During the hour of Jupiter, in a waxing moon in the sign of Cancer, I completed the self-initiation ritual of Candidacy in the AODA.
As you can see from the picture above, I chose to do it outdoors, in my backyard, on a white-painted table. I decided against draping it with a white cloth because where I am right now the grass is bone-dry, and I didn't want to add to the fire risk. (I also prepared a bucket of water, and put it the west side of the table.) I lit cedar incense in a burner for the first time ever, getting it started as I set up the altar. I draped myself in my unprepared robe (just a piece of shirtcloth I had cut a hole in for my head, kind of like a ghost costume) and put the yellow cord on the eastern part of the table.
I had read through the ceremony several times before starting, but I read it again silently as I went through the phases. Wherever it asked me to speak, I spoke aloud.
There was an interesting juxtaposition for the guide - I very much heard the words read in the current Archdruid's voice (a woman a few years older than me, American accent, etc), but I visualized a very old man, dressed in an unbleached robe, eyes blind, with a long and scraggly white beard, a crown of mistletoe draping down the sides of his head. He accompanied me, mouth not opening and eyes not blinking, for the first half of the ritual, though I completed it on my own.
The first two parts of the ceremony, I spent a fair bit of time contemplating my intentions, as the ritual requests. I asked myself, and not-myself, several times whether or not I was ready to do this. Whether this was appropriate for me.
What resonated with me - what grounded me in my assent to those questions, and made me calm - was the word "Knowledge". I absolutely wish to walk a path of knowledge, even if that knowledge isn't always pleasant or easy.
I don't believe that I've written more than a little bit about the, well,
religious part of my... awakening? I've been using the word 'enlightenment'... earlier this year. I remembered a past life, which opened my mind to a dimension beyond the material. But I also perceived, almost in a flash, a universal system that enwrapped all human beings on Earth, with two parts: karma, and the option of walking a path "forward". The underpinning was reincarnation - any given soul will be incarnated as many times as is necessary/they choose. The conditions of each new life will be affected by karma incurred from past lives. Justice is perfect, in all the wonderful and all the terrible ways that phrase implies. All those who steal will be stolen from, all those who abuse will be abused, and on down the line. In this vision, free will is the linchpin - all choices made, knowingly or unknowingly, one will be held responsible for. Suffering is the instructor - the blowback from poor choices are visited upon the soul as often as is necessary to inform them of right and wrong. And the "reward" - perhaps the point? - is knowledge. All the lessons of being in a human incarnation must be learned, one after the other (and though all the lessons of Christianity are among them, they by no means encompass all of them), and karma ensures that opportunities to master each one are laid in front of us. Once one has knowledge, one can step more deftly amidst the strands of karma. And in those steps, the path forms.
Also, I sense that there exists an immense loving power in the universe, which watches over us at all times - but its interpretation of love and ours is not the same, and we don't always feel it as love. Some souls need its care more than others, and some souls need it more at some times than others. I don't have a name for it, and I don't think that its existence disproves the existence of other gods, spirits, etc. I have been touched by it a few times, and have nothing but gratitude for the experience. But I have no illusions that in the end, I must do the work. This power can support, it can even guide, but it cannot take away the responsibility.
I don't know what the end point of the path is - I only have a vague sense that a soul "leaves". I also feel, though, that it isn't important. Like I can't possibly understand what's beyond the end, and I can only guess that I will have another path to walk that's as different from this one as this one is from the path I walked "before".
What was especially wonderful about this realization, was that in a flash, every action of every other human being on Earth became "okay". Not that evil stopped being evil, or mistakes stopped being mistakes, but that I saw them in their whole context. Each soul is learning its lesson at its own pace, and every choice merely brings them towards either a positive or negative reinforcement. It was incredibly relaxing to realize that I don't need to "fix" anyone else. If advice is asked for, of course I can offer it, but my words are useless compared to the lessons karma is winding up to teach them. And, for most souls, only the extreme suffering of karma is able to instruct them appropriately. My own soul is no different. I've gone through my own chunk of karma over the past few years, no advice could have kept it from me, and more may well be on its way. The key point being that all we have meaningful control over in this existence are
our own choices. So my focus must always be first and foremost on
my actions, because that's what moves
me forward along the path, and avoids racking up extra karma through narcissistic meddling. What I need to extend to other souls, in most cases, is
empathy. Not fixing! I was once where they are now, in most cases, and I learned my own lessons the hard way, as they must in turn.
Even though this felt an awful lot like enlightenment (just without the flashy lights and trippy stuff, which doesn't really appeal to me anyway) I also realized instantaneously that it changed absolutely nothing about my life. This might just be a me thing - the incredible privilege of having a previous incarnation that did so much work already - but I had already been less-consciously living my life along these principles. I referred to it as the "being able to look in the mirror" rule; specifically, that I always make the best possible choice available to me, so that I could retain self-respect no matter the outcome. Understanding the answer to all the major spiritual questions humans tend to ask just meant that... I still needed to figure out how best to deal with my terrible job, balance out my difficult family, love my husband, and raise my child. Because
they are the point. The point of life is to solve the exact problems that are laid in front of you in the course of it. No more, no less.
One particular Zen koan nails it: "Before enlightenment--chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment--chop wood, carry water."
I went on a bit there (I'm awfully tired) but knowledge is what I choose to seek, and the path of knowledge is the one I desire to walk once more in this life.
I returned to the altar for the third part of the ritual, tied my belt, and began to light the candles/do the SOP as was in the instructions. And here was where we ran into a few issues...
First, despite being a hot day, it was also a bit windy. The first three candles I lit (Air, Fire, Water) stayed lit throughout - the Earth candle had to be relit a few times - and then the Spirit Below/Above/Within candles were immediately blown out. The incense also ran out after the Fire candle - next time, I'll bring a backup! (Interestingly enough I think this was when my guide departed as well - not least because I was distracted.) Also, I think I may have learned a lesson or two about doing a long intensive ritual at the peak heat of the day in direct sunlight... I finally gave in to the situation on the ground and dragged my altar table into a more protected location.
At this point, I was going through match after match trying to relight the three central candles, which kept blowing out. (I also note that, coincidentally, I was having trouble with the exact elements that I have yet to add into my daily SOP...Earth is the one I'm currently working through...) At one point I shouted "PLEASE, let me complete the ritual, PLEASE!" And then a voice inside me said "It will be how it will be." I calmed down immediately, managed to light the last candle with one of the last matches, and completed the ritual without any more problems.
The last thing worth mentioning is that during the last rounds of ritual questions, I was able to submit to the idea that the AODA might reject my curriculum plans, in which case I would have to draw up new ones. I accepted this potential outcome and vowed to go forward and complete a different curriculum if necessary.
Since it's so late, I will do my divination as well. I am not quite sure why I was the King of Hearts today, but there's a sense of navigating a stormy sea (the King is drawn as a ship captain) that seems about right. The ceremony didn't go perfectly smoothly, but it did what it needed to do. And I guess I felt pretty mystical today, both at points during the ceremony, and as I wrote down my reflections. Let's get tomorrow's cards and go to bed.
Me: 3 of Clubs - Efforts Rewarded, Success in Business
Situation: 9 of Hearts - Selfishness, Excess
Outcome: Queen of Clubs - Confidence, Strength
I am OK with this outcome - I feel like I worked through a lot over the past few days, so efforts rewarded it is! I'll need to keep an eye out for selfish behavior, or any variety of "too much", but I'd be glad to go into the end of the day feeling strong. And on that note... time for BED.
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