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Since I was a young child, I've constantly made up stories to amuse myself. In recent years, I've recognized that these stories often serve a second function: to help me comprehend something. Lately, I think that's extended to helping me process my own life events. Spiritual enough to be on a spiritual blog? Well... if it wasn't trying to tell me something important, it wouldn't have been on re-run in my mind for the past month straight, now would it? So I've decided in cases like these to add stories, occasionally, to this blog.
This story, just like most of my stories, is a mish-mash of recent cultural inputs and events that have happened to me and others. The main parts of it appeared in my mind at once in a flash--that's usually how they happen--but a few plot holes have been filled in as I've watched and re-watched (so to speak) the "movie" in my head.
My stories usually have a set "viewing mode" - they don't translate super well to other modes. This one appeared to me in the style of a 3D animated Disney musical of recent vintage - colorful, family drama, light-hearted tone, but hiding surprisingly deep themes. (I was recently watching clips of Encanto.) I'll do my best to spit it out in text form.
( We start off with a scrappy hero on the cusp of adulthood, like most of these films do... )
This story, just like most of my stories, is a mish-mash of recent cultural inputs and events that have happened to me and others. The main parts of it appeared in my mind at once in a flash--that's usually how they happen--but a few plot holes have been filled in as I've watched and re-watched (so to speak) the "movie" in my head.
My stories usually have a set "viewing mode" - they don't translate super well to other modes. This one appeared to me in the style of a 3D animated Disney musical of recent vintage - colorful, family drama, light-hearted tone, but hiding surprisingly deep themes. (I was recently watching clips of Encanto.) I'll do my best to spit it out in text form.
( We start off with a scrappy hero on the cusp of adulthood, like most of these films do... )
Better late than never! Also, I finally remembered my Dreamwidth password! Woooo! Back to blogging.
It's been... a crazy period. To put it mildly.
I celebrated Imbolc in an empty dining room in the new apartment - my husband was in the next state over with his mom, my own mom was watching my son at the old apartment. I found some flowers in the suburban neighborhood where my son's daycare is; I used milk for the libation. (Couldn't find local, as farmer's market was not active yet, but I did at least get organic.) I draped the little table with a blue towel and shoved all the boxes out of the way. I lit every candle I owned and put them on the kitchen counter. I still had to read the text out of the book.
At least this time - in the quiet, in the peace of the otherwise empty place - the goddess did visit. Ana, in my vision, was extremely round, somewhere between a fertility goddess and a circle. She floated off the ground, looming higher than me. Her "head" if you can call it that was three circles, a larger one and then two smaller ones sort of blobbed onto the sides. (More like an atom than Mickey Mouse.)
I prayed to her and then she spoke quite clearly to me: "Now, enough of that--go back and do what you need to do." It wasn't quite a blunt as the words come across, but the message was unmistakable. Her presence vanished so quickly I didn't even need to resolve the energy back into the earth. I blew out the candles and went back home, and did what I needed to do.
My husband ended up having to spend a week in a psych hold, and then spent another two weeks doing an outpatient program. It was a textbook mental breakdown - thankfully nothing more. I held down my job, took care of my child (with my mom's help) and moved us out of the old place and into the new one. My husband came home, and slowly... we calmed down, and started to rebuild our life.
Alban Eiler was, I believe, held the exact week they finally lifted the mask mandate in Oregon. I was a bit shaky that week - finding it hard to believe that after two years of all this supreme nonsense we could finally... walk in the door of public places without covering our faces. But it was over, and at least at this point it hasn't come back.
This time, the ceremony was public - held in a park with the small Druid church that I celebrated the solstice with last year. My heart almost broke when I couldn't attend their winter solstice potluck, when I had to do an early family Christmas instead... Full disclosure, we were rushing around that morning and I came late to the ceremony. But I put on my robes and rushed in to join the circle anyway. The elements were saluted and then we built a fire together, and had a potluck. It was so nice to just... talk to people. People who weren't afraid of anything. People who were doing OK. When we closed the circle, I felt the energy rushing back to the Earth so strongly it made me dizzy.
Great news - they're going to do a Beltane meeting too! :) No ritual, however, so I'll be doing that one at home I think. I just bought some local elderflower cider to use for the libation. I'll probably do that one in the dining room as well... but now it will be a dining room in a lived-in home, with the scent of a garden wafting in through the back door.
I can't wait.
It's been... a crazy period. To put it mildly.
I celebrated Imbolc in an empty dining room in the new apartment - my husband was in the next state over with his mom, my own mom was watching my son at the old apartment. I found some flowers in the suburban neighborhood where my son's daycare is; I used milk for the libation. (Couldn't find local, as farmer's market was not active yet, but I did at least get organic.) I draped the little table with a blue towel and shoved all the boxes out of the way. I lit every candle I owned and put them on the kitchen counter. I still had to read the text out of the book.
