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I admit I figured most of today that I'd gotten a rare miss on the divination... The Star seemed to mean more like, I was kind of loopy, and I had an off day for sure (they didn't turn off the AC even when the weather turned so I shivered the whole day, and didn't complete all my tasks). But when I arrived home, I found that my husband had unpacked almost every last box, organized all the rooms and put down the carpet we bought at Goodwill! So the celebration card counts <3 I think, if the Emperor card has any meaning for me today, it's in my concluding thought that some days are just off days. I ate a bunch of cheese (I think I also didn't have enough fat in my diet today) and am ready to give it all another shot tomorrow. So grateful for my husband <3

Let's div!

Me: The Empress

Situation: 3 of Hearts

Outcome: Queen of Clubs

Looks like a very pregnancy-related day - not sure how I feel about that! But, there's still more celebration in the middle of it... I wonder if that card is noting me getting used to our new, better surroundings? In any case, it doesn't change what I have to do. Onward!

Gonna be quick, have to get my kid to daycare!

Yesterday, I did feel a change come over me (as I bought a bunch of plants and set them up on the balcony, it finally felt like 'home')... a positive one. Weird that the Death card would portray positive things, but perhaps it's not so weird, with my personality! Also had a wonderful chat with my husband at the end of the day that made me feel much closer to him, romantically.

Today's div:

Me: The Star

Situation: The Emperor

Outcome: 3 of Hearts

I appreciate the positivity! :) Sounds like today I will be hopeful, I will do things to the best of my ability, and I will celebrate at the end. Hooray!

Let's get through this one... lots to do today.

Me: Yeah, I had a lot of feelings yesterday. My dad's cowardice, which I had already recognized last spring, finally worked itself out to its logical conclusion. I worked through the rage, and I think most of the shock, and then was left with a deep and enduring sadness, which is still with me. I don't think it will go away anytime soon.

Situation: Well, moving out on a dime is going to be quite difficult - this is apparently a time where 2-bedroom apartments are in high demand (talked to an on-site manager yesterday afternoon). Both of the buildings I called did not bother to call back, either. Sigh. On the other hand, we have more time - Mike is going to take our kid up to Seattle on Sunday, and stay there at his mom's house all week. Sure is a good thing I repaired relations with her, huh?! My mom will come and watch him there so that he can work. That will give me time to "lean in" at work (god I hate that term) and focus all my remaining energy on finding a place.

My dad doesn't know yet that after Sunday morning, he isn't going to see his grandson again for a very, very long time. I'm not actually angry enough to purposefully cut him off - thank goodness for that, for my sake - but I am pretty sure that he won't feel safe enough to come visit for an indefinite period, anyway. I know I need to tell him what's happening eventually, but... I'm so very tired. He just doesn't understand (well, won't understand) that he struck directly at our ability to make a living. He doesn't understand that "safety" is a luxury that he is privileged enough to have, and we aren't. He's going to play bafflement and outrage, I already know, and make it out to be our faults somehow, so that he doesn't have to feel like the cringing coward who just evicted a young family in the middle of a pandemic that he actually is. I'll just have to let it all roll off me and do what I must. I'm just so very, very tired.

Outcome: I suppose I could have reacted a lot worse to all this - I tried to post a cry for help about finding apartments in a hurry in r/portland, and it was deleted immediately, and then tried in r/AskPortland, and it was deleted even faster - LOL! None shall be allowed to post anything negative about Portland!! (Honestly, the virulence of the censorship was a bit of a surprise - so many things I am learning this year...) But, I suppose I'm grateful, it did focus my mind. I went in to work, explained the situation to my boss with a joking tone, and did a solid 4 hours of data entry practice. I went to the next door apartment building and hotel and got their rates and availability on my break. I cuddled my kid and put him to bed. I did not collapse in a heap of tears or post howls of rage everywhere on the Internet. I was just a bit down after work was over. Given the circumstances... perhaps that really was my best possible self.

Let's divinate and get on with the day.

Me: Queen of Hearts (The Empress) - me am pregnant, may also have something to do with food

Situation: 10 of Clubs REVERSED - "do not carry the weight of the world on your shoulders alone"

Outcome: 9 of Hearts REVERSED - NOT doing too much, being selfish

Huh... this is actually rather clear advice (!). "You're pregnant; don't take on too many burdens alone, and don't overdo it!" Well - I doubt an obstetrician could be so clear. OK... I won't overdo it today, cards, thanks :)

Amazing day, just an amazing day so far.

Me: Yes, I've had to be restrained, yesterday and this morning too.

Situation: A man concerned with the physical world - that's what we're dealing with today, for sure. Perhaps the joy in the natural world came from the dinner my husband cooked me last night from the garden, hoping that things would turn for the better. It was delicious.

Outcome: My father has lost his mind about Delta.

I don't have the energy to go into it much, but he doesn't want to allow my mom to come next week to help, or anyone from care.com, and he wants us to quit the daycare. So... that would mean one of us has to quit our job, with no unemployment. We'd be in dire poverty, with no good options for the future. He was so happy when I got this job, telling me what a great opportunity it was like he was trying to overcome my ambiguity - how dare he?! Now he thinks I can just walk away, no big, in order to help him feel safe - how dare he?! He's just... a coward, a cringing coward in the face of Delta.

