sh1njuk1 | Entries tagged with 2 of clubs

Yep, I did fit one very common stereotype of pregnancy today - I spent a large chunk of it very, very emotional. Now I've been rather emotional for weeks, but what I felt today was... a deep sadness, the sort that makes tears well up in your eyes as you're doing data entry at work (not that common of an emotion for me usually!). It was different from the waves of anger, numbness, and grief that have been hitting me lately - it gave me, at least as of this moment, some catharsis. I can admit to myself - I'm very sad about what's happened between me and my dad. It's rocked one of the foundational assumptions of my childhood and young adulthood.

I have my children because of reasons that go beyond reason and logic and don't regret that in the slightest, but at this point, all reasonable and logical reasons to have had them are gone. Both of my parents - 100% of my DNA - are depressingly not even up to their own standards. (Meritocracy therefore proclaims even my blood to be insufficient. I've... mostly worked through that.) Having grandchildren didn't make them go above and beyond themselves - in fact just the opposite. I assumed that in a tough spot, they might not be there for me per se (I always knew better), but that grandchildren would bring out the best in them. This... was a naïve assumption. Times are hard, as hard as they've ever been, and they've both dropped us all cold to enjoy a new boyfriend (in my mom's case) and self-righteous isolation (in my dad's case). I like and prefer working a job, generally, but I'd dreamed that I could take things a bit easier this pregnancy. Nope - I'm working my ass off every day through waves of exhaustion and (so far) light nausea, and haven't even had time to look around for a physician. Assuming everything goes well, I'll have a measly 3 months off, and then right back to it - it's necessary to pay our high rent. I want to breastfeed for the first year, but the logistics of that make me want to cry (more). I'm just assuming that we'll have to bite the bullet and become True Americans(tm) by getting into credit card debt (to hire a nanny that brings the baby to me at the office 2 or 3 times a day - not even sure that will work, but that's all I've come up with so far...).

And all this means that... I'm just going through what every working class mother in this brutal country has endured for years. That's something I can accept, for karmic purposes. But that I'm going through this in part because my own parents threw me to the wolves, when they had swore since I was a little child that they would do the opposite... is difficult. I'm very sad. My inner child is crying, a lot. It thought it was loved and valued more than this. I know what I have to do and I will do it (direct deposit cleared today; I just have to pay the last utility bill for my dad's place and then I can properly sever relations). But I didn't want to live in a world where my dreams of family uniting together to help raise the next generation were just so much rose-colored bunkum. Where the lesson I have to take away from this is never to trust a family member farther than I can throw them, and that any relationship I choose to maintain will have to continue only under conditions of vigorous boundary maintenance. Where I can never, ever relax again with the people who were once my sanctuary. Because my childhood home and family are as gone from this world as if they'd all been burned up in a fire, or drowned under a thousand feet of water.

But... at least after feeling this deep grief, I felt... calmer than I have for a while. I finally worked my way down to something fundamental. That's definitely a relief.

I think the Celebration card is still my feelings (and ESPECIALLY my husband's feelings) about this new apartment - he is THRILLED, in the best mood he's been in in AGES. And... I can piggyback on that a bit, at least.

The Outcome card - I did much better at work today. I even fixed the water dispenser! So that makes me the creative woman, little one on board, after all ;)

Let's divinate and get the big kid to bed...

Me: Jack of Clubs - curious, inquisitive, young

Situation: 5 of Clubs (The Devil) REVERSED - "the answer will come from confronting your fears and consulting your moral compass"

Outcome: 2 of Clubs REVERSED - "situation will lead to an exciting conclusion, jump in with both feet!"

The first two make sense... the last one, eep! I don't know if I have the energy! We'll see.

Catching up, as I was up past midnight last night talking to a friend and then doing an SOP very late.

Me card: Oh, I was the Jack of Spades in every way yesterday. No doubt. I stepped very... very... carefully.

