare when he was unvaccinated, and we did not get evicted then.) I think it's because, since I was very young, both of my parents got used to letting me do the communication for them, covering over their own weak spots in this regard. Also, there's a side element of "This sort of stuff doesn't faze her, she can take it." Which... well, I did and I can. I genuinely helped prolong their marriage. When my mom quit her plan to provide childcare two weeks before I was due back to work, I hit the pavement and I found an affordable daycare. And now, after my dad evicted me and my family under these stupid circumstances, we enacted a plan we'd mostly put together earlier this year, found a place in the walkable downtown core (though a bit expensive) and have somehow managed to land on our feet.

Nevertheless, I am SICK OF THIS CRAP. Both of my parents, now, have failed me in exactly the categories they swore up and down were their most treasured and highest values (my mom with grandchildren, my dad with keeping the "family castle"). Now, I expect the world in general to give me shit - I'm not owed anything. But I think I do have the right to be A BIT VERKLEMPT when my own family throws the cost of their personal failure on me, and expects me to just take it with a smile. I am not a child anymore, and I am not forced to depend on them - living with my dad was a personal choice, undertaken in part because I had rose-colored glasses about the multigenerational household concept (karma ahoy!). So I don't actually have to accept this treatment ever again. I'm already free, in every way but the emotional.

But at this point the old relationship of unquestioning trust between me and my dad is burned, dead and buried. So we're going to have to start somewhere new. Now the trick is trying to figure out exactly how to do that, in a way that is both fair to him, but also gets my point across as sharply as is necessary to pierce his thick skull. Too tired to expound on that tonight, and I want to wait several days and meditate on it before I make my move, so more later.

Let's get divination going for tomorrow at least...

Me: 10 of Spades (Judgment) REVERSED - a gentle reminder to let go of something that needs to change

Situation: 4 of Spades (Death) - Change, endings

Outcome: King of Hearts - warm, loving man (career success?)

Hmm! This is definitely a reading that suggests, "don't resist the change". As to precisely what the change is... I have a few thoughts, but tomorrow will tell. Time to eat some ice cream and get my kid to bed.

Another day in paradise.

Me: Yes, I think I felt the most comfortable yet in the office today. I am starting to get my feet under me at the job! :) Which is great, because I'm more than committed at this point, really...

Situation: I realize that my feelings about the situation are coming in waves. Today I had more sadness come upon me this afternoon, but I managed to make sense of it by the evening. I realized that what's happened to me with my father is actually what happened between me and my mother back in 2018, just repeated with my "more rational" parent.

I have twice now had a parent swear up and down they were ready and willing to do something helpful for me that was their 'traditional' role - childcare for my mother, hosting us in his home by my father (and to his credit my dad has hosted us for over 18 months... nevertheless); they found out quickly that they had overcommitted but did not bother to have a conversation with me about this fact; an excuse popped up that would let them slip out of their vow; they grabbed it like a life-preserver; and while letting me know about this "reason" why they could no longer do what they had promised, they made sure to gratuitously and emotionally blame it all on me as if I had been the real bad guy all along, for ever thinking they would do what they promised me they would do.

My mother claimed, 2 weeks before I was scheduled to return to work with an agreement in place that she would watch my baby, that she needed to keep working at her job instead so that she could afford acupuncture (!), and told me I expected too much of her, that I should have just known she should be caregiving at most half-time (despite this being impossible with my work schedule, and not brought up beforehand). The very moment I got my current job, my father - who had been continually encouraging me to keep slogging through the application the entire previous month, hmm - suddenly "discovered" the threat from the Delta variant like a new religion, put us in an impossible situation with a claim that we were just having a "conversation" about "safety", and then when we let him know we were leaving, patronized me from atop his high horse with how I was "too pregnant to think logically" and how "I hadn't solved the problem" and he "was absolutely not evicting you! You can come back anytime!" But there's been a cautious lightness about him ever since, even as we have been extremely careful about how we talk to each other the few times we've interacted. He's gotten what he wanted. Soon, his house will belong to just him again.

In short, my entire DNA font-source is comprised of worthless shitheads, who somehow failed over the course of senior-citizen-length lives to learn the basics of respectful communication. (My brother is ADD, on legal meth for it, married to a horrible vegan childfree bitch, and on the East Coast. I write him postcards now and again but he does not respond. I don't expect to see him again until one of our parents dies.) Well - there had to be SOME shared basis for their awful marriage, I guess!

The hardest thing is that if my dad had just let me know that he was really struggling with having so much family in his home, and that he wanted to make a solid time-table for us to move out, I would have been upset for like a day (OK, a week) and then - accepted it, and made plans. It's his home, after all. He is an introvert pretending furiously to be an extrovert, always has been. He's given us 18 months, and even slept out in a tent last summer when we didn't have enough rooms for all of us. He really has gone above and beyond. Which, in a way, makes this even more painful. I did not see it coming. I still thought, on some level, that he was the reliable one.

For both my mom and dad, the issue is that they both want to be the type of parent that would, say, provide free childcare for their grandchildren, or let their adult kids in a rough situation crash at their place, no questions asked. But... neither of them are truly capable of what they aspire to. So they've both got a lot of cognitive dissonance about the situation, which finally bursts forth in blaming me for not somehow relieving them from this burden they set themselves up for. Which - yeah nope, I'm trying to raise children in a world implacably hostile to them, and I don't have the time or space to give a shit about Boomer feelings! I can't just pliably adjust myself to them and their whims anymore, as I once did so easily as a non-misbehaving teenager.

Clearly, I'm having a rebellion against my parents at age 35. 0 out of 10, do not recommend! At least when you're a teenager you have all this self-righteousness and energy and inability to understand what a brat you're being. When you're my age, it's more like the grimmest possible slog through a bleak, snow-covered valley. You would never ever choose to do it - unless you have no choice. I went scorched-earth with my mother for a while after she pulled that on me - we only have a relationship nowadays because my mother-in-law and, yes, my father begged me personally to reconcile (and after she completed 100 hours of free babysitting). I suppose I am glad that I gave her a second chance - the babysitting, now that my son is of an age she finds fun, is helpful. And there's no illusions between us as to what she needs to do to maintain our relationship going forward. I don't have the energy or ability to go scorched-earth with my father right now. But... I know what he did. And I think, on some level, he does too. I'm sure he'll spend hours coming up with justifications why he was right. He may even believe them. I guess I hope he does, because that's all he's going to have once this situation wraps up.

We need good relations in place to get all our crap out of his house, that will take several weekends. I'm going to be using his compost bin - will dump on Saturday evening, while he is at work - until I find a better alternative. My son will need a transition period from "old house" to "new house", which will be easier if we can visit this place on the weekends for a while (while my dad is at work). But as soon as these kinks are worked out... I no longer intend to call or communicate with him in any way other than the obligatory Christmas call, for the rest of his life. He can get any "family" urges out by visiting his girlfriend's family, which is much more enjoyable because she does all the emotional labor so he doesn't have to. He'll get his house back - his nice empty house, filled with nothing but his Facebook friends and his girlfriend who mostly exists on his phone nowadays. He should enjoy his golden years! In silence. My mother got fire; he's going to get ice.

We will not return here, once we have left, unless my children cannot eat any other way.

I struggled, but I finally have a worldview that makes sense about this, and am dealing OK.

Anyway... enough therapy writing, I gotta get to sleep.

Outcome: I got a question at the end of the day about "if I had finished all the training videos" from the boss, which means of course, "why are you reading the news during work?" The answer being of course "I do not have more than 4 hour of focused learning capability per day, same as the rest of the human race, yet you have assigned me 8 hours of video." Not that I said that (nor did I spend 4 hours or anything close to it reading the news, for the record). Ugh... but also, oh well. I've gotta find some other task I can break up the videos with and still appear "responsible". This does correlate with my karma, though, because I caused this issue by personally choosing to take breaks, and employers have commented about my apparent lack of focus in the past (it actually helps the quality of my work when I take occasional breaks, but that's hard to tell from the outside). At least it should be (relatively) easy to solve. Just one more day left in this week.

Divination, and bed!

Me: 8 of Diamonds - Comfort achieved through hard work

Situation: Queen of Clubs - optimism, creativity, little one

Outcome: Queen of Spades - oh no not again

Oof... well, I think the Queen of Spades is a marker that I need to be more serious about clearing my karma tomorrow. I NEED this job; I need to take it with absolute seriousness. Other than that, seems like it could be a pretty good day! Let's work towards that.

Well, the cards predicted a rough day, and it was a bit of a rough day.

Me: Yes, I faced a tough opponent today... my own father. My favorite parent, once upon a time. We had the conversation at a bench next to the farmer's market where we both shop on Saturday. I had prepared a financial report of sorts for my dad, and also made sure to emphasize that we weren't making this choice (to move out) out of anger, but that given the situation, this was the best choice for our family.

It went... about as well as I could have hoped for, I guess. He admitted that the finances were sound, and that this was possible for us. But he very quickly recognized that he looked rather bad in this scenario, and so spent most of the conversation after the initial part lecturing me on how I hadn't solved the "actual" problem (how to keep myself perfectly protected from Delta, I guess) and that clearly my brain was too addled from pregnancy to think straight, and why didn't I just go to the local pregnancy center (the anti-abortion one) and ask THEM what vaccine to take, if finding an obstetrician to talk to was going to take longer than a weekend?? Yeah... I can't imagine why that possibly might not solve my problem.

Because I wanted there to be some hope of family reconciliation in the future, I just nodded along and kept insisting that I was just too tired to handle anything else right now, things came at me too fast this week, and that I needed to think about the medium and long term as well as the short one. That COVID would eventually go away but the rent payments were unlikely to. He insisted loudly that he wasn't evicting me, that we could always come and move back in at any time for any reason, and I thanked him sincerely for that. I will hold him to it, should it be needed. Really what was going on there though was that he didn't want to be wrong, so, I let him be not-wrong. He ranted a bit about how if I didn't make it through the short term, no other term mattered! At this point I raised my voice slightly and informed him I am an adult and I will make my own choices. He backed down with a few parting shots I did not respond to, and we went to take a look at some recent art installations nearby. The conversation was finished. I believe our relationship is unchanged, that we both still love each other, and the vast majority of my thoughts on the matter will go forever unsaid. Victory - with mud all over my face. But, no clean wins were ever really possible.

He is right in one way, though - one way which he will never actually know about. I've waited too long to source ivermectin. Really... I've been reading about it for months... I should have known better. I need to order that ASAP, and have it delivered--to our new apartment I guess. The site I found will take about 3 to 4 weeks to deliver. Fingers crossed it arrives before anyone I know is in danger.

Anyway I was a bit down the rest of the day, with a lot of quiet ranting to myself, saying all the words I held back in the moment so that they didn't curdle inside too much. I also unburdened myself deeply to my husband at one point about matters I've written about here before. That would be the Situation card.