In a few days he'll likely change his mind and beg us not to go but... I can't go through this again. I have made my choice and I must live by it. And so must he.

So here's the plans set in motion: we have to move. Now. NOW. I've already called two apartment buildings and left messages (it's too early for their office). I can't go through this again. I can't deal with these waves of cowardice that threaten our livelihoods. He couldn't be trying to give me a miscarriage any harder unless he was kicking me in the stomach. So even though it will likely hit our savings hard - we've just got to go.

Ugh... all this and I don't even have the SOP anymore to help me, and I haven't had a spare fucking moment to set up a meditation practice, fuck me fuck me fuck me AND FUCK HIM. I am not going to deal with this anymore. Cowardice has costs.

I guess I still have divination, please cards... support me.

Me: Jack of Hearts - thoughts and feelings bursting forth, which I have suppressed previously

Situation: 10 of Spades (Judgment) REVERSED - "A need to change and the signs that change is due is being ignored by someone involved in the matter."

Outcome: King of Spades (The Emperor) - my best self

Here's how I will interpret the cards. First, yes, feelings I have strongly suppressed are definitely bubbling up today. Second, I think this is telling me to go about the move without panic - to take the time to make a correct decision. Third, I will handle it by being my best self, the best self I can possibly be. And I will make it through.

That's about as good as I'm going to get... let's do the rest of the day, then.

I was going to write back to my mother-in-law, but realized that I am too tired to handle that with the delicacy it requires. First thing tomorrow!

I'm catching up on two days of divinations, but will try to go quickly.

First day of Edgefield, Me: I think this card just represented me traveling, lol! I focused hard on getting us all out to Edgefield, the place I'd been longing to take my family for months now, and which we finally, after several tries, made it to!

First day of Edgefield, Situation: My period didn't start, but I did have insomnia because it was so hot and humid. Also, I wore my mask most of the time indoors, even though almost no one there was wearing one anymore. My reasoning? I was still quite sniffly as I was recovering from this sinus infection, and I didn't want to spook anyone. No one gave me any weird looks, so on balance, that must have been the right choice :)

First day of Edgefield, Outcome: I didn't drink much, and we didn't push ourselves too much either. Finally, there was nothing we really had to "do". I felt a deep sense of relaxation there (and I told every part of myself during the SOP that it was OK to take a break for a little bit, we'd all worked so hard...). So I will count that as Peace through Self-Discipline.

Divination, done right before Lugnasadh ritual:

Me: 8 of Hearts (The Moon): I conducted the heck out of that ritual and it got spooky.

Situation: King of Spades (The Emperor): I think I managed the entire day pretty well - let my husband relax in the AM, got the ritual done, suggested we drive out to Vista House in the Gorge, which was open! The first day since COVID started! What a beautiful place that is... I have such wonderful memories there, and now so does Mike :) Then we managed my mother giving us the completely wrong address for the place to meet her to pick up my son, and not bothering to pick up her phone when we called. Just the same ol' same ol'. We asked the guy living at the wrong address what he thought the right one might have been, put that into our GPS, and got there on time anyway. Heck, he might have been the "Wisdom" part of this card...!

Outcome: 7 of Diamonds (The Star): We hung out for a bit at my mom's friend's farm - her daughter is running it, and has big plans to sell at a farmer's market. Plenty of animals, all sorts of crops growing everywhere... enough to feed all three people in the home for a while if needed. A relaxing atmosphere, and I suddenly realized, a vision of the future - this is what every home with any sort of yard will look like in 20 years - pieces of old cars reused to make chicken coops; a rutted dirt path between all the garden plots because gravel is too expensive; growing a little bit of everything under the sun, and planting young fruit trees with an eye towards the long run... Maybe that recognition would be depressing for most people. But I see in this lifestyle the will to survive. More people that we might think will find that they have it. What we still have, even now... is options. (And I got a good glimpse of just how much I have left to learn... one step at a time!)

Divination, done right now for tomorrow:

Me: 5 of Spades - Possible Disappointment, A Strong Opponent, "danger, struggle, competitive"

Situation: 6 of Hearts (The Lovers) - Love, Beauty, Union "elements that naturally belong together will find each other"

Outcome:7 of Clubs REVERSED - no beavering will happen tomorrow, alas

Not even gonna guess - just gonna SLEEP. Tomorrow awaits!

How quickly the world turns...

Me: Obviously, composing the email this morning was part of my best self. But... there's a power element to the Emperor, as well, and that was made quite clear when my mother-in-law wrote back almost immediately thanking me for explaining my thought process to her (!!), reinstating her offer to let us stay with them after the baby is born, and apologizing for being so emotional earlier. I guess... I won?

Well - if I won, I won the right to keep maintaining our relationship indefinitely. This is my preferred outcome, though; something I didn't dare to hope for, and a great relief to boot. You know, I don't actually hate my mother-in-law! Before this whole episode, I considered her (and her husband) my most reasonable, helpful and outright favorite extended family members. For a while now, I've been trying to cultivate as much forgiveness in advance as I possibly can for how members of my community are going to respond to 2021. So - I've got a bit ready to go! I wrote a brief message thanking her, telling her I felt heard, and that I would write more over the weekend, so that she didn't have to twist in the wind.

I'll meditate a bit on the best way to go forward over the weekend, too. I want to make sure boundaries remain firmly in place, and that reconciliation isn't taken as an opportunity to push further.

