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Let's start with an acknowledgment that I simply don't have the ability to keep up with this daily journal the same way I used to any more. We've taken the opportunity to switch from wi-fi to ethernet along with our move, and so my laptop is now an $800 piece of junk (doesn't have an ethernet portal - crapification ahoy!). I'm writing on a very old laptop computer my brother put together from pieces as a hobby. It works fine, but it doesn't sit on a lap too well. And... I now stare at 2 screens for 8 hours a day again. I'd like to replace my evening internet screen time with paper, frankly.

So I will be switching the daily div to a paper journal, and probably will find that a great boon to my health and happiness :)

I won't abandon the blog all together though - I have a lot of Druid stuff to complete and I would like this to continue to be my permanent record of each completion. (Finally started a book on local flowers, yay!) But I will limit posting to weekends from here on out.

Having said that, I haven't yet gotten to Goodwill to pick up a notebook... so let's report, one last time, on the last few days of divination here.

Wednesday--

Me: I ended up with a sudden rush of energy (probably from the catharsis) and tried a lot of different things - simplifying the SOP down into a simple prayer, and trying to take my kid to the park after daycare, so that he could get some nature time. First one worked, second one didn't. My husband decided that he would keep taking walks around the daycare neighborhood with him instead.

Situation: I decided that if there was time this weekend or next, I would take my son with me and visit our old home one last time to say a proper goodbye to the trees and the garden, during the period when my father is at work. It would be easier not to take him - and easier still not to go - but I think we both need something to mark a proper ending of a period of our life. Fingers crossed we can get that done soon.

Outcome: I realized the situation I wrote about at the top of the page. Discussions... debates... halted! I'm sad about losing some of the community aspect of this place, but accept that it's for the best. All social-media-like things need to begone! from my life, and be replaced with as many human connections as I can scrounge up. I'm looking forward to the quiet... the blissful, healing quiet.

Thursday--

Me: King of Hearts - Let's just say that I had a day, er, oriented to my husband.

Situation: 9 of Hearts REVERSED - I did exactly the right amount of work on this day (as compared to the previous day).

Outcome: The Tower REVERSED - I'd been planning to take my husband to a local theme park for his birthday, but the tickets for the weekend sold out within 24 hours :( We were both sad, as we'd really been looking forward to it, but we figured that we could go to a nice local restaurant (Mcmenamins complex, so that the kid could run around and have fun too) instead.

Friday--

Me: Jack of Hearts - boy howdy did hidden feelings ever come to the surface :/ I had a pretty serious talk with my husband about how much mental energy he was spending on his art hobby, which... there's a lot there. He sees it as his identity, and fears that if he doesn't continually practice it he will "lose what he has", which leads to stress, which leads to anxiety, and so forth. He's been banging on about seeing a counselor about it, which I think is a good idea, but trying to get our address changed and signing up for benefits has just been one more damn thing on top of the pile of things for me lately. I asked him, for my part, though I would get the benefits in order ASAP (for a lot of reasons) I'd really like it if he could please take more charge of this personally and show less of it to me. I told him my feelings that we have a lot fewer safety nets that we used to, I'm 2 months pregnant and (hopefully) not going to get any less pregnant, I'm working full time now to pay for rent and benefits, and if I have so much as a pregnancy complication we are going to be in some trouble. We had a nice long conversation about a lot thin we've both been going through recently that ended well, with him agreeing to step up and help me with finances, which was something I'd been doing all by myself (just one more damned thing). In turn, I promised that his art stuff wouldn't become an issue again, so long as I didn't continue to feel like the one worried about all the "adult" issues while he worried about "child's play" (not really the situation, but it had sometimes occurred to me). He does a ton of work for our family too, of course, but the art issue has come up enough times that it had to be settled. 

Situation: 5 of Hearts - learning from mistakes, I believe this card is. I'm slowly coming to terms with my mistake about the best role of family in my life. It'll take some time, but it came up in our talk too. I'm moving forward.

Outcome: 3 of Clubs - I believe I had a relatively successful week at work that I can build on. Also, the conversation with my husband went well, and I believe that we'll be build the next phase of our marriage upon it as well.