Situation: I was surprised and touched by how both my husband and father jumped in to help me gather and deliver plums yesterday! :) So far, two very happy "customers" have resulted. I will be taking a spiritual break after this post by going outside and picking more - I've got two more deliveries lined up!

Outcome: Well, there were two "conversations" last night.

First, my mother-in-law announced - through my poor husband - that she would not permit an unvaccinated person to live in her house. So this is a retraction of the promise that she would help us with the baby when it is born. I... am not really surprised. And I don't think it is outside her rights - in fact, I'm kind of proud of her for setting boundaries! The last "kids" she had living in her house absolutely trashed it, in a frankly unforgivable way. Per her view I suppose I would be doing the same.

And... you know what, in a lot of ways, it's a relief. I truly, utterly hate my mother-in-law's house. It's in a wretched location, unwalkable and close to nothing. It always had a serious amount of bad juju, even when I lived there years ago. And now that she's tried to get rid of it with a comprehensive remodel... it's actually worse!! She went full HGTV, knocked down all the walls, and now all the fancy new appliances ALREADY have things that don't work on them (it hasn't even been a year!) and you can hear every sound made from every room. There's no privacy - it's a hellish hall of sound mirrors. And of course... she has an Alexa. Right in the middle of the open floor plan, in absolute pride of place.

I'll just confess here that, despite my mother-in-law's official status as a Wiccan priestess, that I often wonder if she does any spiritual practice at all. Her lifestyle does not reflect the influence, let's just say. This relieving drawing-of-boundaries allows me to admit, that her house - and her life - is demon-haunted. Thank the gods my baby will not have to spend its most vulnerable years in there! I guess she invited them in at some point, and just can't bear to see them go. Maybe she would become too alone...? Her husband has started to spend every weekday, Monday-Friday, out working on their friend's property in the countryside, and not returning to the home at night (too far to drive, of course). That, to me, suggests everything about what condition that house has descended to.

I will try to write that email today, if I can. I need to get my poor husband out from between the two of us. He has thrown in with me, so to speak, and bless him for it - but his mother continuing to pass messages through him is unacceptable, and frankly unbecoming of an adult.

And then, I chatted with Ericka.

First, a cheerful note: my "I do not disclose my status" policy worked GREAT with Ericka. She just assumed I was vaccinated and continued on to talk about what she wanted to talk about. That's a good sign for future social contacts!

Then, well, there's the rest of it. Ericka has completely rearranged her life around the current mainstream narrative, and is the abject servant of fear. She works entirely from home, wears a mask outdoors everywhere, is in high dudgeon about people going to parties and eating at restaurants, is dumping friends when she sees them on Facebook in pictures without masks, has gone completely xenophobic (by her own admission!) over European tourists visiting without masks, and is even frightened, yes frightened, of children! She told me, in her way of joking yet not really joking, "When are they going to make the vaccines work for 5-year-olds already? So they can stop threatening me!"

I said again and again to her, "Do whatever you feel you must, these are frightening times." And... I meant that. But I sit and think back on our conversation now with a lingering sadness. That's the main feeling I have about COVID everything right now - sadness. Deep and abiding sadness.

This isn't so much of a disappointment as an "ah, of course" but when Ericka reached out to me by text to chat, I'd wondered if she wanted to genuinely check in with me and revive our friendship. That was not the case. She just wanted to rant and rave about the unvaccinated and hear an echo chamber about how everything she had chosen to do this last year was Good and Right and Better and how her fear was the only thing keeping her safe.

At one point in the conversation she told me she was convinced she had already had COVID back in April 2020, and despite the fact that it caused her no serious health problems at the time, and she admitted that scientifically she has a good chance of having even less of a reaction should she catch it again, her main emotional reaction while telling me this was RAGE at all the people in her local Target who were still unmasked - this was back before mask mandates!! - who had GIVEN her the disease. Of course she is also vaccinated. Ericka could not possibly be safer from COVID-19 and its variants, not in any universe which operates on the laws of physics. And it has driven her absolutely, positively insane.

