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 Want to get more sleep tonight... let's review quickly. 

Me: Yes, I became more comfortable through hard work - I put in the time and learned a bunch at work today, and regained kudos from the manager to boot. 

Situation: Yep, I was creative for sure - I managed to do a whole day of work AND finish up getting our lease paperwork arranged and signed. Go meeeee.

Outcome: I think I got the Queen of Spades again as a notification that I didn't quite get it right yesterday. Too tired to go into it, but what I'm learning right now is the hard limit of multi-generational family living. I had quite a gauzy view of it in 2019. Now I've got a good hard dose of its reality. If I ever do this again in the future... I will need to approach it in an entirely different way, with zero sentimentality whatsoever. That feels like the appropriate karmic lesson to take away. 

Let's divinate...

Me: Ace of Clubs (Strength) REVERSED - not very strong, tough love, sticking up for one's rights

Situation: 10 of Diamonds REVERSED - instability in a family caused by taking risks

Outcome: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) REVERSED - rushed for time

Yeah... I don't even know if I need to write out the narrative. Me feeling weak after this long, terrible week. Our family up until now officially breaking apart, with us younger ones forced to take a huge financial risk. And feeling wrung out and rushed with all the things we need to do... ah well. Could it ever be otherwise? To bed, to bed.

 Let's get this done! I know it will only be for a half-day, but weirdly enough, I feel like I need the support! ^^;

Me: I need to meditate on what the word "flow" means. Looking at my other source, it mentions "block in emotional connection." All I can connect it to, is me girding my emotional loins yesterday and this morning to solve, as best as is possible, my relationships with my former best friend and my mother-in-law. Which I did with as much efficiency and skill as I could muster. Crying about it wouldn't have worked - logic had to be first and foremost. 

The email to Ericka only took ten minutes. Most of that work had already been done. Because I am trying to maintain some level of mutual respect with my mother-in-law, thought, I rewrote the email from scratch three times. First time I was kind of legalistic and snotty, second time was a raw primal scream of grief and betrayal, and the third time (this morning, not yesterday, maybe that's the thing) I hit upon a tone where I clearly explained my logic, drew my boundaries gently but unequivocally, and emphasized over and over again my deep grief that we've found ourselves in this situation. But also with an underlying message: I am an adult, and you cannot order me to do anything. Trying to wave about your money will only make me more determined. As an adult, I will accept whatever the cost of my choices happens to be, but I am NOT a child, and the more you insist on things going your way or the highway the farther away I will pull... and I will take your son and grandchildren with me. 

I went on a tangent in the middle that was not really a tangent - expressing to her my legitimate feelings about whether or not I even want to raise children in this society as it currently is, whether following middle-class norms was even worth it anymore, and asking her opinion directly: how far away does she think we would have to go in order to find a society where children can laugh and play together, where neighbors drop by, and where people relax in community? I compared my son's life unfavorably to the Hispanic immigrant kids in the low-income apartments. Because while he has many privileges compared to them, I honest to god think they might have better lives overall right now. She's a smart woman and I think she'll catch the message. And if our family up and leaves this region within the next few years... she can't claim any surprise. 

Situation: Yeah, opposite of community is right. I spent most of my emotional energy on effectively cutting back two very deep ties (though we will still maintain contact with my mother-in-law, at least for now). I did drop off a bag of plums downtown for someone so that was a small reprieve from the grim task <3

Outcome: I did what I had to do. 

OK, let's get a divination going, so that I can reorient myself to the stuff I still need to do today. 

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - me

Situation: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) REVERSED - no balance and moderation today, alas

Outcome: 5 of Hearts REVERSED - "This card deals specifically with recovery from grief"

The process of this divination was a bit of a mess - I went into my room to have some privacy, and then stomped around for about 30 minutes while waves of rage (excuse me, PURE RAGE) passed over me. That explains the Me card from the other day, LOL! The RAGE was what I was so carefully, so determinedly holding back. The RAGE that people who profess to love and care for me don't care about whether or not I even give them a second grandchild or not. The RAGE that they would kill my baby, and maybe even me, just to... what? Preserve their ability to watch more Netflix? Believe that they're such a good person? The RAGE, as I guess I've already explored the sadness, that everything I thought I could reasonably expect from elders and fully-grown adults, they have failed to provide. But... eh. Once it passed, it passed. I've been working through these concepts for a while, lol! I'm trying to fold it into "Project: Become A Better Matriarch". I keep being given all these lessons! I'm so grateful!! LOL!!!