Situation: JEEZ LOUISE. Talk about your ups and downs!! This card was on the money.

Outcome: Our good friend Cory came over and we had many nice conversations. And tonight... I'm gonna sleep real well.

On that note, let's divinate!

Me: 6 of Spades - Leaving Worries Behind, A Transition - extra source says "a bridge over troubled waters".

Situation: 9 of Spades - staying awake at night with worry - extra source says this could either mean insomnia or my menses starting as well

Outcome: 2 of Spades (The Hanged Man) - Peace through Self-Discipline, Freedom from Distraction - extra source says a sign that you must accept a change, give something up, and follow your heart

Well here's a narrative... I should be moving on from the mother-in-law issue, my menstrual period might very well start tomorrow, and we will see whether we will have as romantic an evening as we were planning--or not!

Let's get this done! I know it will only be for a half-day, but weirdly enough, I feel like I need the support! ^^;

Me: I need to meditate on what the word "flow" means. Looking at my other source, it mentions "block in emotional connection." All I can connect it to, is me girding my emotional loins yesterday and this morning to solve, as best as is possible, my relationships with my former best friend and my mother-in-law. Which I did with as much efficiency and skill as I could muster. Crying about it wouldn't have worked - logic had to be first and foremost.

The email to Ericka only took ten minutes. Most of that work had already been done. Because I am trying to maintain some level of mutual respect with my mother-in-law, thought, I rewrote the email from scratch three times. First time I was kind of legalistic and snotty, second time was a raw primal scream of grief and betrayal, and the third time (this morning, not yesterday, maybe that's the thing) I hit upon a tone where I clearly explained my logic, drew my boundaries gently but unequivocally, and emphasized over and over again my deep grief that we've found ourselves in this situation. But also with an underlying message: I am an adult, and you cannot order me to do anything. Trying to wave about your money will only make me more determined. As an adult, I will accept whatever the cost of my choices happens to be, but I am NOT a child, and the more you insist on things going your way or the highway the farther away I will pull... and I will take your son and grandchildren with me.

I went on a tangent in the middle that was not really a tangent - expressing to her my legitimate feelings about whether or not I even want to raise children in this society as it currently is, whether following middle-class norms was even worth it anymore, and asking her opinion directly: how far away does she think we would have to go in order to find a society where children can laugh and play together, where neighbors drop by, and where people relax in community? I compared my son's life unfavorably to the Hispanic immigrant kids in the low-income apartments. Because while he has many privileges compared to them, I honest to god think they might have better lives overall right now. She's a smart woman and I think she'll catch the message. And if our family up and leaves this region within the next few years... she can't claim any surprise.

Situation: Yeah, opposite of community is right. I spent most of my emotional energy on effectively cutting back two very deep ties (though we will still maintain contact with my mother-in-law, at least for now). I did drop off a bag of plums downtown for someone so that was a small reprieve from the grim task <3

Outcome: I did what I had to do.

OK, let's get a divination going, so that I can reorient myself to the stuff I still need to do today.

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - me

Situation: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) REVERSED - no balance and moderation today, alas

Outcome: 5 of Hearts REVERSED - "This card deals specifically with recovery from grief"

The process of this divination was a bit of a mess - I went into my room to have some privacy, and then stomped around for about 30 minutes while waves of rage (excuse me, PURE RAGE) passed over me. That explains the Me card from the other day, LOL! The RAGE was what I was so carefully, so determinedly holding back. The RAGE that people who profess to love and care for me don't care about whether or not I even give them a second grandchild or not. The RAGE that they would kill my baby, and maybe even me, just to... what? Preserve their ability to watch more Netflix? Believe that they're such a good person? The RAGE, as I guess I've already explored the sadness, that everything I thought I could reasonably expect from elders and fully-grown adults, they have failed to provide. But... eh. Once it passed, it passed. I've been working through these concepts for a while, lol! I'm trying to fold it into "Project: Become A Better Matriarch". I keep being given all these lessons! I'm so grateful!! LOL!!!

I checked the news afterwards to give myself a break (lol, can you imagine) and noted that CNN is announcing the vaccines have no effect on the Delta variant and that the Wall Street Journal is recommending ivermectin. So let the fireworks begin, I guess.

Anyway, this reading suggests that I am spending today in my power (so far, super true), that things will be really up and down (so far, super true) and that I will find healing and rest in some form by the end of the day. I'll take it!

Sigh... I almost forgot to eat dinner tonight. Remedying now. Husband bringing me food too, I won the jackpot.

Me: I plugged away and got "everything done that scared me", as I told my husband. Also, I did some pretty intense spiritual thinking. It wasn't my "best self" per se (I got pretty cranky with my toddler at bedtime when he wouldn't stop kicking me!), but I did OK. I'll take it.

Situation: "Excess" - yes, that was right. I didn't even GET to the plums. I spent the AM going back and forth politely but firmly with the HR person about just sending out the damn reference surveys, and not harassing anyone who hadn't personally replied to me saying they were OK with receiving them. They're sent! Probably that's the end of it. Oh, and I had to go to the Fed-Ex and literally print out two pieces of paper, sign them, and email them. SO MUCH FOR TECHNOLOGY. I took a 2 hour walk in the middle of the day because I haven't been getting enough exercise, and I'm trying to be nicer to my body, you know? Then I finally sent out the capstone email for last weekend's meeting, and then followed up with the Druid priest. I don't know whether I ever want to receive replies to either of those last two emails, but for my own integrity, I had to send them. I was so exhausted at one point that I started trembling. And I forgot to eat dinner! ^^; Lemme tell ya, during the SOP (last thing tonight), my body was QUITE annoyed with me...

