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Thoughts, and perhaps eventually divination too.
My cards yesterday all but called me out as being "lethally cranky" today, and well... I think that's about right. I'm so cranky I legitimately wondered if I should bother to write anything at all today, but... it does encapsulate some spiritual elements and this is a spiritual blog. Also, I'm kind of giving in (not that I had much choice) to the "stay awake at night and think about things" outcome card. So let's go.
I've been working pretty hard to distract myself, with some success, but I can't deny that I'm not all that much happier about this potential new job than the Amazon one. There is a difference in my unhappiness - the scratching, writhing animal reaction that was going on for the Amazon job is thankfully absent - but the appetite and sleep disruptions are steaming right along. (Silver lining - I might lose some weight at this rate...)
Part of me is like "that's it! That's the statement!" but of course, I have to figure out what to do about it in my actual life.
What's making me lethally cranky is that unlike the Amazon position, I have no argument to justify backing out of this job that I can legitimately offer to anyone in my life. Mike at least would probably tolerate it - he has been hovering, annoyingly, all day, because he is an empathetic person and can no doubt feel my black mood like a fog. He has told me many times that he just wants me to be happy and I believe him. I wish I could flip a switch and get there.
I don't want to get a vaccine and I WILL NOT at this time (not without data I feel that I can trust regarding infertility issues, which can't even exist per the laws of math for another 6 months minimum). So, since this is the thing I cannot budge on... everything else has to fall into place from there. But of course, this is the exact thing that next to no one in this society is capable of understanding. And unless I'm willing to lie - like, REALLY lie, like look into the face of a coworker and ostensible comrade and straight-up tell them an untruth they believe threatens their life with a smile - I am going to have to live under the mark of a decision no one else around me understands or sympathizes with.
I have the strength to do this. More to the point, I have the gender and class privilege to do this - actively bearing and raising an infant as a middle-class married woman gives one an "out" in many ways, even in this increasingly anti-child society. But I don't have the strength, it feels to me right now, to do this and be cheerful about it. My black mood is extending from there.
Mike so desperately wants me to be happy, he talked all day about how "People are calming down! They're gathering again without masks! We should go places with other people - maybe if we see them enough times, they'll be our friends someday! That's something to hope for, right?" Poor Mike - he can tell, I think, on a gut level that... well... I might be hitting a wall with society right now, period.
I don't want to be unkind, or ungracious, and I certainly don't want to make anyone else feel unsafe. I know that roughly 80% or greater of the people we would be mingling with would immediately ban me from their group if they knew I was not vaccinated. And that makes me... not want to be there.
I don't have the energy any more to navigate the impossible standards of left-leaning Portlanders - those raging hypocrites who will nod along with vaccination mandates, social distancing, etc. while of course constantly meeting all their friends (and attending BLM marches) constantly during this pandemic - just on the "down-low". People really are noticeably relaxing, but also I notice a very studious practice of trying not to talk about it. People are just going back to their lives and usual routines quietly. It's a good thing - but the moment they so much as bump into anyone, oh, it's all "I'm vaccinated! I'm vaccinated! I'm a GOOD PERSON!!" The moment one must interact with masks, or COVID, or getting close to another person not in your family, vaccination must be incanted, lest one be Unclean and Bad. I'm extremely tired of it, and seeing as I'd probably have to navigate it every fucking day on this fucking job, I have no appetite to deal with it in any way outside of the job.
I don't want to navigate the Unitarian Universalist church (they're still meeting on Zoom anyway). I don't want to deal with Meet-Up groups. I don't want to deal with the few online friends that I keep up with, 100% of whom are vaccinated and child-free. I'm already off of social media and I'm staying off. I don't want to deal with my family - it's long past time that I keep Levi's maxim "...to be silent!" in mind, and practice it constantly. They (specifically my father, but also everyone else) don't need to know any more details of my job hunt, period, ever again. I'll be moving my desk out of the dining room and into the bedroom so that I no longer have to interact with anyone in this household except at a time of my choosing. I should probably have done that long ago!
On the long-term positive side, I finally might be hitting a wall with the news - I've decreased my consumption dramatically, but there are still a few sites I visit across the spectrum - and I might be able to channel this negative energy into cutting them out of my life for good. That would probably improve my mental health dramatically! And move me away from screens, which is something I would like to do. I'm at the point where I'm thinking, what good does it do me to even read about events? I can't change them, and I already have my path.
