sh1njuk1

 How quickly the world turns...

Me: Obviously, composing the email this morning was part of my best self. But... there's a power element to the Emperor, as well, and that was made quite clear when my mother-in-law wrote back almost immediately thanking me for explaining my thought process to her (!!), reinstating her offer to let us stay with them after the baby is born, and apologizing for being so emotional earlier. I guess... I won? 

Well - if I won, I won the right to keep maintaining our relationship indefinitely. This is my preferred outcome, though; something I didn't dare to hope for, and a great relief to boot. You know, I don't actually hate my mother-in-law! Before this whole episode, I considered her (and her husband) my most reasonable, helpful and outright favorite extended family members. For a while now, I've been trying to cultivate as much forgiveness in advance as I possibly can for how members of my community are going to respond to 2021. So - I've got a bit ready to go! I wrote a brief message thanking her, telling her I felt heard, and that I would write more over the weekend, so that she didn't have to twist in the wind. 

I'll meditate a bit on the best way to go forward over the weekend, too. I want to make sure boundaries remain firmly in place, and that reconciliation isn't taken as an opportunity to push further. 

Situation: JEEZ LOUISE. Talk about your ups and downs!! This card was on the money.

Outcome: Our good friend Cory came over and we had many nice conversations. And tonight... I'm gonna sleep real well. 

On that note, let's divinate!

Me: 6 of Spades - Leaving Worries Behind, A Transition - extra source says "a bridge over troubled waters". 

Situation: 9 of Spades - staying awake at night with worry - extra source says this could either mean insomnia or my menses starting as well

Outcome: 2 of Spades (The Hanged Man) - Peace through Self-Discipline, Freedom from Distraction - extra source says a sign that you must accept a change, give something up, and follow your heart

Well here's a narrative... I should be moving on from the mother-in-law issue, my menstrual period might very well start tomorrow, and we will see whether we will have as romantic an evening as we were planning--or not! 

 I noticed that I ended up double posting yesterday - oops! I guess anyone happening to read got a double dose of what I hope, I PRAY, was my personal peak of Crazytown 2021. Today both was and was not a crazytown day. I'll go with not - I'm pretty calm right now, and I believe that I have achieved closure on the two biggest issues haunting me this last month. To explain...

I went on a nice long 4-mile walk this AM, to give me time to think over everything that happened last weekend. And--bless my mind, that idea machine that churns out a thousand possibilities a day if I let it--I finally recognized a workable, respectful solution to COVID vaccine hysteria. 

The following phrase popped into my head: "Schrödinger's vaccine". I don't quite know where it came from, but I recognized the implications immediately. Namely, that from this point onward no one else should ever know whether or not I have received the vaccine, aside from me and possibly my doctor. That would include my mother-in-law, my father, my mother, my extended family, my work, any establishment that might ask me for any form of a vaccine passport or be overly pushy about whether or not I am wearing a mask, and even my own husband (mostly to keep him safe from prying questions from other entities on the list).  This isn't going to completely eliminate how I've become a lightning rod for others to project their own anxieties upon - but it suggests, thankfully, a path towards wrapping this crap up. 

"I'm worried about having another baby" didn't work (amazing! but this culture has been one of death for a while); "Please respect my body, my choice" didn't work (so ironic from those who have championed abortion rights, but hey, we're in the Upside Down now); but strict adherence to this method allows me to fall back on the steel foundation of medical privacy. It is a more "male"-identified concern, too, which sadly helps in this case (and to think I'll be using this tack against at least a few avowed feminists! the craziness of these times!!). I join myself also with the larger "don't tread on me!" crowd, which, whatever my personal aversions to how that philosophy is often expressed, is the heritage of my country, almost to the point of wrapping my dissent in the flag. The country can still provide me this much, at least. God Bless America!

How long will I follow this policy? FOREVER. Or at least until COVID is no longer a concern to the wider society in any way whatsoever, amen.

Here's the nitty-gritty, as I have figured it out thus far: Before I attend any meetings of groups that I have a previous connection with, I will continue to disclose upfront, but only that I am "Schrödinger's vaccinated". I.e., that I refuse on the principle of medical privacy to disclose whether or not I am vaccinated, to ANYONE, not even my own husband! So given that I will never release that information, I then leave it up to the organization/people whether or not they would like me to be there. If they would prefer not - or if they request this bullshit of wearing a mask in a way that would put a very obvious Kick Me sign on my face - I'm out. I will accept that I can no longer participate. For neutral places/new groups, I will scrupulously follow all requests that are made up front, and am happy to wear a mask at the request of the staff/government if it is posted on the front door. This includes places like transit and hospitals, which, I completely understand why they want the mask a little longer. I will limit my protest strictly to my own person - the better to make it more powerful. 