Obviously under these conditions there is nothing remaining that can be called a "friendship". I am relieved, now, that she betrayed me so utterly as an editor. It allowed me to work through the end of our friendship, and my emotions associated with it, long before it actually came. A harsh blessing - but many blessings are harsh.

There was no time, obviously, to discuss my spiritual development in edgewise. But this opens up a possibility to how I can "end" this.

I'm going to write her an email (which is faster) and let her know that from here on out, I do not want to discuss national politics in any way whatsoever. I can't affect them as an individual, and it really just feels like talking about the boulder rolling rapidly down the chute towards us while we're all strapped to a board. I will tell her that I converted to Druidry, and that my focus in life right now is on spirituality and making my family more resilient. And that if she wants to talk about that, she's welcome to reach out anytime. But if she's not interested, I'll never bug her any further.

I think that will be the last communication between us.

I like that, because it is both me drawing my boundaries with a bright line, and also being utterly respectful of her. She's going through one hell of a chunk of karma. A lifetime of cowardice and keeping people at arm's length, rewarded with isolation in a prison of pure fear. Gods bless her, and help her somehow through the suffering she has chosen. But I must affix my own oxygen mask. So... onward.

After all that... I could use a divination. These times be crazy yo.

Me: Ace of Hearts REVERSED - no emotional/spiritual/creative flow

Situation: 6 of Diamonds REVERSED - no community actions, or harmony, or cooperation

Outcome: Ace of Clubs (Strength) - Courage

Well, this is... clear enough of a reading. I can tell that I am holding my emotions strictly in check, that's the way it has to be right now. I won't be cooperating with others nor they with me (in fact I think it will be the opposite). But the outcome will be courage and strength. So be it, amen.

Sigh... I almost forgot to eat dinner tonight. Remedying now. Husband bringing me food too, I won the jackpot.

Me: I plugged away and got "everything done that scared me", as I told my husband. Also, I did some pretty intense spiritual thinking. It wasn't my "best self" per se (I got pretty cranky with my toddler at bedtime when he wouldn't stop kicking me!), but I did OK. I'll take it.

Situation: "Excess" - yes, that was right. I didn't even GET to the plums. I spent the AM going back and forth politely but firmly with the HR person about just sending out the damn reference surveys, and not harassing anyone who hadn't personally replied to me saying they were OK with receiving them. They're sent! Probably that's the end of it. Oh, and I had to go to the Fed-Ex and literally print out two pieces of paper, sign them, and email them. SO MUCH FOR TECHNOLOGY. I took a 2 hour walk in the middle of the day because I haven't been getting enough exercise, and I'm trying to be nicer to my body, you know? Then I finally sent out the capstone email for last weekend's meeting, and then followed up with the Druid priest. I don't know whether I ever want to receive replies to either of those last two emails, but for my own integrity, I had to send them. I was so exhausted at one point that I started trembling. And I forgot to eat dinner! ^^; Lemme tell ya, during the SOP (last thing tonight), my body was QUITE annoyed with me...

Outcome: I kicked off any number of plans today. First, I finally got over the hump (I think) on the final piece that caused me any concern whatsoever about getting this job. Everything else should be boilerplate. Should. Just knocked on wood. I might also have continued the Ecosophia meetup in my region beyond a flash in the pan. I might also have set up another Druid initiation in October. I think that's it. Or maybe I'm just really tired.

Let's divinate and go to bed.

Me: Jack of Spades - Caution, Potential

Situation: 3 of Diamonds - Craftsmanship, Successful Collaboration, Admiration

Outcome: 2 of Clubs - Debate, A Passionate Conversation

Oog... should I even be surprised any more when the cards directly reference my plans? Easy potential narrative tomorrow: I am cautious about my plans for both plum delivery and talking to my old friend Ericka, she of the ultimate science bent, but there's enough possibility for good to be done out of both of them that I will go forward. Successful collaboration will happen as I manage to deliver some plums to people (or set them out to be picked up). And... at 8:30 PM in the evening, Ericka and I will have a "Debate, Passionate Conversation." Fun!