I checked the news afterwards to give myself a break (lol, can you imagine) and noted that CNN is announcing the vaccines have no effect on the Delta variant and that the Wall Street Journal is recommending ivermectin. So let the fireworks begin, I guess. 

Anyway, this reading suggests that I am spending today in my power (so far, super true), that things will be really up and down (so far, super true) and that I will find healing and rest in some form by the end of the day. I'll take it!

 I noticed that I ended up double posting yesterday - oops! I guess anyone happening to read got a double dose of what I hope, I PRAY, was my personal peak of Crazytown 2021. Today both was and was not a crazytown day. I'll go with not - I'm pretty calm right now, and I believe that I have achieved closure on the two biggest issues haunting me this last month. To explain...

I went on a nice long 4-mile walk this AM, to give me time to think over everything that happened last weekend. And--bless my mind, that idea machine that churns out a thousand possibilities a day if I let it--I finally recognized a workable, respectful solution to COVID vaccine hysteria. 

The following phrase popped into my head: "Schrödinger's vaccine". I don't quite know where it came from, but I recognized the implications immediately. Namely, that from this point onward no one else should ever know whether or not I have received the vaccine, aside from me and possibly my doctor. That would include my mother-in-law, my father, my mother, my extended family, my work, any establishment that might ask me for any form of a vaccine passport or be overly pushy about whether or not I am wearing a mask, and even my own husband (mostly to keep him safe from prying questions from other entities on the list).  This isn't going to completely eliminate how I've become a lightning rod for others to project their own anxieties upon - but it suggests, thankfully, a path towards wrapping this crap up. 

"I'm worried about having another baby" didn't work (amazing! but this culture has been one of death for a while); "Please respect my body, my choice" didn't work (so ironic from those who have championed abortion rights, but hey, we're in the Upside Down now); but strict adherence to this method allows me to fall back on the steel foundation of medical privacy. It is a more "male"-identified concern, too, which sadly helps in this case (and to think I'll be using this tack against at least a few avowed feminists! the craziness of these times!!). I join myself also with the larger "don't tread on me!" crowd, which, whatever my personal aversions to how that philosophy is often expressed, is the heritage of my country, almost to the point of wrapping my dissent in the flag. The country can still provide me this much, at least. God Bless America!

How long will I follow this policy? FOREVER. Or at least until COVID is no longer a concern to the wider society in any way whatsoever, amen.

Here's the nitty-gritty, as I have figured it out thus far: Before I attend any meetings of groups that I have a previous connection with, I will continue to disclose upfront, but only that I am "Schrödinger's vaccinated". I.e., that I refuse on the principle of medical privacy to disclose whether or not I am vaccinated, to ANYONE, not even my own husband! So given that I will never release that information, I then leave it up to the organization/people whether or not they would like me to be there. If they would prefer not - or if they request this bullshit of wearing a mask in a way that would put a very obvious Kick Me sign on my face - I'm out. I will accept that I can no longer participate. For neutral places/new groups, I will scrupulously follow all requests that are made up front, and am happy to wear a mask at the request of the staff/government if it is posted on the front door. This includes places like transit and hospitals, which, I completely understand why they want the mask a little longer. I will limit my protest strictly to my own person - the better to make it more powerful. 

This still creates inconvenience and upheaval in my life, of course, but I'd already accepted that when I decided not to be a liar. I'm in a situation where, for better or worse, I still need to interact with others. But I feel deeply right now that I need to fight for my child--in a way women of my race and class haven't had to do for generations--with as much determination and intelligence and cunning as I can possibly manage, to bring them forth into incarnation and into my arms. To fight like this requires both a shield and a sword. Schrödinger's vaccination can become my shield--my uncompromising will to carry forward this small personal protest for as many YEARS as I have to, and to accept uncomplainingly all limitations laid upon me as a result, will be my sword. 

And there's one more part to this, too. I'm deeply frustrated and furious over this situation, both in the country in general, and within my own social circle. I am aware that I have... a strong will. And a mind on the sharper side of things. And when I find myself caught up in a situation that I not only feel, but know to be some form of injustice, I get extremely pissed, in an "icy fury" way. Which I recognize as dangerous, to both those around me and my own self. I need to channel these particular emotions in a direction where I can both appropriately express and process them, and don't cause collateral damage in the process. Because... in my own way, I'm risking getting just as inappropriately emotional about this as my mother-in-law.

After all, there are situations - my lovely mind has sketched several out for me already - where getting the vaccination ends up being the best path forward! Just because the current data/this society hasn't yet provided me with them doesn't mean they can't arise in the future. And the pattern I recognized myself getting caught up in this morning was "How DARE you try to tell me what to do!" If I let myself fall into that, I will refuse to get a vaccine going forward for any reason whatsoever, even if it would be better for me and my child's safety. I can't allow that. I need to keep a clear head about this, no matter what the cost. I know that a life could be riding on it. 