This still creates inconvenience and upheaval in my life, of course, but I'd already accepted that when I decided not to be a liar. I'm in a situation where, for better or worse, I still need to interact with others. But I feel deeply right now that I need to fight for my child--in a way women of my race and class haven't had to do for generations--with as much determination and intelligence and cunning as I can possibly manage, to bring them forth into incarnation and into my arms. To fight like this requires both a shield and a sword. Schrödinger's vaccination can become my shield--my uncompromising will to carry forward this small personal protest for as many YEARS as I have to, and to accept uncomplainingly all limitations laid upon me as a result, will be my sword. 

And there's one more part to this, too. I'm deeply frustrated and furious over this situation, both in the country in general, and within my own social circle. I am aware that I have... a strong will. And a mind on the sharper side of things. And when I find myself caught up in a situation that I not only feel, but know to be some form of injustice, I get extremely pissed, in an "icy fury" way. Which I recognize as dangerous, to both those around me and my own self. I need to channel these particular emotions in a direction where I can both appropriately express and process them, and don't cause collateral damage in the process. Because... in my own way, I'm risking getting just as inappropriately emotional about this as my mother-in-law.

After all, there are situations - my lovely mind has sketched several out for me already - where getting the vaccination ends up being the best path forward! Just because the current data/this society hasn't yet provided me with them doesn't mean they can't arise in the future. And the pattern I recognized myself getting caught up in this morning was "How DARE you try to tell me what to do!" If I let myself fall into that, I will refuse to get a vaccine going forward for any reason whatsoever, even if it would be better for me and my child's safety. I can't allow that. I need to keep a clear head about this, no matter what the cost. I know that a life could be riding on it. 

As soon as I have the strength, I will write to my mother-in-law directly to explain this new policy. We'll go from there. 

Which means of course, that even on this blog... I am now officially Schrödinger's vaccinated :) I will never write specifically about my vaccination status here ever again - merely how others are or are not reacting well to my disclosure. I've learned the hard way why our ancestors made medical privacy a right... and I'm going to do my level best to uphold it. 

OK, so that should get me as close to peace as is possible with the vaccine madness. In addition, Avery Denison called back and offered me the job.

Since I've already hashed out most of my emotions about the position and its conditions - and the remaining ones are immensely calmed by the new Schrödinger's vaccine policy, mainly because now I know what to expect in my near to medium-term future - I accepted the position. I made sure to take an hour before accepting and do an incredibly in-depth SOP before I called back with the acceptance, though. I had so many internal conversation between various parts of my own self during that hour, I think I could get a diagnosis if I phrased things to the doctor in just the right way.... ^^; 

• I asked my Mind if it was ready to commit itself to learning the business of Avery Denison for a minimum of 8 hours a day. It was a bit hesitant, until I let it know that we could take the Candidate Year at a slower pace than a year if necessary. We will continue to make progress on it, that's not negotiable, but we can moderate it depending on how difficult the Avery Denison work turns out to be. 
• I felt, for the first time in a while, the fires of my Will combining together upon a single path. I got emotional - I am so very grateful for the strength and power of my Will. When it is united and focused I can do astonishing things. I taught myself fluent Japanese in my teenage years; I restarted my career from ashes in an entirely new field with no related education or certification; I have a happy and respectful marriage despite my own parents being an example of the opposite. It needs to be channeled and well-informed, of course, and without my Heart in it I now know that it barely flickers. But it's a tremendous power in its own right, and it underlies most of what I have achieved in this life.
• I reached out to my Heart to ask if it was OK with this. It isn't happy, per se, but we agreed that these conditions are worth enduring, and I promised it that we wouldn't be staggering through situations unsure if the people around us feared us, hated us, wanted to hurt us and risk our baby's life, any more. That has been the hardest on my Heart. But now, we are going to take back control of the situation, understand that we are following the best possible path at any given time, and actively find our way to calmer and saner human connections. 
• I chatted with my Body a bit as I've become accustomed to doing (the Body is sassy, I have discovered). It doesn't love being in a room with screens for 8 hours. But, it likes the walk, it likes that we will take more structured breaks, and it demands - demands!! - that I keep going to the gym on a regular basis. OK, Body, you get to call the shots for a little while! 
• I don't yet do the Spirit Below/Above part of the SOP. I am taking it very... very... slow. I'm feeling like I'm ready to finally learn them soon, though. 