I'm extremely grateful that I made the decision to take up a spiritual path right now - if I didn't have this, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that I would be in a pit of absolute despair. As is typical in a Fourth Turning, there's not really anywhere to run right now - there's no "better place" anywhere I could reach. People have lost their minds and won't quickly regain them - at least not until things are REALLY bad, far and away worse than anything happening in this moment. I can neither prevent such bad times, nor bring them on any faster. The only realistic option is to suffer with dignity, and to keep as tight a hold as possible onto my personal ethics, so that I can retain the ability to look at myself in the mirror. And, hopefully... to welcome my child into this world in a year or so.
The great thing about AODA Candidacy is that it gives me plenty to occupy my time with :) I've got my planned Earth Path curriculum written down in a notebook - there's a dozen books in there! I haven't made nearly as much progress on discursive meditation as I would like - that's a whole category I get to focus on, with endless possible work - I have The Cosmic Doctrine right there, to provide endless fodder for contemplation. I still need to complete the SOP (I have all the elements, just Spirit Above/Below to add in). I've got lists of local parks and nature areas to go hiking in, to try and connect in the real world with the knowledge in the books. My Bardic path, I believe, will be in "culinary arts" - I plan a 4-part proposed curriculum including mastering basic elemental cooking (Air = bread, Fire = campfire cooking, Water = soup/stew, Earth = fermenting), completing 75% of the recipes in my Mennonite cookbook on eating responsibly and serving them to my family, cooking something grown locally and in season and bought at the farmer's market every week for an entire year, and either eating or preserving everything that is growing in our garden right now. Oh - and making sure there's as little waste as possible from all of the above. So... 5 parts?? Also I'm going to keep trying to keep baby trees alive, and planting them in out-of-the-way areas. I'm discovering there's a hell of a learning curve to that!
None of this requires a community or friends (though I will continue looking into the Druid church options). I can putter around indefinitely all by myself. So, while I know that I won't reject social time or friendship that comes my way... I don't need to hunt it down. I have enough safety to wait until enough people have gone through the stages of grief about what's happening in our society, that my companionship might seem like a good deal, despite being an Unclean.
To complete my review of my day, I did complete everything I needed to for the ceremony tomorrow. I suppose the positive, creative Queen card worked out that way :) Also, I looked again, and I could also do the ceremony under the same astrological conditions at the hours of 1:52 PM - 2:49 PM. So... I don't need to get up super early after all.
The chamomile tea I am drinking is starting to kick in and calm me down, so I think I'm ready to do the divination.
Me: King of Hearts - Sensitivity, Creativity, Career
Situation: Ace of Hearts REVERSED - NO creative, emotional, spiritual flow
Outcome: 8 of Hearts (The Moon) - Instinct, Mystery, Subtlety
Oh no, not another hearts sweep... :( But I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. I don't think Amazon is coming back - I'll still be continuing my job hunt, though, 100%! There's a great chance that any offer given will be rescinded once I announce my Unclean-ness, so I need to keep juggling. I have two potential leads, both of which I will follow up on tomorrow. I admit, I'd be pretty surprised if some part of the ceremony tomorrow wasn't done rotely, given my emotional state. But... the outcome suggests that I will reconnect with my instinctual self, and has a spiritual dimension. You know what? I'll take it. I'll take what I can get.
I've been working pretty hard to distract myself, with some success, but I can't deny that I'm not all that much happier about this potential new job than the Amazon one. There is a difference in my unhappiness - the scratching, writhing animal reaction that was going on for the Amazon job is thankfully absent - but the appetite and sleep disruptions are steaming right along. (Silver lining - I might lose some weight at this rate...)
Part of me is like "that's it! That's the statement!" but of course, I have to figure out what to do about it in my actual life.
What's making me lethally cranky is that unlike the Amazon position, I have no argument to justify backing out of this job that I can legitimately offer to anyone in my life. Mike at least would probably tolerate it - he has been hovering, annoyingly, all day, because he is an empathetic person and can no doubt feel my black mood like a fog. He has told me many times that he just wants me to be happy and I believe him. I wish I could flip a switch and get there.