As soon as I have the strength, I will write to my mother-in-law directly to explain this new policy. We'll go from there. 

Which means of course, that even on this blog... I am now officially Schrödinger's vaccinated :) I will never write specifically about my vaccination status here ever again - merely how others are or are not reacting well to my disclosure. I've learned the hard way why our ancestors made medical privacy a right... and I'm going to do my level best to uphold it. 

OK, so that should get me as close to peace as is possible with the vaccine madness. In addition, Avery Denison called back and offered me the job.

Since I've already hashed out most of my emotions about the position and its conditions - and the remaining ones are immensely calmed by the new Schrödinger's vaccine policy, mainly because now I know what to expect in my near to medium-term future - I accepted the position. I made sure to take an hour before accepting and do an incredibly in-depth SOP before I called back with the acceptance, though. I had so many internal conversation between various parts of my own self during that hour, I think I could get a diagnosis if I phrased things to the doctor in just the right way.... ^^; 

• I asked my Mind if it was ready to commit itself to learning the business of Avery Denison for a minimum of 8 hours a day. It was a bit hesitant, until I let it know that we could take the Candidate Year at a slower pace than a year if necessary. We will continue to make progress on it, that's not negotiable, but we can moderate it depending on how difficult the Avery Denison work turns out to be. 
• I felt, for the first time in a while, the fires of my Will combining together upon a single path. I got emotional - I am so very grateful for the strength and power of my Will. When it is united and focused I can do astonishing things. I taught myself fluent Japanese in my teenage years; I restarted my career from ashes in an entirely new field with no related education or certification; I have a happy and respectful marriage despite my own parents being an example of the opposite. It needs to be channeled and well-informed, of course, and without my Heart in it I now know that it barely flickers. But it's a tremendous power in its own right, and it underlies most of what I have achieved in this life.
• I reached out to my Heart to ask if it was OK with this. It isn't happy, per se, but we agreed that these conditions are worth enduring, and I promised it that we wouldn't be staggering through situations unsure if the people around us feared us, hated us, wanted to hurt us and risk our baby's life, any more. That has been the hardest on my Heart. But now, we are going to take back control of the situation, understand that we are following the best possible path at any given time, and actively find our way to calmer and saner human connections. 
• I chatted with my Body a bit as I've become accustomed to doing (the Body is sassy, I have discovered). It doesn't love being in a room with screens for 8 hours. But, it likes the walk, it likes that we will take more structured breaks, and it demands - demands!! - that I keep going to the gym on a regular basis. OK, Body, you get to call the shots for a little while! 
• I don't yet do the Spirit Below/Above part of the SOP. I am taking it very... very... slow. I'm feeling like I'm ready to finally learn them soon, though. 

You know what? Today was a preposterously eventful day. I didn't even mention the event where three contracting companies all ended up submitting me for the same position at Nike, mostly without my consent, and were arguing the situation with me by phone and email. SHEESH, WHEN CAN THE DRAMA END. But I feel, finally... that it might be soon :)

The divination seems accurate - I moved toward a new life, I achieved both material and emotional/spiritual comfort through hard work and persistence, and at the end of the day, I felt a powerful bond between internal and external, in discovering a new way that I can productively deal with the crazy of the moment. I need to get tomorrow's reading done and go to bed, though!

Me: 6 of Diamonds - Charity, Harmony, Cooperation, "being/seeking fairness"

Situation: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) - Balance, Moderation "The timing is good for progress, but the Seeker must be willing to compromise on some details." 

Outcome: Ace of Clubs (Strength) REVERSED - NOT overcoming desire, building trust, or courage "If possible, the Seeker should be willing to postpone any serious decisions, avoid conflicts, and feel emotionally stronger before tackling this problem head on." 

So... I'm reading that I should NOT write that email to my mother-in-law tomorrow. Good to know! The rest of them, well, we'll just have to see how this all goes. I'm quite tired - to bed!

 Another on-point divination - I mean, perhaps I should just take it as a given at this point? Perhaps, but then again, I am still in the learning phase, so I guess I'll keep stating the obvious for a bit longer...