At least this time - in the quiet, in the peace of the otherwise empty place - the goddess did visit. Ana, in my vision, was extremely round, somewhere between a fertility goddess and a circle. She floated off the ground, looming higher than me. Her "head" if you can call it that was three circles, a larger one and then two smaller ones sort of blobbed onto the sides. (More like an atom than Mickey Mouse.)
I prayed to her and then she spoke quite clearly to me: "Now, enough of that--go back and do what you need to do." It wasn't quite a blunt as the words come across, but the message was unmistakable. Her presence vanished so quickly I didn't even need to resolve the energy back into the earth. I blew out the candles and went back home, and did what I needed to do.
My husband ended up having to spend a week in a psych hold, and then spent another two weeks doing an outpatient program. It was a textbook mental breakdown - thankfully nothing more. I held down my job, took care of my child (with my mom's help) and moved us out of the old place and into the new one. My husband came home, and slowly... we calmed down, and started to rebuild our life.
Alban Eiler was, I believe, held the exact week they finally lifted the mask mandate in Oregon. I was a bit shaky that week - finding it hard to believe that after two years of all this supreme nonsense we could finally... walk in the door of public places without covering our faces. But it was over, and at least at this point it hasn't come back.
This time, the ceremony was public - held in a park with the small Druid church that I celebrated the solstice with last year. My heart almost broke when I couldn't attend their winter solstice potluck, when I had to do an early family Christmas instead... Full disclosure, we were rushing around that morning and I came late to the ceremony. But I put on my robes and rushed in to join the circle anyway. The elements were saluted and then we built a fire together, and had a potluck. It was so nice to just... talk to people. People who weren't afraid of anything. People who were doing OK. When we closed the circle, I felt the energy rushing back to the Earth so strongly it made me dizzy.
Great news - they're going to do a Beltane meeting too! :) No ritual, however, so I'll be doing that one at home I think. I just bought some local elderflower cider to use for the libation. I'll probably do that one in the dining room as well... but now it will be a dining room in a lived-in home, with the scent of a garden wafting in through the back door.
I can't wait.
I'm sitting in my favorite chocolate shop - exciting times!! We just signed the lease on a new place yesterday, hooray :) But because life gets crazy all at once, my husband finally cracked a bit after months of working completely alone in our awful plastic apartment, and he just left to spend a few weeks at his mom's place to recover from getting constant panic attacks all last week. He will be spending the daytime working next to a daycare the family runs, so that he can hear children talking and laughing and feel a part of society again.
I wish he had given me a heads-up earlier about how much he was suffering, but I was going through so much of my own stress (the move to the private office was the key, I am able to handle my job now! And also turn off the goddamn florescent lights - I have a grandma lamp from Goodwill with a non-LED bulb!) at the time that I probably couldn't have helped.
Anyway. Miraculously, I managed to get a new place scouted out anyway. It has one more bedroom, costs $600 less, and is one block away from the old place. The freed-up cash will go towards getting my husband into a co-working space to support his continuing mental health. This place is big enough for us to have our second child comfortably, so once all this is sorted, that's the next life plan :) I have two weeks to move, I'll be taking care of our son all by myself, and I'll still be working full-time.
Today is probably my last moment to myself for some time - I have a vacation day today, but the daycare was open. So I am properly stocking up on chocolate (I'm gonna need it) and using this blog to make a to-do list!
1) I need to start the process of breaking our current lease. Just to get a reference number, I was calling all around yesterday; this shithole of an HGTV set apartment changed management companies last month and I kept getting re-routed to someone in Texas. Maybe at least they will be able to process my lease breaking - they should be set up to process my check, at least? I hope? Anyway, I need to call them. LOL I just called them... got rerouted to Texas again! But at least Texas dude said he would leave a message with them and ask them to call me. Hopefully I will get a call tomorrow.
2) Finances! I completed most of them last week but I need to proceed with them this week! At least let me check the total I have in my checking account, to get ready for the bills as they start to roll in. OK, this is done - I should have enough to pay what is coming up.
3) Food shopping! I need to stock up on what my kid likes to eat, so that we have enough going forward that I don't have to do extra shopping, because I really won't have time, lol. Winco is a cheap place to get this stuff, so I'll be going there.
4) My husband tried to join me at my office last week - it didn't work out, as I need privacy to focus on the logic problems that are my entire stupid job, and not to be dealing with someone incredibly emotionally needy like unfortunately my husband was at the time. I'll need to grab the heavier stuff he brought with him, and take it home in the car.
