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 Today's divination was... mixed. I think I understood it, but not entirely sure. 

Me: There seems to be an undercurrent to this card of not being able to speak clearly to others about a situation. I feel that way a little bit at my job (not going to tell them about pregnancy for a while yet) and a lot with my father (duh). 

Situation: Interestingly enough, this card seems to have been "the decision flipped back and forth". I got a letter in my email suggesting that the apartment background check had failed because of insufficient income. I took a deep breath, assumed that the company hadn't been able to track my job as it was so new, and passed the verification task off to my husband. Turns out they just mis-keyed something! We are approved, so we're on schedule to move this upcoming Saturday. 

Outcome: This card confused me. I expected - fully - for it to represent a confrontation of some type with my father. But we had a relatively pleasant chat when I stopped by at home for lunch, and he seems to be over at his girlfriend's tonight. Perhaps he sensed it in the air, and got outta Dodge. It wouldn't surprise me - we used to think along very similar lines. We probably still do. 

I'm relieved - I didn't want to have that confrontation. I just want to move away, to negotiate taking one mattress and some flower pots for my son and the herbs I'm going to bring with me, and to have some time to say goodbye to the garden and the fruit trees that I grew to care for over my time here. It seems like this year, this period even, is rubbing my face in my own past, forcing me to see it differently (truly?) and bid it farewell. I can't predict the future at all but emotionally, I never want to come back here. Part of me wishes we were moving much farther away. 

I can also recognize that as childish, in its way. I want to punish my father for failing me. Which... there's no need to do that; he'll do it himself, when he keeps away from his own grandchild out of fear for so long that my son forgets who he is. Ah, there it is - that's what breaks my heart. My son calls my father Grandpa, but not only did my dad not bother to say any sort of meaningful goodbye last weekend, he will probably not see him again for months, if ever. My kid's not a baby any more - he will notice when an adult HE LIVED WITH vanishes from the face of the fucking earth. What will I even tell him?? There's no excuse for this, none whatsoever. It's pure cruelty, thoughtlessly layered on top of our situation in which homeownership (and therefore place stability) is already not something I can even offer to my children. If I'd known that this is how our time in Portland as a multi-generational household was going to end... I would never have left Seattle. 

I have three more days here. Then I can stop seeing my father, or any reminders of him, and start healing. I will be recovered enough to have a cordial call with him at Christmas, I am pretty sure. 

Anyway, that seems to have been a miss, but I'm grateful for it. 

Divination for tomorrow, and then to bed...

Me: 8 of Diamonds - comfort through hard work

Situation: Ace of Spades - focus and clarity

Outcome: Ace of Hearts - emotional/creative/spiritual flow

A much better divination this time! :) Looks like a day of hard work at work, with a lot achieved, and then I feel better about life at the end of the day. Sounds good to me!

I'm going to preface this by saying that I do not think today's divination was particularly accurate at all. And, honestly, that doesn't surprise me. I sorted the cards for nearly 5 minutes yesterday and jumped on the faintest possible "signal". Usually, the cards let me know which to pick within a minute, and quite strongly too. I suspect it was because I was so emotionally and spiritually disrupted yesterday, after reading JMG's hypothesis on ADE, that I literally could not access the sensitivity necessary to "read the cards". 

I'm doing much, much better today. I kept to my vow of not checking Ecosophia for a bit. (Other news sites focus on such pointless shit, don't they? It was actually a relief...) I decided that I was going to pour my emotions about the post into two directions: first, continuing to do whatever preparations I can for difficult times ahead, and second, in making sure that I spend as much time as possible with everyone I love who is willing to see me. After all, what's really changed? Who's to say that anyone and everyone I know won't just be hit by a bus, or contract cancer? None shall know the hour. I reached out to my mother-in-law and asked if she would be OK with me planting a tree on her property, for my Druid curriculum. She enthusiastically said yes! Given how much we have repaired our relationship, and learned to respect each other's boundaries, I think I can be comfortable with returning to usual visits. Thank the gods. 

Also, I wrapped up unemployment and all my job hunt activities (may I not need to do that again for a while), and completed and submitted my Druid curriculum. I think I can properly move forward now with both my new job and my spiritual path. 