Saturday--

Me: Queen of Clubs - me, being creative, with my little one :)

Situation: The Empress - pregnancy, fertility, food/nature

Outcome: 10 of Diamonds - family, security over risk

The rest of today looks like a home-and-family-focused day - I'm planning to get pots for my balcony plants and buy and cook a lot of food for a friend coming over later. What a lovely divination :)

This isn't the end of divination - just a transition. But, this practice has helped me get through some pretty difficult times in my life just since starting it last spring. I'm really grateful for what I've been given. And I'll post again about Druidry stuff next weekend! :)

 OK, this is coming kind of late, but I forgive myself, I'm creating new habits in a new place!

Yesterday's divination was Wheel of Fortune for Me, 3 of Spades for Situation, and 3 of Hearts for the Outcome. Very basic interpretation here - I decided on what I think is the final plan for how I am going to deal with the situation between me and my father; I chose to have a "romantic interlude" with my husband in the middle of the day (I can actually go home for lunch now) which, well, let's just say that things are rough down there when you're 2 months pregnant (ouch), and I celebrated it being Friday night and the weekend approaching - finally! 

I'm going to take a moment to journal a bit more on the stuff about my dad - no surprise, recent events have brought up a lot of feelings that go deep back into my childhood about it. I've gone through a ridiculous amount of cycling emotions over the past few weeks, but I think I've dug down to the nub of it. In short, I'm not happy that an old pattern from my childhood has been brought forward and repeated in my adulthood.

Trying to summarize without TOO many words: When I was 8 years old, I decided that I needed to help my parents communicate better with each other. They were getting along so poorly (their marriage was an abysmal mistake) that I sensed even at that age that it was important for me to do so, in order to try to prevent a divorce and a descent into poverty and chaos. I spent a lot of time talking to one of them, then walking across the house and talking to the other, while revising the words of the first one into terms that the second one could actually understand. I continued doing this work this off and on for the next 16 years. While my efforts were by no means the only reason the marriage hung together and preserved my home, they did have a positive effect, and less than a year after I "quit" the thankless task at 24 - having gotten a job in another city - the divorce finally went forward. I remember jumping around my studio apartment for joy after my mom's phone call letting me know. Unpaid, fruitless, thankless job over and done with, hooray! 

So, what's the connection with getting evicted from my dad's house at 5 weeks pregnant and in the first week of a new job, on the basis of questionable data about vaccine efficiency? (I mean, I happen to also believe that his Pfizer vaccine is next to worthless, but we were in a similar situation back in the winter and using daycare when he was unvaccinated, and we did not get evicted then.) I think it's because, since I was very young, both of my parents got used to letting me do the communication for them, covering over their own weak spots in this regard. Also, there's a side element of "This sort of stuff doesn't faze her, she can take it." Which... well, I did and I can. I genuinely helped prolong their marriage. When my mom quit her plan to provide childcare two weeks before I was due back to work, I hit the pavement and I found an affordable daycare. And now, after my dad evicted me and my family under these stupid circumstances, we enacted a plan we'd mostly put together earlier this year, found a place in the walkable downtown core (though a bit expensive) and have somehow managed to land on our feet.

Nevertheless, I am SICK OF THIS CRAP. Both of my parents, now, have failed me in exactly the categories they swore up and down were their most treasured and highest values (my mom with grandchildren, my dad with keeping the "family castle"). Now, I expect the world in general to give me shit - I'm not owed anything. But I think I do have the right to be A BIT VERKLEMPT when my own family throws the cost of their personal failure on me, and expects me to just take it with a smile. I am not a child anymore, and I am not forced to depend on them - living with my dad was a personal choice, undertaken in part because I had rose-colored glasses about the multigenerational household concept (karma ahoy!). So I don't actually have to accept this treatment ever again. I'm already free, in every way but the emotional. 

But at this point the old relationship of unquestioning trust between me and my dad is burned, dead and buried. So we're going to have to start somewhere new. Now the trick is trying to figure out exactly how to do that, in a way that is both fair to him, but also gets my point across as sharply as is necessary to pierce his thick skull. Too tired to expound on that tonight, and I want to wait several days and meditate on it before I make my move, so more later. 

Let's get divination going for tomorrow at least...

Me: 10 of Spades (Judgment) REVERSED - a gentle reminder to let go of something that needs to change

Situation: 4 of Spades (Death) - Change, endings

Outcome: King of Hearts - warm, loving man (career success?)

Hmm! This is definitely a reading that suggests, "don't resist the change". As to precisely what the change is... I have a few thoughts, but tomorrow will tell. Time to eat some ice cream and get my kid to bed. 