I don't want to get a vaccine and I WILL NOT at this time (not without data I feel that I can trust regarding infertility issues, which can't even exist per the laws of math for another 6 months minimum). So, since this is the thing I cannot budge on... everything else has to fall into place from there. But of course, this is the exact thing that next to no one in this society is capable of understanding. And unless I'm willing to lie - like, REALLY lie, like look into the face of a coworker and ostensible comrade and straight-up tell them an untruth they believe threatens their life with a smile - I am going to have to live under the mark of a decision no one else around me understands or sympathizes with.
I have the strength to do this. More to the point, I have the gender and class privilege to do this - actively bearing and raising an infant as a middle-class married woman gives one an "out" in many ways, even in this increasingly anti-child society. But I don't have the strength, it feels to me right now, to do this and be cheerful about it. My black mood is extending from there.
Mike so desperately wants me to be happy, he talked all day about how "People are calming down! They're gathering again without masks! We should go places with other people - maybe if we see them enough times, they'll be our friends someday! That's something to hope for, right?" Poor Mike - he can tell, I think, on a gut level that... well... I might be hitting a wall with society right now, period.
I don't want to be unkind, or ungracious, and I certainly don't want to make anyone else feel unsafe. I know that roughly 80% or greater of the people we would be mingling with would immediately ban me from their group if they knew I was not vaccinated. And that makes me... not want to be there.
I don't have the energy any more to navigate the impossible standards of left-leaning Portlanders - those raging hypocrites who will nod along with vaccination mandates, social distancing, etc. while of course constantly meeting all their friends (and attending BLM marches) constantly during this pandemic - just on the "down-low". People really are noticeably relaxing, but also I notice a very studious practice of trying not to talk about it. People are just going back to their lives and usual routines quietly. It's a good thing - but the moment they so much as bump into anyone, oh, it's all "I'm vaccinated! I'm vaccinated! I'm a GOOD PERSON!!" The moment one must interact with masks, or COVID, or getting close to another person not in your family, vaccination must be incanted, lest one be Unclean and Bad. I'm extremely tired of it, and seeing as I'd probably have to navigate it every fucking day on this fucking job, I have no appetite to deal with it in any way outside of the job.
I don't want to navigate the Unitarian Universalist church (they're still meeting on Zoom anyway). I don't want to deal with Meet-Up groups. I don't want to deal with the few online friends that I keep up with, 100% of whom are vaccinated and child-free. I'm already off of social media and I'm staying off. I don't want to deal with my family - it's long past time that I keep Levi's maxim "...to be silent!" in mind, and practice it constantly. They (specifically my father, but also everyone else) don't need to know any more details of my job hunt, period, ever again. I'll be moving my desk out of the dining room and into the bedroom so that I no longer have to interact with anyone in this household except at a time of my choosing. I should probably have done that long ago!
On the long-term positive side, I finally might be hitting a wall with the news - I've decreased my consumption dramatically, but there are still a few sites I visit across the spectrum - and I might be able to channel this negative energy into cutting them out of my life for good. That would probably improve my mental health dramatically! And move me away from screens, which is something I would like to do. I'm at the point where I'm thinking, what good does it do me to even read about events? I can't change them, and I already have my path.
I'm extremely grateful that I made the decision to take up a spiritual path right now - if I didn't have this, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that I would be in a pit of absolute despair. As is typical in a Fourth Turning, there's not really anywhere to run right now - there's no "better place" anywhere I could reach. People have lost their minds and won't quickly regain them - at least not until things are REALLY bad, far and away worse than anything happening in this moment. I can neither prevent such bad times, nor bring them on any faster. The only realistic option is to suffer with dignity, and to keep as tight a hold as possible onto my personal ethics, so that I can retain the ability to look at myself in the mirror. And, hopefully... to welcome my child into this world in a year or so.