5) I need to write and mail several letters. My cousin tragically died of COVID; I need to send my aunt a sympathy card. I need to return a key fob to the coworking agency I went to in 2020 (it's quite overdue). I need to write a last postcard to a friend of mine, to finish out the set. Just got all the addresses for doing this later.
And finally... start packing boxes. I can start moving them next weekend!! Exciting!! :)
I wish he had given me a heads-up earlier about how much he was suffering, but I was going through so much of my own stress (the move to the private office was the key, I am able to handle my job now! And also turn off the goddamn florescent lights - I have a grandma lamp from Goodwill with a non-LED bulb!) at the time that I probably couldn't have helped.
Anyway. Miraculously, I managed to get a new place scouted out anyway. It has one more bedroom, costs $600 less, and is one block away from the old place. The freed-up cash will go towards getting my husband into a co-working space to support his continuing mental health. This place is big enough for us to have our second child comfortably, so once all this is sorted, that's the next life plan :) I have two weeks to move, I'll be taking care of our son all by myself, and I'll still be working full-time.
Today is probably my last moment to myself for some time - I have a vacation day today, but the daycare was open. So I am properly stocking up on chocolate (I'm gonna need it) and using this blog to make a to-do list!
1) I need to start the process of breaking our current lease. Just to get a reference number, I was calling all around yesterday; this shithole of an HGTV set apartment changed management companies last month and I kept getting re-routed to someone in Texas. Maybe at least they will be able to process my lease breaking - they should be set up to process my check, at least? I hope? Anyway, I need to call them. LOL I just called them... got rerouted to Texas again! But at least Texas dude said he would leave a message with them and ask them to call me. Hopefully I will get a call tomorrow.
2) Finances! I completed most of them last week but I need to proceed with them this week! At least let me check the total I have in my checking account, to get ready for the bills as they start to roll in. OK, this is done - I should have enough to pay what is coming up.
3) Food shopping! I need to stock up on what my kid likes to eat, so that we have enough going forward that I don't have to do extra shopping, because I really won't have time, lol. Winco is a cheap place to get this stuff, so I'll be going there.
4) My husband tried to join me at my office last week - it didn't work out, as I need privacy to focus on the logic problems that are my entire stupid job, and not to be dealing with someone incredibly emotionally needy like unfortunately my husband was at the time. I'll need to grab the heavier stuff he brought with him, and take it home in the car.
5) I need to write and mail several letters. My cousin tragically died of COVID; I need to send my aunt a sympathy card. I need to return a key fob to the coworking agency I went to in 2020 (it's quite overdue). I need to write a last postcard to a friend of mine, to finish out the set. Just got all the addresses for doing this later.
And finally... start packing boxes. I can start moving them next weekend!! Exciting!! :)
I'm sitting in the coziest tea shop I know, three days out from my Alban Arthuan ritual. A good chance to discuss my experiences and reflect.
First, the background: I'm alone for Christmas this year, entirely by choice. The family celebrated up in Seattle last weekend, to match my brother-in-law's schedule, and I participated... thankfully not as sick with the (non-COVID; they made us all take tests before traveling) crud as I was on Thanksgiving when we did a similar event... and then got myself an Amtrak ticket and vamoosed straight back home after less than 24 hours. I've had an absolutely miserable last 6 weeks at my job, culminating in not being able to sleep well several nights in a row, mostly from freaking out that it NEEDED to be getting easier RIGHT NOW and I didn't see that anywhere on the horizon. I miss my husband and baby, who are staying with family to get childcare as my husband's job is 100% WFH (and mine isn't, I finally got off for Christmas break today after 4 days of being alone in the office), but skipping out on family Christmas was the only way I could see to get a break from at least some of my responsibilities and regroup myself. So far, it's been a very good choice. I've cooked and cleaned and started to check some things off my to-do list that have been pending for 6+ weeks as I could barely even breathe due to stress and my stupid job. And I celebrated Alban Arthuan, alone in my apartment.
I guess I'll start with my disappointments. First, I think I need to find a different place to do this ritual in the future. Our current apartment is just too plastic and sealed off to be an effective ritual space. (It isn't a particularly pleasant space to live in, either.) I tried to have some interaction with the outside on Samhain by keeping the balcony door open, but the noise from traffic was horrible, and right now it is just too cold to do that. But closing the door seemed to close off all possibility of communing with the gods of nature - unsurprising. I do think I felt the presence of Hu, but only very faintly. He was like a mist, which I could just barely see, and dissipated very quickly.
Second, I am still so unfamiliar with my own living space - still! - and perhaps so stressed, that despite setting up the ritual over 2 days I forgot some important pieces before I began... I did not get my "sword" (bread knife with sheath) and I forgot to put on my own Druid robe!! Sheesh. Maybe I need to make a checklist before I start next time.