For what it's worth - not to get too far into 'writing is my only therapy' territory - last year, I considered Ericka my very best friend I'd ever had. We talked for hours at least once a week, and she had promised to edit my first finished short story. Then... she responded coolly when I called her in a burst of emotion (rare for me) my best friend, and I was a little bit hurt but accepted it wasn't mutual and never brought it up again. Next, she failed to even respond when I sent her my first ever finished rough draft (of a personal project not for school), after no fewer than 100 hours of work with that goal in mind. This was a real betrayal, and I struggled with it on many dark nights, but I finally choked down my anger and got another editor for the rewrite (one major one completed; the project still in limbo, however). Finally, I texted her to ask if she wanted a call three times in a row last March, and she did not respond to a single one. I actually got a divination done by another Dreamwidth user to see whether I should reach out again - I was told I should not. So I let it go. And as I realized that I might become some variety of "vaccine refuser", I became grateful that we'd ended our regular contact.

Now that I've been gone long enough to be missed... it seems she wants to talk again. Well! I know enough about how she treats her men (she is very, very single in her mid-40s) to see a bit of what's going on here. At the same time, she is smart (in a particular sort of way - I know her well enough to see her glaring blind spots, though no doubt she thinks the same in the other direction) and fun to talk to. I'd like to catch up on how her family is doing. I'm honestly not sure whether we will ever see each other again, or if this might be our last-ever conversation. I'll be the Jack - cautious, with cards held close to my chest - but holding the door open for some sort of potential. We don't need to be best friends... I recognized upon much thought that it would be too painful to her to have such a close relationship with me, for a lot of personal baggage reasons. But it would be nice to keep her as a sometimes-friend, when the weather is sunny.

It's possible I won't be able to make a divination post on time tomorrow, given the scheduling. We'll see.

Overall a much quieter day, at least internally... thank god.

I felt much more optimistic, lighter and more able to go out and do things overall today. That would be the Me card, of course. I may even have done too many things!

The reversed Tower card, too, seems uncannily accurate... as I ran into a farcical buzzsaw trying to pee into a cup today. I dropped in late in the day to see if I could just get it done and found out that I needed an appointment on the Internet, and then when I went home to make one, discovered that there are no appointments available until after the period that HR has granted me.

I actually find this, you know, really funny?? I've descended into some version of petty bureaucratic hell... lol! I'm pretty confident that between the HR representative and her powers, and calling the office as soon as they open tomorrow to explain the situation, we can figure this out. It would be the height of irony if THIS, after EVERYTHING else, was the reason I didn't get the job! HA HA HA! OMG it would actually be so hilarious, it would almost be worth it. ALMOST.

Today, for the first time, I considered writing a black comedy piece about this era we're currently living through, and if I ever do, this stupid piss-in-a-cup episode will be included.

And then the Outcome card - Mike came to me to admit he had been feeling stressed more than usual lately, and that turned into a Very Serious Conversation where I laid out in a more organized fashion my Schrödinger's vaccine policy, and how I was going to roll it out, specifically. Specifically... how I was going to roll it out to his mother.

As the card suggested, it was not really much of a discussion. I explained calmly and with great detail what my plan was, and he nodded along. The closest to resistance was him confiding that he was frightened about how she was going to respond. (He has never once before had to counter his mother at any point over his 38 years. As I remarked after we were done, our mid-life crises continue apace!) I told him that he would of course read any email before I sent it, that my goal would not be to pick a fight but to remove the source of any fight, and finally at one point, that I had done everything I could not to interrupt their relationship any further than it had been, and that the rest of the matter, they'd have to sort out between them. So, uh... not a discussion. I really felt the strain, of trying both to respect his feelings, but also to respect my own shining line in the sand. I think we got there. I don't want to be up too much later - I'd really like us to spend time together as a couple tonight.