 Me: The "determination" card did apply to me today - I was determined to move my desk from the dining room to the bedroom, come hell or high water, in order to get ready for my new job starting tomorrow, and even after I finally peed on a stick--mostly to see if I couldn't mentally prompt my period already--and found out I AM pregnant... I laughed, and went right back to sorting papers! LOL!

Last time I was pregnant, it felt like being grabbed by the throat from the inside - but this time around, though there were a lot of symptoms thinking back (not least that my energy in doing the SOP had waned dramatically... sigh, I'm going to miss my daily SOP...) it's been much less jarring so far. So - given everything else that's been going on - I actually missed it! If I was a person with a less regular period, I wonder how long I would have gone before knowing?

Situation: Boy do I feel like the Fool today... but the specific meaning in this case is probably "opportunity". The child whose voice I heard all the way back in 2018 is finally getting the opportunity to live. (Specifically, the child who screamed from the beyond "I WANT TO LIVE!!!" the moment I got doubts about whether having another child was the right choice - THAT child is on their way. And calculating back, they grabbed their chance pretty much THE DAY my husband and I decided to stop using birth control...! This kid wants to be here, I can say that much. I don't know what all they'll have to face in this life but... they want to be here.) It's early days yet, but there's a good chance this one's going the distance.

Also, now I feel like a derp about all the Empress cards... here I am going, "I keep getting the Empress card but I'm not pregnant... what is the alternative interpretation of the Empress card?!" Meanwhile the Empress card goes: ":)" I looked back at this journal - I got the Empress card roughly when the embryo would have implanted, and then several times after the timeframe for my period came and went. So it goes!!

Outcome: Two interpretations for this one: first, my husband is overjoyed, and the King of Hearts could be him (he is romantic and bearded). Second, this could be a tell that this child will be a boy. (It is an image of a male, surrounded by water...) If so - that would work just fine for me! But I won't know for some time, as I'm going to do a lot less testing this pregnancy. Hopefully I'll be doing a lot less of everything hospital-related during this pregnancy, knock on wood. 

Next up will be finding an obstetrician... as I would prefer having access to a hospital for a potential C-section, just in case... not really looking forward to that, sigh. For a lot of reasons, I'm going to need one with a sense of nuance, which was rare even in the "good times". 

Anyway, I'd like a little support for tomorrow, first day at a brand new job (what a summer!!), so let's divinate. 

Me: 6 of Diamonds - community-minded, harmony, so forth

Situation: 2 of Diamonds (The High Priestess) REVERSED - discovering things that are hidden, but no final answers

Outcome: Joker (The Fool) - an opportunity

Clear enough! I will be aiming to make a new community of some sort. I will find out the situation at the job, but of course not everything will be revealed on Day 1. And... this is an opportunity. Opportunities galore nowadays. Thanks cards! I'm going back to bed now!

During the hour of Jupiter, in a waxing moon in the sign of Cancer, I completed the self-initiation ritual of Candidacy in the AODA. 



As you can see from the picture above, I chose to do it outdoors, in my backyard, on a white-painted table. I decided against draping it with a white cloth because where I am right now the grass is bone-dry, and I didn't want to add to the fire risk. (I also prepared a bucket of water, and put it the west side of the table.) I lit cedar incense in a burner for the first time ever, getting it started as I set up the altar. I draped myself in my unprepared robe (just a piece of shirtcloth I had cut a hole in for my head, kind of like a ghost costume) and put the yellow cord on the eastern part of the table. 

I had read through the ceremony several times before starting, but I read it again silently as I went through the phases. Wherever it asked me to speak, I spoke aloud. 

There was an interesting juxtaposition for the guide - I very much heard the words read in the current Archdruid's voice (a woman a few years older than me, American accent, etc), but I visualized a very old man, dressed in an unbleached robe, eyes blind, with a long and scraggly white beard, a crown of mistletoe draping down the sides of his head. He accompanied me, mouth not opening and eyes not blinking, for the first half of the ritual, though I completed it on my own. 

The first two parts of the ceremony, I spent a fair bit of time contemplating my intentions, as the ritual requests. I asked myself, and not-myself, several times whether or not I was ready to do this. Whether this was appropriate for me. 

What resonated with me - what grounded me in my assent to those questions, and made me calm - was the word "Knowledge". I absolutely wish to walk a path of knowledge, even if that knowledge isn't always pleasant or easy. 