Third, I really do need to actually memorize the words of the ritual, and not read out of the book anymore. Just one more task to put on my to-do list, I guess, but to have a truly meaningful ritual it is necessary. This is my fourth time celebrating by-the-book, so to say. I'm honestly not sure if I'll be able to do this by Imbolc, but perhaps I can set up a regular reading of the opening/closing so that I get it pounded into my head by repetition.
But enough about the negative. What went well...
Given the season, I lit every candle that I had in the house, and arranged them carefully on the counters around the ritual space. They were so much lovelier than the battery candles we got for Christmas decorations that I almost couldn't stop looking at them. I want to use candles in all the rituals going forward - at least for the darker seasons, anyway!
I bought more traditional incense for that part of the ritual, instead of the chintzy stuff I'd had before - in fact I used a frankincense and myrrh blend. MUCH improved. Always go with the traditional stuff!
I used a local red wine for the offering, and not only was that offering the part I felt the presence of Hu the strongest, but it was a damn delicious wine.
Instead of salt I used soil from my balcony garden - I think that's the right direction.
I've got some ideas for how to improve the ritual going forward:
1) Hold Imbolc outside - a local park has a large gazebo with tables, and if I can get it together I'm sure I could hold something there on Feb. 1 (there's unlikely to be anyone else using it).
2) Candles, candles, candles (on Feb 1 in Oregon, it is probably impossible to set anything outside on fire)
3) Alcohol with milk of some sort - irish cream liquor? I wonder if there's a local cream liquor?
4) Given global warming, there will definitely be some flowers popping up somewhere around that time to use
5) Bring the book to work and regularly read through the ritual on my break between now and then - I will be claiming one of the corner offices as my own, as my salary class colleagues will do literally anything to avoid coming back to the office, so it's time to colonize the ruins (and set my own schedule, and hide myself from anyone who would give me shit about whether or not I was wearing a mask or doing needlepoint to get through the hours-long training videos I have to rewatch or eating food at my desk or... reading a book for a few minutes a day, to decrease my stress)
6) Put out a container on the balcony to collect rainwater for the water part
7) Move out of this stupid, plastic, overpriced, over-regulated (I can't turn off the fan!!), badly designed apartment.
On that note, I think I want to swing around to my favorite chocolate place and see if it's still open, then head back to my quiet apartment and start writing my yearly Christmas letter (which does generally go out around New Year's, lol). That's going to be... emotionally difficult in a lot of ways. But it must be done - it's very important that it be done.
Merry Alban Arthuan, all, and I will check back in again at Imbolc, if not sooner.
First, the background: I'm alone for Christmas this year, entirely by choice. The family celebrated up in Seattle last weekend, to match my brother-in-law's schedule, and I participated... thankfully not as sick with the (non-COVID; they made us all take tests before traveling) crud as I was on Thanksgiving when we did a similar event... and then got myself an Amtrak ticket and vamoosed straight back home after less than 24 hours. I've had an absolutely miserable last 6 weeks at my job, culminating in not being able to sleep well several nights in a row, mostly from freaking out that it NEEDED to be getting easier RIGHT NOW and I didn't see that anywhere on the horizon. I miss my husband and baby, who are staying with family to get childcare as my husband's job is 100% WFH (and mine isn't, I finally got off for Christmas break today after 4 days of being alone in the office), but skipping out on family Christmas was the only way I could see to get a break from at least some of my responsibilities and regroup myself. So far, it's been a very good choice. I've cooked and cleaned and started to check some things off my to-do list that have been pending for 6+ weeks as I could barely even breathe due to stress and my stupid job. And I celebrated Alban Arthuan, alone in my apartment.
I guess I'll start with my disappointments. First, I think I need to find a different place to do this ritual in the future. Our current apartment is just too plastic and sealed off to be an effective ritual space. (It isn't a particularly pleasant space to live in, either.) I tried to have some interaction with the outside on Samhain by keeping the balcony door open, but the noise from traffic was horrible, and right now it is just too cold to do that. But closing the door seemed to close off all possibility of communing with the gods of nature - unsurprising. I do think I felt the presence of Hu, but only very faintly. He was like a mist, which I could just barely see, and dissipated very quickly.
Second, I am still so unfamiliar with my own living space - still! - and perhaps so stressed, that despite setting up the ritual over 2 days I forgot some important pieces before I began... I did not get my "sword" (bread knife with sheath) and I forgot to put on my own Druid robe!! Sheesh. Maybe I need to make a checklist before I start next time.
Third, I really do need to actually memorize the words of the ritual, and not read out of the book anymore. Just one more task to put on my to-do list, I guess, but to have a truly meaningful ritual it is necessary. This is my fourth time celebrating by-the-book, so to say. I'm honestly not sure if I'll be able to do this by Imbolc, but perhaps I can set up a regular reading of the opening/closing so that I get it pounded into my head by repetition.