You know what? Today was a preposterously eventful day. I didn't even mention the event where three contracting companies all ended up submitting me for the same position at Nike, mostly without my consent, and were arguing the situation with me by phone and email. SHEESH, WHEN CAN THE DRAMA END. But I feel, finally... that it might be soon :)

The divination seems accurate - I moved toward a new life, I achieved both material and emotional/spiritual comfort through hard work and persistence, and at the end of the day, I felt a powerful bond between internal and external, in discovering a new way that I can productively deal with the crazy of the moment. I need to get tomorrow's reading done and go to bed, though!

Me: 6 of Diamonds - Charity, Harmony, Cooperation, "being/seeking fairness"

Situation: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) - Balance, Moderation "The timing is good for progress, but the Seeker must be willing to compromise on some details." 

Outcome: Ace of Clubs (Strength) REVERSED - NOT overcoming desire, building trust, or courage "If possible, the Seeker should be willing to postpone any serious decisions, avoid conflicts, and feel emotionally stronger before tackling this problem head on." 

So... I'm reading that I should NOT write that email to my mother-in-law tomorrow. Good to know! The rest of them, well, we'll just have to see how this all goes. I'm quite tired - to bed!

 Back home after a long drive, I'll try to have this be short. 

My divinations sometimes hit accurate enough, I get concerned that I might have a future career in this stuff. Gods keep me from that...

I already knew that the Me card was me moving forward on my life path of spending vastly less money - we continued along that for most of the day, only spending money on one single meal out during this entire family trip. That might sound like we're still splurging (and fair enough) but compared to the way we used to be?? This is practically putting on a habit and joining a convent! 

But of course, the Situation card - The Devil - was the one that I ran into the buzzsaw with today. Let me just state the following first: I HATE THE DEVIL CARD. OK, back to the report. 

My mother-in-law hit me on my way out the door with literally every single last talking point/conversational manipulation about why I really should consider getting the mRNA vaccine as soon as possible. Let's see if I can even remember them all:

• She has an acquaintance who has worked on mRNA treatments for cancer for 30 years, so see, the vaccines aren't new technology! (Cancer treatments aren't vaccinations for respiratory/vascular diseases, but, was there time to mention this? There was not.)
• Suggesting I be friends with a daughter of a friend who is a PhD and works at OHSU, the big hospital near me (trying to improve/purify my peer group)
• Insinuating that no matter what job I apply to, they'll make me wear the mask and sit in a corner, FOREVER (emphasizing how inconvenient my choice is going to be)
• Informing me that any obstetrician I work with is probably going to make a huge fuss about me getting vaccinated (she's probably right about this, which is going to be FUN TIMES whoo boy)
• Telling her brother before asking me about it that I will be attending his party next month with a mask on, (which, I'm fine with disclosure but I would have preferred the option to NOT go at all rather than attend as the only masked person there, and in fact I 100% do not intend to attend, I am quite sure of THAT ffs)
• Telling me that the delta variant is killing young people! Killing them right now!! (mmmaybe? I know it spreads well, but I think we're not going to be able to pin the death rate down until the end of summer, roughly)
• And as a pregnant woman, I have a sixfold-higher chance of dying from COVID complications!!! (probably true, but what's the baseline?)
• Bursting into tears over the possibility of me and the baby dying and leaving my husband a widow and my son an orphan that they would have to raise themselves (sigh)

There were more, but I'm pretty tired right now. For a lot of reasons. 

Anyway, I pirouetted through that conversation, tried to acknowledge her feelings as much as I could, and told her the truth - which is that I'm keeping an eye on the numbers, running a risk/reward analysis, and if I judge that the situation has become one where I have a real chance of dying of COVID, I will get the vaccine. She did accept that and I got out the door, but holy shit. People are crazy right now. 

