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Let me be the first to acknowledge how late this is in coming... My work went a little crazy starting right before Samhain, and is only now calming down. My feelings about working late, late hours in the evening to try and coax Chinese and Indian teams to complete work that I only barely understand, which they are so new at they barely understand any better than me, could fill some paragraphs. But let's move on...
I had intended to do the ceremony late on the evening of Oct. 31, but I ended up going into the office and working past 9 PM instead. So I took the following (Monday) morning off and did the ceremony on the proper day, Nov. 1, around 11 AM. I had a lot of feelings about the late night, as it had come as a bit of a surprise, and also the sure-to-be-tense late night meeting on Monday that was upcoming. Oh! And also, I was ill - really I should have been taking a sick day instead of doing any work at all, but the situation was in full meltdown and I felt that I had no choice. So I had a hard time fully focusing.
Nevertheless, I got out my kid's table (which is easy to walk around), moved all the furniture out of the way, decorated it with fall leaves, and set up incense/candles/cups of salt and water. I poured a bit of absinthe and realized last moment I needed some evergreen... eep!... I broke off a leaf of kale from the garden as a substitute. I wore my Druid robe and put up my hair. Finally, I opened the door to the balcony, because it seemed wrong to have no interaction with the weather outside. That was half a mistake - I still feel that the ceremony doesn't mean much if actual nature doesn't participate - but there were so many cars driving past at that time, that it served as a source of constant distraction. I'm about 200% over this apartment, can you tell? Goddamn IKEA plastic box building....
BUT ANYWAY. I prepared everything, lit the incense, and held the book in one hand while performing the ceremony. At current rate I will memorize the Sun Path rituals roughly a year from the first one I did, which, that seems about correct. It went smoothly, with the only disruption being the cars constantly and loudly driving by, which really were pretty awful. For previously mentioned reasons, my focus wasn't great, but I did get a glimpse of Ceridwen - messy gray hair and a blue cloak with stars hovering above a black void, with two small white lights shining out like eyes. But she was no more present than Esus had been, and faded quickly away.
It's been long enough that I don't remember much else from the ceremony... again, though, the most intense feeling of frustration shines through my remaining memories. This is not really where I want to be living. This is not really the schedule I want to be working. This is not the career I want to have anymore, to the degree that it ever was. I have had several conversations with my husband letting him know that at most, I will push through until next August-ish, and then... I am (hopefully) going to have my second baby not too long after, and take some serious time off from ALL paid work. Between the baby and taking my older kid out of daycare, which financially we'll have to do, I'll be working like a dog - but not for money. We'll be burning through our savings, no doubt, but if it will give me more time... I just want time. I just want time to live for myself and my family, and not for this worthless corporation which will dissolve into thin air the moment China makes a puff of military breath in Taiwan's direction.
The new "Papers Please" society that is rapidly taking shape here in the PNW - the cherry on top of the horrific rise in the cost of living - is just one more factor that puts my teeth on edge. Whatever my vaccination status, or that of my kids, I just do not want to live in this sort of authoritarian nastiness long term. (If I wasn't trying to have a baby next year, we would already be planning a move - I would actively be packing!! Fortunately my husband feels the same, and we are revving up a 5-year plan to move to a different region together.) I can wait out COVID hysteria - eventually people will return to normal behavior, because people always return to normal behavior. In many ways, it's already happening, and thank goodness for that! But I don't believe for a second that once this citizenship-checking/revoking power has been grabbed onto by our government/upper class who call themselves liberals, that it will ever be relinquished. I'm just grateful that the authoritarianism-creep is slower in Oregon vs. my old home state of Washington. But we will be visiting family there for all the holidays this year, so I will be forced back across the border. I'm ready to leave Seattle behind forever, but family (in-laws) tie us down for just a bit longer. I definitely feel the tight-rope - the careful walk across the void. My trips to Seattle are on a countdown clock. All my friends who remained there have transformed into monsters. If my mother-in-law ever leaves the area... that will be the end. I will go eastward, and never look back.
Best to end this with a look forward to the next holiday - the Winter Solstice. The rest of my family will probably be up in Seattle by the 18th, but I won't have the ability to join them that early due to work. This will at least make sure that the apartment is quiet - I will be doing it in the evening, when there should be fewer cars driving past. I wonder if I should do it in a park? It would depend on the weather. I will have local wine as the offering (PS, absinthe tastes terrible, lol). I think... it will be quiet, and meditative. I hope so. I am ready for the deep quiet of the darkest part of the year.