In summary, I'm not entirely clear what the drastic problem was I solved (The Tower), what decision fell upon me that cut off one of the other path (Justice) or what pyrrhic victory I won (5 of Spades reversed). I think I'm gonna call that a bust. 

And... here's to hoping that I have returned to form!

Me: 8 of Spades (Justice) - Reason, Fairness "bringing a fair-minded attitude will be most auspicious"

Situation: Ace of Spades REVERSED - NO focus, clarity "avoid provoking a fight"

Outcome: Queen of Hearts (The Empress) - Fertility, Responsibility to Nature "love will bring the best outcome in this matter"

OK... this seems like a better divination, tomorrow will of course tell. Interesting that I have pulled the Justice card so many times lately... well, here's a narrative. I think that I will manage to be fair-minded tomorrow in all my dealings, but that may not mean that I complete all that many tasks. I should/will conduct my actions with love and a motherly role in mind. Might have something to do with nature, too? We will see!

 Finding myself up later than I expected... I fell asleep cuddling my son tonight. This is always a wonderful ending to a day, so I can't complain :)

Starting off today, I wasn't sure that the positive divination would necessarily be true - I was quite tense, waiting for that call. But... it didn't come. And didn't come. And didn't come. Here we are past midnight and obviously it still hasn't come. 

I still have one more day to possibly be both made far wealthier, yet intensely burdened, with that offer. But as I contemplated it not coming, or it coming with bad news (or - would it be?), I became steadily calmer. 

As I did the SOP late in the afternoon I reached out for the first time and had a conversation directly with my Heart, at that part of the ritual. It was pretty casual - like "sup? You doing OK in there?" And I heard the voice back loud and clear - "Yes, thanks for asking." I realized that it hadn't really been OK in there for a while. Neither of the two jobs I've been seriously considering over the past few weeks have brought forth a positive reaction from my Heart in any way. Today was the first time in a while I felt my chest fully relax during the ritual. Me and my body are starting to get along far better in recent days (I finally went to the gym, yay!), but I've been telling my heart to put up and shut up. I may yet have to force it back into an unwilling box. But if this job fades away... the truth is... it will be first and foremost an enormous relief.

And should I be so fortunate as to be freed from this burden, as a result of being the best possible person I know how to be at this time... I am taking A BREAK from the job hunt! Sheesh! I don't even really need to work right now (for a corporation, at least - heaven knows I have a pile of things to work on for my/the family's sake...) - why am I still dragging myself through this muck?!

I think I've got another read on the King of Spades/Emperor card. It's me, of course, but it's specifically me working deliberately towards what I know I need to work on. Mostly in a spiritual sense. The card is drawn as if it's a wise, seasoned, not-entirely-of-this-world general of an army. I'm going to see it as the best possible form of what I might become--maybe even my Higher Self. Thanks to Violet for giving me that vocabulary. 

And of course the clarity and simplicity of what I feel right now... is The Sun card. Perhaps it is even a new life. I feel like I've passed through some stuff, over these past weeks. Maybe even burned a little karma. 

Well - let's take the reading for tomorrow, shall we? And see whether my respite is temporary...

Me: Ace of Spades REVERSED - not so much for the focus and clarity, sigh

Situation: Queen of Hearts (The Empress) - Fertility, responsibility to nature

Outcome: King of Diamonds - Generosity, Happiness found in nature or spirituality

Well, this is interesting... it's almost like it's predicting I could still get the job? :/ Or just that I doubt my current clarity. Or maybe that something else entirely comes up and distracts me! :) Of course getting the Empress makes me think "R I PREGANANTE" but... I'm not, I'm pretty sure. It could be predicting something about family or my love life, though. And that outcome card... makes me think I'll finally be able to sit down and submit the curriculum! That would be a pretty good day, whatever else happens :)

 I was so overjoyed by the turn of events yesterday, that I kind of skimmed over my dreadful reading for the next day. Well... it was accurate. Unfortunately. 