And later on, after I wrestled through a lot of feelings about "How DARE you think you have the right to tell me what to do!" which, I don't usually get all Scots-Irish on people, it's gauche--but that one poked me right in the Scots-Irish, lemme tell ya--I also recognized that my mother-in-law is doing what I think a huge percent of upper middle class blue-voting Americans are doing right now... which is subsuming all other anxieties into COVID hysteria, as that is The Only Acceptable Fear. Even she and my father-in-law can tell that the supply chains are staggering, inflation has found its way into their favorite restaurants, and if it does turn out that these vaccines are a slow-moving public health tragedy, what would that say about her entire career giving vaccinations, not to mention the hundreds of vaccines she's personally delivered over the past 6 months to trusting people in her community?? I honestly don't know if her psyche could handle it. I pray this wraps up in a year or so with me laughing about how nervous I was over nothing, and getting the vaccine while holding the baby in my other arm. (For full ideal scenario... let the vaccine be Novavax. Amen.) 

Anyway. I'm TIRED right now. Sheesh. 

I'm comfortably at home and Mike and I are about to spend some time together, which we've painstakingly laid the groundwork for over months now, so I can see how the final card is working out, too. Let's divinate!

Me: 5 of Hearts - Moving Forward, Learning from Past Mistakes

Situation: 8 of Diamonds - Comfort Achieved through Work and Persistence

Outcome: Queen of Diamonds - A bond between the internal and external, mastery not control of Nature

Interesting... I thoroughly mixed those cards back into the stack this morning... hmm. At least THE DEVIL isn't among them anymore. I suppose I will continue to pivot into my new lifestyle, that I will have a productive and good day, and that I will feel like the mistress of the household by evening. That would be a great outcome! We will see :)

 Let's see if I can get this in before my son's bath...

First, I had a slightly different perspective occur to me for the Devil card yesterday. Early in the day I allowed myself to read the weekly Collapse thread (I only read it once a week now). I ran across, as I often do, a poster who is actively abusing their children with their collapse ideology, and painting it as "being honest with them about the situation". Few things piss me off more. I was extremely, extremely tempted to log into reddit and give them the equivalent of a backhand across the face by text. 

And... I didn't.

Instead, I logged in and posted some resources for someone else in the thread who asked about Gnosticism. That exchange went extremely well and I may actually have helped them in some way. Success!

I suppose that's a textbook example of temptation, which I did not give in to. I tend to look for the Outcome card near the end of the day, though, so missed it earlier! Something to contemplate for sure. 

And now, the rest of the review: 

I cannot tell whether or not I made mistakes today. I did end up a bit uncomfortable hiking across Portland on a 95 degree day, which really, I should have maybe figured out (and worn yoga pants underneath my skirt). My tarot book thought that reversed 5 of Hearts means that you DON'T make mistakes, which, all in all it was a good day, so maybe? Something to keep an eye on. 

Harmony between inside and out: yeah, I definitely felt that, especially as I made several comment posts about spiritual matters in between walking, drinking a beer, and doing approximately half of a book review. It was an absolutely delightful day, balmy and bright. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. 

Freedom, the fool: I wonder if this card represents a feeling of "I'm living my best liiiiiife!" And not overthinking it. I'm definitely there, no question. For better or worse! 

OK, it could also be that I'm actually sending a job application in for one of the most ridiculous, rambling recruiter calls I've ever taken in my 35 years on Earth. This could really be a Fool action. But let's let it play out, and find out...

OK, now to tomorrow's cards!

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - Wisdom, Experience, Authority

Situation: Queen of Diamonds - Bond between internal and external, mastery but not control of nature

Outcome: 6 of Diamonds - Charity, Harmony, Cooperation

No complaints, this is a very positive reading, but I do wonder - what DOES King of Spades mean? I'm getting an impression of "positive spiritual authority". I'll try to pay close attention and see if I can figure it out. For the rest of it... I have a very pleasant excursion planned... and maybe I'll finally get around to sending out those extra invites for the Ecosophian meetup! Shoulda done it today, whoops. Is that a mistake, maybe?! In any case... not starting my kid's bath would be a mistake!

Welp. I think the divination might be stronger than my will to fight against it ^^; As for "not learning from mistakes", I ONCE AGAIN left the house planning a string of family events ending with shopping, without the shopping list. So... after a lovely visit to the park, Mike parked far enough away from the house that our toddler wouldn't know where we were, and I hoofed it in the rain to pick up the list. I think this is the THIRD time we've done this, I DID NOT LEARN. Sheesh.