I had intended to do the ceremony late on the evening of Oct. 31, but I ended up going into the office and working past 9 PM instead. So I took the following (Monday) morning off and did the ceremony on the proper day, Nov. 1, around 11 AM. I had a lot of feelings about the late night, as it had come as a bit of a surprise, and also the sure-to-be-tense late night meeting on Monday that was upcoming. Oh! And also, I was ill - really I should have been taking a sick day instead of doing any work at all, but the situation was in full meltdown and I felt that I had no choice. So I had a hard time fully focusing.
Nevertheless, I got out my kid's table (which is easy to walk around), moved all the furniture out of the way, decorated it with fall leaves, and set up incense/candles/cups of salt and water. I poured a bit of absinthe and realized last moment I needed some evergreen... eep!... I broke off a leaf of kale from the garden as a substitute. I wore my Druid robe and put up my hair. Finally, I opened the door to the balcony, because it seemed wrong to have no interaction with the weather outside. That was half a mistake - I still feel that the ceremony doesn't mean much if actual nature doesn't participate - but there were so many cars driving past at that time, that it served as a source of constant distraction. I'm about 200% over this apartment, can you tell? Goddamn IKEA plastic box building....
BUT ANYWAY. I prepared everything, lit the incense, and held the book in one hand while performing the ceremony. At current rate I will memorize the Sun Path rituals roughly a year from the first one I did, which, that seems about correct. It went smoothly, with the only disruption being the cars constantly and loudly driving by, which really were pretty awful. For previously mentioned reasons, my focus wasn't great, but I did get a glimpse of Ceridwen - messy gray hair and a blue cloak with stars hovering above a black void, with two small white lights shining out like eyes. But she was no more present than Esus had been, and faded quickly away.
It's been long enough that I don't remember much else from the ceremony... again, though, the most intense feeling of frustration shines through my remaining memories. This is not really where I want to be living. This is not really the schedule I want to be working. This is not the career I want to have anymore, to the degree that it ever was. I have had several conversations with my husband letting him know that at most, I will push through until next August-ish, and then... I am (hopefully) going to have my second baby not too long after, and take some serious time off from ALL paid work. Between the baby and taking my older kid out of daycare, which financially we'll have to do, I'll be working like a dog - but not for money. We'll be burning through our savings, no doubt, but if it will give me more time... I just want time. I just want time to live for myself and my family, and not for this worthless corporation which will dissolve into thin air the moment China makes a puff of military breath in Taiwan's direction.
The new "Papers Please" society that is rapidly taking shape here in the PNW - the cherry on top of the horrific rise in the cost of living - is just one more factor that puts my teeth on edge. Whatever my vaccination status, or that of my kids, I just do not want to live in this sort of authoritarian nastiness long term. (If I wasn't trying to have a baby next year, we would already be planning a move - I would actively be packing!! Fortunately my husband feels the same, and we are revving up a 5-year plan to move to a different region together.) I can wait out COVID hysteria - eventually people will return to normal behavior, because people always return to normal behavior. In many ways, it's already happening, and thank goodness for that! But I don't believe for a second that once this citizenship-checking/revoking power has been grabbed onto by our government/upper class who call themselves liberals, that it will ever be relinquished. I'm just grateful that the authoritarianism-creep is slower in Oregon vs. my old home state of Washington. But we will be visiting family there for all the holidays this year, so I will be forced back across the border. I'm ready to leave Seattle behind forever, but family (in-laws) tie us down for just a bit longer. I definitely feel the tight-rope - the careful walk across the void. My trips to Seattle are on a countdown clock. All my friends who remained there have transformed into monsters. If my mother-in-law ever leaves the area... that will be the end. I will go eastward, and never look back.
Best to end this with a look forward to the next holiday - the Winter Solstice. The rest of my family will probably be up in Seattle by the 18th, but I won't have the ability to join them that early due to work. This will at least make sure that the apartment is quiet - I will be doing it in the evening, when there should be fewer cars driving past. I wonder if I should do it in a park? It would depend on the weather. I will have local wine as the offering (PS, absinthe tastes terrible, lol). I think... it will be quiet, and meditative. I hope so. I am ready for the deep quiet of the darkest part of the year.