So let's divinate!

Me: Queen of Clubs - creative, optimistic, holding a little one

Situation: 8 of Diamonds REVERSED - "someone slacking off or accepting that he/she will never achieve some goal"

Outcome: 2 of Diamonds (The High Priestess) REVERSED - enigmas upon enigmas upon enigmas, or, some previously hidden feature will influence the outcome

A mixed reading... no time to speculate tonight. To bed!

I was slumping along today until I made an impromptu decision to eat half a block of cheese (a European-sized block, to be clear!). Now I feel almost normal! Yay for cheese! :)

(But the cheese rescue didn't come early enough to finish this post... catching up now!)

Yesterday's divination was interestingly diverse... I wondered how the heck the celebration card and the Queen of Spades were going to get along... and the answer was, "awkwardly". I think I was celebrating - all of my references got back to me, and I've got almost all of the onboarding paperwork done - just gotta piss in a cup in some dingy office, and we're golden. I don't even do drugs (even alcohol is difficult to binge on for me) so it seems like I'm about to embark on the next phase of my life! :) I don't currently feel deep existential dread, either... and now that I write those words... perhaps I am celebrating THAT more than anything else.

And... as usual...the Queen of Spades promised pain, and delivered. While filling out reference information today, even though I had the required minimum, the software wanted me to provide several more to "complete" the task, including one more manager. Trying to think back to the last actually good manager I had prior to the one who'd already promised to review me, I couldn't think of how to contact him outside of Facebook. So I signed back in to that dreadful software.

I decided to quickly scan the feed to see how some of the contacts I only know through there are doing - bad idea! Bad idea!! - and I found out: someone found a lost cat; someone went on a nicely challenging mountain hike; someone's front porch was ransacked, probably by her political enemies; and the spouse of a dear friend of mine cross-posted an article titled "Why We Should Just Force Everyone To Get Vaccinated Already."

I clicked out of Facebook like it was on fire, and wrote to the HR person to request that they just go ahead with the references I already had. This was accepted.

The pointy end pierced me straight through as I sat there afterwards and realized that, most likely, I will never see that poster in person ever again... and due to the close connection... my dear friend, either. As in most Fourth Turnings, the times are determined to viciously divide us, in ways none of us could ever have predicted even two short years ago.

Who would have thought that I, for my part, would have ever questioned taking a vaccine? I got myself injected with Gardasil, the most recent new vaccine I can remember, as fast as I could get access to it. I was thrilled to have a lower chance of cervical cancer (I got it while too old for it to be perfectly protecting). I usually get a flu shot - I've only skipped them due to scheduling inconvenience, and always regretted it. I couldn't have imagined that this miracle of modern medicine might ever need to be resisted.

And who would have thought that this Facebook user - a hyper-rationalist, trans, union leader who I always deeply admired for her solid grasp on finances - would have ever cross-posted on a public forum something advocating for an insufficiently tested medical treatment to be forced upon everyone in the country, using every method short of a gun to the head?

As I told my husband when I could finally speak about it (it took a few hours)... I forgive her. She is trans, and that comes with many, many medical complications. Obesity out of the suffering of her childhood; the transition hormones, which seem to not be interacting very well with her system; other issues that keep popping up, then side effects from the medications she is taking to treat said other issues, and so on, and so on... I think at one point she had lockjaw and had to eat through a straw for a while. She's been a shut-in since long before COVID kicked off - staying upstairs during my family's visits, most of the time, due to not feeling well. Per my friend, she was upset enough about her father's passing (a year before COVID) that I was able to read between the lines and suss out that she isn't emotionally prepared to face the ending of her life just yet, either. No different from most people, of course!