The great thing about AODA Candidacy is that it gives me plenty to occupy my time with :) I've got my planned Earth Path curriculum written down in a notebook - there's a dozen books in there! I haven't made nearly as much progress on discursive meditation as I would like - that's a whole category I get to focus on, with endless possible work - I have The Cosmic Doctrine right there, to provide endless fodder for contemplation. I still need to complete the SOP (I have all the elements, just Spirit Above/Below to add in). I've got lists of local parks and nature areas to go hiking in, to try and connect in the real world with the knowledge in the books. My Bardic path, I believe, will be in "culinary arts" - I plan a 4-part proposed curriculum including mastering basic elemental cooking (Air = bread, Fire = campfire cooking, Water = soup/stew, Earth = fermenting), completing 75% of the recipes in my Mennonite cookbook on eating responsibly and serving them to my family, cooking something grown locally and in season and bought at the farmer's market every week for an entire year, and either eating or preserving everything that is growing in our garden right now. Oh - and making sure there's as little waste as possible from all of the above. So... 5 parts?? Also I'm going to keep trying to keep baby trees alive, and planting them in out-of-the-way areas. I'm discovering there's a hell of a learning curve to that!
None of this requires a community or friends (though I will continue looking into the Druid church options). I can putter around indefinitely all by myself. So, while I know that I won't reject social time or friendship that comes my way... I don't need to hunt it down. I have enough safety to wait until enough people have gone through the stages of grief about what's happening in our society, that my companionship might seem like a good deal, despite being an Unclean.
To complete my review of my day, I did complete everything I needed to for the ceremony tomorrow. I suppose the positive, creative Queen card worked out that way :) Also, I looked again, and I could also do the ceremony under the same astrological conditions at the hours of 1:52 PM - 2:49 PM. So... I don't need to get up super early after all.
The chamomile tea I am drinking is starting to kick in and calm me down, so I think I'm ready to do the divination.
Me: King of Hearts - Sensitivity, Creativity, Career
Situation: Ace of Hearts REVERSED - NO creative, emotional, spiritual flow
Outcome: 8 of Hearts (The Moon) - Instinct, Mystery, Subtlety
Oh no, not another hearts sweep... :( But I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. I don't think Amazon is coming back - I'll still be continuing my job hunt, though, 100%! There's a great chance that any offer given will be rescinded once I announce my Unclean-ness, so I need to keep juggling. I have two potential leads, both of which I will follow up on tomorrow. I admit, I'd be pretty surprised if some part of the ceremony tomorrow wasn't done rotely, given my emotional state. But... the outcome suggests that I will reconnect with my instinctual self, and has a spiritual dimension. You know what? I'll take it. I'll take what I can get.
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But yes, it makes me not want to hang out with people. Especially when the conversation turns to all those "idiots who haven't been vaccinated."
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I've decided for my part that if an offer is extended, I will accept it on the condition that everyone understand from the outset that I am not vaccinated, and will not be vaccinated until 2022 (when the infertility data in theory will be available). I will give part of the real reason as the "excuse" - that my husband and I would like to have another child sometime in the next 5 years. (Disclosing this is actually two strikes against me as an employee, as I'm sure you know.) I will tell them I'm willing to scrupulously follow every protocol in the office for the other members to "feel safe", including working proportionally more hours from my home office (bedroom). But I will also ask that if they decide as a result that I am not a good fit for the company or team culture, that they rescind the offer. This will both prevent any nasty surprises for them, which I feel is respectful, and keep me in line with the unemployment rules - barely, but I'd like to respect them too as much as is possible. It's about keeping my dignity intact, and my ethics, to the degree that it is possible anyway. (I also wouldn't disclose for an occasional outdoor event, because, come ON.) I am incredibly fortunate that this job is not essential for my family to eat right now, and if it was, there would be a different calculus.
If they reject me, all I have to fear would be the lack of understanding and probably rage from my extended family, who would probably have killed someone back in the day to guarantee me a salaried middle-class job in a good company. I don't expect it will be possible for them to understand why I would turn it down, for any reason. (Thank the gods, I have an understanding spouse on this point, another extreme privilege.) Therefore I must follow Levi's commandment "...to be silent!" Besides, I have another interview pending for a good-sounding position early next week, which would start out remote.
It's ridiculous how much privilege and freedom I still have, all things considered, and I am deeply grateful for it. I would be in terror if I had college-age kids getting pressured into this to attend the next semester :(
At the same time, I can absolutely feel the universe telling me "Hurry, hurry, if you're going to keep your 'contract' with your next child's soul...!" There isn't much more time, for many reasons, to have this baby, and I'm counting down the days until the agreed-upon time when we can start trying to conceive (September). That will be a whole new set of challenges in itself...
I sincerely hope and pray that this ridiculous moment in our society, too, will pass - as quickly and peacefully as possible, please...!