I had another interview for the position in question first thing this morning, and it was very successful - sigh. Afterwards I went out and took a very long walk, did some shopping, signed up for a gym membership, and had a rather long and thoughtful talk with the local gentleman who putters about our sidewalk-less roads in a wheelchair, who has survived AIDS for over 30 years, about why everyone seems so weird right now. My thoughts: "Our society isn't used to periods of intense suffering. People haven't quite figured out exactly what happened to them last year..." His thoughts were that COVID was an opportunity for people to turn to love over fear. He's writing his memoirs and it's clear that's how he wants to wrap them up. Boy, I hope he's right...

It wrapped up with me admitting I was still unvaccinated, because I am worried about infertility side effects from the current crop of vaccines. Though also adding, the vaccines have been good things for many people, of course himself (very high risk and vaccinated long ago) included. He told me I was brave and an inspiration - that was very kind of him, he is an extremely kind man, and I thanked him for it, but I do not feel so brave today. Mostly just tired, and wrung out like a dry sponge. 

I know all this isn't even a ten-thousandth as intense as what happened in Europe in the '30s and '40s, but it feels like I've been getting a tiny taste of the same dish. I understand why the Germans mostly just saluted Hitler and looked the other way while their Jewish neighbors were burned in ovens, now. I understand why almost no one made a different choice. It's like lighting yourself on fire! If I wasn't doing this for my own child, I'm not even sure I could resist as much as I have... How simplistic our school lessons about the Holocaust were! The horror is undeniable, but I see now that no one really understands anything about that period in history until they get a glimpse not only into the minds of the perpetrators, but also those who stood by and did nothing whatsoever to stop it. 

My grandmother became an Allied nurse in southern Germany right after the war ended, and she was always telling me how much she hated the Nazis - and in the same breath, insisting on what good people the Germans were, how terribly they suffered. While she was there, she employed several of the local people in her home and patronized literal starving artists - we have a magnificent portrait, museum-quality, of her in the hallway that I know wasn't her style but was no doubt ordered out of sympathy with a man who had no other way to feed his family. I wondered after I became an adult if my grandma was splitting hairs a bit - no doubt the immense post-war suffering of the German people was earned karmically, after all.  Maybe so, maybe not, but I now understand she was an incredibly kind and empathetic woman, which didn't always come across to me through her stern demeanor. When we finally, as a society, pass through all of this... I will do my best to emulate her. 

After that, I did a ritual in which I was able once again to communicate well with my body. It was pretty unambiguous in its message for me - "Take care of me first, THEN have that baby." Indeed! Message received. I'll start visiting the gym properly tomorrow. 

And after that, and after finding out there is yet another interview they wanted to schedule for Wednesday... I continued to feel completely exhausted and worn out and stressed. It occurred to me that if this is my general mood over the next several months, I'm just going to miscarry any child I conceive! So, after discussing it with Mike one final time, I decided to rip the band-aid off. I emailed the HR person directly and told her that I was currently unvaccinated, that I was waiting until 2022 or the Novavax, whichever came first, and that it was due to concerns about infertility, as we want to have another child in the next few years. I offered to comply with any necessary requirements (masks, etc) to keep others in the office feeling safe, but if this was disqualifying for the position, I want to have it be known now before we go any further. Right before sending, I said a small prayer to the egregore of Avery Denison as I did so - perhaps really a small prayer to my former self, my former values - thanking it for giving me a pleasant interview experience, accepting whatever the outcome would be, and hoping that everything would work out in the best possible way for all. 

I have no idea whether I'll even get a reply, lol. This could very well be a surprisingly abrupt end to what would have been a 4 (!!) interview cycle. But complete silence would definitely be better than a long, awkward, "well we can't technically fire you for it but......." so I hope at least I can avoid that. 

My father will be incredibly disappointed if I don't land this job, and I honestly don't know what I will tell him. I wish I had never told him anything about it whatsoever. I am going to try to move my desk into my room this week so that he can't oversee anything I'm working on, and I'll try to conduct business with the "...to be silent!" maxim first and foremost going forward. 

I slightly regret torpedoing Avery Denison - a few short years ago everyone I talked with there would have been "my people", and it would have enabled us to stay in the PMC a bit longer, though not to afford a home or anything like that lol (and their fancy salary healthcare plan ended up being no better than our current poverty plan through the government, sheesh!) - and if they have a more positive response than I am expecting I am still open to working there - but at this point, I would also be relieved never to hear anything back from them ever again. Every part of this experience has been a forced look through the lens of "how the other half live" - how I imagine non-PMC often feel when forced to be at the mercy of PMC. Or, you know... darker analogues. I feel like I burned yet another chunk of karma through this whole mess, but of course, these experiences always SUCK. 