I had focus and clarity today - not at my peak capacity, not by any means, but the intense emotions receded like the tide and let my mind work again. It also helped that I spent today giving my body exactly what it wanted, which first and foremost was a 3-hour nap first thing in the morning (AMAZING). I didn't have enough energy to go to the gym, but hopefully soon :)

My Situation card seems to have been related to the nice long period in the afternoon where I stitched the collar of my Druid robe (belatedly) and watched at least an hour of DVD content on English cathedrals. York is a beautiful place that God is clearly angry at (the cathedral has burned catastrophically three (!) times in the last 200 years, including in 1984 from lightning). Canterbury seems to have had less divine anger in modern times - I wonder if Saint Thomas is keeping an eye on things down there? 

Finally, I got a call from the HR person at Avery Denison saying that... everything was fine! They were still going forward with the offer, and so long as I wore a mask constantly while inside the office and sat a certain distance away from all the other employees, there would be no problem! And as soon as I got the vaccine and submitted them the paperwork proving I had done so, then we could wrap all those requirements up!!

Heh... the good thing about going through every single possibility in your head before taking an action, is that you're not as surprised by the outcome (usually). I have imagined those exact conditions already, and decided that I can handle them. The only thing that would be unbearable is if my new coworkers considered me to have betrayed them. And, now that I've disclosed, there ought to be several chances yet to come for the offer to be derailed if that's the honest opinion of the workers... Avery Denison does seem to be respectful of its employees overall. I'd be fine if that happened, as well. 

I could hold off and look for a remote job to avoid all this shit - but honestly I detest remote work more than I can say (or write). Even as the member of the office with a "kick-me" sign on their back (figuratively... I hope) I will be able to take a nice walk through the city every day and night, and to see other people's faces and hear them talking, at least. It'll be like being in a Japanese office with a cold... forever! And let's not forget the offhand comment about how companies are now keeping people's personal medical information on hand... lol. Sooner or later an excuse will be found to get rid of me. But before then? I can make money and save it - the pay is solidly middle-class, they have cheap medical insurance, and I just might make it all the way to getting to use the paid maternity leave... before they figure out how to knife me from behind. I went through this with my last baby, so I already understand what to expect. It's the American dream! I've made it!! Ha ha ha...

Today in annals of "things I never thought I would say and truly mean": I eagerly look forward to being forced to become a stay-at-home mom. Can't come soon enough!

Just as the Outcome card said, though, I also feel that I have put down the burden. I've done my due diligence, per the insane rules of modern society as I best understand them. Now... it's time to let them figure out their own path forward, and to live less stressfully. 

And on that note, let's get the divination for tomorrow done. 

Me: Jack of Hearts - Thoughts coming to the surface, contemplation

Situation: 2 of Clubs - A Passionate Conversation, A Debate

Outcome: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) REVERSED - "Reversed, in the Outcome position, Temperance shows that the matter at hand will create continued frustration because there are elements involved so diverse, so fundamentally at odds with each other that they cannot be blended into a new whole. Vacillation, going back and forth on a matter are also indicated."

Well... this is just great, as a prediction for the day the offer will probably come :/ I almost feel like I can't bear it anymore but... this is a clear sign that all the drama is not yet over. We've got at least one more day for me to stay on my toes. Well... so be it. For tonight, I am headed to bed. 

 Super tired tonight - let's get this divinated, so that I can sleep!

I felt pretty wonderful all[-in-all today - The Lovers was right! Mike was also very happy with me, becausssssse...

7 of Hearts reversed means "a decision was made." After a few calls this morning, I am speeding like a freight train towards a second-round interview with a company that would be within walking distance of my house! They make labels - a real thing needed in the real world. I made the decision in a split second, that this would be something I would pursue, something good, the very opposite of the Amazon job. I stayed up tonight refreshing my SQL skills to prepare! 

Now - Justice Reversed. I'm still not entirely sure what this was, so I will have to keep thinking on it. I wonder... is it because I am potentially getting a good job dropped in my lap (we'll see), whereas my good friend Cory I talked with tonight is considering going back to school and taking out loans to escape his own bad job? Is it me towards this job - which should I get I will leave, probably, after I get pregnant enough? Is it that I asked Mike to take Grayson to bed? I dunno... I will keep thinking on it. 

Divination... let's see what the cards think about tomorrow, shall we? 

Me: Jack of Hearts - Unconscious thoughts coming to the surface, contemplation

Situation: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) - Balance, Moderation

Outcome: 6 of Hearts (The Lovers) - Love, Beauty, Union

A sweep of hearts today! I think my emotions will be well-represented tomorrow :) The Jack of Hearts is definitely me - listening to my intuition tomorrow, I hope. Temperance is a good reminder - make sure that everything is done honestly and cleanly, so that both I and the employer can feel confident that we're making the right choice. And... is this a positive sign for the job? Or maybe just from the photo shoot Mike also wants to do tomorrow! Either one is good by me. And now... to bed...