The point I'm trying to make here, is that should anything change about the society we currently live in - and I mean ANYTHING - she may very well actually die. If any circulated diseases are incompletely vaccinated against or become even more so; if the medical infrastructure shudders and she is unable to access emergency treatment from some medication reaction in time; if there is a disruption in the medical supply chains, which cut off any of her medications or the transition hormones, and she is then unable to access medical care for withdrawal symptoms; and of course if there is a huge backlash in this country against rank Democrat mismanagement and the Republicans take control--trans people have been portrayed as the ultimate child-devouring bogeyman among that crowd for years now, and now that we no longer "do" medical privacy, will likely be served up on a silver platter to appease the mob...

Can I really blame her, for advocating for a policy that she believes would protect what she has, or even save her life? No, and who could?! Even if I were to tell her all the reasons why it won't work... how could she possibly hear anything other than "You're going to die, and you have to deal with it"??

She's one of the people I have feared for the most throughout all this mess. But... I can no longer protect her. That moment--in which I realize that there are people I care about who I can neither help nor save--has arrived. I would have hidden her in my home. I still will, if she asks.

My outcome card was "choosing security over risk" and as this was the day that my last real concern about not getting this job somehow dissolved, I feel that I have chosen the security of a well-paying job over the risk of crouching in my home until the unemployment finishes paying out. Then again, looking at the world we live in today... what is safety? What is risk? I've chosen the path that society thinks is the ideal one, for sure, and that has its own rewards. It will be good to be paid, to have healthcare and dental. But there's no such thing as a perfectly safe choice. Not in these times, and not in any times.

On that lovely note, let's get today's divination done, and go on a walk.

Me: Queen of Clubs - creative, optimistic, holding a little one

Situation: 6 of Clubs (The Tower) REVERSED - thank god no earth-shattering realizations to come today, "more of a manageable or expected change, the questioner able to handle it graciously"

Outcome: 2 of Clubs REVERSED - no discussion or debate, "will lead to an adventurous, exciting conclusion - the questioner needs to jump in with both feet!"

The cards are lightening up, hooray! A straight clubs flush - does that mean I'll be particularly creative or daring today? And on that note... I'd better go schedule peeing in a cup. Back tonight!

Another accurate day (who is surprised? not me). Tired and want to spend time with my husband, so will go through quickly.

As usual with the Jack of Hearts card, it was a day of feelings I've been sitting on for a while bubbling up to the surface. I ranted and raved at my husband as we took our usual trip to a coffee shop mid-day about how everyone around us is just SO CRAZY right now, omg!! It was... relieving! He took it well and mostly agreed, lol. I think he was relieved at how relatively normal these feelings were, compared to the truly intense moods I've been in over the last few days...

The 2 of Clubs was met at least 2 different ways, maybe 3 - I had a huge discussion with a good friend online about his book he asked me to read about "conversion experiences" (it is by his favorite philosopher). Reading a book about conversion experiences as someone recently converted is a TRIP by the way. I had at least three recruiters call me about random positions, to the point where I was about to throw the phone across the room (yet another source of rant!).

And of course, I had the final (I hope) interview for Avery Denison. This was with the HR person. I may have more energy to give an outline later, but let's just say 1) The offer still seems to be on its way, sometime by Friday, though I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't arrive, as they are checking AGAIN with the overseas big boss 2) She was a consummate professional but I can tell through her words that everything is on fire at their offices regarding office vaccination policy 3) They are clearly trying not to have a large chunk of their employees immediately quit - either because they don't require everyone to vaccinate, or because they require everyone to vaccinate 4) I am ready to roll with either outcome, just let me KNOW argh!

I think it's clear enough how the Outcome card is working out today.

Let's divinate...

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - me when I am in control/at my best, yay! Also, wisdom, sheathed sword, yada yada.