I don't believe that I've written more than a little bit about the, well, religious part of my... awakening? I've been using the word 'enlightenment'... earlier this year. I remembered a past life, which opened my mind to a dimension beyond the material. But I also perceived, almost in a flash, a universal system that enwrapped all human beings on Earth, with two parts: karma, and the option of walking a path "forward". The underpinning was reincarnation - any given soul will be incarnated as many times as is necessary/they choose. The conditions of each new life will be affected by karma incurred from past lives. Justice is perfect, in all the wonderful and all the terrible ways that phrase implies. All those who steal will be stolen from, all those who abuse will be abused, and on down the line. In this vision, free will is the linchpin - all choices made, knowingly or unknowingly, one will be held responsible for. Suffering is the instructor - the blowback from poor choices are visited upon the soul as often as is necessary to inform them of right and wrong. And the "reward" - perhaps the point? - is knowledge. All the lessons of being in a human incarnation must be learned, one after the other (and though all the lessons of Christianity are among them, they by no means encompass all of them), and karma ensures that opportunities to master each one are laid in front of us. Once one has knowledge, one can step more deftly amidst the strands of karma. And in those steps, the path forms. 

Also, I sense that there exists an immense loving power in the universe, which watches over us at all times - but its interpretation of love and ours is not the same, and we don't always feel it as love. Some souls need its care more than others, and some souls need it more at some times than others. I don't have a name for it, and I don't think that its existence disproves the existence of other gods, spirits, etc. I have been touched by it a few times, and have nothing but gratitude for the experience. But I have no illusions that in the end, I must do the work. This power can support, it can even guide, but it cannot take away the responsibility. 

I don't know what the end point of the path is - I only have a vague sense that a soul "leaves". I also feel, though, that it isn't important. Like I can't possibly understand what's beyond the end, and I can only guess that I will have another path to walk that's as different from this one as this one is from the path I walked "before". 

What was especially wonderful about this realization, was that in a flash, every action of every other human being on Earth became "okay". Not that evil stopped being evil, or mistakes stopped being mistakes, but that I saw them in their whole context. Each soul is learning its lesson at its own pace, and every choice merely brings them towards either a positive or negative reinforcement. It was incredibly relaxing to realize that I don't need to "fix" anyone else. If advice is asked for, of course I can offer it, but my words are useless compared to the lessons karma is winding up to teach them. And, for most souls, only the extreme suffering of karma is able to instruct them appropriately. My own soul is no different. I've gone through my own chunk of karma over the past few years, no advice could have kept it from me, and more may well be on its way. The key point being that all we have meaningful control over in this existence are our own choices. So my focus must always be first and foremost on my actions, because that's what moves me forward along the path, and avoids racking up extra karma through narcissistic meddling. What I need to extend to other souls, in most cases, is empathy. Not fixing! I was once where they are now, in most cases, and I learned my own lessons the hard way, as they must in turn. 

Even though this felt an awful lot like enlightenment (just without the flashy lights and trippy stuff, which doesn't really appeal to me anyway) I also realized instantaneously that it changed absolutely nothing about my life. This might just be a me thing - the incredible privilege of having a previous incarnation that did so much work already - but I had already been less-consciously living my life along these principles. I referred to it as the "being able to look in the mirror" rule; specifically, that I always make the best possible choice available to me, so that I could retain self-respect no matter the outcome. Understanding the answer to all the major spiritual questions humans tend to ask just meant that... I still needed to figure out how best to deal with my terrible job, balance out my difficult family, love my husband, and raise my child. Because they are the point. The point of life is to solve the exact problems that are laid in front of you in the course of it. No more, no less. 

One particular Zen koan nails it: "Before enlightenment--chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment--chop wood, carry water." 

I went on a bit there (I'm awfully tired) but knowledge is what I choose to seek, and the path of knowledge is the one I desire to walk once more in this life. 

I returned to the altar for the third part of the ritual, tied my belt, and began to light the candles/do the SOP as was in the instructions. And here was where we ran into a few issues... 

First, despite being a hot day, it was also a bit windy. The first three candles I lit (Air, Fire, Water) stayed lit throughout - the Earth candle had to be relit a few times - and then the Spirit Below/Above/Within candles were immediately blown out. The incense also ran out after the Fire candle - next time, I'll bring a backup! (Interestingly enough I think this was when my guide departed as well - not least because I was distracted.) Also, I think I may have learned a lesson or two about doing a long intensive ritual at the peak heat of the day in direct sunlight... I finally gave in to the situation on the ground and dragged my altar table into a more protected location. 