But enough about the negative. What went well...
Given the season, I lit every candle that I had in the house, and arranged them carefully on the counters around the ritual space. They were so much lovelier than the battery candles we got for Christmas decorations that I almost couldn't stop looking at them. I want to use candles in all the rituals going forward - at least for the darker seasons, anyway!
I bought more traditional incense for that part of the ritual, instead of the chintzy stuff I'd had before - in fact I used a frankincense and myrrh blend. MUCH improved. Always go with the traditional stuff!
I used a local red wine for the offering, and not only was that offering the part I felt the presence of Hu the strongest, but it was a damn delicious wine.
Instead of salt I used soil from my balcony garden - I think that's the right direction.
I've got some ideas for how to improve the ritual going forward:
1) Hold Imbolc outside - a local park has a large gazebo with tables, and if I can get it together I'm sure I could hold something there on Feb. 1 (there's unlikely to be anyone else using it).
2) Candles, candles, candles (on Feb 1 in Oregon, it is probably impossible to set anything outside on fire)
3) Alcohol with milk of some sort - irish cream liquor? I wonder if there's a local cream liquor?
4) Given global warming, there will definitely be some flowers popping up somewhere around that time to use
5) Bring the book to work and regularly read through the ritual on my break between now and then - I will be claiming one of the corner offices as my own, as my salary class colleagues will do literally anything to avoid coming back to the office, so it's time to colonize the ruins (and set my own schedule, and hide myself from anyone who would give me shit about whether or not I was wearing a mask or doing needlepoint to get through the hours-long training videos I have to rewatch or eating food at my desk or... reading a book for a few minutes a day, to decrease my stress)
6) Put out a container on the balcony to collect rainwater for the water part
7) Move out of this stupid, plastic, overpriced, over-regulated (I can't turn off the fan!!), badly designed apartment.
On that note, I think I want to swing around to my favorite chocolate place and see if it's still open, then head back to my quiet apartment and start writing my yearly Christmas letter (which does generally go out around New Year's, lol). That's going to be... emotionally difficult in a lot of ways. But it must be done - it's very important that it be done.
Merry Alban Arthuan, all, and I will check back in again at Imbolc, if not sooner.
I've finally found a good place to perform the SOP - to the south of a beautiful, ancient oak in front of the public library, with the area's energy made amazingly clear and clean by the Falun Gong group that practices in the same spot every Saturday morning. The telluric energy especially is amazing - when I perform that part of the SOP, it feels like it's surging into my body! I've literally felt that nowhere else - I really, really have struggled with telluric energy, but it feels like this place puts training wheels on, lol. Not to mention, once I leave this coffee shop, I'll be heading out to perform it for the seventh day in a row. I haven't been able to hit a streak like that since the move... boy, it makes a difference, let me tell you.... as does taking several-day-long breaks from the news...
In any case, I finally feel ready to perform the last three parts of the SOP, and complete my learning of this ritual.
In any case, I finally feel ready to perform the last three parts of the SOP, and complete my learning of this ritual.
1. Perform the Opening, then Air, Fire, Water and Earth.
2. Face to the south.
3. Trace a circle horizontally right in front of you, as if on a table top, in orange flame.
4. Imagine it descending to rest a few feet below your feet.
5. Point straight down, to the center of the circle, and say the following words:
"By the magma gate and the power of the telluric current, I invoke Spirit Below, its spirits and its powers. May the powers of Spirit Below bless and protect me today and always, and further my work. May I be empowered by the telluric current."
6. Imagine intensely the deep places of the Earth and the powers that dwell there. Draw the powers of Spirit Below into yourself.
7. Say "I thank the powers of Spirit Below for their gifts."
8. Continue facing to the south.
9. Trace a circle horizontally in front of you, as if on a low ceiling, in purple flame.
10. Imagine it ascending to rest a few feet above your head.
11. Point up to the center of the circle and say the following words:
"By the violet gate and the power of the solar current, I invoke Spirit Above, its spirits and its powers. May the powers of Spirit Above bless and protect me today and always, and further my work. May I be empowered by the solar current."
12. Imagine intensely the realms of outer space and the powers that dwell there. Draw the powers of Spirit Above into yourself.
13. Say "I thank the powers of Spirit Above for their gifts."
And... I've run out of Internet time today! I'll work on adding these two to my ceremony this week, and keep plodding onward towards completion, at long last :)
8. Continue facing to the south.
9. Trace a circle horizontally in front of you, as if on a low ceiling, in purple flame.
10. Imagine it ascending to rest a few feet above your head.
11. Point up to the center of the circle and say the following words:
"By the violet gate and the power of the solar current, I invoke Spirit Above, its spirits and its powers. May the powers of Spirit Above bless and protect me today and always, and further my work. May I be empowered by the solar current."