Outcome: I kicked off any number of plans today. First, I finally got over the hump (I think) on the final piece that caused me any concern whatsoever about getting this job. Everything else should be boilerplate. Should. Just knocked on wood. I might also have continued the Ecosophia meetup in my region beyond a flash in the pan. I might also have set up another Druid initiation in October. I think that's it. Or maybe I'm just really tired.

Let's divinate and go to bed.

Me: Jack of Spades - Caution, Potential

Situation: 3 of Diamonds - Craftsmanship, Successful Collaboration, Admiration

Outcome: 2 of Clubs - Debate, A Passionate Conversation

Oog... should I even be surprised any more when the cards directly reference my plans? Easy potential narrative tomorrow: I am cautious about my plans for both plum delivery and talking to my old friend Ericka, she of the ultimate science bent, but there's enough possibility for good to be done out of both of them that I will go forward. Successful collaboration will happen as I manage to deliver some plums to people (or set them out to be picked up). And... at 8:30 PM in the evening, Ericka and I will have a "Debate, Passionate Conversation." Fun!

For what it's worth - not to get too far into 'writing is my only therapy' territory - last year, I considered Ericka my very best friend I'd ever had. We talked for hours at least once a week, and she had promised to edit my first finished short story. Then... she responded coolly when I called her in a burst of emotion (rare for me) my best friend, and I was a little bit hurt but accepted it wasn't mutual and never brought it up again. Next, she failed to even respond when I sent her my first ever finished rough draft (of a personal project not for school), after no fewer than 100 hours of work with that goal in mind. This was a real betrayal, and I struggled with it on many dark nights, but I finally choked down my anger and got another editor for the rewrite (one major one completed; the project still in limbo, however). Finally, I texted her to ask if she wanted a call three times in a row last March, and she did not respond to a single one. I actually got a divination done by another Dreamwidth user to see whether I should reach out again - I was told I should not. So I let it go. And as I realized that I might become some variety of "vaccine refuser", I became grateful that we'd ended our regular contact.

Now that I've been gone long enough to be missed... it seems she wants to talk again. Well! I know enough about how she treats her men (she is very, very single in her mid-40s) to see a bit of what's going on here. At the same time, she is smart (in a particular sort of way - I know her well enough to see her glaring blind spots, though no doubt she thinks the same in the other direction) and fun to talk to. I'd like to catch up on how her family is doing. I'm honestly not sure whether we will ever see each other again, or if this might be our last-ever conversation. I'll be the Jack - cautious, with cards held close to my chest - but holding the door open for some sort of potential. We don't need to be best friends... I recognized upon much thought that it would be too painful to her to have such a close relationship with me, for a lot of personal baggage reasons. But it would be nice to keep her as a sometimes-friend, when the weather is sunny.

It's possible I won't be able to make a divination post on time tomorrow, given the scheduling. We'll see.

Let's see how much of this we can get through before my kid needs to go to bed...

Me card: Clearly referencing my recognition today that, as I have spent my entire life thus far as a direct beneficiary of a community of rich liberals, to suffer at their hands is its own type of karma, and to receive a dose of it in the exact same life, a blessing. Combined with the realization that if I try to explain this to literally anyone I know, they'll consider me to have lost my mind. Sigh. Onward...

Situation card: On an impulse I made a post on the Portland reddit of all places, offering to give away some of the plums that our backyard tree is laden with - I just couldn't bear to think of them being completely wasted, and my dad doesn't want to make jam etc. out of them. The response was overwhelming!! So as soon as my toddler is back in daycare, I'll be driving them all over the area (Dad doesn't want people on the property). That should take up a bit of time, but... it'll be nice to have a positive project! And I can just drop them off on porches/wear a mask if necessary, so it's much easier social contact.

Outcome card: Subtle, but I had a mostly lovely time with my toddler today, got the chance to take a nap in the afternoon, and walked in the park in the early evening (and did a ritual there). I do feel like I went towards healing today - I think my cold is continuing to improve as well (not done yet tho!) With any luck, my toddler is completely better now - we'll see.

Today's divination, then:

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - my best possible self

Situation: 9 of Hearts - Selfishness, Excess

Outcome: 10 of Hearts (Wheel of Fortune) - Plans set in motion

Uh, well, I think I see what tomorrow's shaping up like... I'll have the best possible intentions (and might live up to them?) but probably bit off more than I can chew with the plum thing, lol. I wonder what further plans will be set in motion? I've got several potential options... but let's see. And let's keep them close to home, for goodness' sake.

Finding myself up later than I expected... I fell asleep cuddling my son tonight. This is always a wonderful ending to a day, so I can't complain :)

Starting off today, I wasn't sure that the positive divination would necessarily be true - I was quite tense, waiting for that call. But... it didn't come. And didn't come. And didn't come. Here we are past midnight and obviously it still hasn't come.

I still have one more day to possibly be both made far wealthier, yet intensely burdened, with that offer. But as I contemplated it not coming, or it coming with bad news (or - would it be?), I became steadily calmer.

