Another accurate divination. I should probably only write an introduction here when the divination is NOT accurate, really...
I woke up at 2 AM without a sense of smell, and panicked thinking that I might actually have COVID and thereby had cut a swathe through the entire North Oregon Ecosophian contingent, who are on average rather older than I am. A few hours later my sinuses cleared and my sense of smell promptly returned. I mean, that doesn't mean it WASN'T The Disease, but it's far less likely.
I have no intention of getting tested for COVID, no matter what my symptoms are. There's no benefit to me for any outside entity having that information.
Of course, still being in recovery - and weakened emotionally from that roller coaster - I did not get much done today. It was a day of lying around limply, even when talking to the last Ecosophian who needed to kill a few hours before her train. So that's the Me card.
As for the Situation card... yeah, today felt like the exact opposite of a party. I either lay in bed or wore a mask most of the day. I felt awful for being sick, for not being the MC like I really should have been, wondering over and over whether I really should have just cancelled yesterday, and... well. I think I'd been holding expectations for the event that weren't entirely reasonable.
I'd been thinking that this was a group I could relax around, who would be "my people" And - it isn't that they weren't! They were about as close as I am ever going to get. I feel like everything that was raised as a topic, I would have jumped on in 2020 like a dog with a bone. But all the vaccine politics that were happening - yes, even in this group - hearing the political discussions that went down reiterated back to my by my husband, and our visitor (and of course my father inviting himself to rant on and on about Trump, ugh, when will his TDS go AWAY) mostly just made me... very tired.
I'm not entirely the same person as I was last year. And one of the biggest ways I have changed, is that I no longer believe there's any chance I can have any meaningful effect whatsoever on the national politics of the United States, and every minute I even spend thinking about them is a minute that isn't helping save my family's lives from the actual crises barreling towards us.
(Continued the following day.)
I think the real thing that made it the exact opposite of a party, was that I finally realized that for the next indefinite period... I can't have community. Not both community and my next child, anyway. It's time to tuck away, keep out of the public eye, cut back even more on the Internet, and strictly limit my social contacts. (And does this increase our risk of bad outcomes when the shit REALLY hits the fan? Why yes, yes it does. As I've known for MONTHS. But there are no more options left, unless I want to join exactly the communities that my father, who graciously hosts us rent-free, would like to genocide. This was the last one - other than the Druid home church. And I probably even passed on this damn cold to the poor priest who graciously showed up last Saturday, too! Talk about nuking your options...)
Anyway - enough whining. I need less stress in my life, and it is my extreme privilege to have this option. So I'll be wrapping up the meeting with a cheerful email with some pictures later today, making another backyard meeting a few months out (I don't want to be the one to kill the group, though once meetings need to be indoors, that's probably the end of it). My work will provide just enough community to live. And we can save money hand over fist. And perhaps more importantly... continue our efforts, diligently, to live with less on a day-by-day basis.
My cold isn't quite over - though it's healing up at a rapid pace, without all this dirge going on in my head I'd be pretty happy about it - but what did happen was that I think for the first time, my husband saw how miserable I was. He says that it's OK if I don't see his mother for the rest of the pregnancy, if I feel I need that (!). I never thought I would get such a concession... but last night, when he tried to comfort me, for the first time in a long time... I actually felt comforted. So that would be the Outcome card.
Let's get a divination for today, for me and the kiddo who has a terrible-sounding leftover cough, so cannot go anywhere.
Me: Queen of Spades - more pain
Situation: 10 of Hearts (The Wheel of Fortune) - Plans set in motion "As one part of your life improves, another falters."
Outcome: 7 of Diamonds (The Star) - Hope, Healing "When The Star shows up in the outcome position, I often find that the questioner has been agonizing over the matter at hand, which may have appeared hopeless. This card is a strong reassurance that she refuses to give up hope, be battered down by depression, the negativity of others, or despair."
Given the circumstances of this divination - kid running about screaming where was I, loud music playing - this may be the least accurate divination ever. Nevertheless, let's go with it. This is a very kind divination, which feels like the cards took some pity on me. I'll take it :) And... back to childcare!
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