12. Imagine intensely the realms of outer space and the powers that dwell there. Draw the powers of Spirit Above into yourself.
13. Say "I thank the powers of Spirit Above for their gifts."
And... I've run out of Internet time today! I'll work on adding these two to my ceremony this week, and keep plodding onward towards completion, at long last :)
Let me be the first to acknowledge how late this is in coming... My work went a little crazy starting right before Samhain, and is only now calming down. My feelings about working late, late hours in the evening to try and coax Chinese and Indian teams to complete work that I only barely understand, which they are so new at they barely understand any better than me, could fill some paragraphs. But let's move on...
I had intended to do the ceremony late on the evening of Oct. 31, but I ended up going into the office and working past 9 PM instead. So I took the following (Monday) morning off and did the ceremony on the proper day, Nov. 1, around 11 AM. I had a lot of feelings about the late night, as it had come as a bit of a surprise, and also the sure-to-be-tense late night meeting on Monday that was upcoming. Oh! And also, I was ill - really I should have been taking a sick day instead of doing any work at all, but the situation was in full meltdown and I felt that I had no choice. So I had a hard time fully focusing.
Nevertheless, I got out my kid's table (which is easy to walk around), moved all the furniture out of the way, decorated it with fall leaves, and set up incense/candles/cups of salt and water. I poured a bit of absinthe and realized last moment I needed some evergreen... eep!... I broke off a leaf of kale from the garden as a substitute. I wore my Druid robe and put up my hair. Finally, I opened the door to the balcony, because it seemed wrong to have no interaction with the weather outside. That was half a mistake - I still feel that the ceremony doesn't mean much if actual nature doesn't participate - but there were so many cars driving past at that time, that it served as a source of constant distraction. I'm about 200% over this apartment, can you tell? Goddamn IKEA plastic box building....
BUT ANYWAY. I prepared everything, lit the incense, and held the book in one hand while performing the ceremony. At current rate I will memorize the Sun Path rituals roughly a year from the first one I did, which, that seems about correct. It went smoothly, with the only disruption being the cars constantly and loudly driving by, which really were pretty awful. For previously mentioned reasons, my focus wasn't great, but I did get a glimpse of Ceridwen - messy gray hair and a blue cloak with stars hovering above a black void, with two small white lights shining out like eyes. But she was no more present than Esus had been, and faded quickly away.
It's been long enough that I don't remember much else from the ceremony... again, though, the most intense feeling of frustration shines through my remaining memories. This is not really where I want to be living. This is not really the schedule I want to be working. This is not the career I want to have anymore, to the degree that it ever was. I have had several conversations with my husband letting him know that at most, I will push through until next August-ish, and then... I am (hopefully) going to have my second baby not too long after, and take some serious time off from ALL paid work. Between the baby and taking my older kid out of daycare, which financially we'll have to do, I'll be working like a dog - but not for money. We'll be burning through our savings, no doubt, but if it will give me more time... I just want time. I just want time to live for myself and my family, and not for this worthless corporation which will dissolve into thin air the moment China makes a puff of military breath in Taiwan's direction.
The new "Papers Please" society that is rapidly taking shape here in the PNW - the cherry on top of the horrific rise in the cost of living - is just one more factor that puts my teeth on edge. Whatever my vaccination status, or that of my kids, I just do not want to live in this sort of authoritarian nastiness long term. (If I wasn't trying to have a baby next year, we would already be planning a move - I would actively be packing!! Fortunately my husband feels the same, and we are revving up a 5-year plan to move to a different region together.) I can wait out COVID hysteria - eventually people will return to normal behavior, because people always return to normal behavior. In many ways, it's already happening, and thank goodness for that! But I don't believe for a second that once this citizenship-checking/revoking power has been grabbed onto by our government/upper class who call themselves liberals, that it will ever be relinquished. I'm just grateful that the authoritarianism-creep is slower in Oregon vs. my old home state of Washington. But we will be visiting family there for all the holidays this year, so I will be forced back across the border. I'm ready to leave Seattle behind forever, but family (in-laws) tie us down for just a bit longer. I definitely feel the tight-rope - the careful walk across the void. My trips to Seattle are on a countdown clock. All my friends who remained there have transformed into monsters. If my mother-in-law ever leaves the area... that will be the end. I will go eastward, and never look back.