As I did the SOP late in the afternoon I reached out for the first time and had a conversation directly with my Heart, at that part of the ritual. It was pretty casual - like "sup? You doing OK in there?" And I heard the voice back loud and clear - "Yes, thanks for asking." I realized that it hadn't really been OK in there for a while. Neither of the two jobs I've been seriously considering over the past few weeks have brought forth a positive reaction from my Heart in any way. Today was the first time in a while I felt my chest fully relax during the ritual. Me and my body are starting to get along far better in recent days (I finally went to the gym, yay!), but I've been telling my heart to put up and shut up. I may yet have to force it back into an unwilling box. But if this job fades away... the truth is... it will be first and foremost an enormous relief.

And should I be so fortunate as to be freed from this burden, as a result of being the best possible person I know how to be at this time... I am taking A BREAK from the job hunt! Sheesh! I don't even really need to work right now (for a corporation, at least - heaven knows I have a pile of things to work on for my/the family's sake...) - why am I still dragging myself through this muck?!

I think I've got another read on the King of Spades/Emperor card. It's me, of course, but it's specifically me working deliberately towards what I know I need to work on. Mostly in a spiritual sense. The card is drawn as if it's a wise, seasoned, not-entirely-of-this-world general of an army. I'm going to see it as the best possible form of what I might become--maybe even my Higher Self. Thanks to Violet for giving me that vocabulary.

And of course the clarity and simplicity of what I feel right now... is The Sun card. Perhaps it is even a new life. I feel like I've passed through some stuff, over these past weeks. Maybe even burned a little karma.

Well - let's take the reading for tomorrow, shall we? And see whether my respite is temporary...

Me: Ace of Spades REVERSED - not so much for the focus and clarity, sigh

Situation: Queen of Hearts (The Empress) - Fertility, responsibility to nature

Outcome: King of Diamonds - Generosity, Happiness found in nature or spirituality

Well, this is interesting... it's almost like it's predicting I could still get the job? :/ Or just that I doubt my current clarity. Or maybe that something else entirely comes up and distracts me! :) Of course getting the Empress makes me think "R I PREGANANTE" but... I'm not, I'm pretty sure. It could be predicting something about family or my love life, though. And that outcome card... makes me think I'll finally be able to sit down and submit the curriculum! That would be a pretty good day, whatever else happens :)

Another accurate day (who is surprised? not me). Tired and want to spend time with my husband, so will go through quickly.

As usual with the Jack of Hearts card, it was a day of feelings I've been sitting on for a while bubbling up to the surface. I ranted and raved at my husband as we took our usual trip to a coffee shop mid-day about how everyone around us is just SO CRAZY right now, omg!! It was... relieving! He took it well and mostly agreed, lol. I think he was relieved at how relatively normal these feelings were, compared to the truly intense moods I've been in over the last few days...

The 2 of Clubs was met at least 2 different ways, maybe 3 - I had a huge discussion with a good friend online about his book he asked me to read about "conversion experiences" (it is by his favorite philosopher). Reading a book about conversion experiences as someone recently converted is a TRIP by the way. I had at least three recruiters call me about random positions, to the point where I was about to throw the phone across the room (yet another source of rant!).

And of course, I had the final (I hope) interview for Avery Denison. This was with the HR person. I may have more energy to give an outline later, but let's just say 1) The offer still seems to be on its way, sometime by Friday, though I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't arrive, as they are checking AGAIN with the overseas big boss 2) She was a consummate professional but I can tell through her words that everything is on fire at their offices regarding office vaccination policy 3) They are clearly trying not to have a large chunk of their employees immediately quit - either because they don't require everyone to vaccinate, or because they require everyone to vaccinate 4) I am ready to roll with either outcome, just let me KNOW argh!

I think it's clear enough how the Outcome card is working out today.

Let's divinate...

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - me when I am in control/at my best, yay! Also, wisdom, sheathed sword, yada yada.

Situation: 9 of Spades REVERSED - no keeping me up all night with worries YAY

Outcome: 9 of Clubs (The Sun) - Clarity, Simplicity, New Life

Praise the gods, a positive day likely lies ahead... it's interesting that I have NO clue whether I will get the job, not get the job, or be kept in suspense. But then again - I didn't ask that! I only ever ask "What do I need to know about the events of tomorrow?" And so far, it seems like tomorrow will be a good day :) Boy... am I ready for one of those.

Let's get through this while the kid is in the bath...

Another accurate divination today. I spent most of this (hot, HOT) day commenting on spiritual websites, and managed to offer some advice I think to a commentator on a different site. I felt very much in my role as someone with something intellectually relevant to add, perhaps even wisdom. The sheathed sword, again, felt relevant too.

I think the egregore or whatever of Amazon has definitely hijacked the only career card with a large body of water on it... because today was all Amazon, all the time. I took three calls from the recruiter.

And - I think I feel the "not an announcement" part of the Judgement card. Because we're leaving it today at "can I have another reference??" from this recruiter. (ANOTHER reference, sheesh, come on lady! :/) I'll eventually email Candice from two contracts ago, but I have no energy to do it, really. It's too damn hot for this. So we're not really slam-dunking this yet. I think that's the association.

What will be my divination for tomorrow, after the oppressive heat finally GTFOs?