At this point, I was going through match after match trying to relight the three central candles, which kept blowing out. (I also note that, coincidentally, I was having trouble with the exact elements that I have yet to add into my daily SOP...Earth is the one I'm currently working through...) At one point I shouted "PLEASE, let me complete the ritual, PLEASE!" And then a voice inside me said "It will be how it will be." I calmed down immediately, managed to light the last candle with one of the last matches, and completed the ritual without any more problems. 

The last thing worth mentioning is that during the last rounds of ritual questions, I was able to submit to the idea that the AODA might reject my curriculum plans, in which case I would have to draw up new ones. I accepted this potential outcome and vowed to go forward and complete a different curriculum if necessary. 

Since it's so late, I will do my divination as well. I am not quite sure why I was the King of Hearts today, but there's a sense of navigating a stormy sea (the King is drawn as a ship captain) that seems about right. The ceremony didn't go perfectly smoothly, but it did what it needed to do. And I guess I felt pretty mystical today, both at points during the ceremony, and as I wrote down my reflections. Let's get tomorrow's cards and go to bed. 

Me: 3 of Clubs - Efforts Rewarded, Success in Business

Situation: 9 of Hearts - Selfishness, Excess

Outcome: Queen of Clubs - Confidence, Strength

I am OK with this outcome - I feel like I worked through a lot over the past few days, so efforts rewarded it is! I'll need to keep an eye out for selfish behavior, or any variety of "too much", but I'd be glad to go into the end of the day feeling strong. And on that note... time for BED.

Guess what? I'm not taking the Amazon job after all! 

I woke up once again at 4 AM in the morning feeling absolutely miserable... and I just finally thought... why? Why am I doing this?? For $1200 fucking dollars a month?!

It would be more money than that - the unemployment benefits start to phase out in September - but I ran some very interesting numbers about how much, precisely, we managed to save over the past year while I struggled through with my last miserable contract. It turns out that we saved... next to nothing at all. Most of our current savings, even, is the stimulus payments + the money we borrowed from our family. And where did that money go? To a lot of things - but most of the non-necessities are under the category of "spending on stuff to keep from falling into suicidal despair." Because that's the type of year it was. And I could not deny it... the same feelings were coming back to me, no matter what and how I kept trying to convince myself to take the job. Mike told me he supported me, my dad said he supported me, even my father-in-law said he supported me too...

So I sent an email to the recruiter just an hour or so ago, telling her that I was having too many sudden mental health issues to be confident I could perform in the role, and to send my apologies to the manager. Not a lie, even!

So - we will live more dangerously. Or will we? There are many dangers in this world... I may have dodged one of them!

Given this blog's purpose, I want to describe the spiritual part of this, not just the practical. I am doing most of the SOP now - the four elements, at least. And as I was trying to focus on them, I figured out the following spiritual truths:

• Amazon really was trying to hunt me down. Their egregore or whatever really was predatory towards me, I wasn't imagining it. 
• The real division was inside me - inside my will. The moment I thought I might get the Amazon job, I was barely able to perform the Fire (will) part of the SOP. I recognized a few days back that it was because my will was deeply divided, and have been struggling to unite it ever since. Well... it's united now. 
• My mind was able to come up with many rationalizations for why it was a good idea to take the job. But it was also able to come up with many rationalizations why I shouldn't take the job. It was a neutral agent. I think all in all it performed well, I'm not mad at it. 
• My heart was numb the entire week, and the ritual didn't seem to be working to "clean" things out, until I finally this afternoon allowed myself to believe that I could back out of this. Upon thinking to myself my incantation for Water - "may my feelings show me what I need to know, may they come quickly and then go" I burst into tears. I really don't do this often - the last time was the moment I gave up home ownership in Portland, in mid-November 2020, at approximately 2 AM in the morning - so that much was a big deal. 
• In the middle of my sobs, I said aloud "We will have to be brave, won't we? And let the old life die..." It wasn't premeditated, and felt like it came from a deeper place than usual. It felt like the truth bubbled out. 
• The most effective banishing I have been able to do this week is in my brand-new Earth invocation, focusing on the body. In the end it was my body - my subconscious - which stepped up and made its will known here. And... I see that what the body wants, the body gets. I have a stronger "lower half" than I sometimes think.
• Or do I? Is the fact that it took this long for my body to get its message through to my head, even when my head was completely divided on the matter itself, yet another sign that I am "top-heavy"?
• I felt all this week as if I was wrestling a demon. I'm not entirely sure that's an exaggeration. 
• It was so much easier, in my heart of hearts, to convert to Druidry vs to take one step away from neoliberalism... shows you what the real religion of this country and civilization is, eh?
• This feels like the better path, spiritually. And normally I wouldn't consider that aspect - I mean, before, that was barely a category. I would have called it "ethics" and most likely shrugged off my concerns in the face of specific goals. Probably. But I couldn't this time. And even though I know I'll need to go through another round of cost reductions... and that the next predator I'll need to deal with is the state, should they investigate... I am so, so, SO relieved. 
• Fuck Amazon.
• I am going to continue on this Druid path, and become a better and more resilient person. Amen. 