Best to end this with a look forward to the next holiday - the Winter Solstice. The rest of my family will probably be up in Seattle by the 18th, but I won't have the ability to join them that early due to work. This will at least make sure that the apartment is quiet - I will be doing it in the evening, when there should be fewer cars driving past. I wonder if I should do it in a park? It would depend on the weather. I will have local wine as the offering (PS, absinthe tastes terrible, lol). I think... it will be quiet, and meditative. I hope so. I am ready for the deep quiet of the darkest part of the year.
I had intended to do the ceremony late on the evening of Oct. 31, but I ended up going into the office and working past 9 PM instead. So I took the following (Monday) morning off and did the ceremony on the proper day, Nov. 1, around 11 AM. I had a lot of feelings about the late night, as it had come as a bit of a surprise, and also the sure-to-be-tense late night meeting on Monday that was upcoming. Oh! And also, I was ill - really I should have been taking a sick day instead of doing any work at all, but the situation was in full meltdown and I felt that I had no choice. So I had a hard time fully focusing.
Nevertheless, I got out my kid's table (which is easy to walk around), moved all the furniture out of the way, decorated it with fall leaves, and set up incense/candles/cups of salt and water. I poured a bit of absinthe and realized last moment I needed some evergreen... eep!... I broke off a leaf of kale from the garden as a substitute. I wore my Druid robe and put up my hair. Finally, I opened the door to the balcony, because it seemed wrong to have no interaction with the weather outside. That was half a mistake - I still feel that the ceremony doesn't mean much if actual nature doesn't participate - but there were so many cars driving past at that time, that it served as a source of constant distraction. I'm about 200% over this apartment, can you tell? Goddamn IKEA plastic box building....
BUT ANYWAY. I prepared everything, lit the incense, and held the book in one hand while performing the ceremony. At current rate I will memorize the Sun Path rituals roughly a year from the first one I did, which, that seems about correct. It went smoothly, with the only disruption being the cars constantly and loudly driving by, which really were pretty awful. For previously mentioned reasons, my focus wasn't great, but I did get a glimpse of Ceridwen - messy gray hair and a blue cloak with stars hovering above a black void, with two small white lights shining out like eyes. But she was no more present than Esus had been, and faded quickly away.
It's been long enough that I don't remember much else from the ceremony... again, though, the most intense feeling of frustration shines through my remaining memories. This is not really where I want to be living. This is not really the schedule I want to be working. This is not the career I want to have anymore, to the degree that it ever was. I have had several conversations with my husband letting him know that at most, I will push through until next August-ish, and then... I am (hopefully) going to have my second baby not too long after, and take some serious time off from ALL paid work. Between the baby and taking my older kid out of daycare, which financially we'll have to do, I'll be working like a dog - but not for money. We'll be burning through our savings, no doubt, but if it will give me more time... I just want time. I just want time to live for myself and my family, and not for this worthless corporation which will dissolve into thin air the moment China makes a puff of military breath in Taiwan's direction.
The new "Papers Please" society that is rapidly taking shape here in the PNW - the cherry on top of the horrific rise in the cost of living - is just one more factor that puts my teeth on edge. Whatever my vaccination status, or that of my kids, I just do not want to live in this sort of authoritarian nastiness long term. (If I wasn't trying to have a baby next year, we would already be planning a move - I would actively be packing!! Fortunately my husband feels the same, and we are revving up a 5-year plan to move to a different region together.) I can wait out COVID hysteria - eventually people will return to normal behavior, because people always return to normal behavior. In many ways, it's already happening, and thank goodness for that! But I don't believe for a second that once this citizenship-checking/revoking power has been grabbed onto by our government/upper class who call themselves liberals, that it will ever be relinquished. I'm just grateful that the authoritarianism-creep is slower in Oregon vs. my old home state of Washington. But we will be visiting family there for all the holidays this year, so I will be forced back across the border. I'm ready to leave Seattle behind forever, but family (in-laws) tie us down for just a bit longer. I definitely feel the tight-rope - the careful walk across the void. My trips to Seattle are on a countdown clock. All my friends who remained there have transformed into monsters. If my mother-in-law ever leaves the area... that will be the end. I will go eastward, and never look back.
Best to end this with a look forward to the next holiday - the Winter Solstice. The rest of my family will probably be up in Seattle by the 18th, but I won't have the ability to join them that early due to work. This will at least make sure that the apartment is quiet - I will be doing it in the evening, when there should be fewer cars driving past. I wonder if I should do it in a park? It would depend on the weather. I will have local wine as the offering (PS, absinthe tastes terrible, lol). I think... it will be quiet, and meditative. I hope so. I am ready for the deep quiet of the darkest part of the year.
Living with less Internet has been a pretty good thing overall - a few adjustments were needed, but we're thriving (and I am cooking SO much more!!) but one thing I do miss: gathering my thoughts through typing. So, I've got an hour or so to myself in a coffee shop... I want to use it to clock where I am at with the Candidacy Requirements for Druidry.
