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Let's start with an acknowledgment that I simply don't have the ability to keep up with this daily journal the same way I used to any more. We've taken the opportunity to switch from wi-fi to ethernet along with our move, and so my laptop is now an $800 piece of junk (doesn't have an ethernet portal - crapification ahoy!). I'm writing on a very old laptop computer my brother put together from pieces as a hobby. It works fine, but it doesn't sit on a lap too well. And... I now stare at 2 screens for 8 hours a day again. I'd like to replace my evening internet screen time with paper, frankly.

So I will be switching the daily div to a paper journal, and probably will find that a great boon to my health and happiness :)

I won't abandon the blog all together though - I have a lot of Druid stuff to complete and I would like this to continue to be my permanent record of each completion. (Finally started a book on local flowers, yay!) But I will limit posting to weekends from here on out.

Having said that, I haven't yet gotten to Goodwill to pick up a notebook... so let's report, one last time, on the last few days of divination here.

Wednesday--

Me: I ended up with a sudden rush of energy (probably from the catharsis) and tried a lot of different things - simplifying the SOP down into a simple prayer, and trying to take my kid to the park after daycare, so that he could get some nature time. First one worked, second one didn't. My husband decided that he would keep taking walks around the daycare neighborhood with him instead.

Situation: I decided that if there was time this weekend or next, I would take my son with me and visit our old home one last time to say a proper goodbye to the trees and the garden, during the period when my father is at work. It would be easier not to take him - and easier still not to go - but I think we both need something to mark a proper ending of a period of our life. Fingers crossed we can get that done soon.

Outcome: I realized the situation I wrote about at the top of the page. Discussions... debates... halted! I'm sad about losing some of the community aspect of this place, but accept that it's for the best. All social-media-like things need to begone! from my life, and be replaced with as many human connections as I can scrounge up. I'm looking forward to the quiet... the blissful, healing quiet.

Thursday--

Me: King of Hearts - Let's just say that I had a day, er, oriented to my husband.

Situation: 9 of Hearts REVERSED - I did exactly the right amount of work on this day (as compared to the previous day).

Outcome: The Tower REVERSED - I'd been planning to take my husband to a local theme park for his birthday, but the tickets for the weekend sold out within 24 hours :( We were both sad, as we'd really been looking forward to it, but we figured that we could go to a nice local restaurant (Mcmenamins complex, so that the kid could run around and have fun too) instead.

Friday--

Me: Jack of Hearts - boy howdy did hidden feelings ever come to the surface :/ I had a pretty serious talk with my husband about how much mental energy he was spending on his art hobby, which... there's a lot there. He sees it as his identity, and fears that if he doesn't continually practice it he will "lose what he has", which leads to stress, which leads to anxiety, and so forth. He's been banging on about seeing a counselor about it, which I think is a good idea, but trying to get our address changed and signing up for benefits has just been one more damn thing on top of the pile of things for me lately. I asked him, for my part, though I would get the benefits in order ASAP (for a lot of reasons) I'd really like it if he could please take more charge of this personally and show less of it to me. I told him my feelings that we have a lot fewer safety nets that we used to, I'm 2 months pregnant and (hopefully) not going to get any less pregnant, I'm working full time now to pay for rent and benefits, and if I have so much as a pregnancy complication we are going to be in some trouble. We had a nice long conversation about a lot thin we've both been going through recently that ended well, with him agreeing to step up and help me with finances, which was something I'd been doing all by myself (just one more damned thing). In turn, I promised that his art stuff wouldn't become an issue again, so long as I didn't continue to feel like the one worried about all the "adult" issues while he worried about "child's play" (not really the situation, but it had sometimes occurred to me). He does a ton of work for our family too, of course, but the art issue has come up enough times that it had to be settled. 

Situation: 5 of Hearts - learning from mistakes, I believe this card is. I'm slowly coming to terms with my mistake about the best role of family in my life. It'll take some time, but it came up in our talk too. I'm moving forward.

Outcome: 3 of Clubs - I believe I had a relatively successful week at work that I can build on. Also, the conversation with my husband went well, and I believe that we'll be build the next phase of our marriage upon it as well.