Outcome: I think the main quotation from yesterday was entirely correct - I did lose something big and painful. I recognized after the conversation that I don't really want to leave this house, and its garden, and my dad's fix-it side I had hoped to learn so much more from... but there's no other choice now. Our new apartment is beautiful, the location is ideal and I know that the moment I actually move in there I will weep with joy and relief. But the dream of multi-generational housing that was working pretty OK... that's gone. And it hurts to lose it. I wanted us to be stronger together - for us all to pull together against the crazy age, and to fight all dangers at each other's side. But my dad is too afraid.

Being separate, though, will allow me and my family to reach out - finally - to a wider community, without having to tip-toe around these fears and restrictions. It will allow me to purchase a generator and extra fridge ASAP without trying to explain endlessly to my dad why these things are really good to have right now. It will allow me to pile every last shelf high with non-perishable food, without asking any permission. It will allow me to eliminate sugary crap and creepy chemicals from ever being in our presence. So... I can still keep moving forward.

So tired... time to divinate.

Me: King of Clubs (The Magician)

Situation: 9 of Clubs (The Sun)

Outcome: 6 of Spades REVERSED

Too tired to speculate, will look this up tomorrow, good night.

Amazing day, just an amazing day so far.

Me: Yes, I've had to be restrained, yesterday and this morning too.

Situation: A man concerned with the physical world - that's what we're dealing with today, for sure. Perhaps the joy in the natural world came from the dinner my husband cooked me last night from the garden, hoping that things would turn for the better. It was delicious.

Outcome: My father has lost his mind about Delta.

I don't have the energy to go into it much, but he doesn't want to allow my mom to come next week to help, or anyone from care.com, and he wants us to quit the daycare. So... that would mean one of us has to quit our job, with no unemployment. We'd be in dire poverty, with no good options for the future. He was so happy when I got this job, telling me what a great opportunity it was like he was trying to overcome my ambiguity - how dare he?! Now he thinks I can just walk away, no big, in order to help him feel safe - how dare he?! He's just... a coward, a cringing coward in the face of Delta.

In a few days he'll likely change his mind and beg us not to go but... I can't go through this again. I have made my choice and I must live by it. And so must he.

So here's the plans set in motion: we have to move. Now. NOW. I've already called two apartment buildings and left messages (it's too early for their office). I can't go through this again. I can't deal with these waves of cowardice that threaten our livelihoods. He couldn't be trying to give me a miscarriage any harder unless he was kicking me in the stomach. So even though it will likely hit our savings hard - we've just got to go.

Ugh... all this and I don't even have the SOP anymore to help me, and I haven't had a spare fucking moment to set up a meditation practice, fuck me fuck me fuck me AND FUCK HIM. I am not going to deal with this anymore. Cowardice has costs.

I guess I still have divination, please cards... support me.

Me: Jack of Hearts - thoughts and feelings bursting forth, which I have suppressed previously

Situation: 10 of Spades (Judgment) REVERSED - "A need to change and the signs that change is due is being ignored by someone involved in the matter."

Outcome: King of Spades (The Emperor) - my best self

Here's how I will interpret the cards. First, yes, feelings I have strongly suppressed are definitely bubbling up today. Second, I think this is telling me to go about the move without panic - to take the time to make a correct decision. Third, I will handle it by being my best self, the best self I can possibly be. And I will make it through.

That's about as good as I'm going to get... let's do the rest of the day, then.

Might be a bit of a journal post today, we'll see...

Me: I did have freedom today - the freedom to go and get exactly what I wanted to eat, as I worked hard to keep staving off this whatever-it-is. I also freely allowed myself to take a nap in the middle of the day, about 2 hours. It seems to have worked, at least for now... but I also am recognizing this funk is about more than germs in my lymph nodes.

Situation: Good things happened today... but in kind of crappy ways? We replaced all our tires on the car and found out the rear brake pads needed attention as well - that means our car is much safer to drive, but it did double our expected costs. (We can afford it easily, it was just a bit of an ugh.) I smacked (not literally!) my husband out of what he recognized retroactively was a panic attack, over art of all things. He was in a spiral where he was trying not to burn out on it, but all the worrying about burning out was... burning him out. I put my foot down and told him that there would be NO discussion about art, none PERIOD, for at least two weeks, and that I would enforce that! I think this will be really good for both him and me, and so does he (if we never ever talk again about art it will be too soon, there's some steaming honesty with how I feel about this stupid topic) but it had to hit a pitch of unpleasantness first. Most likely the true root of this is stress overflow from the intra-family battle royale that had been going on, breaking through now that peace has been successfully brokered. He'd been considering joining a climbing gym - I told him to DO IT NOW, because more exercise can only help an anxious mood! So he'll be going tonight, hooray :) Also, the few friends I keep up with on a Discord server were complaining about the suburbs in exactly the way I taught them all to (fuck the suburbs!). At long last, I've convinced them all! This stuff was my passion, no exaggeration, from roughly 2015-2020. Man... I wish it still mattered.

Outcome: I think reading JMG's post earlier today about the possibility of ADE breaking out this fall/winter among the vaccinated is, unfortunately, what this card represents for me today. As he also stated clearly, it is just a hypothesis; my feeling is that even if it does kick off, it wouldn't be as bad as the worst-case scenario... but boy, I wish I had more than "a feeling" to back that up. I think the real realization for me wasn't so much that this is possible - it's that if the elites think it might be possible, suddenly a whole bunch of recent weirdness makes far, far too much sense.

On that note... I'll allow myself to wallow for a moment in the sad end of the pool. I, my mother, and my dad's renter are the only people in my entire social circle over the age of 12 who have any chance of not being vaccinated as of this moment (everyone else has trumpeted their vaccinated status loud and clear). Even if we surmise a very conservative death rate from ADE over the next few years of 5%, that means 5 to 10 funerals of people I know or once knew well. Any higher of a rate than 5%? I'll be conducting at least one of them, probably under great duress :( And that isn't even going into the social, political or supply chain consequences...

Not a single one of the motherfuckers in charge of the country has ever read Nassim Taleb, I can see that much! The fat tail on this one should have been too horrible to risk, but the bastards went ahead and did it anyway, didn't they?!

And my mind, ever helpful, has of course reminded me that it is also possible that the non-sterilizing vaccine will simultaneously lead to the evolution of increasingly virulent variants of COVID, which would hit the unvaccinated harder than the rest. So... there could be piles of both vaccinated and unvaccinated corpses in our future, from slightly different yet not exclusionary causes. It's not like there's a choice on offer that guarantees one's personal safety from all this. Not to mention, either scenario carries with it a good possibility of turning our entire modern health infrastructure into a smoking crater. The folly of our leadership runs so deep and dark... it literally boggles my soul. The more power mankind wields... the greater the fallout from their mistakes becomes in turn.

And yet... and yet. Deep breaths. There is also a decent chance, out of all this, that COVID simply fades quietly away, and that all we're left with are the political consequences and the vaccine side effects. Not that those are any slouch - but, they are at least more comprehensible.

I watched a video, first time in a long time (I used to watch him every day in May 2020) by Chris Martenson last night, after my divination. He went into great detail on vaccine side effect reporting from the EU, and highlighted something fascinating that I'd had no idea about. Of course heart issues of all types were widely reported, but the highest single effect reported in the data was neurological and anxiety disorders. This seems to include everything from seizures to onset of severe anxiety. Anxiety, eh? I think back on some of the interactions I've been at the receiving end of over the last month and I have to wonder...

But to get back on topic, the card is... as should not surprise me anymore... excruciatingly correct. It feels like a truth may have been revealed... but has it? Fundamentally, I still don't know. The larger context in my supplementary tarot warns that the reversed High Priestess can represent secrets that seem to have been revealed, but may actually stay a mystery. "Someone is obsessing about finding out all the facts when that is in fact impossible." Guilty, ugh...

And thus, I have decided to avoid checking JMG's site for the next two days, to give my soul a little bit of a break, and some time to recover. If I find that this doesn't help, I may actually stop checking all the news sites - I only go to alternative ones, but even so, COVID is the topic du jour all over every corner of the Internet right now.

Because... frankly... if these scenarios are going to play out, one or the other, there's no longer anything that can be done to stop them. The vaccinations have been given. The variants are mutating. The economy won't survive another lock-down. I guess I could wear a mask? Ehhh... it would be far more practical to buy myself (and potentially the family) some elderberry syrup. And ivermectin. Time to dig up that site that routes generic meds through Vanuatu! Wheeee!

Gonna put my kid to bed soon... then, let's divinate for tomorrow. May it be an easier day. I'm thinking that ALL reversed cards, even if ostensibly good readings, can create a bumpy ride...

Me: 6 of Clubs (The Tower) REVERSED - problems, but I can handle them

Situation: 8 of Spades (Justice) - Reason, Fairness "getting what you deserve, for good or ill"

Outcome: 5 of Spades REVERSED - not able to win, hollow victory

Well! This feels like a terrible divination.

Interestingly, I usually get a "tell" very quickly with these cards, but for the first time I had to sort twice and reshuffle extensively before getting any extrasensory response at all, and it was very slight. I wonder if they didn't want to tell me? Or if I am just burned out... perhaps the spiritual exhaustion continues.

In any case, I will stick to my guns, and see if it doesn't bring about some healing tomorrow. It's possible that if I treat these cards as a warning, the outcome may not be as terrible. We'll see.

Catching up, as I was up past midnight last night talking to a friend and then doing an SOP very late.

Me card: Oh, I was the Jack of Spades in every way yesterday. No doubt. I stepped very... very... carefully.

Situation: I was surprised and touched by how both my husband and father jumped in to help me gather and deliver plums yesterday! :) So far, two very happy "customers" have resulted. I will be taking a spiritual break after this post by going outside and picking more - I've got two more deliveries lined up!

Outcome: Well, there were two "conversations" last night.

First, my mother-in-law announced - through my poor husband - that she would not permit an unvaccinated person to live in her house. So this is a retraction of the promise that she would help us with the baby when it is born. I... am not really surprised. And I don't think it is outside her rights - in fact, I'm kind of proud of her for setting boundaries! The last "kids" she had living in her house absolutely trashed it, in a frankly unforgivable way. Per her view I suppose I would be doing the same.

And... you know what, in a lot of ways, it's a relief. I truly, utterly hate my mother-in-law's house. It's in a wretched location, unwalkable and close to nothing. It always had a serious amount of bad juju, even when I lived there years ago. And now that she's tried to get rid of it with a comprehensive remodel... it's actually worse!! She went full HGTV, knocked down all the walls, and now all the fancy new appliances ALREADY have things that don't work on them (it hasn't even been a year!) and you can hear every sound made from every room. There's no privacy - it's a hellish hall of sound mirrors. And of course... she has an Alexa. Right in the middle of the open floor plan, in absolute pride of place.

I'll just confess here that, despite my mother-in-law's official status as a Wiccan priestess, that I often wonder if she does any spiritual practice at all. Her lifestyle does not reflect the influence, let's just say. This relieving drawing-of-boundaries allows me to admit, that her house - and her life - is demon-haunted. Thank the gods my baby will not have to spend its most vulnerable years in there! I guess she invited them in at some point, and just can't bear to see them go. Maybe she would become too alone...? Her husband has started to spend every weekday, Monday-Friday, out working on their friend's property in the countryside, and not returning to the home at night (too far to drive, of course). That, to me, suggests everything about what condition that house has descended to.