I'm not going to do one single thing related to the job hunt tomorrow whatsoever. I'm going to work out, and sew, and recover. That's IT. 

In short, I was the Chariot, because I had a breakthrough on how to finally settle and wrap up the wretched situation; the situation was the Queen of Swords with her pointy karma delivery device; and for the outcome, I took on the responsibility (10 of Clubs) of laying it all out on the table, and accepted the consequences thereof. Pat and dry. 

Divination for my (oh gods please) quiet day tomorrow...

Me: Ace of Spades - Focus, Clarity

Situation: Jack of Diamonds - Fascination, Wonder, Scholarship

Outcome: 10 of Clubs REVERSED - "Reversed, in the Outcome position, this card advises the Seeker to give up her burdens, put down the weight she has been carrying and accept her own limitations. She's been trying to do too much, carrying too heavy a load, and she needs to be realistic about what she, alone, can accomplish." 

Signs are good for the quiet day I'm coveting tomorrow... sounds like I will be able to focus on my sewing, and watch a bunch of episodes on the library DVD about English cathedrals. And, hopefully, one way or another... this situation can resolve. Fingers crossed. 

 As is common, it's starting to seem, the divination was again... correct. I took a long-overdue hike in Forest Park and the Rose Garden, and it wasn't overdue at all, because so close to the solstice, after several days of soaking rain, and then the first day of brilliant sun - the plants were ebullient. I admit I had thought yesterday "What the heck am I going to be celebrating?" But it isn't me that was celebrating today - it was the plants and trees and life itself in this beautiful, beautiful corner of the Earth. I could feel it so strongly it took my breath away.  I even took a lot of terrible pictures, that in no way captured the experience of being alive and walking through the forest on this day. 

Perhaps it was in response, perhaps it was just that time of my cycle (testosterone yay), but I had a bit of a... manifestation?... in my own mind of the Emperor. I spontaneously composed a poem in my mind with a soaring and triumphal tone, sort of a call-and-repeat, about how faith gives one strength to do what is necessary blah blah etc. (I am a terrible poet, but the mood of it all is more the point). It was the type of poem to be shouted aloud at a conference, to make the listeners alternately weep and rejoice and feel strong themselves. Much like a general rallying an army... It was a bit of ego, no doubt (and I am truly, truly a terrible poet) but the feelings it was trying to express are something a bit closer to wisdom. 

For a while now, I have recognized that anything we are going to save from this era as we move into the next one is going to depend on some sort of religion for its survival. Fleshing out this thought would be an entire post in itself, which I don't have time for, but faith - the thing that depends on more than the evidence of one's eyes, goes deeper than endlessly hashed-out logic, and which can enforce strict taboos with deadly consequences for violators - is the only thing strong enough to carry them through. Ironically, only a religious revival can possible save science now. But... more on that later. 

Finally, at the very end of the day, I spent almost an hour very, very, very, very, very carefully digging up a baby oak tree out of the backyard, and replanting it into a pot. I have tried to properly transplant... four or five??... young oak trees out of the garden so far this year, and lost every last one of them :/ But with each baby tree sacrifice, I've gotten a crash course in how NOT to do it. I ended up lying flat on my stomach on the grass digging out the taproot through 8 inches of clay. It felt like crude surgery (which of course it was). Caution - but also potential. Will this one, finally, be my Druid tree?? Only time will tell - but it is safely out of the reach of squirrels and in 6 inches of good, well-watered soil. Fingers crossed! 

Quickly, tomorrow's div: 

Me: Ace of Spades REVERSED - No focus, clarity

Situation: Jack of Hearts - Hidden feelings coming to the surface, contemplation

Outcome: 8 of Clubs REVERSED - NO repetition, constant motion to build stability

Oosh. But... not surprising. I'm going to a job fair tomorrow that I have no interest in (just doing it for unemployment stuff). I have no focus or clarity around my job hunt. I wouldn't be surprised if more of the adjacent-to-PTSD I have from my last job wells up while I'm talking to people there, either. Which means... this whole reading basically says "You are not going to get a job tomorrow." I knew that much. I am not going to be building up my nest - I'll be continuing to fall instead. But as they say... so mote it be. OK, time to put the kid to bed!