The other cards... sigh. They, too, were correct. First, we had a very unstructured afternoon, where my husband watched a bunch of reviews of new video games. I am uninterested in that world nowadays and did not watch. Instead I did my daily French marathon and read through Reddit - Sunday is my Reddit day. (And limiting it to Sunday has been GREAT for my mental health, FYI!)

And... both the other cards came true, at once. Because I didn't practice sufficient self-discipline during our unstructured afternoon, I went to the reddit forum I have been avoiding for months... r/portland. And of course it was mostly happiness at all the rain and pictures of people's dogs. But... there was also a post, by one individual, a very Portland example of the self-appointed Good People.

She (as it was of course a she, I didn't need to see any pronouns) was a volunteer at one of the mass vaccination sites, and posted "In order to get to 70% vaccinated, we have to talk with and try to UNDERSTAND the people in our lives who don't want to get vaccinated! It's the only way we can CONVINCE them and PROTECT EVERYONE and RESPONSIBLY go back to normal!" Several people on reddit did the reddit thing and bluntly stated "No, we don't have to care. They've made their choice. They're all too stupid to live. Let them die and let's go live our lives again."

And the funny thing... the unacknowledged feelings, or at least the ones I've been quietly wrestling with, all bubbled up to the surface at once. You see - I would have thought the redditors casually wishing death on their neighbors would have bothered me. But they were a RELIEF to read. At least those assholes are going to leave their neighbors ALONE and go back to a normal goddamn life. They are also too lazy to put together anything like a vaccine passport system. They're going to feel superior while achieving nothing, as per the usual reddit way.

But that woman, that volunteer, that true believer. That woman. I bet she truly, truly believes every word she wrote in that post. She is spending all her time and energy doing everything she possibly can to get needles in the arms of every single person she knows. She JUST wants them all to be vaccinated, for everyone's SAFETY... with an untested, brand-new-on-this-earth substance that hasn't even been through enough trials to ascertain its effect on human fertility. Just for starters! Which already has been *proven* to cause significant cases of myocarditis in young men (I consider Israel's side effect reporting as the most cutting-edge and reliable out there). She doesn't - can't - perhaps even won't understand - that everyone getting vaccinated right now who is under 60 and doesn't have a comorbidity is risking their health MORE, not less. She believes in vaccinations creating herd immunity the way an Evangelical believes in salvation by faith. But unlike the Evangelical, she is using every last shred of her Goodness (tm) for something that can - that has already! - caused real health problems in the here-and-now. She's actively demonstrating what road we all get to walk down when we pave it with our "good intentions".

I used to think that people who joined NGOs, or went abroad on volunteer trips, etc. with the best of intentions were a bit naive, but mostly harmless. Oh, how my perspective has changed.

It's not hard, for someone raised with liberal political views (as I was), to sketch out a scenario where "the right" seizes power and enacts fascism. I still don't think that scenario is impossible - I'm half convinced the missteps of the left are going to summon it, demon-style, around roughly 2024 - there's real danger there. But I've finally realized that "the left" can bring about the authoritarian state just as quick, just as strong, just as terrifying. They'd just do it with a smile, telling us all that they just want to HELP! They just want everyone to be SAFE! And you didn't really want all that responsibility of making choices for yourself, did you? You might make the WRONG choice, and we can't have THAT now can we! They'd do it exactly like that woman ALREADY IS DOING. Just as smugly, just as convinced of their absolute intellectual superiority, totally comfortable in their absolute power and patting themselves on the back as to what Good People (tm) they are. The vaccine passport planners ought to hire her! Oh, who am I kidding - they already have. And boy... is she EVER ready, to do her duty to HELP.

It's a weird place to be in - to be praying as best I know how that American society's inertia and laziness and the government's rapidly decreasing tax coffers end up overwhelming the instinct my own 'side' has to HELP. To come to the conclusion that the very obvious path all this is paving for our medical system to pre-emptively turn away the majority of the poor from medical treatment - and for the Good People (tm) to shrug that off as What They Deserve - is the best possible outcome left to us. I have known logically for some time that our "everyone can always come to the emergency room for treatment!" bylaws, lacking Medicare For All, were going to vanish (or be vanished) some way or another. But to see it actually begin to happen... and for it to be the BETTER outcome, because what the group of people I once considered myself a part of would do instead is WORSE... oh, what has happened to my society? :(

Is 2021 going to continue being a parade of randomized 2020 trauma bubbles popping up? Sigh... I already know the answer.