I will try to write that email today, if I can. I need to get my poor husband out from between the two of us. He has thrown in with me, so to speak, and bless him for it - but his mother continuing to pass messages through him is unacceptable, and frankly unbecoming of an adult.

And then, I chatted with Ericka.

First, a cheerful note: my "I do not disclose my status" policy worked GREAT with Ericka. She just assumed I was vaccinated and continued on to talk about what she wanted to talk about. That's a good sign for future social contacts!

Then, well, there's the rest of it. Ericka has completely rearranged her life around the current mainstream narrative, and is the abject servant of fear. She works entirely from home, wears a mask outdoors everywhere, is in high dudgeon about people going to parties and eating at restaurants, is dumping friends when she sees them on Facebook in pictures without masks, has gone completely xenophobic (by her own admission!) over European tourists visiting without masks, and is even frightened, yes frightened, of children! She told me, in her way of joking yet not really joking, "When are they going to make the vaccines work for 5-year-olds already? So they can stop threatening me!"

I said again and again to her, "Do whatever you feel you must, these are frightening times." And... I meant that. But I sit and think back on our conversation now with a lingering sadness. That's the main feeling I have about COVID everything right now - sadness. Deep and abiding sadness.

This isn't so much of a disappointment as an "ah, of course" but when Ericka reached out to me by text to chat, I'd wondered if she wanted to genuinely check in with me and revive our friendship. That was not the case. She just wanted to rant and rave about the unvaccinated and hear an echo chamber about how everything she had chosen to do this last year was Good and Right and Better and how her fear was the only thing keeping her safe.

At one point in the conversation she told me she was convinced she had already had COVID back in April 2020, and despite the fact that it caused her no serious health problems at the time, and she admitted that scientifically she has a good chance of having even less of a reaction should she catch it again, her main emotional reaction while telling me this was RAGE at all the people in her local Target who were still unmasked - this was back before mask mandates!! - who had GIVEN her the disease. Of course she is also vaccinated. Ericka could not possibly be safer from COVID-19 and its variants, not in any universe which operates on the laws of physics. And it has driven her absolutely, positively insane.

Obviously under these conditions there is nothing remaining that can be called a "friendship". I am relieved, now, that she betrayed me so utterly as an editor. It allowed me to work through the end of our friendship, and my emotions associated with it, long before it actually came. A harsh blessing - but many blessings are harsh.

There was no time, obviously, to discuss my spiritual development in edgewise. But this opens up a possibility to how I can "end" this.

I'm going to write her an email (which is faster) and let her know that from here on out, I do not want to discuss national politics in any way whatsoever. I can't affect them as an individual, and it really just feels like talking about the boulder rolling rapidly down the chute towards us while we're all strapped to a board. I will tell her that I converted to Druidry, and that my focus in life right now is on spirituality and making my family more resilient. And that if she wants to talk about that, she's welcome to reach out anytime. But if she's not interested, I'll never bug her any further.

I think that will be the last communication between us.

I like that, because it is both me drawing my boundaries with a bright line, and also being utterly respectful of her. She's going through one hell of a chunk of karma. A lifetime of cowardice and keeping people at arm's length, rewarded with isolation in a prison of pure fear. Gods bless her, and help her somehow through the suffering she has chosen. But I must affix my own oxygen mask. So... onward.

After all that... I could use a divination. These times be crazy yo.

Me: Ace of Hearts REVERSED - no emotional/spiritual/creative flow

Situation: 6 of Diamonds REVERSED - no community actions, or harmony, or cooperation

Outcome: Ace of Clubs (Strength) - Courage

Well, this is... clear enough of a reading. I can tell that I am holding my emotions strictly in check, that's the way it has to be right now. I won't be cooperating with others nor they with me (in fact I think it will be the opposite). But the outcome will be courage and strength. So be it, amen.

I was slumping along today until I made an impromptu decision to eat half a block of cheese (a European-sized block, to be clear!). Now I feel almost normal! Yay for cheese! :)

(But the cheese rescue didn't come early enough to finish this post... catching up now!)

Yesterday's divination was interestingly diverse... I wondered how the heck the celebration card and the Queen of Spades were going to get along... and the answer was, "awkwardly". I think I was celebrating - all of my references got back to me, and I've got almost all of the onboarding paperwork done - just gotta piss in a cup in some dingy office, and we're golden. I don't even do drugs (even alcohol is difficult to binge on for me) so it seems like I'm about to embark on the next phase of my life! :) I don't currently feel deep existential dread, either... and now that I write those words... perhaps I am celebrating THAT more than anything else.

And... as usual...the Queen of Spades promised pain, and delivered. While filling out reference information today, even though I had the required minimum, the software wanted me to provide several more to "complete" the task, including one more manager. Trying to think back to the last actually good manager I had prior to the one who'd already promised to review me, I couldn't think of how to contact him outside of Facebook. So I signed back in to that dreadful software.

I decided to quickly scan the feed to see how some of the contacts I only know through there are doing - bad idea! Bad idea!! - and I found out: someone found a lost cat; someone went on a nicely challenging mountain hike; someone's front porch was ransacked, probably by her political enemies; and the spouse of a dear friend of mine cross-posted an article titled "Why We Should Just Force Everyone To Get Vaccinated Already."

I clicked out of Facebook like it was on fire, and wrote to the HR person to request that they just go ahead with the references I already had. This was accepted.

The pointy end pierced me straight through as I sat there afterwards and realized that, most likely, I will never see that poster in person ever again... and due to the close connection... my dear friend, either. As in most Fourth Turnings, the times are determined to viciously divide us, in ways none of us could ever have predicted even two short years ago.

Who would have thought that I, for my part, would have ever questioned taking a vaccine? I got myself injected with Gardasil, the most recent new vaccine I can remember, as fast as I could get access to it. I was thrilled to have a lower chance of cervical cancer (I got it while too old for it to be perfectly protecting). I usually get a flu shot - I've only skipped them due to scheduling inconvenience, and always regretted it. I couldn't have imagined that this miracle of modern medicine might ever need to be resisted.

And who would have thought that this Facebook user - a hyper-rationalist, trans, union leader who I always deeply admired for her solid grasp on finances - would have ever cross-posted on a public forum something advocating for an insufficiently tested medical treatment to be forced upon everyone in the country, using every method short of a gun to the head?

As I told my husband when I could finally speak about it (it took a few hours)... I forgive her. She is trans, and that comes with many, many medical complications. Obesity out of the suffering of her childhood; the transition hormones, which seem to not be interacting very well with her system; other issues that keep popping up, then side effects from the medications she is taking to treat said other issues, and so on, and so on... I think at one point she had lockjaw and had to eat through a straw for a while. She's been a shut-in since long before COVID kicked off - staying upstairs during my family's visits, most of the time, due to not feeling well. Per my friend, she was upset enough about her father's passing (a year before COVID) that I was able to read between the lines and suss out that she isn't emotionally prepared to face the ending of her life just yet, either. No different from most people, of course!

The point I'm trying to make here, is that should anything change about the society we currently live in - and I mean ANYTHING - she may very well actually die. If any circulated diseases are incompletely vaccinated against or become even more so; if the medical infrastructure shudders and she is unable to access emergency treatment from some medication reaction in time; if there is a disruption in the medical supply chains, which cut off any of her medications or the transition hormones, and she is then unable to access medical care for withdrawal symptoms; and of course if there is a huge backlash in this country against rank Democrat mismanagement and the Republicans take control--trans people have been portrayed as the ultimate child-devouring bogeyman among that crowd for years now, and now that we no longer "do" medical privacy, will likely be served up on a silver platter to appease the mob...

Can I really blame her, for advocating for a policy that she believes would protect what she has, or even save her life? No, and who could?! Even if I were to tell her all the reasons why it won't work... how could she possibly hear anything other than "You're going to die, and you have to deal with it"??

She's one of the people I have feared for the most throughout all this mess. But... I can no longer protect her. That moment--in which I realize that there are people I care about who I can neither help nor save--has arrived. I would have hidden her in my home. I still will, if she asks.

My outcome card was "choosing security over risk" and as this was the day that my last real concern about not getting this job somehow dissolved, I feel that I have chosen the security of a well-paying job over the risk of crouching in my home until the unemployment finishes paying out. Then again, looking at the world we live in today... what is safety? What is risk? I've chosen the path that society thinks is the ideal one, for sure, and that has its own rewards. It will be good to be paid, to have healthcare and dental. But there's no such thing as a perfectly safe choice. Not in these times, and not in any times.

On that lovely note, let's get today's divination done, and go on a walk.

Me: Queen of Clubs - creative, optimistic, holding a little one

Situation: 6 of Clubs (The Tower) REVERSED - thank god no earth-shattering realizations to come today, "more of a manageable or expected change, the questioner able to handle it graciously"

Outcome: 2 of Clubs REVERSED - no discussion or debate, "will lead to an adventurous, exciting conclusion - the questioner needs to jump in with both feet!"

The cards are lightening up, hooray! A straight clubs flush - does that mean I'll be particularly creative or daring today? And on that note... I'd better go schedule peeing in a cup. Back tonight!

I noticed that I ended up double posting yesterday - oops! I guess anyone happening to read got a double dose of what I hope, I PRAY, was my personal peak of Crazytown 2021. Today both was and was not a crazytown day. I'll go with not - I'm pretty calm right now, and I believe that I have achieved closure on the two biggest issues haunting me this last month. To explain...

I went on a nice long 4-mile walk this AM, to give me time to think over everything that happened last weekend. And--bless my mind, that idea machine that churns out a thousand possibilities a day if I let it--I finally recognized a workable, respectful solution to COVID vaccine hysteria.

The following phrase popped into my head: "Schrödinger's vaccine". I don't quite know where it came from, but I recognized the implications immediately. Namely, that from this point onward no one else should ever know whether or not I have received the vaccine, aside from me and possibly my doctor. That would include my mother-in-law, my father, my mother, my extended family, my work, any establishment that might ask me for any form of a vaccine passport or be overly pushy about whether or not I am wearing a mask, and even my own husband (mostly to keep him safe from prying questions from other entities on the list). This isn't going to completely eliminate how I've become a lightning rod for others to project their own anxieties upon - but it suggests, thankfully, a path towards wrapping this crap up.

"I'm worried about having another baby" didn't work (amazing! but this culture has been one of death for a while); "Please respect my body, my choice" didn't work (so ironic from those who have championed abortion rights, but hey, we're in the Upside Down now); but strict adherence to this method allows me to fall back on the steel foundation of medical privacy. It is a more "male"-identified concern, too, which sadly helps in this case (and to think I'll be using this tack against at least a few avowed feminists! the craziness of these times!!). I join myself also with the larger "don't tread on me!" crowd, which, whatever my personal aversions to how that philosophy is often expressed, is the heritage of my country, almost to the point of wrapping my dissent in the flag. The country can still provide me this much, at least. God Bless America!