Situation: 9 of Spades REVERSED - no keeping me up all night with worries YAY

Outcome: 9 of Clubs (The Sun) - Clarity, Simplicity, New Life

Praise the gods, a positive day likely lies ahead... it's interesting that I have NO clue whether I will get the job, not get the job, or be kept in suspense. But then again - I didn't ask that! I only ever ask "What do I need to know about the events of tomorrow?" And so far, it seems like tomorrow will be a good day :) Boy... am I ready for one of those.

Another on-point divination - I mean, perhaps I should just take it as a given at this point? Perhaps, but then again, I am still in the learning phase, so I guess I'll keep stating the obvious for a bit longer...

I had focus and clarity today - not at my peak capacity, not by any means, but the intense emotions receded like the tide and let my mind work again. It also helped that I spent today giving my body exactly what it wanted, which first and foremost was a 3-hour nap first thing in the morning (AMAZING). I didn't have enough energy to go to the gym, but hopefully soon :)

My Situation card seems to have been related to the nice long period in the afternoon where I stitched the collar of my Druid robe (belatedly) and watched at least an hour of DVD content on English cathedrals. York is a beautiful place that God is clearly angry at (the cathedral has burned catastrophically three (!) times in the last 200 years, including in 1984 from lightning). Canterbury seems to have had less divine anger in modern times - I wonder if Saint Thomas is keeping an eye on things down there?

Finally, I got a call from the HR person at Avery Denison saying that... everything was fine! They were still going forward with the offer, and so long as I wore a mask constantly while inside the office and sat a certain distance away from all the other employees, there would be no problem! And as soon as I got the vaccine and submitted them the paperwork proving I had done so, then we could wrap all those requirements up!!

Heh... the good thing about going through every single possibility in your head before taking an action, is that you're not as surprised by the outcome (usually). I have imagined those exact conditions already, and decided that I can handle them. The only thing that would be unbearable is if my new coworkers considered me to have betrayed them. And, now that I've disclosed, there ought to be several chances yet to come for the offer to be derailed if that's the honest opinion of the workers... Avery Denison does seem to be respectful of its employees overall. I'd be fine if that happened, as well.

I could hold off and look for a remote job to avoid all this shit - but honestly I detest remote work more than I can say (or write). Even as the member of the office with a "kick-me" sign on their back (figuratively... I hope) I will be able to take a nice walk through the city every day and night, and to see other people's faces and hear them talking, at least. It'll be like being in a Japanese office with a cold... forever! And let's not forget the offhand comment about how companies are now keeping people's personal medical information on hand... lol. Sooner or later an excuse will be found to get rid of me. But before then? I can make money and save it - the pay is solidly middle-class, they have cheap medical insurance, and I just might make it all the way to getting to use the paid maternity leave... before they figure out how to knife me from behind. I went through this with my last baby, so I already understand what to expect. It's the American dream! I've made it!! Ha ha ha...

Today in annals of "things I never thought I would say and truly mean": I eagerly look forward to being forced to become a stay-at-home mom. Can't come soon enough!

Just as the Outcome card said, though, I also feel that I have put down the burden. I've done my due diligence, per the insane rules of modern society as I best understand them. Now... it's time to let them figure out their own path forward, and to live less stressfully.

And on that note, let's get the divination for tomorrow done.

Me: Jack of Hearts - Thoughts coming to the surface, contemplation

Situation: 2 of Clubs - A Passionate Conversation, A Debate

Outcome: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) REVERSED - "Reversed, in the Outcome position, Temperance shows that the matter at hand will create continued frustration because there are elements involved so diverse, so fundamentally at odds with each other that they cannot be blended into a new whole. Vacillation, going back and forth on a matter are also indicated."

Well... this is just great, as a prediction for the day the offer will probably come :/ I almost feel like I can't bear it anymore but... this is a clear sign that all the drama is not yet over. We've got at least one more day for me to stay on my toes. Well... so be it. For tonight, I am headed to bed.