Me: 7 of Spades (The Chariot) - A Triumph, A Breakthrough, An Inventive Solution

Situation: 3 of Hearts - Celebration

Outcome: Queen of Hearts (The Empress) - Fertility, Responsibility to Nature

Interesting - looking up more information on the Me card (because it really confuses me) shows that it has something to do with either determination, or strategy, or both. I wonder what I'll need to strategize? I'm just going to guess that I'll be celebrating this damn heat wave ending. And the outcome card... would I become pregnant, if Mike and I didn't use protection tomorrow? :) Don't think I'll find out. But will something to do with me as a mother happen? I'll have to see - this is the first time I've drawn this card!

Rushing through this while kid is playing loudly in the bath.

I'd say the divination was accurate. It's too hot today for me to be comfortable... period. Nothing particularly exciting happened. There was no opponent and no game. I did finally work through some feelings I had about the cat's death in my last post, and I recognized while I was writing them out that I approached the issue of the cat much like the King of Spades card - powerful, effective, distant, masculine, with a sheathed sword.

I have drawn the King of Spades/Emperor card more often than any other, I'm fairly sure. I think... it represents me. I have a very strong masculine and intellectual side, which I play down somewhat in most interactions (I also feel completely and comfortably female, for the record). But inside my head, I've always felt tipped more to the masculine than feminine. No doubt my naturally high testosterone levels underlie this. But of course, I think there is a spiritual side to it as well (my previous incarnation).

In any case... let's pull some cards while my kid is still distracted.

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - the card I literally just said was me

Situation: King of Hearts - Sensitivity and Creativity channeled into Professional Success

Outcome: 10 of Spades (Judgement) REVERSED - NO waking up, announcement

Gotta love how creepy tarot can be sometimes! Looks like I will be fully, unambiguously myself tomorrow. COOL BEANS. The King of Hearts card either represents Amazon directly (the man is actually standing in a big body of water??) or that I will have career success in some way. The reversed judgement card... is way, way more ambiguous. It could either mean "it won't be decided today" or "you won't be waking up from your shitty tech career after all" or... I don't know. I've never drawn this card before, so I will need to learn what it means for me.

COOL. BEANS.

Interesting day today!

Over the course of the day, the worries lessened gradually about the upcoming Amazon thing... I'm mostly calm about it now. Mostly. Though I admit I did wake up a few times with them on the previous night, so there's that.

I think both the other cards weren't about me at all, but my friend Cory. The Hierophant reversed represented me, offering him the chance at doing a banishing spell, from a source outside of all official tradition. He took all my books pretty eagerly and I think he'll at least give it a chance. So... the Jack of Clubs would be him :)

After this long, hot day, let's do a divination and get to bed!

Me: 8 of Diamonds REVERSED - NO comfort achieved through hard work and persistence

Situation: 5 of Spades REVERSED - NO possible disappointment, powerful opponent

Outcome: King of Spades - Wisdom, Authority, a man in charge.

My guess about this... I'm not going to be very comfortable tomorrow, lol. Not too surprising given the heat! The situation card to me suggests "nothing happens". And the outcome card... hmm. This card seems to represent me expressing spiritual authority (even if only to the tomatoes). I wonder if I'll finally start to get traction on the next part of the Druid path sometime tomorrow? Once I survive the heat, that is! :)

Today was a really... relaxed day, all in all. Tomorrow probably won't be. But we'll get there...

I am really interested in what The Emperor means to me, as I've drawn this card several times now. According to my tarot book, it is related to being a strong and effective male in charge. Uh... does that make me "Daddy"? ;) But I find myself focusing in on the goat head (mystery, mysticism) and the sheathed sword. I regularly get what I would call authoritative impulses, which fortunately I can channel into giving a lecture to the tomatoes nowadays, which is where they belong. While I was ostensibly out there getting ready to do the SOP, I took 20 minutes to lecture on local native American history to an imaginary classroom instead. I've always wished that I could be a teacher of... well, literally anything. And I'd be the first to admit that my intellect leans masculine. (Possibly because my soul has a strong memory of my previous incarnation.) To have wisdom, which I sometimes feel I do, should be enough, but for my ego it isn't quite enough. I work hard to temper the frankly counter-productive impulse to tell other people that they're wrong, which fortunately I'm actually wise enough to know - intellectually - is a bad and counterproductive thing to do. But, it's a struggle sometimes! LOL. I understand that there's a process I yet need to go through, though - that I need to be stronger, in a variety of interpretations. I'm not yet qualified. I think I'm working on that, though. I hope so.

I bring it up because it's the closest thing I've been able to associate with this card a couple times in a row now. It'll be interesting to see if that association continues.

I've suddenly realized that the Queen of Diamonds was probably referencing - yesterday too! - the damn book report I just completed. It was a very in-depth review of a book that focused on every possible aspect of the river that is central to the wide valley that I live in. I understand SO much more about the geography of my own home now! That's a dead-ringer for Mastery, not control of Nature :)

And... I did indeed send out those emails! :) Charity and harmony and brunch offered! And prepared as well as I could for the next three days which I will be spending with my son. And on that note...