Saturday--

Me: Queen of Clubs - me, being creative, with my little one :)

Situation: The Empress - pregnancy, fertility, food/nature

Outcome: 10 of Diamonds - family, security over risk

The rest of today looks like a home-and-family-focused day - I'm planning to get pots for my balcony plants and buy and cook a lot of food for a friend coming over later. What a lovely divination :)

This isn't the end of divination - just a transition. But, this practice has helped me get through some pretty difficult times in my life just since starting it last spring. I'm really grateful for what I've been given. And I'll post again about Druidry stuff next weekend! :)

 I admit I figured most of today that I'd gotten a rare miss on the divination... The Star seemed to mean more like, I was kind of loopy, and I had an off day for sure (they didn't turn off the AC even when the weather turned so I shivered the whole day, and didn't complete all my tasks). But when I arrived home, I found that my husband had unpacked almost every last box, organized all the rooms and put down the carpet we bought at Goodwill! So the celebration card counts <3 I think, if the Emperor card has any meaning for me today, it's in my concluding thought that some days are just off days. I ate a bunch of cheese (I think I also didn't have enough fat in my diet today) and am ready to give it all another shot tomorrow. So grateful for my husband <3

Let's div!

Me: The Empress

Situation: 3 of Hearts

Outcome: Queen of Clubs

Looks like a very pregnancy-related day - not sure how I feel about that! But, there's still more celebration in the middle of it... I wonder if that card is noting me getting used to our new, better surroundings? In any case, it doesn't change what I have to do. Onward!

 Let's get through this one... lots to do today. 

Me: Yeah, I had a lot of feelings yesterday. My dad's cowardice, which I had already recognized last spring, finally worked itself out to its logical conclusion. I worked through the rage, and I think most of the shock, and then was left with a deep and enduring sadness, which is still with me. I don't think it will go away anytime soon. 

Situation: Well, moving out on a dime is going to be quite difficult - this is apparently a time where 2-bedroom apartments are in high demand (talked to an on-site manager yesterday afternoon). Both of the buildings I called did not bother to call back, either. Sigh. On the other hand, we have more time - Mike is going to take our kid up to Seattle on Sunday, and stay there at his mom's house all week. Sure is a good thing I repaired relations with her, huh?! My mom will come and watch him there so that he can work. That will give me time to "lean in" at work (god I hate that term) and focus all my remaining energy on finding a place. 

My dad doesn't know yet that after Sunday morning, he isn't going to see his grandson again for a very, very long time. I'm not actually angry enough to purposefully cut him off - thank goodness for that, for my sake - but I am pretty sure that he won't feel safe enough to come visit for an indefinite period, anyway. I know I need to tell him what's happening eventually, but... I'm so very tired. He just doesn't understand (well, won't understand) that he struck directly at our ability to make a living. He doesn't understand that "safety" is a luxury that he is privileged enough to have, and we aren't. He's going to play bafflement and outrage, I already know, and make it out to be our faults somehow, so that he doesn't have to feel like the cringing coward who just evicted a young family in the middle of a pandemic that he actually is. I'll just have to let it all roll off me and do what I must. I'm just so very, very tired. 

Outcome: I suppose I could have reacted a lot worse to all this - I tried to post a cry for help about finding apartments in a hurry in r/portland, and it was deleted immediately, and then tried in r/AskPortland, and it was deleted even faster - LOL! None shall be allowed to post anything negative about Portland!! (Honestly, the virulence of the censorship was a bit of a surprise - so many things I am learning this year...) But, I suppose I'm grateful, it did focus my mind. I went in to work, explained the situation to my boss with a joking tone, and did a solid 4 hours of data entry practice. I went to the next door apartment building and hotel and got their rates and availability on my break. I cuddled my kid and put him to bed. I did not collapse in a heap of tears or post howls of rage everywhere on the Internet. I was just a bit down after work was over. Given the circumstances... perhaps that really was my best possible self. 

Let's divinate and get on with the day. 

Me: Queen of Hearts (The Empress) - me am pregnant, may also have something to do with food

Situation: 10 of Clubs REVERSED - "do not carry the weight of the world on your shoulders alone"

Outcome: 9 of Hearts REVERSED - NOT doing too much, being selfish

Huh... this is actually rather clear advice (!). "You're pregnant; don't take on too many burdens alone, and don't overdo it!" Well - I doubt an obstetrician could be so clear. OK... I won't overdo it today, cards, thanks :)

I'm going to preface this by saying that I do not think today's divination was particularly accurate at all. And, honestly, that doesn't surprise me. I sorted the cards for nearly 5 minutes yesterday and jumped on the faintest possible "signal". Usually, the cards let me know which to pick within a minute, and quite strongly too. I suspect it was because I was so emotionally and spiritually disrupted yesterday, after reading JMG's hypothesis on ADE, that I literally could not access the sensitivity necessary to "read the cards". 