This is... a late post!! Which is to say, of course, the previous divination was dead-on, 100%.

Daycare was cancelled first thing in the morning and the rest of the day was one hell of a scramble. We went to the zoo and that was fine, mostly because once we were in the zoo, I could just walk along a set path with him in the stroller. (NO focus or clarity, Ace of Spades.) I got some calls from recruiters but hung up without answering them, as I just Could Not Deal. (NO advancing in my career, 3 of Clubs.) And Mike chose to call several family members later in the evening to set up our summer schedule, always somewhere between a chat and a battle. (2 of Clubs)

Just as an example of how scatter-shot yesterday was: I managed to get my kid's teeth brushed, but then got distracted, fell asleep next to him, and didn't get to brush my own teeth until 3 AM in the morning. THAT kind of day. You know!

OK, it's hella late, but let's see what the cards have to say for the rest of today.

Me: 7 of Diamonds (The Star) - Hope, Healing

Situation: 5 of Diamonds (The Hierophant) REVERSED - The opposite of being thrown out of community

Outcome: 3 of Diamonds - Craftsmanship, Successful Collaboration, Admiration

Oh, thank goodness! This is a much, much better day :) I can see that I will be cheerful and continue to heal - hopefully today will be the day that I consider the lingering cold I have had BEAT! The Hierophant/5 of Diamonds reversed suggests that I will be drawn closer into community as we celebrate our friend Cory's birthday <3 As for what I will collaborate on, or build, or admire... I look forward to finding out! :)

Whooooo I am out of it tonight. Let's review the day.

The Fool - was I ever today... was I ever. Bang-on.

The Lovers - Well, I felt union with all my plans - I got them done. I wish I'd been able to relax more in the location I visited, but at least I made it there. I'm going to attribute Oregon City's parking problems to Oregon City, lol! But thinking about it, Oregon City was legitimately beautiful. So... this one is another hit.

8 of Diamonds - It was definitely a homey day by the end of it, I did indeed cook a big meal, and I think it would have been quite comfortable... except my mother called, and dealing with that woman is always exhausting. I feel kind of like she horned in on my comfortable evening :/ And she has enough magical energy, frankly, that that might have been exactly what happened. (I get any abilities I may possibly have from her.) That bitch! A pox on her!!

I go back and forth about my mother. On the one hand, she's worked hard enough (at babysitting) over the last two years to earn forgiveness for ditching her promise to watch my child at the last minute three years ago. And my child loves her. On the other hand... interacting with her is generally miserable. And I'm regularly embarrassed at her antics. I have such an intense feeling of "dealing with someone who never mentally aged past 15" every time we talk... because... that's probably the truth, given her severe ADD.

Will I allow her to participate in Baby #2 when it comes along? We'll see. She desperately wants to, for what that's worth (it wasn't worth a hill of beans the last time around). I've gone back and forth between planning to ask her not to contact me until the child is 6 months old, at pain of permanent excommunication, and thinking that I can grit my teeth and handle her so long as she keeps babysitting regularly. But like 15-year-olds everywhere, babysitting is really all she's good for. The rest of the time she needs to be kept at arm's length. And will I have the strength to navigate that on a daily basis, while trying to keep an infant alive?

It's a question I'll be thinking about regularly over the rest of this year.

Okay, enough complaining about my mother (how typical!). Let's check out tomorrow.

Me: Ace of Spades - REVERSED. No focus, no clarity.

Situation: 3 of Clubs - REVERSED. Efforts not rewarded, no success in business.

Outcome: 2 of Clubs - A Passionate Conversation or Debate.

Oof... but I can't say it doesn't ring true. NO focus or clarity tomorrow - I'll still be deep in period land, so that makes sense. My efforts will not be rewarded (that's not a surprise either, for similar reasons). And... I guess I'll be having a chat with someone. Hopefully a fun chat? Uh, we'll see.

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sh1njuk1

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