Me: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) - Balance, Moderation

Situation: King of Clubs (The Magician) - Skill, Transformation

Outcome: 9 of Diamonds (The Hermit) - Sacrifice without Regret, Self-Care

All three major arcana, and very different from the cards I've been drawing... here comes a different type of day! ^^;

I also see how it's gonna go, sigh. I'll be very patient and we'll have a pretty good day (skill will be at hand to make things fun for Grayson), but by the end of it I'll be wiped. Uh oh, I have two more days after this... but we'll figure that out then!

Let's see if I can get this in before my son's bath...

First, I had a slightly different perspective occur to me for the Devil card yesterday. Early in the day I allowed myself to read the weekly Collapse thread (I only read it once a week now). I ran across, as I often do, a poster who is actively abusing their children with their collapse ideology, and painting it as "being honest with them about the situation". Few things piss me off more. I was extremely, extremely tempted to log into reddit and give them the equivalent of a backhand across the face by text.

And... I didn't.

Instead, I logged in and posted some resources for someone else in the thread who asked about Gnosticism. That exchange went extremely well and I may actually have helped them in some way. Success!

I suppose that's a textbook example of temptation, which I did not give in to. I tend to look for the Outcome card near the end of the day, though, so missed it earlier! Something to contemplate for sure.

And now, the rest of the review:

I cannot tell whether or not I made mistakes today. I did end up a bit uncomfortable hiking across Portland on a 95 degree day, which really, I should have maybe figured out (and worn yoga pants underneath my skirt). My tarot book thought that reversed 5 of Hearts means that you DON'T make mistakes, which, all in all it was a good day, so maybe? Something to keep an eye on.

Harmony between inside and out: yeah, I definitely felt that, especially as I made several comment posts about spiritual matters in between walking, drinking a beer, and doing approximately half of a book review. It was an absolutely delightful day, balmy and bright. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.

Freedom, the fool: I wonder if this card represents a feeling of "I'm living my best liiiiiife!" And not overthinking it. I'm definitely there, no question. For better or worse!

OK, it could also be that I'm actually sending a job application in for one of the most ridiculous, rambling recruiter calls I've ever taken in my 35 years on Earth. This could really be a Fool action. But let's let it play out, and find out...

OK, now to tomorrow's cards!

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - Wisdom, Experience, Authority

Situation: Queen of Diamonds - Bond between internal and external, mastery but not control of nature

Outcome: 6 of Diamonds - Charity, Harmony, Cooperation

No complaints, this is a very positive reading, but I do wonder - what DOES King of Spades mean? I'm getting an impression of "positive spiritual authority". I'll try to pay close attention and see if I can figure it out. For the rest of it... I have a very pleasant excursion planned... and maybe I'll finally get around to sending out those extra invites for the Ecosophian meetup! Shoulda done it today, whoops. Is that a mistake, maybe?! In any case... not starting my kid's bath would be a mistake!

Things have been going so well here that I'd almost forgotten that there could be a miss - but today, I can only conclude there was one.

I was the reversed 4 of Hearts, so should have lacked hesitation and fear of former mistakes... and I did send out the invite for the Ecosophia meet-up, and boldly rejoin Meetup.com (a profoundly depressing experience, to see everyone still mostly Zooming or insisting on vaccinated people only, sigh...), but I also had scheduled myself to call up the local food bank, which I donate to, and offer my services as a volunteer. And I have to admit - it was the exact opposite from the card. Despite being ready on a practical and logical level to do this, I have been so burned by volunteer experiences in the past, I wandered about doing literally anything else for 30 minutes (!!) before I finally forced myself to dial their number. And after all that... they didn't pick up, and their inbox was full! LOL! I will try again next Monday, and hopefully not waste 30 minutes of my day beforehand. But the point remains, that the card doesn't seem to have been accurate.

I did manage to write 90% of the candidacy statement - I should have just enough time to finish it tomorrow in order to submit it on the solstice itself. I suppose the situation/outcome cards were somewhat accurate on that account. I wonder if the distraction from yesterday also affected the divination? I was trying not to be annoyed by a lot of ambient noise while I performed it...

Our old cat spent today working hard on passing from this world, and that definitely affected my day quite a bit. I have a lot of thoughts on that but am too exhausted to put them down properly. Tomorrow, I will eulogize her properly. She is still - just barely - with us right now.

Let's do tomorrow's divination, for the holiday.

Me: 6 of Clubs (The Tower) REVERSED - No earth-shattering change of perspective is on order

Situation: 6 of Diamonds - Charity, Harmony, Cooperation

Outcome: 4 of Clubs - Solid Foundations, Stability, Celebration

Oh, I'm so relieved at this reading I almost cried... I am unlikely to suddenly realize I made a mistake in choosing Druidry as my path. Not that I thought I would - I've been planning this for 3 months - but still. The solstice ceremony should be harmonious and hopefully they will be charitably to me, a noob. And this should form a solid foundation going forward, as well as be a celebration. And - hopefully my husband will be OK with the vaccine. I will pray for him... and for our cat.

Not a lot of time today! At warp speed!!

Yes, I definitely lacked focus and clarity today. I even almost locked my keys into my car... yeesh! And I did not get done nearly as much as I had hoped. But - good enough, good enough.

I had a few episodes of thoughts I'd held inside bubbling up to the surface - sigh - that must be what the Jack of Hearts represents for me. I told my husband to stop burping so loudly, for example! He took it with good humor, thankfully.