And the hardest of all - I'm going to have to keep intimately navigating these Good People (tm) in my own life... indefinitely. I've sadly but pre-emptively stopped talking to any of my friends who are "pro-science" in that way. I don't hate them, I wish them well, but I don't want to deal with them right now. My father was pushed off, thankfully, with logic (eventually) and my mother is an honest-to-god anti-vaxxer nowadays so whatever else I have to deal with from her, it won't be that. But my mother-in-law is an RN, believes completely that there are no issues with the vaccine, and eagerly told me that if I get vaccinated now, my future child "will have the antibodies". Uh... will they? Is that precisely how the mRNA works?? And, how can she say, when studies haven't even been done yet, whether or not it might prevent me from getting pregnant at all? Or whether those "antibodies" will disfigure or abort my child in the womb? And all this, when I have next to NO chance of getting so much as complications from COVID, given my age and health situation???

But... I will need my mother-in-law, in order for our family to survive adding another child, especially in that brutal first year. It's the biggest unspoken source of tension in my life at this moment - that my mother-in-law is pushing something which could very possibly kill my child if I acquiesce... but I also need her to help me raise that child. She has NO IDEA that this is the situation she's putting me in - no, she's a Good Person (tm), of course. And for her to comprehend the vaccinations, which she is actively sending a whole crop of college students at her clinic to go get, in any less of a favorable light would probably cause a system crash. I don't want that either. She is a good person in so many ways - so much more giving and reliable and helpful than my own mentally ill mother. But I can't compromise on this.

So, she asks my husband about it incessantly on the phone, and he deflects, and I pirouette, and we all continue the dance. He's getting the J&J vaccine next week - it's a slightly better tested vaccine delivery method, I haven't heard about it affecting male fertility, and I pray that no other nightmarish side effects arise - if he panics and goes to the hospital for any reason, that will be half our savings gone at a stroke (gods willing, not with a stroke). He, too, doesn't truly understand what a risk he's taking. He trusts his mother's word exactly as much as he did when he was a child. (She has not yet comprehensively betrayed him, as my parents have me.) So I can't go against his mother any more than I already have, and still keep her in our lives, and my marriage strong. I've chosen to shut my mouth about it and save myself--and hopefully the baby too--and let it be his body, his choice.

I mean... we live in the middle of so much uncertainty. Maybe I am completely wrong. Maybe in December I catch COVID while pregnant, end up on an ECMO, and rue the day I thought I knew better than my mother-in-law. I don't know. There is no such thing as "knowing". All I can do is analyze the data from as many angles as possible, run it through my common sense, and make the best choice available to me at this moment. Right now I believe my future unborn child is in more danger from this vaccine than I am in from COVID, and am living my life accordingly. I'm also taking vitamins, eating healthy, exercising, forming new and more positive social bonds, and trying to get in as good health as I possibly can. I'm hedging every last bet. It's all I can do.

And... this all bubbled up to the surface today because of checking goddamn r/portland. A pox upon it!! Though even I have to admit, as much as I hate modern technology... none of this is the software's fault.

These divinations keep churning up chunks of karma that I'd been putting off dealing with. And for every one I work through, my mind gets clearer, and my heart gets calmer. The SOP also really seems to be helping. So as painful as all this reflection is... I can feel myself getting stronger. That's exactly what I hoped for. So... I am grateful.

Let's quickly get tomorrow's reading done, I've gotta faceplant.

Me: 4 of Spades (Death) - The Cycle of Creation, Destruction, and Renewal

Situation: 10 of Clubs - A Responsibility or Burden

Outcome: 8 of Hearts (The Moon) - Subtlety, Mystery, Instinct

OK... I can see the shape of tomorrow, I think. I may still be working through some of this tomorrow in my own head. I need to pick up the threads of the Ecosophian meet-up and move it forward - a responsibility I've taken on, though a joyful one. And hopefully tomorrow, I will make serious progress on my candidacy statement, which is turning into a recitation of my own religious awakening, a process of mystery if there ever was one. OK! Good work, my psyche! And now... to sleep!