The Queen of Spades and her pointy, painful sword plunged right through the middle of me today again - cutting away the old, maybe even later than it should have been done. The Hermit asked of me Sacrifice Without Regret, and I gave to him my old life, and bid it farewell. The Hanged Man, I read about in the longer reference book, often represents going against the grain - he is upside-down after all - and turning down a nice plush contract at Amazon where I could work from home etc. etc. is definitely going against the mainstream. So the divination was a slam-dunk. 

I thought a little bit more, actually, about that one reading from earlier in the week - the one that felt like it was about more than a single day. The Me was Amazon - nearly immersed in the waves. The Situation was "finding solace in nature or religion" - that was my Druid path. The Outcome was the Magician - "transformation" - me finally walking away from the way I'd approached the job hunt for at least the past decade, and moving towards... something new. Tarot can mean something new every time you look at them...

OK - let's do a divination, and sleep well at last tonight. 

Me: 8 of Hearts (The Moon) - Subtlety, Mystery, Instinct

Situation: 10 of Hearts (Wheel of Fortune) - Plans set in motion

Outcome: Jack of Diamonds - Fascination, Wonder, Scholarship

I see... let's sketch a narrative. I reconnect with my instinct, my inner self. I make plans for the next phase of my life. And I embark on them, as the Jack/Page, with a sense of wonder and a nose for scholarship. I sure hope this is close to the truth! 

 A long day... sigh. 

I definitely was the Chariot card, no question - strategizing the heck out of my near future. Still trying to, in a way. The Celebration card seems to have been more about my dad than me - he went off to see an old friend for the first time in a long time, at a baseball game, and was in a really cheerful mood. The Empress... well... I did water the garden, and I got my tarot cards the silk binding I've been promising them for a long time. Perhaps that has something to do with impregnating? 

I'll probably get offered a job at Amazon tomorrow. 

I've got a lot of feelings about it, mostly all expressed to my husband. He did say something interesting in response: that he was glad I was talking about these feelings AHEAD of time, instead of waiting until they caused issues. Which... usually I am pretty forward with my feelings... but now that he mentions it, not about work so much! So I guess this is a step forward. 

What's so hard about Amazon, is that it feels like such a step back. But the moment I said yes to the interview - and though I did so of my own free will, and I take responsibility for that - I was caught in the trap. It really does feel like Amazon hunted me down, and dug me out of my burrow, and is ready and eager, nay salivating, to devour my life energy. When will this fucking cancer cell of a company go bankrupt already??? Ugh, not until the entire economy of the USA swirls decisively down the toilet, I know that much. Amazon won't die until its host does, and hell, perhaps not even then, they've got their tendrils in so many places...

The job will not only involve me spending 8+ hours a day in front of screens again, but looking closely at the amazon.com interface (I quit Prime years ago, and haven't even opened the website since March 2020), in Japanese (a language I don't really use much anymore). Hey, it's like my old life has returned! Yay, "normalcy"! No, fuck normalcy. Fuck my old life and fuck the society that thinks it was fine. Fuck working in that human furnace, watching people break around me like so much overheated glass. Fuck their hideous architecture and fuck the spiral of cost inflation they kicked off there, that kicked us out from a region that had become our home, that swallowed up all my friends and scattered them to the four winds. Fuck their vigorous and unashamed raping of the entire Earth. Fuck Amazon. 

I hate myself a bit for assenting to this, frankly. And that divided will - the part of me that is saying "go ahead, this is not the worst outcome, your family needs the money" versus the part that is like "this company needs to die, how dare you do anything that helps it not to die, do you want to burn in hell" is what's causing the current round of angst. And back pain. My upper back is where the psychosomatic stuff hangs out. 