Also I haven't made even the slightest effort today to stay on schedule, or to stay on others' schedule. No repetitive stability motions here, sigh. I'm 90 minutes past my kid's bedtime. There will be consequences, probably... he's enjoying the extended day at the moment though. The solstice's approach is helping.

Let's divinate!

Me: 4 of Hearts REVERSED - NO hesitation to try something new, fear of past mistakes

Situation: King of Spades (The Emperor) - Wisdom, Experience, Authority

Outcome: Ace of Hearts - Emotional, Spiritual or Creative Flow

A nice reading! :) I hope this means that I will send out the invite to the Ecosophian meetup with the best of hopes and no fears. And that I will finish my Druidry candidate statement within tomorrow. Signs are promising! ;) And on that note... gotta get my kid into that bath, and to bed!

As is common, it's starting to seem, the divination was again... correct. I took a long-overdue hike in Forest Park and the Rose Garden, and it wasn't overdue at all, because so close to the solstice, after several days of soaking rain, and then the first day of brilliant sun - the plants were ebullient. I admit I had thought yesterday "What the heck am I going to be celebrating?" But it isn't me that was celebrating today - it was the plants and trees and life itself in this beautiful, beautiful corner of the Earth. I could feel it so strongly it took my breath away. I even took a lot of terrible pictures, that in no way captured the experience of being alive and walking through the forest on this day.

Perhaps it was in response, perhaps it was just that time of my cycle (testosterone yay), but I had a bit of a... manifestation?... in my own mind of the Emperor. I spontaneously composed a poem in my mind with a soaring and triumphal tone, sort of a call-and-repeat, about how faith gives one strength to do what is necessary blah blah etc. (I am a terrible poet, but the mood of it all is more the point). It was the type of poem to be shouted aloud at a conference, to make the listeners alternately weep and rejoice and feel strong themselves. Much like a general rallying an army... It was a bit of ego, no doubt (and I am truly, truly a terrible poet) but the feelings it was trying to express are something a bit closer to wisdom.

For a while now, I have recognized that anything we are going to save from this era as we move into the next one is going to depend on some sort of religion for its survival. Fleshing out this thought would be an entire post in itself, which I don't have time for, but faith - the thing that depends on more than the evidence of one's eyes, goes deeper than endlessly hashed-out logic, and which can enforce strict taboos with deadly consequences for violators - is the only thing strong enough to carry them through. Ironically, only a religious revival can possible save science now. But... more on that later.

Finally, at the very end of the day, I spent almost an hour very, very, very, very, very carefully digging up a baby oak tree out of the backyard, and replanting it into a pot. I have tried to properly transplant... four or five??... young oak trees out of the garden so far this year, and lost every last one of them :/ But with each baby tree sacrifice, I've gotten a crash course in how NOT to do it. I ended up lying flat on my stomach on the grass digging out the taproot through 8 inches of clay. It felt like crude surgery (which of course it was). Caution - but also potential. Will this one, finally, be my Druid tree?? Only time will tell - but it is safely out of the reach of squirrels and in 6 inches of good, well-watered soil. Fingers crossed!

Quickly, tomorrow's div:

Me: Ace of Spades REVERSED - No focus, clarity

Situation: Jack of Hearts - Hidden feelings coming to the surface, contemplation

Outcome: 8 of Clubs REVERSED - NO repetition, constant motion to build stability

Oosh. But... not surprising. I'm going to a job fair tomorrow that I have no interest in (just doing it for unemployment stuff). I have no focus or clarity around my job hunt. I wouldn't be surprised if more of the adjacent-to-PTSD I have from my last job wells up while I'm talking to people there, either. Which means... this whole reading basically says "You are not going to get a job tomorrow." I knew that much. I am not going to be building up my nest - I'll be continuing to fall instead. But as they say... so mote it be. OK, time to put the kid to bed!

We had another slam dunk today. First, I spent the morning feeling cautious (ding ding) because I am concerned I will say the wrong thing - or say the right thing in the wrong way - about my husband's upcoming vaccination (ding ding). I'm pushing down fears about his health - the data I've come across suggests that about 85% of people who take it have no serious side effects, so that's not the worst odds - but I want to try and avoid the mistake we made in 2016, where we OD'd on marijuana (don't laugh, it's possible) and my husband panicked and called an ambulance. That dumb shit cost us thousands of dollars. I'm genuinely concerned the same thing will happen again. Then again, even a $$$$$ bill would be better than the health issues, no? But... gotta bring it up the right way. Carefully.

Also, I'd be interested to hear my mother-in-law explain away the spike protein issue. Maybe I can see if he will ask her about it. Carefully...

Finally, I spent the entire evening learning how to make soup. But the split pea soup was a rousing success! That's two in a row, I am learning some tricks in the kitchen! That's scholarship for sure :)

Gonna do this quick because I am tired tonight - cooking always takes it out of me.

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - Wisdom, Experience, Authority

Situation: 3 of Hearts - A Party or Celebration

Outcome: Jack of Spades - Caution, Potential

Hmm - a decent day, I suspect. I'll definitely not mind being the Emperor as I go about my day... thinking back to the last time I drew this card, perhaps I'll have another job interview? I know I'll be applying for one! I'm not sure what I'll be celebrating but I'm up for it :) And ending up with caution/potential... I'll keep an eye out. Maybe this means that the conversation is happening tomorrow night. Deep breaths...

OK, to bed.

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sh1njuk1

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