OK, this is coming kind of late, but I forgive myself, I'm creating new habits in a new place!
Yesterday's divination was Wheel of Fortune for Me, 3 of Spades for Situation, and 3 of Hearts for the Outcome. Very basic interpretation here - I decided on what I think is the final plan for how I am going to deal with the situation between me and my father; I chose to have a "romantic interlude" with my husband in the middle of the day (I can actually go home for lunch now) which, well, let's just say that things are rough down there when you're 2 months pregnant (ouch), and I celebrated it being Friday night and the weekend approaching - finally!
I'm going to take a moment to journal a bit more on the stuff about my dad - no surprise, recent events have brought up a lot of feelings that go deep back into my childhood about it. I've gone through a ridiculous amount of cycling emotions over the past few weeks, but I think I've dug down to the nub of it. In short, I'm not happy that an old pattern from my childhood has been brought forward and repeated in my adulthood.
Trying to summarize without TOO many words: When I was 8 years old, I decided that I needed to help my parents communicate better with each other. They were getting along so poorly (their marriage was an abysmal mistake) that I sensed even at that age that it was important for me to do so, in order to try to prevent a divorce and a descent into poverty and chaos. I spent a lot of time talking to one of them, then walking across the house and talking to the other, while revising the words of the first one into terms that the second one could actually understand. I continued doing this work this off and on for the next 16 years. While my efforts were by no means the only reason the marriage hung together and preserved my home, they did have a positive effect, and less than a year after I "quit" the thankless task at 24 - having gotten a job in another city - the divorce finally went forward. I remember jumping around my studio apartment for joy after my mom's phone call letting me know. Unpaid, fruitless, thankless job over and done with, hooray!
So, what's the connection with getting evicted from my dad's house at 5 weeks pregnant and in the first week of a new job, on the basis of questionable data about vaccine efficiency? (I mean, I happen to also believe that his Pfizer vaccine is next to worthless, but we were in a similar situation back in the winter and using daycare when he was unvaccinated, and we did not get evicted then.) I think it's because, since I was very young, both of my parents got used to letting me do the communication for them, covering over their own weak spots in this regard. Also, there's a side element of "This sort of stuff doesn't faze her, she can take it." Which... well, I did and I can. I genuinely helped prolong their marriage. When my mom quit her plan to provide childcare two weeks before I was due back to work, I hit the pavement and I found an affordable daycare. And now, after my dad evicted me and my family under these stupid circumstances, we enacted a plan we'd mostly put together earlier this year, found a place in the walkable downtown core (though a bit expensive) and have somehow managed to land on our feet.
Nevertheless, I am SICK OF THIS CRAP. Both of my parents, now, have failed me in exactly the categories they swore up and down were their most treasured and highest values (my mom with grandchildren, my dad with keeping the "family castle"). Now, I expect the world in general to give me shit - I'm not owed anything. But I think I do have the right to be A BIT VERKLEMPT when my own family throws the cost of their personal failure on me, and expects me to just take it with a smile. I am not a child anymore, and I am not forced to depend on them - living with my dad was a personal choice, undertaken in part because I had rose-colored glasses about the multigenerational household concept (karma ahoy!). So I don't actually have to accept this treatment ever again. I'm already free, in every way but the emotional.
But at this point the old relationship of unquestioning trust between me and my dad is burned, dead and buried. So we're going to have to start somewhere new. Now the trick is trying to figure out exactly how to do that, in a way that is both fair to him, but also gets my point across as sharply as is necessary to pierce his thick skull. Too tired to expound on that tonight, and I want to wait several days and meditate on it before I make my move, so more later.
Let's get divination going for tomorrow at least...
Me: 10 of Spades (Judgment) REVERSED - a gentle reminder to let go of something that needs to change
Situation: 4 of Spades (Death) - Change, endings
Outcome: King of Hearts - warm, loving man (career success?)
Hmm! This is definitely a reading that suggests, "don't resist the change". As to precisely what the change is... I have a few thoughts, but tomorrow will tell. Time to eat some ice cream and get my kid to bed.
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