Whooooo I am out of it tonight. Let's review the day.

The Fool - was I ever today... was I ever. Bang-on.

The Lovers - Well, I felt union with all my plans - I got them done. I wish I'd been able to relax more in the location I visited, but at least I made it there. I'm going to attribute Oregon City's parking problems to Oregon City, lol! But thinking about it, Oregon City was legitimately beautiful. So... this one is another hit.

8 of Diamonds - It was definitely a homey day by the end of it, I did indeed cook a big meal, and I think it would have been quite comfortable... except my mother called, and dealing with that woman is always exhausting. I feel kind of like she horned in on my comfortable evening :/ And she has enough magical energy, frankly, that that might have been exactly what happened. (I get any abilities I may possibly have from her.) That bitch! A pox on her!!

I go back and forth about my mother. On the one hand, she's worked hard enough (at babysitting) over the last two years to earn forgiveness for ditching her promise to watch my child at the last minute three years ago. And my child loves her. On the other hand... interacting with her is generally miserable. And I'm regularly embarrassed at her antics. I have such an intense feeling of "dealing with someone who never mentally aged past 15" every time we talk... because... that's probably the truth, given her severe ADD.

Will I allow her to participate in Baby #2 when it comes along? We'll see. She desperately wants to, for what that's worth (it wasn't worth a hill of beans the last time around). I've gone back and forth between planning to ask her not to contact me until the child is 6 months old, at pain of permanent excommunication, and thinking that I can grit my teeth and handle her so long as she keeps babysitting regularly. But like 15-year-olds everywhere, babysitting is really all she's good for. The rest of the time she needs to be kept at arm's length. And will I have the strength to navigate that on a daily basis, while trying to keep an infant alive?

It's a question I'll be thinking about regularly over the rest of this year.

Okay, enough complaining about my mother (how typical!). Let's check out tomorrow.

Me: Ace of Spades - REVERSED. No focus, no clarity.

Situation: 3 of Clubs - REVERSED. Efforts not rewarded, no success in business.

Outcome: 2 of Clubs - A Passionate Conversation or Debate.

Oof... but I can't say it doesn't ring true. NO focus or clarity tomorrow - I'll still be deep in period land, so that makes sense. My efforts will not be rewarded (that's not a surprise either, for similar reasons). And... I guess I'll be having a chat with someone. Hopefully a fun chat? Uh, we'll see.

A quick review!

I feel like getting the Hierophant was, in the end, a warning - a warning not to go back on what I declared before the gods. I deleted my brief summary of the issue I'd promised I would not talk about again, and continue to let it be water off my back :) Had a pretty nice day overall as a result!

I'm a bit confused about the Tower card, but perhaps the fact that I had a genuine and happy turning towards being social (sent off a message to a group that wants to meet up! <3) whereas I had been feeling "I have no choice but to stay alone, for my own safety..." was a small example of type. Also, I felt a bit cheerful about potentially continuing with an interview process, instead of sullen dread. Another nice change of pace!

The Sun - for the first time, I put in print that I am "moving towards being a stay-at-home mom for a while." That's definitely a new life for me. I have thought for a decade that it would be a terrible choice. But right now... it seems most days like the best possible path. We will see! Also if that interview goes much further, it could mark the beginning of that.

Daily div!

Me: Ace of Spades - Focus, Clarity

Situation: King of Hearts - Sensitivity and Creativity channeled into Professional Success

Outcome: 7 of Hearts - Secrets, Imagination, New Feelings

First thought: Hooray! I'm going to actually get stuff done tomorrow! :) I don't know what the King of Hearts event will be - perhaps it will come out of all my job hunt stuff. Perhaps it will be as simple as completing my job hunt stuff, lol. And the new feelings... will my libido finally come back?? LOL! Hoping to leave the drama behind (finally, there are no Major Arcana... WHEW) and have a nice, productive day tomorrow :)