But I consented, and so to hell I must go. So... I have to come to terms with it somehow. 

I got myself through Amazon before, by hoping for something better on the other side of it, generally in a financial sense. I got the first contract to pay off the last of my student loans. The second one, I needed money to move in with Mike. The third, I needed to escape a worse previous job, and to pay for the marriage and honeymoon. The fourth, to save up money to move to Portland. But this will (probably) be the fifth. And what, specifically, am I doing it for? 

*deep breaths* So that I can get pregnant and quit working at all for the next year, minimum. Gods willing, this will be the last sacrifice necessary to bring my second child into this world. (Oh - and that's the Empress card explained, too.) 

I don't mind the working part of it - not really. It won't be pleasant, remote work is a spiritual and social nightmare, but knowing that there's a firm endpoint will help a lot. The type of person who works for Amazon is more social and cheerful than average, and I should get along pretty well with them, even though I'm going to have to choke down constantly noticing how mentally ill they all are (or are shortly going to be). I'm going to buy huge bolts of silk to hang over the screens for the hours I'm not working, to shield me from Amazon's egregore at least part of the time. I should be able to keep myself in decent health - knock on wood anyway - by getting a gym membership, which I'd been putting off due to cost. I need to be lifting at least twice a week, if I'm going to head into pregnancy in a state of proper health. I should be able to keep cooking, gardening, and saving - not having a commute is good for that, at least. I should be able to avoid vaccine pressure, too. 

...I'll keep working on coming to terms with it. I'm too exhausted to rack my brain any more tonight. 

Divination... 

Me: King of Hearts - ok Amazon for fuck's sake I get it

Situation: King of Diamonds - Happiness found in Nature or Spirituality

Outcome: King of Clubs (The Magician) Skill, Transformation

...I had to walk around for a few minutes after this one. 

First thought: OK, yeah, my cards are very happy with the silk wrap. They're literally talking to me right now. Like... as directly as they could without speaking in voices in my head.

Second third: My cards see me as male. That's not too surprising, all things considered. Each of these cards represents me. 

Third thought: "You will get the Amazon job. Take solace in your spiritual practice. This will be an opportunity for you to increase your skills and transform yourself." 

Fourth thought: I'll get the Amazon job, then spend the rest of the day outdoors, perhaps at a McMenamins. I will transform into an employed person. 

If this doesn't happen... I will have dodged a bullet. But - I am 99% sure it will. So... onward, into the breach. 

 Rushing through this while kid is playing loudly in the bath. 

I'd say the divination was accurate. It's too hot today for me to be comfortable... period. Nothing particularly exciting happened. There was no opponent and no game. I did finally work through some feelings I had about the cat's death in my last post, and I recognized while I was writing them out that I approached the issue of the cat much like the King of Spades card - powerful, effective, distant, masculine, with a sheathed sword. 

I have drawn the King of Spades/Emperor card more often than any other, I'm fairly sure. I think... it represents me. I have a very strong masculine and intellectual side, which I play down somewhat in most interactions (I also feel completely and comfortably female, for the record). But inside my head, I've always felt tipped more to the masculine than feminine. No doubt my naturally high testosterone levels underlie this. But of course, I think there is a spiritual side to it as well (my previous incarnation). 

In any case... let's pull some cards while my kid is still distracted. 

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - the card I literally just said was me

Situation: King of Hearts - Sensitivity and Creativity channeled into Professional Success

Outcome: 10 of Spades (Judgement) REVERSED - NO waking up, announcement

Gotta love how creepy tarot can be sometimes! Looks like I will be fully, unambiguously myself tomorrow. COOL BEANS. The King of Hearts card either represents Amazon directly (the man is actually standing in a big body of water??) or that I will have career success in some way. The reversed judgement card... is way, way more ambiguous. It could either mean "it won't be decided today" or "you won't be waking up from your shitty tech career after all" or... I don't know. I've never drawn this card before, so I will need to learn what it means for me. 

COOL. BEANS. 

 Getting this in before taking my kid to bed, I hope...

I read some conflicting information about the 3 of Spades reversed. According to the reference book, the 3 of Spades reversed actually represents the beginning of healing. And honestly... that's what it felt like today. I spent a delightful day in Portland with my son, the most relaxed and just plain nicest in a long time. Can it be that this city and I are reconciling?? I hardly dare hope. 