Today was a really... relaxed day, all in all. Tomorrow probably won't be. But we'll get there...

I am really interested in what The Emperor means to me, as I've drawn this card several times now. According to my tarot book, it is related to being a strong and effective male in charge. Uh... does that make me "Daddy"? ;) But I find myself focusing in on the goat head (mystery, mysticism) and the sheathed sword. I regularly get what I would call authoritative impulses, which fortunately I can channel into giving a lecture to the tomatoes nowadays, which is where they belong. While I was ostensibly out there getting ready to do the SOP, I took 20 minutes to lecture on local native American history to an imaginary classroom instead. I've always wished that I could be a teacher of... well, literally anything. And I'd be the first to admit that my intellect leans masculine. (Possibly because my soul has a strong memory of my previous incarnation.) To have wisdom, which I sometimes feel I do, should be enough, but for my ego it isn't quite enough. I work hard to temper the frankly counter-productive impulse to tell other people that they're wrong, which fortunately I'm actually wise enough to know - intellectually - is a bad and counterproductive thing to do. But, it's a struggle sometimes! LOL. I understand that there's a process I yet need to go through, though - that I need to be stronger, in a variety of interpretations. I'm not yet qualified. I think I'm working on that, though. I hope so. 

I bring it up because it's the closest thing I've been able to associate with this card a couple times in a row now.  It'll be interesting to see if that association continues. 

I've suddenly realized that the Queen of Diamonds was probably referencing - yesterday too! - the damn book report I just completed. It was a very in-depth review of a book that focused on every possible aspect of the river that is central to the wide valley that I live in. I understand SO much more about the geography of my own home now! That's a dead-ringer for Mastery, not control of Nature :)

And... I did indeed send out those emails! :) Charity and harmony and brunch offered! And prepared as well as I could for the next three days which I will be spending with my son. And on that note...

Me: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) - Balance, Moderation

Situation: King of Clubs (The Magician) - Skill, Transformation

Outcome: 9 of Diamonds (The Hermit) - Sacrifice without Regret, Self-Care

All three major arcana, and very different from the cards I've been drawing... here comes a different type of day! ^^;

I also see how it's gonna go, sigh. I'll be very patient and we'll have a pretty good day (skill will be at hand to make things fun for Grayson), but by the end of it I'll be wiped. Uh oh, I have two more days after this... but we'll figure that out then!

Well, all I have to say is... LOL! Nothing worked out the way I assumed it would!

I think I got the Me card right - I'd been spending way, WAY more brain cells over figuring out how to navigate vaccine stuff with this group that was necessary, in retrospect. And... it didn't matter at all. Because I showed up (after being very lost for a while), said hi, told them I had a cold but the mask was on so it's OK right? And was told to leave.

For the record, I do think I was in the wrong - I should have read the gathering guidelines or whatever (somewhere, I have no idea where they are posted), and honestly sleeping at home would have been better for my health. But... I also realized something else. That I just cannot - CANNOT - spend another second of my life in the presence of people who are this afraid. That they would reject fellowship in a situation where the vaccine has been available for over 6 weeks, so almost everyone has received 2 shots, in an outdoor setting, where the entire group is wearing masks, where the person disclosed and offered to stand farther away, and... yet. No exceptions for someone who has paid for their service (co-working space) for 7 straight months without using it, just out of hope of keeping up some sort of contact at events like these.

I'll be cancelling my service today by email, and saving $240 bucks a month in lean times.

On the other hand, "success in business" - the outcome is that we have more money. LOL! Is this what it was telling me??

There is a bit of a connection to the Fascination/Scholarship - I spent a lot of time very lost looking for the meet-up place and then the Audubon, and now know a ton more about the roads of the region, and a few cool places to come back to later :)

After THAT ridiculous start to the practice... let's try again, shall we?

Me: 3 of Hearts, a Celebration

Situation: 2 of Hearts, Temperance/Balance/Moderation

Outcome: Ace of Hearts, Spiritual/Creative/Emotional flow

Interesting... very heart-heavy... obviously I have yet to thoroughly shuffle my deck despite much effort.

The Me = Celebration card is confusing. But, I am really quite happy to cancel my co-working space, and I am happy to have a day in which I can just lie back and relax and recover from this cold. I'm sad to not see relatives this weekend but really... staying home is going to be more pleasant in every way but social.

I think the cards are telling me to TAKE IT EASY as I recover today. I will do just that.

I wonder if I'm going to recover quickly and get to write tonight? That would be a delightful outcome, for sure :)

We'll see!