I'm doing much, much better today. I kept to my vow of not checking Ecosophia for a bit. (Other news sites focus on such pointless shit, don't they? It was actually a relief...) I decided that I was going to pour my emotions about the post into two directions: first, continuing to do whatever preparations I can for difficult times ahead, and second, in making sure that I spend as much time as possible with everyone I love who is willing to see me. After all, what's really changed? Who's to say that anyone and everyone I know won't just be hit by a bus, or contract cancer? None shall know the hour. I reached out to my mother-in-law and asked if she would be OK with me planting a tree on her property, for my Druid curriculum. She enthusiastically said yes! Given how much we have repaired our relationship, and learned to respect each other's boundaries, I think I can be comfortable with returning to usual visits. Thank the gods. 

Also, I wrapped up unemployment and all my job hunt activities (may I not need to do that again for a while), and completed and submitted my Druid curriculum. I think I can properly move forward now with both my new job and my spiritual path. 

In summary, I'm not entirely clear what the drastic problem was I solved (The Tower), what decision fell upon me that cut off one of the other path (Justice) or what pyrrhic victory I won (5 of Spades reversed). I think I'm gonna call that a bust. 

And... here's to hoping that I have returned to form!

Me: 8 of Spades (Justice) - Reason, Fairness "bringing a fair-minded attitude will be most auspicious"

Situation: Ace of Spades REVERSED - NO focus, clarity "avoid provoking a fight"

Outcome: Queen of Hearts (The Empress) - Fertility, Responsibility to Nature "love will bring the best outcome in this matter"

OK... this seems like a better divination, tomorrow will of course tell. Interesting that I have pulled the Justice card so many times lately... well, here's a narrative. I think that I will manage to be fair-minded tomorrow in all my dealings, but that may not mean that I complete all that many tasks. I should/will conduct my actions with love and a motherly role in mind. Might have something to do with nature, too? We will see!

Me card: I was a bit nervous about this one, having the nuance as it did of a deadly fight one might not necessarily win. What it seems to have been, though, was a reference to how I feel about my general situation - and that was what came out in my email to my mother-in-law today - I did not state it quite as bluntly as I am about to, but I am hyper-aware of what danger my family and I are in by our lack of social networks right now (and I do NOT mean Facebook!). A Fourth Turning is a bad, bad time to be an independent thinker. I am putting a lot of energy into trying to find ways to fit myself into a group that don't involve potentially sacrificing my own child. It SHOULD be easier than this, but, well, here we are. 

Situation card: Everything went so well for me today :) The universe is offering me a break, and by gum, I will accept it! My mother-in-law not only apologized to me directly for what happened, she told me that I'd shifted her perspective on vaccine refusers (!!). I had two interviews today (only being done for unemployment claim purposes) and both conversations were quite pleasant, and reminded me that there are options out there if something about Avery Denison doesn't work out. My health steadily improved throughout the day, I took a nice walk in the sun, I did floorcerzises at the request of my body, I did a ritual in the public park and I think I was decent entertainment for a mother and her son hanging out nearby, lol. Can't think of a better example of a day matching The Lovers, really!

Outcome card: "This card is telling the questioner that her best interests in this matter will be upheld by maintaining a non-confrontational stance. In addition, if a confrontation is feared, she can relax because it won't happen." Amen and amen to that, and full speed ahead with repairing my family relationships...!

Let's divinate to find out what tomorrow holds...

Me: 4 of Diamonds - Hesitation to help others, preoccupation with material possessions "security, protection, caution"

Situation: Jack of Spades - Caution, Potential

Outcome: Queen of Hearts (The Empress) - fertility, motherhood, "a sympathetic, loving woman will have a great deal to do with it"

Interesting - I hope that I can manage to be more generous than all that tomorrow! Nevertheless, a focus on security, I can see. This is mirrored by the Jack of Spades. This might represent something to do with my planned call with Violet tomorrow, too. Now of course my ears perk up whenever I get the Empress as the Outcome card... :) I still don't believe I am pregnant yet, that would genuinely surprise me, but I will keep an eye out for how this card might express itself without an actual pregnancy. And with that... time to cuddle my cute little toddler and get him to bed!