How long will I follow this policy? FOREVER. Or at least until COVID is no longer a concern to the wider society in any way whatsoever, amen.

Here's the nitty-gritty, as I have figured it out thus far: Before I attend any meetings of groups that I have a previous connection with, I will continue to disclose upfront, but only that I am "Schrödinger's vaccinated". I.e., that I refuse on the principle of medical privacy to disclose whether or not I am vaccinated, to ANYONE, not even my own husband! So given that I will never release that information, I then leave it up to the organization/people whether or not they would like me to be there. If they would prefer not - or if they request this bullshit of wearing a mask in a way that would put a very obvious Kick Me sign on my face - I'm out. I will accept that I can no longer participate. For neutral places/new groups, I will scrupulously follow all requests that are made up front, and am happy to wear a mask at the request of the staff/government if it is posted on the front door. This includes places like transit and hospitals, which, I completely understand why they want the mask a little longer. I will limit my protest strictly to my own person - the better to make it more powerful.

This still creates inconvenience and upheaval in my life, of course, but I'd already accepted that when I decided not to be a liar. I'm in a situation where, for better or worse, I still need to interact with others. But I feel deeply right now that I need to fight for my child--in a way women of my race and class haven't had to do for generations--with as much determination and intelligence and cunning as I can possibly manage, to bring them forth into incarnation and into my arms. To fight like this requires both a shield and a sword. Schrödinger's vaccination can become my shield--my uncompromising will to carry forward this small personal protest for as many YEARS as I have to, and to accept uncomplainingly all limitations laid upon me as a result, will be my sword.

And there's one more part to this, too. I'm deeply frustrated and furious over this situation, both in the country in general, and within my own social circle. I am aware that I have... a strong will. And a mind on the sharper side of things. And when I find myself caught up in a situation that I not only feel, but know to be some form of injustice, I get extremely pissed, in an "icy fury" way. Which I recognize as dangerous, to both those around me and my own self. I need to channel these particular emotions in a direction where I can both appropriately express and process them, and don't cause collateral damage in the process. Because... in my own way, I'm risking getting just as inappropriately emotional about this as my mother-in-law.

After all, there are situations - my lovely mind has sketched several out for me already - where getting the vaccination ends up being the best path forward! Just because the current data/this society hasn't yet provided me with them doesn't mean they can't arise in the future. And the pattern I recognized myself getting caught up in this morning was "How DARE you try to tell me what to do!" If I let myself fall into that, I will refuse to get a vaccine going forward for any reason whatsoever, even if it would be better for me and my child's safety. I can't allow that. I need to keep a clear head about this, no matter what the cost. I know that a life could be riding on it.

As soon as I have the strength, I will write to my mother-in-law directly to explain this new policy. We'll go from there.

Which means of course, that even on this blog... I am now officially Schrödinger's vaccinated :) I will never write specifically about my vaccination status here ever again - merely how others are or are not reacting well to my disclosure. I've learned the hard way why our ancestors made medical privacy a right... and I'm going to do my level best to uphold it.

OK, so that should get me as close to peace as is possible with the vaccine madness. In addition, Avery Denison called back and offered me the job.

Since I've already hashed out most of my emotions about the position and its conditions - and the remaining ones are immensely calmed by the new Schrödinger's vaccine policy, mainly because now I know what to expect in my near to medium-term future - I accepted the position. I made sure to take an hour before accepting and do an incredibly in-depth SOP before I called back with the acceptance, though. I had so many internal conversation between various parts of my own self during that hour, I think I could get a diagnosis if I phrased things to the doctor in just the right way.... ^^;

I asked my Mind if it was ready to commit itself to learning the business of Avery Denison for a minimum of 8 hours a day. It was a bit hesitant, until I let it know that we could take the Candidate Year at a slower pace than a year if necessary. We will continue to make progress on it, that's not negotiable, but we can moderate it depending on how difficult the Avery Denison work turns out to be.
I felt, for the first time in a while, the fires of my Will combining together upon a single path. I got emotional - I am so very grateful for the strength and power of my Will. When it is united and focused I can do astonishing things. I taught myself fluent Japanese in my teenage years; I restarted my career from ashes in an entirely new field with no related education or certification; I have a happy and respectful marriage despite my own parents being an example of the opposite. It needs to be channeled and well-informed, of course, and without my Heart in it I now know that it barely flickers. But it's a tremendous power in its own right, and it underlies most of what I have achieved in this life.
I reached out to my Heart to ask if it was OK with this. It isn't happy, per se, but we agreed that these conditions are worth enduring, and I promised it that we wouldn't be staggering through situations unsure if the people around us feared us, hated us, wanted to hurt us and risk our baby's life, any more. That has been the hardest on my Heart. But now, we are going to take back control of the situation, understand that we are following the best possible path at any given time, and actively find our way to calmer and saner human connections.
I chatted with my Body a bit as I've become accustomed to doing (the Body is sassy, I have discovered). It doesn't love being in a room with screens for 8 hours. But, it likes the walk, it likes that we will take more structured breaks, and it demands - demands!! - that I keep going to the gym on a regular basis. OK, Body, you get to call the shots for a little while!
I don't yet do the Spirit Below/Above part of the SOP. I am taking it very... very... slow. I'm feeling like I'm ready to finally learn them soon, though.

You know what? Today was a preposterously eventful day. I didn't even mention the event where three contracting companies all ended up submitting me for the same position at Nike, mostly without my consent, and were arguing the situation with me by phone and email. SHEESH, WHEN CAN THE DRAMA END. But I feel, finally... that it might be soon :)

The divination seems accurate - I moved toward a new life, I achieved both material and emotional/spiritual comfort through hard work and persistence, and at the end of the day, I felt a powerful bond between internal and external, in discovering a new way that I can productively deal with the crazy of the moment. I need to get tomorrow's reading done and go to bed, though!

Me: 6 of Diamonds - Charity, Harmony, Cooperation, "being/seeking fairness"

Situation: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) - Balance, Moderation "The timing is good for progress, but the Seeker must be willing to compromise on some details."

Outcome: Ace of Clubs (Strength) REVERSED - NOT overcoming desire, building trust, or courage "If possible, the Seeker should be willing to postpone any serious decisions, avoid conflicts, and feel emotionally stronger before tackling this problem head on."

So... I'm reading that I should NOT write that email to my mother-in-law tomorrow. Good to know! The rest of them, well, we'll just have to see how this all goes. I'm quite tired - to bed!

I was so overjoyed by the turn of events yesterday, that I kind of skimmed over my dreadful reading for the next day. Well... it was accurate. Unfortunately.

I had another interview for the position in question first thing this morning, and it was very successful - sigh. Afterwards I went out and took a very long walk, did some shopping, signed up for a gym membership, and had a rather long and thoughtful talk with the local gentleman who putters about our sidewalk-less roads in a wheelchair, who has survived AIDS for over 30 years, about why everyone seems so weird right now. My thoughts: "Our society isn't used to periods of intense suffering. People haven't quite figured out exactly what happened to them last year..." His thoughts were that COVID was an opportunity for people to turn to love over fear. He's writing his memoirs and it's clear that's how he wants to wrap them up. Boy, I hope he's right...

It wrapped up with me admitting I was still unvaccinated, because I am worried about infertility side effects from the current crop of vaccines. Though also adding, the vaccines have been good things for many people, of course himself (very high risk and vaccinated long ago) included. He told me I was brave and an inspiration - that was very kind of him, he is an extremely kind man, and I thanked him for it, but I do not feel so brave today. Mostly just tired, and wrung out like a dry sponge.

I know all this isn't even a ten-thousandth as intense as what happened in Europe in the '30s and '40s, but it feels like I've been getting a tiny taste of the same dish. I understand why the Germans mostly just saluted Hitler and looked the other way while their Jewish neighbors were burned in ovens, now. I understand why almost no one made a different choice. It's like lighting yourself on fire! If I wasn't doing this for my own child, I'm not even sure I could resist as much as I have... How simplistic our school lessons about the Holocaust were! The horror is undeniable, but I see now that no one really understands anything about that period in history until they get a glimpse not only into the minds of the perpetrators, but also those who stood by and did nothing whatsoever to stop it.

My grandmother became an Allied nurse in southern Germany right after the war ended, and she was always telling me how much she hated the Nazis - and in the same breath, insisting on what good people the Germans were, how terribly they suffered. While she was there, she employed several of the local people in her home and patronized literal starving artists - we have a magnificent portrait, museum-quality, of her in the hallway that I know wasn't her style but was no doubt ordered out of sympathy with a man who had no other way to feed his family. I wondered after I became an adult if my grandma was splitting hairs a bit - no doubt the immense post-war suffering of the German people was earned karmically, after all. Maybe so, maybe not, but I now understand she was an incredibly kind and empathetic woman, which didn't always come across to me through her stern demeanor. When we finally, as a society, pass through all of this... I will do my best to emulate her.

After that, I did a ritual in which I was able once again to communicate well with my body. It was pretty unambiguous in its message for me - "Take care of me first, THEN have that baby." Indeed! Message received. I'll start visiting the gym properly tomorrow.

And after that, and after finding out there is yet another interview they wanted to schedule for Wednesday... I continued to feel completely exhausted and worn out and stressed. It occurred to me that if this is my general mood over the next several months, I'm just going to miscarry any child I conceive! So, after discussing it with Mike one final time, I decided to rip the band-aid off. I emailed the HR person directly and told her that I was currently unvaccinated, that I was waiting until 2022 or the Novavax, whichever came first, and that it was due to concerns about infertility, as we want to have another child in the next few years. I offered to comply with any necessary requirements (masks, etc) to keep others in the office feeling safe, but if this was disqualifying for the position, I want to have it be known now before we go any further. Right before sending, I said a small prayer to the egregore of Avery Denison as I did so - perhaps really a small prayer to my former self, my former values - thanking it for giving me a pleasant interview experience, accepting whatever the outcome would be, and hoping that everything would work out in the best possible way for all.

I have no idea whether I'll even get a reply, lol. This could very well be a surprisingly abrupt end to what would have been a 4 (!!) interview cycle. But complete silence would definitely be better than a long, awkward, "well we can't technically fire you for it but......." so I hope at least I can avoid that.

My father will be incredibly disappointed if I don't land this job, and I honestly don't know what I will tell him. I wish I had never told him anything about it whatsoever. I am going to try to move my desk into my room this week so that he can't oversee anything I'm working on, and I'll try to conduct business with the "...to be silent!" maxim first and foremost going forward.

I slightly regret torpedoing Avery Denison - a few short years ago everyone I talked with there would have been "my people", and it would have enabled us to stay in the PMC a bit longer, though not to afford a home or anything like that lol (and their fancy salary healthcare plan ended up being no better than our current poverty plan through the government, sheesh!) - and if they have a more positive response than I am expecting I am still open to working there - but at this point, I would also be relieved never to hear anything back from them ever again. Every part of this experience has been a forced look through the lens of "how the other half live" - how I imagine non-PMC often feel when forced to be at the mercy of PMC. Or, you know... darker analogues. I feel like I burned yet another chunk of karma through this whole mess, but of course, these experiences always SUCK.