Also, the book defined the 7 of Hearts as "having many choices". I think that works - we had a lot of different trains to ride today, and I didn't make a solid plan ahead of time. But the "New Feelings" was also true... we went to a train museum (open yay!) and I thought, for the first time, that the big engines were truly beautiful. I was in awe of them, almost as much as my son.

And reversed 8 of Clubs seems to still be precisely what it was the last time - the "you are not getting a job today card", lol! The interview I had scheduled this morning didn't happen and I outright told another caller "Please call back tomorrow! I'm in charge of my kid!" 

Anyway, I'm going to mix the cards up vigorously, and see what tomorrow's trip to the dinosaur museum holds :)

Me: 7 of Hearts - Secrets, Imagination, New Feelings (and choices!)

Situation: King of Hearts - Sensitivity and Creativity Channeled into Professional Success (also a romantic-natured man)

Outcome: 7 of Diamonds (The Star) - Hope, Healing

This feels like a lovely reading :) I have decided on where we will go in the morning, but we might have choices in the afternoon. As for the King of Hearts, I wonder if I will have a phone call with a man like that? Hopefully not too romantic towards ME, lol! And I am grateful for the Outcome card, because my mother is coming tonight, and have a card like The Star shining over it suggests that it will be a good evening together with her, which is by no means guaranteed. 

I have a LOT more entries I need to write... but for now... time to get my kid to bed!

Zipping through this one too... bed calls! Luckily today was a really calm, non-extreme day :)

The Emperor: I did a preliminary job interview today, and I am so old hat at this now... Expertise was certainly what I projected into that interaction today. I felt calm and confident in all I did today, actually - it was pretty nice.

7 of Clubs reversed: I felt absolutely no need to beaver away and keep ahead of the pack today, and beavering, I did not do. I got plenty done... just, felt no need to do more.

The Moon: To my surprise, I not only had a complete short story pop into my mind out of the blue today - one which I will probably take a crack at writing down! - I was able to spend time actually pounding out an outline of both that story, and about 60% of another one. This is the first step in what might - it really might! - become an active writing blog! :) I think I wrote at length about it earlier... it's the one that would have both porn and religious stories, lol. I think that counts for Mystery and Instinct, even more so than I anticipated!

OK, let's see what the cards want to tell me for tomorrow.

Me: 7 of Spades (The Chariot) - A Triumph, A Breakthrough, An Inventive Solution

Situation: Ace of Diamonds (The World) - Peace, Travel, Open-Mindedness

Outcome: King of Hearts - Sensitivity and Creativity Channeled into Professional Success

This seems like another nice reading! :) Let's tell a story: I have a breakthrough on my stories, and how to get them into real life and not just in my head. I have a peaceful, quiet day in which I travel (mentally) to far away times and places while writing. By the end of it... I have a real professional success - at least in my Craft profession of writing - because I have made so much progress.

May it be so!

A quick review!

I feel like getting the Hierophant was, in the end, a warning - a warning not to go back on what I declared before the gods. I deleted my brief summary of the issue I'd promised I would not talk about again, and continue to let it be water off my back :) Had a pretty nice day overall as a result!

I'm a bit confused about the Tower card, but perhaps the fact that I had a genuine and happy turning towards being social (sent off a message to a group that wants to meet up! <3) whereas I had been feeling "I have no choice but to stay alone, for my own safety..." was a small example of type. Also, I felt a bit cheerful about potentially continuing with an interview process, instead of sullen dread. Another nice change of pace!

The Sun - for the first time, I put in print that I am "moving towards being a stay-at-home mom for a while." That's definitely a new life for me. I have thought for a decade that it would be a terrible choice. But right now... it seems most days like the best possible path. We will see! Also if that interview goes much further, it could mark the beginning of that.

Daily div!

Me: Ace of Spades - Focus, Clarity

Situation: King of Hearts - Sensitivity and Creativity channeled into Professional Success

Outcome: 7 of Hearts - Secrets, Imagination, New Feelings

First thought: Hooray! I'm going to actually get stuff done tomorrow! :) I don't know what the King of Hearts event will be - perhaps it will come out of all my job hunt stuff. Perhaps it will be as simple as completing my job hunt stuff, lol. And the new feelings... will my libido finally come back?? LOL! Hoping to leave the drama behind (finally, there are no Major Arcana... WHEW) and have a nice, productive day tomorrow :)