 Finding myself up later than I expected... I fell asleep cuddling my son tonight. This is always a wonderful ending to a day, so I can't complain :)

Starting off today, I wasn't sure that the positive divination would necessarily be true - I was quite tense, waiting for that call. But... it didn't come. And didn't come. And didn't come. Here we are past midnight and obviously it still hasn't come. 

I still have one more day to possibly be both made far wealthier, yet intensely burdened, with that offer. But as I contemplated it not coming, or it coming with bad news (or - would it be?), I became steadily calmer. 

As I did the SOP late in the afternoon I reached out for the first time and had a conversation directly with my Heart, at that part of the ritual. It was pretty casual - like "sup? You doing OK in there?" And I heard the voice back loud and clear - "Yes, thanks for asking." I realized that it hadn't really been OK in there for a while. Neither of the two jobs I've been seriously considering over the past few weeks have brought forth a positive reaction from my Heart in any way. Today was the first time in a while I felt my chest fully relax during the ritual. Me and my body are starting to get along far better in recent days (I finally went to the gym, yay!), but I've been telling my heart to put up and shut up. I may yet have to force it back into an unwilling box. But if this job fades away... the truth is... it will be first and foremost an enormous relief.

And should I be so fortunate as to be freed from this burden, as a result of being the best possible person I know how to be at this time... I am taking A BREAK from the job hunt! Sheesh! I don't even really need to work right now (for a corporation, at least - heaven knows I have a pile of things to work on for my/the family's sake...) - why am I still dragging myself through this muck?!

I think I've got another read on the King of Spades/Emperor card. It's me, of course, but it's specifically me working deliberately towards what I know I need to work on. Mostly in a spiritual sense. The card is drawn as if it's a wise, seasoned, not-entirely-of-this-world general of an army. I'm going to see it as the best possible form of what I might become--maybe even my Higher Self. Thanks to Violet for giving me that vocabulary. 

And of course the clarity and simplicity of what I feel right now... is The Sun card. Perhaps it is even a new life. I feel like I've passed through some stuff, over these past weeks. Maybe even burned a little karma. 

Well - let's take the reading for tomorrow, shall we? And see whether my respite is temporary...

Me: Ace of Spades REVERSED - not so much for the focus and clarity, sigh

Situation: Queen of Hearts (The Empress) - Fertility, responsibility to nature

Outcome: King of Diamonds - Generosity, Happiness found in nature or spirituality

Well, this is interesting... it's almost like it's predicting I could still get the job? :/ Or just that I doubt my current clarity. Or maybe that something else entirely comes up and distracts me! :) Of course getting the Empress makes me think "R I PREGANANTE" but... I'm not, I'm pretty sure. It could be predicting something about family or my love life, though. And that outcome card... makes me think I'll finally be able to sit down and submit the curriculum! That would be a pretty good day, whatever else happens :)

 Let's get through this while the kid is in the bath...

Another accurate divination today. I spent most of this (hot, HOT) day commenting on spiritual websites, and managed to offer some advice I think to a commentator on a different site. I felt very much in my role as someone with something intellectually relevant to add, perhaps even wisdom. The sheathed sword, again, felt relevant too. 

I think the egregore or whatever of Amazon has definitely hijacked the only career card with a large body of water on it... because today was all Amazon, all the time. I took three calls from the recruiter. 

And - I think I feel the "not an announcement" part of the Judgement card. Because we're leaving it today at "can I have another reference??" from this recruiter. (ANOTHER reference, sheesh, come on lady! :/) I'll eventually email Candice from two contracts ago, but I have no energy to do it, really. It's too damn hot for this. So we're not really slam-dunking this yet. I think that's the association. 

What will be my divination for tomorrow, after the oppressive heat finally GTFOs? 

Me: 7 of Spades (The Chariot) - A Triumph, A Breakthrough, An Inventive Solution

Situation: 3 of Hearts - Celebration

Outcome: Queen of Hearts (The Empress) - Fertility, Responsibility to Nature

Interesting - looking up more information on the Me card (because it really confuses me) shows that it has something to do with either determination, or strategy, or both. I wonder what I'll need to strategize? I'm just going to guess that I'll be celebrating this damn heat wave ending. And the outcome card... would I become pregnant, if Mike and I didn't use protection tomorrow? :) Don't think I'll find out. But will something to do with me as a mother happen? I'll have to see - this is the first time I've drawn this card!