I'm not going to do one single thing related to the job hunt tomorrow whatsoever. I'm going to work out, and sew, and recover. That's IT.

In short, I was the Chariot, because I had a breakthrough on how to finally settle and wrap up the wretched situation; the situation was the Queen of Swords with her pointy karma delivery device; and for the outcome, I took on the responsibility (10 of Clubs) of laying it all out on the table, and accepted the consequences thereof. Pat and dry.

Divination for my (oh gods please) quiet day tomorrow...

Me: Ace of Spades - Focus, Clarity

Situation: Jack of Diamonds - Fascination, Wonder, Scholarship

Outcome: 10 of Clubs REVERSED - "Reversed, in the Outcome position, this card advises the Seeker to give up her burdens, put down the weight she has been carrying and accept her own limitations. She's been trying to do too much, carrying too heavy a load, and she needs to be realistic about what she, alone, can accomplish."

Signs are good for the quiet day I'm coveting tomorrow... sounds like I will be able to focus on my sewing, and watch a bunch of episodes on the library DVD about English cathedrals. And, hopefully, one way or another... this situation can resolve. Fingers crossed.

Well, uh... today's been a very interesting day!!

It started out normally enough, I slept in a bit after my big long post yesterday, I didn't check the news (still haven't, and don't intend to, indefinitely), and we went to the mall for entertainment/snacks and then grocery shopping as a family. In between the Natural Grocers and the Winco, I told Mike that I was doing fine overall, but I was still having waves of random exhaustion--and would until the interviews etc. for the current job under consideration were done--and so maybe this afternoon, would it be OK if I napped?

And then he said, "Do you need to turn down this job? I'd be OK with that. I just want the drama to stop."

This was followed by a heated (but not angry) conversation that ended up with us finally hitting upon the core emotional issue going on for me, which is that I feel like I've fought so hard and so long to have this second child, and I don't want to potentially make myself infertile seven mere weeks before we had finally agreed as a family to start trying to conceive said child, and this job is trying to pressure me into it, but I'd assumed that our conversation last week after rejecting Amazon where I specifically asked him how I can prove I am committed to our marriage and valuing his needs ended up with his asking me to pursue a career I really wanted, but there's nothing about this job I don't want - except that they're trying to pressure me into killing my baby, which is kind of taking the bloom off the rose? And maybe I could get a non-Amazon remote job instead, there's a possibility there and I'm working on it, but everything else new-career-wise I can think of costs money instead of earns it, and also takes away my time and energy from working on reducing our costs in a way that we can still enjoy our lives on a lower income, and we need the money for the baby, and if I could just have and hold this baby already, I'm not (too) afraid of the vaccine and I would consider getting the J&J just to make everyone else in my entire goddamn life leave me the fuck ALONE, but I just need to know that my choices aren't killing the baby before it can even implant in my womb, and no one on the face of the Earth can offer that to me right now, so all that's left is to endure everything I must over this final stretch until I can finally reach the other shore, and I can't really go through all this like a robot and thus drama, and oh god, why are there still seven weeks left of this hell???

(The conversation went about like that, I think that paragraph is pretty accurate to life.)

And Mike said "How about we just start trying to conceive right now, then?"

And I went "Bwuh?"

And I'll skip past the rest of it and just say that we decided as a couple that we could start trying to conceive, in fact, right now. Right now!

So there's the "Efforts Rewarded" and the "Excess" all smashed together (heh) - making this decision was like a dam bursting. We've gone through at least a half-dozen "Really? Really. Really? Really." mood swings over the rest of the day, but mostly in a good way. I mean, I definitely have a bias for action and all that (lol Amazon terminology) but usually I carefully plan huge life shifts like this one. This was kind of like "WELP LET'S GO" which was quite romantic, but also a bit of a shock for us both!

I went outside after that conversation and did the SOP and had a breakthrough with that as well - I am working on the Earth part, currently, and though I had been doing the visualizations, I hadn't quite reached a full understanding of the meaning of the element. This time, I actively reached out to my own body - asking it what it needed to be happy, healthy, and to successfully bear my next child. I became quite emotional! I've been telling my body to STFU for such a long time... I was physically happy in Seattle--despite the rampant social destruction and the desecration of the modern building spree--because I was free to walk human-sized blocks every day, and to go to the gym and lift weights a few times a week. Then we moved to Portland to try and buy a house, we've been living ever since in a suburb without sidewalks or much worth walking to, and of course there was a period during the beginning of COVID where I spent 20 hours a day in my room... even going back to downtown, almost everything was closed, the skies were sepia in the fall, and everything in the entire world tried to coerce me to "GET BACK INSIDE." At one point I tried to cut back on food and became briefly suicidal. Obviously, my body has been cycling through various levels of unhappiness, but I've told it again and again these past few years to STFU - to push on a little longer - to be satisfied with this or that workaround - to be subservient to this or that mandate, so that we could keep staggering on towards various goals. Can... can this self-torture finally end? Can I relax, and finally get my body what it wants and needs to make me happy and healthy??

I've been holding back on getting a gym membership again, for example, because I'm trying to bring our costs down as far as possible. But we've both agreed in one of our many conversations today, that I should just go ahead and join. It's not that expensive, and it's time to get this body in proper order for its next task. I'm sure I'll be coming up with a lot of things that it's time to go ahead and get done, now that I think of it...

I also said a prayer to my future child - telling them that we've finally become ready to welcome them, and when and if they feel it is right, they can come here and live with us.

Looking at that Queen of Clubs card again, I notice the cat-queen is holding a little kitten in her arms! That doesn't mean "pregnancy" (that would be the Empress, and also, I'm not pregnant TODAY--probably--and when I do become pregnant I probably won't need a test to recognize it, based on previous experience) but it does indicate some things?? :) What an unexpected yet on-point outcome!

Let's do some divination about tomorrow's interview, and hopefully going in and formally joining a gym after that. Oh, I've been so miserable for so long - it's not like we're going to have less work and hassle going forward with this choice, but finally, finally I feel so happy! :)

Me: 7 of Spades (The Chariot) - A triumph, a breakthrough, an inventive solution

Situation: Queen of Spades - pointy pointy ouch ouch

Outcome: 10 of Clubs - A Responsibility, A Burden

Well... it isn't going to be rainbows and unicorns tomorrow. Not entirely surprising! I think the Me card is about right - I hope to keep a sense of triumph tomorrow - and, alas, the Queen of Spades rears her head again. How interesting that the King of Spades seems to be me interacting with the world when I feel like I have some control, and the Queen of Spades is maybe me interacting with the world when I don't have so much control... but I'll take my karma in the teeth, why not? I hope I come down on the responsibility side of the outcome card. But we'll just have to see, won't we? We'll just have to see!

My cards yesterday all but called me out as being "lethally cranky" today, and well... I think that's about right. I'm so cranky I legitimately wondered if I should bother to write anything at all today, but... it does encapsulate some spiritual elements and this is a spiritual blog. Also, I'm kind of giving in (not that I had much choice) to the "stay awake at night and think about things" outcome card. So let's go.

I've been working pretty hard to distract myself, with some success, but I can't deny that I'm not all that much happier about this potential new job than the Amazon one. There is a difference in my unhappiness - the scratching, writhing animal reaction that was going on for the Amazon job is thankfully absent - but the appetite and sleep disruptions are steaming right along. (Silver lining - I might lose some weight at this rate...)

Part of me is like "that's it! That's the statement!" but of course, I have to figure out what to do about it in my actual life.

What's making me lethally cranky is that unlike the Amazon position, I have no argument to justify backing out of this job that I can legitimately offer to anyone in my life. Mike at least would probably tolerate it - he has been hovering, annoyingly, all day, because he is an empathetic person and can no doubt feel my black mood like a fog. He has told me many times that he just wants me to be happy and I believe him. I wish I could flip a switch and get there.

I don't want to get a vaccine and I WILL NOT at this time (not without data I feel that I can trust regarding infertility issues, which can't even exist per the laws of math for another 6 months minimum). So, since this is the thing I cannot budge on... everything else has to fall into place from there. But of course, this is the exact thing that next to no one in this society is capable of understanding. And unless I'm willing to lie - like, REALLY lie, like look into the face of a coworker and ostensible comrade and straight-up tell them an untruth they believe threatens their life with a smile - I am going to have to live under the mark of a decision no one else around me understands or sympathizes with.

I have the strength to do this. More to the point, I have the gender and class privilege to do this - actively bearing and raising an infant as a middle-class married woman gives one an "out" in many ways, even in this increasingly anti-child society. But I don't have the strength, it feels to me right now, to do this and be cheerful about it. My black mood is extending from there.

Mike so desperately wants me to be happy, he talked all day about how "People are calming down! They're gathering again without masks! We should go places with other people - maybe if we see them enough times, they'll be our friends someday! That's something to hope for, right?" Poor Mike - he can tell, I think, on a gut level that... well... I might be hitting a wall with society right now, period.

I don't want to be unkind, or ungracious, and I certainly don't want to make anyone else feel unsafe. I know that roughly 80% or greater of the people we would be mingling with would immediately ban me from their group if they knew I was not vaccinated. And that makes me... not want to be there.

I don't have the energy any more to navigate the impossible standards of left-leaning Portlanders - those raging hypocrites who will nod along with vaccination mandates, social distancing, etc. while of course constantly meeting all their friends (and attending BLM marches) constantly during this pandemic - just on the "down-low". People really are noticeably relaxing, but also I notice a very studious practice of trying not to talk about it. People are just going back to their lives and usual routines quietly. It's a good thing - but the moment they so much as bump into anyone, oh, it's all "I'm vaccinated! I'm vaccinated! I'm a GOOD PERSON!!" The moment one must interact with masks, or COVID, or getting close to another person not in your family, vaccination must be incanted, lest one be Unclean and Bad. I'm extremely tired of it, and seeing as I'd probably have to navigate it every fucking day on this fucking job, I have no appetite to deal with it in any way outside of the job.

I don't want to navigate the Unitarian Universalist church (they're still meeting on Zoom anyway). I don't want to deal with Meet-Up groups. I don't want to deal with the few online friends that I keep up with, 100% of whom are vaccinated and child-free. I'm already off of social media and I'm staying off. I don't want to deal with my family - it's long past time that I keep Levi's maxim "...to be silent!" in mind, and practice it constantly. They (specifically my father, but also everyone else) don't need to know any more details of my job hunt, period, ever again. I'll be moving my desk out of the dining room and into the bedroom so that I no longer have to interact with anyone in this household except at a time of my choosing. I should probably have done that long ago!

On the long-term positive side, I finally might be hitting a wall with the news - I've decreased my consumption dramatically, but there are still a few sites I visit across the spectrum - and I might be able to channel this negative energy into cutting them out of my life for good. That would probably improve my mental health dramatically! And move me away from screens, which is something I would like to do. I'm at the point where I'm thinking, what good does it do me to even read about events? I can't change them, and I already have my path.

