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Daily div.
Yep, I did fit one very common stereotype of pregnancy today - I spent a large chunk of it very, very emotional. Now I've been rather emotional for weeks, but what I felt today was... a deep sadness, the sort that makes tears well up in your eyes as you're doing data entry at work (not that common of an emotion for me usually!). It was different from the waves of anger, numbness, and grief that have been hitting me lately - it gave me, at least as of this moment, some catharsis. I can admit to myself - I'm very sad about what's happened between me and my dad. It's rocked one of the foundational assumptions of my childhood and young adulthood.
I have my children because of reasons that go beyond reason and logic and don't regret that in the slightest, but at this point, all reasonable and logical reasons to have had them are gone. Both of my parents - 100% of my DNA - are depressingly not even up to their own standards. (Meritocracy therefore proclaims even my blood to be insufficient. I've... mostly worked through that.) Having grandchildren didn't make them go above and beyond themselves - in fact just the opposite. I assumed that in a tough spot, they might not be there for me per se (I always knew better), but that grandchildren would bring out the best in them. This... was a naïve assumption. Times are hard, as hard as they've ever been, and they've both dropped us all cold to enjoy a new boyfriend (in my mom's case) and self-righteous isolation (in my dad's case). I like and prefer working a job, generally, but I'd dreamed that I could take things a bit easier this pregnancy. Nope - I'm working my ass off every day through waves of exhaustion and (so far) light nausea, and haven't even had time to look around for a physician. Assuming everything goes well, I'll have a measly 3 months off, and then right back to it - it's necessary to pay our high rent. I want to breastfeed for the first year, but the logistics of that make me want to cry (more). I'm just assuming that we'll have to bite the bullet and become True Americans(tm) by getting into credit card debt (to hire a nanny that brings the baby to me at the office 2 or 3 times a day - not even sure that will work, but that's all I've come up with so far...).
And all this means that... I'm just going through what every working class mother in this brutal country has endured for years. That's something I can accept, for karmic purposes. But that I'm going through this in part because my own parents threw me to the wolves, when they had swore since I was a little child that they would do the opposite... is difficult. I'm very sad. My inner child is crying, a lot. It thought it was loved and valued more than this. I know what I have to do and I will do it (direct deposit cleared today; I just have to pay the last utility bill for my dad's place and then I can properly sever relations). But I didn't want to live in a world where my dreams of family uniting together to help raise the next generation were just so much rose-colored bunkum. Where the lesson I have to take away from this is never to trust a family member farther than I can throw them, and that any relationship I choose to maintain will have to continue only under conditions of vigorous boundary maintenance. Where I can never, ever relax again with the people who were once my sanctuary. Because my childhood home and family are as gone from this world as if they'd all been burned up in a fire, or drowned under a thousand feet of water.
But... at least after feeling this deep grief, I felt... calmer than I have for a while. I finally worked my way down to something fundamental. That's definitely a relief.
I think the Celebration card is still my feelings (and ESPECIALLY my husband's feelings) about this new apartment - he is THRILLED, in the best mood he's been in in AGES. And... I can piggyback on that a bit, at least.
The Outcome card - I did much better at work today. I even fixed the water dispenser! So that makes me the creative woman, little one on board, after all ;)
Let's divinate and get the big kid to bed...
Me: Jack of Clubs - curious, inquisitive, young
Situation: 5 of Clubs (The Devil) REVERSED - "the answer will come from confronting your fears and consulting your moral compass"
Outcome: 2 of Clubs REVERSED - "situation will lead to an exciting conclusion, jump in with both feet!"
The first two make sense... the last one, eep! I don't know if I have the energy! We'll see.
I have my children because of reasons that go beyond reason and logic and don't regret that in the slightest, but at this point, all reasonable and logical reasons to have had them are gone. Both of my parents - 100% of my DNA - are depressingly not even up to their own standards. (Meritocracy therefore proclaims even my blood to be insufficient. I've... mostly worked through that.) Having grandchildren didn't make them go above and beyond themselves - in fact just the opposite. I assumed that in a tough spot, they might not be there for me per se (I always knew better), but that grandchildren would bring out the best in them. This... was a naïve assumption. Times are hard, as hard as they've ever been, and they've both dropped us all cold to enjoy a new boyfriend (in my mom's case) and self-righteous isolation (in my dad's case). I like and prefer working a job, generally, but I'd dreamed that I could take things a bit easier this pregnancy. Nope - I'm working my ass off every day through waves of exhaustion and (so far) light nausea, and haven't even had time to look around for a physician. Assuming everything goes well, I'll have a measly 3 months off, and then right back to it - it's necessary to pay our high rent. I want to breastfeed for the first year, but the logistics of that make me want to cry (more). I'm just assuming that we'll have to bite the bullet and become True Americans(tm) by getting into credit card debt (to hire a nanny that brings the baby to me at the office 2 or 3 times a day - not even sure that will work, but that's all I've come up with so far...).
And all this means that... I'm just going through what every working class mother in this brutal country has endured for years. That's something I can accept, for karmic purposes. But that I'm going through this in part because my own parents threw me to the wolves, when they had swore since I was a little child that they would do the opposite... is difficult. I'm very sad. My inner child is crying, a lot. It thought it was loved and valued more than this. I know what I have to do and I will do it (direct deposit cleared today; I just have to pay the last utility bill for my dad's place and then I can properly sever relations). But I didn't want to live in a world where my dreams of family uniting together to help raise the next generation were just so much rose-colored bunkum. Where the lesson I have to take away from this is never to trust a family member farther than I can throw them, and that any relationship I choose to maintain will have to continue only under conditions of vigorous boundary maintenance. Where I can never, ever relax again with the people who were once my sanctuary. Because my childhood home and family are as gone from this world as if they'd all been burned up in a fire, or drowned under a thousand feet of water.
But... at least after feeling this deep grief, I felt... calmer than I have for a while. I finally worked my way down to something fundamental. That's definitely a relief.
I think the Celebration card is still my feelings (and ESPECIALLY my husband's feelings) about this new apartment - he is THRILLED, in the best mood he's been in in AGES. And... I can piggyback on that a bit, at least.
The Outcome card - I did much better at work today. I even fixed the water dispenser! So that makes me the creative woman, little one on board, after all ;)
Let's divinate and get the big kid to bed...
Me: Jack of Clubs - curious, inquisitive, young
Situation: 5 of Clubs (The Devil) REVERSED - "the answer will come from confronting your fears and consulting your moral compass"
Outcome: 2 of Clubs REVERSED - "situation will lead to an exciting conclusion, jump in with both feet!"
The first two make sense... the last one, eep! I don't know if I have the energy! We'll see.
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I pumped with my first kid, but it's not much of an exaggeration to say that it cost me my job. The room was so far away, I took a whole hour walking there and back (Starbucks headquarters, largest office building in the country). In the current place, there's nowhere private enough. Also, pumping sucks (lol).
The best outcome I can think of is that I get to work from home, and a nanny stays at our place and brings me the baby whenever it's hungry. But... we'll see. Many months away, and a lot could happen between now and then. Wish me luck in finding an obstetrician who will support me in trying for a VBAC, if you've got more wishes to spare... and thank you, again.
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