I'm extremely grateful that I made the decision to take up a spiritual path right now - if I didn't have this, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that I would be in a pit of absolute despair. As is typical in a Fourth Turning, there's not really anywhere to run right now - there's no "better place" anywhere I could reach. People have lost their minds and won't quickly regain them - at least not until things are REALLY bad, far and away worse than anything happening in this moment. I can neither prevent such bad times, nor bring them on any faster. The only realistic option is to suffer with dignity, and to keep as tight a hold as possible onto my personal ethics, so that I can retain the ability to look at myself in the mirror. And, hopefully... to welcome my child into this world in a year or so.

The great thing about AODA Candidacy is that it gives me plenty to occupy my time with :) I've got my planned Earth Path curriculum written down in a notebook - there's a dozen books in there! I haven't made nearly as much progress on discursive meditation as I would like - that's a whole category I get to focus on, with endless possible work - I have The Cosmic Doctrine right there, to provide endless fodder for contemplation. I still need to complete the SOP (I have all the elements, just Spirit Above/Below to add in). I've got lists of local parks and nature areas to go hiking in, to try and connect in the real world with the knowledge in the books. My Bardic path, I believe, will be in "culinary arts" - I plan a 4-part proposed curriculum including mastering basic elemental cooking (Air = bread, Fire = campfire cooking, Water = soup/stew, Earth = fermenting), completing 75% of the recipes in my Mennonite cookbook on eating responsibly and serving them to my family, cooking something grown locally and in season and bought at the farmer's market every week for an entire year, and either eating or preserving everything that is growing in our garden right now. Oh - and making sure there's as little waste as possible from all of the above. So... 5 parts?? Also I'm going to keep trying to keep baby trees alive, and planting them in out-of-the-way areas. I'm discovering there's a hell of a learning curve to that!

None of this requires a community or friends (though I will continue looking into the Druid church options). I can putter around indefinitely all by myself. So, while I know that I won't reject social time or friendship that comes my way... I don't need to hunt it down. I have enough safety to wait until enough people have gone through the stages of grief about what's happening in our society, that my companionship might seem like a good deal, despite being an Unclean.

To complete my review of my day, I did complete everything I needed to for the ceremony tomorrow. I suppose the positive, creative Queen card worked out that way :) Also, I looked again, and I could also do the ceremony under the same astrological conditions at the hours of 1:52 PM - 2:49 PM. So... I don't need to get up super early after all.

The chamomile tea I am drinking is starting to kick in and calm me down, so I think I'm ready to do the divination.

Me: King of Hearts - Sensitivity, Creativity, Career

Situation: Ace of Hearts REVERSED - NO creative, emotional, spiritual flow

Outcome: 8 of Hearts (The Moon) - Instinct, Mystery, Subtlety

Oh no, not another hearts sweep... :( But I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. I don't think Amazon is coming back - I'll still be continuing my job hunt, though, 100%! There's a great chance that any offer given will be rescinded once I announce my Unclean-ness, so I need to keep juggling. I have two potential leads, both of which I will follow up on tomorrow. I admit, I'd be pretty surprised if some part of the ceremony tomorrow wasn't done rotely, given my emotional state. But... the outcome suggests that I will reconnect with my instinctual self, and has a spiritual dimension. You know what? I'll take it. I'll take what I can get.

Oog... I wish the drama would let up a bit, seriously. I never want a clean sweep of Hearts cards again...

(At some point, I distinctly feel that I was told/threatened that middle age would be boring. To this I say - WHEN WILL THIS PROMISE BE FULFILLED?! My aging body is READY, come on!!)

Anyway, I spent the morning writing probably too many comments telling my personal story of how little the society/my family has supported me in having a kid - definitely feelings bubbling up from within, the Jack of Hearts fish seems to be indicative of that - and then jumped from there right into the interview.

It went... fantastic. A job that I would never have dreamed could exist, it seems so good. I could go into how and why, but it would just be too painful. Because... along with its general perfection... there was pressure to be vaccinated, right off the bat. "It's not legally required, but it would help the older people in this office feel safe." Oog.

I mean... I could go on a tear here about how "the older people" are all vaccinated - and if they didn't trust the vaccination to protect them, why the hell did they get one - and how really by their own logic the one in danger is ME from THEM but whatever. It doesn't matter. Logic left the station with COVID-19 a long time ago.

Perhaps this is karma? The universe's revenge for the spell I cast with my posters last year, the one to encourage people to wear masks, thinking it would save Portland's restaurants? Now it will be my fate to do my new job, if an offer comes along (it seems likely, though there's one more round of interview) as the only one in a mask in the entire office. Well, if so... karma targets the magical practitioner like a bullet, indeed. May I learn my lesson. May I be humbled.

In short, I'm pretty unsure whether I can make any friendships or do a good job with clients as the one masked person in the office. It will be like sewing a yellow star on my clothing (though hopefully with less Kristallnacht). There does seems to be a large data entry portion to the job, and there's an option to work from home at least a few days, and so I guess I could do calls with clients from... my room. They'll mostly be global so it will be manageable. I'd rather stay home for them and be maskless, then try to swing my video calls masked for the sake of the office's perennially terrified "older people".

But of course, I will not kill my own future child (potentially) for their fear. The pure evil of what they "kindly" ask... they know not. Few of us know how brutal we really are to others. Patience and kindness is what I will do my best to summon and extend to them... as much as I can without harming myself.

It's crushing to realize that I will be doing the new, nice job in some form of the same hell I spent the last 18 months enduring. Not quite as bad, thank goodness - and I still believe that I can provide enough value to the company that neither they or I will think I'm stiffing them. But... I can see the end of this career on the horizon. The end of this life. This perfect salaried job--the one my parents always dreamed of for me--should I get it, I will probably quit after about 10 months or so, when I get too pregnant to be effective. It could even be a relief for both parties. And I will never go back.

Well on THAT note the Temperance card is pretty on point no?? The perfect job, tempered perfectly with having to perform it under the conditions of an untreated leper. Joy and sorrow. I've been up and down all day. It averages out to a boring life (WHEN WILL IT COME, I ASK YOU).

The Lovers seems to be the outcome measuring how great this job is compared to the last one that almost ripped me out of my burrow, so to speak. Or... perhaps it's doing as the Amazon egregore did, and is the card representing that entity? King of Hearts for Amazon, The Lovers for this job...

In any case, the third round of interviews isn't until Monday, so Gods willing I can take a goddamn break tomorrow. Let's see.

Me: Joker (The Fool) - Freedom, Fearlessness

Situation: 8 of Clubs REVERSED - NOT a lot of small actions to maintain stability, or repetition

Outcome: 2 of Diamonds (The High Priestess) - Juggling, Multi-tasking

Well - I'm good with this. (No Hearts, thank everything...) I'm in the mood for a day of freedom/fearlessness, I could use it. I'll be doing very targeted and unusual actions - preparing for my initiation ceremony this Saturday, I've only got two days to get a ton of tasks done. So... not repetition. And I think I'll still be right in the thick of it by the end of the day, therefore the multi-tasking. We shall see!

Guess what? I'm not taking the Amazon job after all!

I woke up once again at 4 AM in the morning feeling absolutely miserable... and I just finally thought... why? Why am I doing this?? For $1200 fucking dollars a month?!

It would be more money than that - the unemployment benefits start to phase out in September - but I ran some very interesting numbers about how much, precisely, we managed to save over the past year while I struggled through with my last miserable contract. It turns out that we saved... next to nothing at all. Most of our current savings, even, is the stimulus payments + the money we borrowed from our family. And where did that money go? To a lot of things - but most of the non-necessities are under the category of "spending on stuff to keep from falling into suicidal despair." Because that's the type of year it was. And I could not deny it... the same feelings were coming back to me, no matter what and how I kept trying to convince myself to take the job. Mike told me he supported me, my dad said he supported me, even my father-in-law said he supported me too...

So I sent an email to the recruiter just an hour or so ago, telling her that I was having too many sudden mental health issues to be confident I could perform in the role, and to send my apologies to the manager. Not a lie, even!

So - we will live more dangerously. Or will we? There are many dangers in this world... I may have dodged one of them!

Given this blog's purpose, I want to describe the spiritual part of this, not just the practical. I am doing most of the SOP now - the four elements, at least. And as I was trying to focus on them, I figured out the following spiritual truths:

Amazon really was trying to hunt me down. Their egregore or whatever really was predatory towards me, I wasn't imagining it.
The real division was inside me - inside my will. The moment I thought I might get the Amazon job, I was barely able to perform the Fire (will) part of the SOP. I recognized a few days back that it was because my will was deeply divided, and have been struggling to unite it ever since. Well... it's united now.
My mind was able to come up with many rationalizations for why it was a good idea to take the job. But it was also able to come up with many rationalizations why I shouldn't take the job. It was a neutral agent. I think all in all it performed well, I'm not mad at it.
My heart was numb the entire week, and the ritual didn't seem to be working to "clean" things out, until I finally this afternoon allowed myself to believe that I could back out of this. Upon thinking to myself my incantation for Water - "may my feelings show me what I need to know, may they come quickly and then go" I burst into tears. I really don't do this often - the last time was the moment I gave up home ownership in Portland, in mid-November 2020, at approximately 2 AM in the morning - so that much was a big deal.
In the middle of my sobs, I said aloud "We will have to be brave, won't we? And let the old life die..." It wasn't premeditated, and felt like it came from a deeper place than usual. It felt like the truth bubbled out.
The most effective banishing I have been able to do this week is in my brand-new Earth invocation, focusing on the body. In the end it was my body - my subconscious - which stepped up and made its will known here. And... I see that what the body wants, the body gets. I have a stronger "lower half" than I sometimes think.
Or do I? Is the fact that it took this long for my body to get its message through to my head, even when my head was completely divided on the matter itself, yet another sign that I am "top-heavy"?
I felt all this week as if I was wrestling a demon. I'm not entirely sure that's an exaggeration.
It was so much easier, in my heart of hearts, to convert to Druidry vs to take one step away from neoliberalism... shows you what the real religion of this country and civilization is, eh?
This feels like the better path, spiritually. And normally I wouldn't consider that aspect - I mean, before, that was barely a category. I would have called it "ethics" and most likely shrugged off my concerns in the face of specific goals. Probably. But I couldn't this time. And even though I know I'll need to go through another round of cost reductions... and that the next predator I'll need to deal with is the state, should they investigate... I am so, so, SO relieved.
Fuck Amazon.
I am going to continue on this Druid path, and become a better and more resilient person. Amen.

The Queen of Spades and her pointy, painful sword plunged right through the middle of me today again - cutting away the old, maybe even later than it should have been done. The Hermit asked of me Sacrifice Without Regret, and I gave to him my old life, and bid it farewell. The Hanged Man, I read about in the longer reference book, often represents going against the grain - he is upside-down after all - and turning down a nice plush contract at Amazon where I could work from home etc. etc. is definitely going against the mainstream. So the divination was a slam-dunk.

I thought a little bit more, actually, about that one reading from earlier in the week - the one that felt like it was about more than a single day. The Me was Amazon - nearly immersed in the waves. The Situation was "finding solace in nature or religion" - that was my Druid path. The Outcome was the Magician - "transformation" - me finally walking away from the way I'd approached the job hunt for at least the past decade, and moving towards... something new. Tarot can mean something new every time you look at them...

OK - let's do a divination, and sleep well at last tonight.

Me: 8 of Hearts (The Moon) - Subtlety, Mystery, Instinct

Situation: 10 of Hearts (Wheel of Fortune) - Plans set in motion

Outcome: Jack of Diamonds - Fascination, Wonder, Scholarship

I see... let's sketch a narrative. I reconnect with my instinct, my inner self. I make plans for the next phase of my life. And I embark on them, as the Jack/Page, with a sense of wonder and a nose for scholarship. I sure hope this is close to the truth!

Well - it has been a day. Unsurprisingly, a day which has once more gone according to the divination..!

I definitely spent most of the day being mad at the contracting company, because of HEALTH INSURANCE, which they didn't send me the whole paperwork on, and in which there was a possibility that I might end up working, effectively, for free. There were some strongly worded emails. Yes, I definitely felt like someone was pulling the wool over my eyes!!!

And... in the end, it wasn't as big an issue as I thought it was. There was no opponent. It wasn't quite a tempest in a teapot either, but... it got handled.

I think my will on this had been united - at great cost, but I think I'm finally there. I think I will be able to take the job. I've said that like three times over the last three days lol, but this is the first time I've wondered if I actually need to use the therapy tag (I will anyway, just for completionism). So... hopefully I will wake up tomorrow finally feeling refreshed... and we will go from there.

Let's do the divination for tomorrow, a day of shopping and packing to go to the beach.

Me: Queen of Spades - Strategy, Intelligence, Ambition, the pointy end

Situation: 9 of Diamonds (The Hermit) - Sacrifice Without Regret, Self-Care

Outcome: 2 of Spades (The Hanged Man) - Peace Through Self-Discipline, Freedom from Distraction

Interesting... I hope I don't get the pointy end of the sword again tomorrow :/ I would like to just employ the usual amount of strategy... please? I'll keep my fingers crossed for the self-care end of the Hermit card. And... I would take either for the Hanged Man. Let's see... and hope for a quiet day tomorrow.

The slow path to healing/re-grouping my will continues. I had the conversation previously mentioned with my husband this morning, after having woken up at 3 in the morning with an overwhelming temptation to run - somewhere, anywhere, leaving my family behind, leaving everything behind...

I knew that I wouldn't do it - I have better control of my will than that. (And, note the extremely on-point "Me" card from yesterday.) But I ran with the fantasy for a bit, to properly exorcise it from my soul. And after I limped out of bed this morning, after he took the kid to daycare (I wasn't in a state to be seen, frankly) my husband and I had the Conversation.

It went - well. I recognized, then and now, that my higher mind and the cards and the logical path all points in one direction. There's a dishonor element to working for Amazon, but I can think of ways to choke it down and make progress towards a better life despite goddamn Amazon paying my salary for now. It's my animal self which was--without a lick of exaggeration--traumatized by my last contract that is screaming and scrabbling for escape. So to make the despair and exhaustion and escape fantasies stop, I went over some extremely specific requests about how to handle my new schedule - I'll be moving my desk back in to bub's room for my office (as I can close the door for better focus there), I'll be draping the screens with silk (after turning off the machines for the evening), I will be decorating the area with posters and pictures and frankly protective signs. (I need to ask Violet what the name of her image is!) Mike is willing to drop Grayson off in the morning so that I can get started earlier, and therefore end my workday sooner. Refreshing my memory on my Japanese skills isn't such a bad thing - I found studying Japanese very relaxing for 15 years of my life, and this could be an opportunity to tap into that one last time. I'll be taking a walk every single day for an hour. And I'll be getting a gym membership, to attend a few evenings a week.

And on THAT note, hallelujah, praise the gods, the mask mandate for my state is LIFTED!! I can go into the gym without a reservation and without a mask! The cute little coffee shop that's in walking distance has put its tables out! And you can sit there - without a mask!! I have actual options to increase my mental health now!!! :D And the house is free of awful extended relatives and all cats (RIP Zoot), so it will be more possible to relax and focus in it.

So, basically, this isn't the same situation as I was in a few months ago - I have actual options to help keep myself sane. And... after we talked... Mike held me in his arms and convinced me that he's on board with our plans. That he wants this baby too, and is fine with me leaving the tech industry for good after this final contract - that he wants more than anything else for me to be happy. And then made love to me <3 Which, y'know, really works as a technique for informing the animal self how thing are! I still drove around in a bit of a haze afterwards, and went to a McMenamins as a bit of a pilgrimage (it was fine, a nice place, wish I could have had a beer) but the trend is unmistakable. I should be able to do this. I think I can. I believe I can.

It's so much fun trying to fit 6 months of healing into 6 days wheeeee YEAH. Talk about lumps of karma! :/

Anyway, back to the divination part of this - the situation card was the Queen of Spades, with an unsheathed sword. I think she represents executing a strategy that requires blood to be shed - i.e., pain. I also drew her the day I finally quit the co-working agency. It was necessary, but like executing a part of myself. Today, too, is like that.

And for the 8 of Diamonds - our friend Cory came over tonight! :) I had just enough energy left over after doing a ritual to cook him and my husband a nice dinner - they LOVED it, both of them, and it provided me some comfort to see them enjoying it like that. So - thank goodness for that.

Let's get the divination done for tomorrow, the day I have to stagger my way through the contracting agency's stupidly detailed and insulting background check. Oh - and put together my curriculum at the library, and buy the fabric for my Druid robe!

Me: 8 of Spades (Justice) REVERSED - NO Reason, Fairness

Situation: 5 of Spades REVERSED - NO disappointment, difficult opponent

Outcome: 6 of Hearts (The Lovers) - Love, Beauty, Union

Huh... I looked up common interpretations of that first card and got "feelings that someone else is being unfair, unreasonable." Well - that's going to be me finishing up the fucking background check, that's for sure! But the other cards are quite good - there won't be an opponent for the rest of the day, and the outcome looks like extreme harmony. I certainly hope so - fingers crossed.

Not too much needs to be said - it went exactly as the divination said. Amazon called at 8 AM to offer me the position. I accepted it, feeling like I just stabbed myself. I sent in the first round of paperwork and collapsed in an adrenal fatigue for several hours.

I did get up off my ass later in the day and did a ritual, filled out the form for one last week of unemployment, picked up my son from daycare and cooked dinner. So it wasn't a complete wash of a day.

I've had a bigger lump of feelings to choke down this time around compared to the last several contracts... to the point of surprising me a bit, so I've been trying to sort through them.

I have a strong feeling of having been "caught out" - of having been ruthlessly manipulated by Amazon to go back on their schedule, and not on mine. This suggests that I need to step up my game in banishing spells. At least, I think I will be adding the Earth element to the SOP a bit earlier than I'd thought - I think my Fire aspect will develop more clearly if it is balanced. Also, I fully intend to drape the screens with silk when I'm not working on them to block their energy, and will look into other protective symbols and amulets to keep around me, both physically and digitally...

I don't want to lose the progress towards a different life that I began this year - a more balanced, cheaper, higher-skilled, and less wasteful lifestyle. I think, though, that if I continue to pursue the First Degree in AODA in a structured manner, that I can keep the progress I've made, and keep it up, even if it isn't as fast. This might be optimistic, but - maybe having more structure in my day overall will even help it along. I'll roll with what the cards have told me - it's as good a plan as anything else in this crazy-ass world right now.

It has to be admitted here, as I have observed his contrastingly ebullient mood these past few days, that my husband is infinitely more relaxed when I am also working, even when we have enough money for me not to. And normally, I wouldn't begrudge him that - I mean, I prefer to work! I prefer to be doing something useful and helping other people. Sitting around on my ass is basically what I did this past year while incongruously also earning money. Gods willing, never again. And enough money to have options is a fantastic thing, no question. And I am healed (at least enough anyway) from the dungeon tortures of the last position, and have taken the opportunity to vigorously strap an oxygen mask on my face to face the rest of the age with.

But... I really, really don't want to be raising an infant and a toddler full-time about a year from now while also dealing with his anxiety. I need to find some (nice, sensitive, polite!) way to talk to him about raising his courage and emotionally accepting that there are times when one of us has to carry the other, without a clear timeline or any promise of anything waiting at the end, and we need to both be OK with that. (Especially since I carried him financially, and our whole family, for a straight year, through a pandemic, with a job that nearly gave me a mental illness. Honest feeling here - come on!) In short... I'm going to have to ask him to work through his financial anxiety. Whee. What fun.

It can only help to have a serious chonk of cash in the bank to point at in this conversation - and though we have the most savings we've EVER had (though not a fraction of enough to buy a house lololol America is dying :D), I plan to nearly double it with this contract. But the amount of money isn't the root of the problem, so it's only a stop-gap to do so. Mike wants safety, desperately, no matter how much he claims otherwise when I ask him. I love this man, he's a wonderful father and partner and lover, and if this is the worst issue of our relationship I am fucking blessed. But in this ridiculous era of collapsing everything, safety is the one thing I can never, ever, ever give him - no matter what I do, no matter what I choose, and no matter what I sacrifice. I need him to sit with that, and I need him to be OKAY with that. Period. We're going to need to have a Conversation about that... not immediately, but before the baby is conceived would be better.

At the same time, now that I think about it, once the baby is born - though that will be the tightest, most challenging time for us as a family - I have no more ambitions, at least in the "expand the family" category. I'm not going to have another one, unless there's a big surprise. In that way, things will get a lot easier.

Housing ownership is dead, so that's a whole mortgage we're not going to have to deal with, which is another huge relief. I expect public housing to be the going thing by the time we are old, because I literally don't see what other options the country has at this point - if that isn't what happens, it'll be an RV retirement I suppose. Heck, maybe we can park ours in a circle with others in a field somewhere, garden behind it, and form a village that way? :)

And I am done, I mean I am DONE, with paying money to "keep up with the Joneses." I will expect my children to be educated--by which I mean reading/writing/rithmetik--and if we can't find or afford a school that can get that done, I will teach them myself. College had better prove, PROVE, that it is value for the money spent. Whether they go or not, after that, it will be up to them. If I can't demonstrate to them successfully the value of clear thinking and being able to research things, then they'll learn things the hard way.

So aside from this baby, whose life I will never compromise on, I've stepped back from most of the overwhelming costs of an American life - add to this my project to learn how to cook and garden, the likelihood of white-collar jobs being remote for a few years yet (save on transit costs), no longer being young and cute and thus not having to "perform" femininity at expense, my new faith giving me some options to join a religious community, and my extreme disillusionment with politics also opening up new paths to community as well. And for at least the next 30 years or so, I'm pretty sure we'll have free housing at the snap of a finger with our parents, as a fall-back. I hate the locations, but I have managed to swallow my hatred before, and I could do it again.

In short, I will stop poking my poor husband quite as hard on this soon enough. We'll soon stop adding burdens to our lives, and after a hectic next few years, should actually be able to start winding them down. Maybe if I put it that way... it might help.

Anyway, I'd better get on with the divination, so that I can go to bed. Absolutely exhausting day.

Me: Ace of Clubs (Strength) - Overcoming Desire, Building Trust, Courage

Situation: Queen of Spades - Strategy, Intelligence, Ambition

Outcome: 8 of Diamonds - Comfort achieved through hard work and persistence

My cards are still trying to comfort me... I appreciate it. The narrative here, is that I will be strong, I will overcome my desire to run away to the hills from the situation I got myself into, and I will have courage for the future. The Queen of Swords has a naked blade - I'll spend some time strategizing without mercy to myself or others tomorrow. And at the end of it, if I work hard, I will feel much better than I do right now. Fingers crossed all of that is true.

A long day... sigh.

I definitely was the Chariot card, no question - strategizing the heck out of my near future. Still trying to, in a way. The Celebration card seems to have been more about my dad than me - he went off to see an old friend for the first time in a long time, at a baseball game, and was in a really cheerful mood. The Empress... well... I did water the garden, and I got my tarot cards the silk binding I've been promising them for a long time. Perhaps that has something to do with impregnating?

I'll probably get offered a job at Amazon tomorrow.

I've got a lot of feelings about it, mostly all expressed to my husband. He did say something interesting in response: that he was glad I was talking about these feelings AHEAD of time, instead of waiting until they caused issues. Which... usually I am pretty forward with my feelings... but now that he mentions it, not about work so much! So I guess this is a step forward.

What's so hard about Amazon, is that it feels like such a step back. But the moment I said yes to the interview - and though I did so of my own free will, and I take responsibility for that - I was caught in the trap. It really does feel like Amazon hunted me down, and dug me out of my burrow, and is ready and eager, nay salivating, to devour my life energy. When will this fucking cancer cell of a company go bankrupt already??? Ugh, not until the entire economy of the USA swirls decisively down the toilet, I know that much. Amazon won't die until its host does, and hell, perhaps not even then, they've got their tendrils in so many places...

The job will not only involve me spending 8+ hours a day in front of screens again, but looking closely at the amazon.com interface (I quit Prime years ago, and haven't even opened the website since March 2020), in Japanese (a language I don't really use much anymore). Hey, it's like my old life has returned! Yay, "normalcy"! No, fuck normalcy. Fuck my old life and fuck the society that thinks it was fine. Fuck working in that human furnace, watching people break around me like so much overheated glass. Fuck their hideous architecture and fuck the spiral of cost inflation they kicked off there, that kicked us out from a region that had become our home, that swallowed up all my friends and scattered them to the four winds. Fuck their vigorous and unashamed raping of the entire Earth. Fuck Amazon.

I hate myself a bit for assenting to this, frankly. And that divided will - the part of me that is saying "go ahead, this is not the worst outcome, your family needs the money" versus the part that is like "this company needs to die, how dare you do anything that helps it not to die, do you want to burn in hell" is what's causing the current round of angst. And back pain. My upper back is where the psychosomatic stuff hangs out.

But I consented, and so to hell I must go. So... I have to come to terms with it somehow.

I got myself through Amazon before, by hoping for something better on the other side of it, generally in a financial sense. I got the first contract to pay off the last of my student loans. The second one, I needed money to move in with Mike. The third, I needed to escape a worse previous job, and to pay for the marriage and honeymoon. The fourth, to save up money to move to Portland. But this will (probably) be the fifth. And what, specifically, am I doing it for?

*deep breaths* So that I can get pregnant and quit working at all for the next year, minimum. Gods willing, this will be the last sacrifice necessary to bring my second child into this world. (Oh - and that's the Empress card explained, too.)

I don't mind the working part of it - not really. It won't be pleasant, remote work is a spiritual and social nightmare, but knowing that there's a firm endpoint will help a lot. The type of person who works for Amazon is more social and cheerful than average, and I should get along pretty well with them, even though I'm going to have to choke down constantly noticing how mentally ill they all are (or are shortly going to be). I'm going to buy huge bolts of silk to hang over the screens for the hours I'm not working, to shield me from Amazon's egregore at least part of the time. I should be able to keep myself in decent health - knock on wood anyway - by getting a gym membership, which I'd been putting off due to cost. I need to be lifting at least twice a week, if I'm going to head into pregnancy in a state of proper health. I should be able to keep cooking, gardening, and saving - not having a commute is good for that, at least. I should be able to avoid vaccine pressure, too.

...I'll keep working on coming to terms with it. I'm too exhausted to rack my brain any more tonight.

Divination...

Me: King of Hearts - ok Amazon for fuck's sake I get it

Situation: King of Diamonds - Happiness found in Nature or Spirituality

Outcome: King of Clubs (The Magician) Skill, Transformation

...I had to walk around for a few minutes after this one.

First thought: OK, yeah, my cards are very happy with the silk wrap. They're literally talking to me right now. Like... as directly as they could without speaking in voices in my head.

Second third: My cards see me as male. That's not too surprising, all things considered. Each of these cards represents me.

Third thought: "You will get the Amazon job. Take solace in your spiritual practice. This will be an opportunity for you to increase your skills and transform yourself."

Fourth thought: I'll get the Amazon job, then spend the rest of the day outdoors, perhaps at a McMenamins. I will transform into an employed person.

If this doesn't happen... I will have dodged a bullet. But - I am 99% sure it will. So... onward, into the breach.

In the spirit of the Death card I drew yesterday, I have a few more thoughts about vaccines.

I've been saying to myself for the past month: "I refuse to stop having a nuanced opinion!" And so I do. I want to clarify a few things to myself about my position (and also to all the NSA bots which the word 'vaccine' has summoned. Hello NSA bots!).

I am not afraid of blood clots, spike proteins, etc. I don't LIKE the possibility, but I don't fear it any more than COVID. If it was just a matter of my own health I would probably have gotten the vaccine by now, to be honest. It would be a choice that could bring me closer to my family, share with them the sacrifice/gamble, and bind our fates together. Also - I remain open to evidence. And I will hold myself to my stated timeline. If I look around in 2022, after my child is born, and note that no serious reproductive or other problems have been reported in Israel or elsewhere, I'll probably go ahead and get it. (I'd prefer an inactivated virus vaccine over mRNA for philosophical reasons though - I really, really do not like being a first adapter, for a lot of reasons, including those of personality.)

And it must be said: of all the dark things the Pandora's box of this vaccine may potentially unleash on the world, one of the most likely is that the virus will be stimulated to mutate in a way that makes it more and more dangerous to the unvaccinated as time goes by, while the vaccinated get by OK. If there's actual clear evidence (not completely unbelievable CDC bleatings) that this is starting to happen, I am not going to die on that hill - I will get vaccinated, and get the children vaccinated too. Of course I will do so with the bitter knowledge that my country is as fundamentally evil as Hitler's Germany. The amount of deaths this outcome would precipitate in countries that can't afford pricey deep-chilled mRNA vaccines staggers the mind. All for Pfizer's profits, my pretties, and what's the problem with that?!

But... believing one's country is truly Good as opposed to The Only Choice Circumstances Permit is a luxury in this age, as in truth, it is in every age. Most countries do a better job of convincing their citizens than America is managing right now, but that doesn't change the underlying truth. If this country gets itself into an unbelievably stupid hot war with China - as our current elites actually seem to want to do (??!!??!!!!!) - I will put on my Rosie the Riveter headband and work 12 hours a day for the war effort, just like everyone else. Because if we should lose that war... China will appropriate every piece of fertile land on the West Coast as the spoils, and most of us useless eaters will be lined up next to a shallow trench and dropped into it with one bullet per. Skilled farmers willing to work as serfs/slaves and the most craven of collaborators would be the only ones likely to remain here and stay alive, and I don't think me or my family will fall into either category. A desperate reverse Oregon Trail with even more dysentery and starvation than the original would be our best chance to survive, should we lose that war. This era isn't going to allow any of us such a luxury as "pacifism". So all you NSA bots need not worry about my loyalty, or my patriotism. I'll lick all y 'all's boots with the best of them--right up until the moment when our lack of a real manufacturing economy or a population not healthy enough to fight or our fragile and supply-chain-dependent industrial agriculture or the over-technicalization of our basic functions of societal life (so very hackable, wow!) or the disastrous oil-guzzling nature of our built environment knee-capping our every action decisively tips the balance of the war out of our favor. I'll wait until THEN to run for my goddamn life. Pinky promise!

And people say I throw dark! Well... I do. But none of the events of the last paragraph are impossible per a study of history - they might even be likely. It's truly a blessing that none of us can know the hour/see the future. But I find that I am stronger for looking directly into the darkness, and accepting in advance the sacrifices and moral compromises I may have to make, for the survival of myself and my family. To burn my ethics down to their smoking cores, and be able to recognize exactly which hill I will finally choose to die on.

I had a realization a month or so back, which I've been turning over and over in my mind ever since. I realized that I am the type of person who could (not would.. a very different thing) have hidden Jews in my house in Nazi Germany. Who could have housed escaped slaves in my basement. Who could have done something extremely personally dangerous, which if widely discovered could result in my destruction, and which none of my neighbors would accept or understand, for the sake of an ethical principle alone. I could do this. In the smallest and most ridiculous possible way, refusing the vaccine in my social situation proves the concept. I'm the only person I know intimately who could.

And this realization isn't wonderful - it's horrible. Because I see clearly now, through all this comparably small and silly vaccination pressure, how easily and eagerly humans fold and form themselves to the ethics of the moment, as opposed to the permanent ethics of something Higher. I see the logic of their actions, too, in a way I never could when I was a coddled teenager reading books for hours on end about Big Historical Events. I see now what the writers of WWII were desperately trying to get across to future generations with their pens - that the more morality COUNTS, the more it HURTS. And it can easily - and in fact usually does - end with the person bravely choosing 'simple' morality hanged from a tree by committee, or dragged behind a car, or their families and good name permanently destroyed in front of their eyes. Sometimes all of the above. Most will choose compromise and survival, and perform whatever mental gymnastics are necessary to live with themselves after. History is absolutely unambiguous about that. And I will almost certainly compromise as well - especially if my family's safety is on the line. Martyrdom is not a responsible choice! But... I see too clearly for my own good, I think. I will know. I will always know what deal I struck. What path I chose my life to go down. And I will have to live with it for the rest of my life... and eat the karma for the rest of the existence of my soul.

And on that note... my dad is calling me to do something in the garden. So I will. For all the horrors the future may hold... they aren't here yet. Today, I will dig up some dirt in the rain. And be very, very grateful.

Edited: a few words

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sh1njuk1

May 2022

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Sadder post than I'd hoped...

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