- Fifteen minutes a week in direct contact with nature - I used to do this in the backyard garden, but nowadays, I do it in the balcony garden. So far, I haven't lost a single plant! Going much, much better than I'd expected :)
- Read at least nine books on the ecology of the place in which you live - I am just about done with Book #4, about local area wildflowers. I will probably be writing the review for it next weekend. I have a list of other books to check out from the library, and will probably request the next one's transfer next weekend as well.
- Make three changes in your life to give back to the Earth - the following...
- Composting food waste - this is the big one that I haven't yet put together. I was making sure to put all our waste in my dad's composting bin, but well, that's not an option anymore, and this apartment building doesn't compost. Our garbage smells horrible, and it's such a waste :( But! I have a plan. I am going to buy a composting bin, and keep it on the balcony. And then, I'm going to go onto the Portland reddit and ask if anyone would like my compost! We eat mostly from the farmer's market, so our compost is nutrient rich stuff. I could deliver it as often as once a week. I am pretty certain I will find someone! I will report back on this soon.
- No more plastic water bottles - Mostly, we've kept to this. One thing that pisses me off, though, is that the stainless steel water bottles we bought to replace them with, which just had the one tiny little bit of plastic on them... yep, the plastic broke, and now they're nearly unusable. After only a few months of heavy use!! Crapification ahoy. I think the next ones we get will be from REI, and I will make sure they can withstand a nuclear blast. Sheesh.
- Eating from the farmer's market, and organic - Going strong! We are considering a CSA for the winter months, or perhaps going into downtown, where they go year-round. Winter will be interesting... I'd hoped to have canned goods from the garden ready, but well, that didn't happen. Maybe next year.
- Cutting out the to-go cups - a small miracle has occurred just in the last week - THE COFFEE SHOPS ARE ALLOWING IN-STORE CUPS AGAIN. I am drinking from a mug right now, for the first time in TWO YEARS. At long last - the mountain of to-go cups awaiting me in my own personal limbo can stop growing larger! Hallelujah! :D
- Planting one tree - I had a plan in place to plant one in my mother-in-law's yard and then... got evicted ten days before that was supposed to happen. I have no idea if it's still possible. I'll need to check with her... a good reminder to write that email. I do have some acorns I could plant in a pot next spring? Or maybe I could ask if there's anyone on Reddit who would like me to plant a tree for them?? Probably, if the mother-in-law angle is no good, I would need to hunt out a small corner of semi-industrial land and hope no one sprays it with chemicals. Sigh.
- Celebrating the Druid holy days - oh I am on this like white on rice. That's a good reminder, I need to hunt down some locally-made absinthe for Samhain - yikes, I wonder if I can get it in time?! Worst case scenario, I guess I could drink something with pumpkin in it... pumpkin beer is pretty foul though. Also, a good reminder to put in some time to memorize the ritual this time. I did get another knife with a sheath, to replace the one that used to belong to my father.
- Regular meditation - this has been, by far, the most difficult aspect of the Candidacy Year for me. I just... hate sitting still. I hate it. I HATE it. Trying to approach it the John Michael Greer way has led to dead end after dead end, because I just... haaaaaaaate... it. I'm fairly certain I do some form of walking meditation all the time, (and on walking - I've lost at least 5 pounds in the past month, mostly from being in a walkable place finally) but that isn't really the same thing - I would like to actually work through a book and contemplate it, y'know? I think the plan of action is two-fold: first, my husband has a three-minute meditation he does all the time, which I am going to ask him to teach me. I also am going to try to go to the balcony area at my office in the late afternoon to perform it. Second, I think I am going to spend the money to get Eliphas Levi's book. I'm not sure if I'm going to participate in the book club or not, but that is a book that - the moment I saw the name of it, and the author - I knew I had seen before. Before, before. So perhaps it is time to get over my uncomfortableness about all such before things and pick it up in this incarnation, and see what it can bring to me in these times.
- Practicing the SOP - It has been much more difficult than I thought it would be to start up the SOP again, but, thankfully, I seem to have found a way. The issue is than I have a very difficult time working with telluric energy, it takes enormous concentration even when my feet are directly on the Earth, and most of the places where I could have 15 minutes to myself at any given moment are either several stories off the ground or covered in thick concrete. There's also a smaller issue in that there's a Planned Parenthood only a block or two away, and though I'd call myself pro-choice and the staff there very kindly gave me post-miscarriage care (after which I donated generously), I cannot deny that there is an 'abortion vortex' directly above and around it, which was nearly overwhelming to me when I was pregnant, and even now that I am not, is still intense enough that I'm barely able to even look at the building, much less relax and do a ritual anywhere within view. (The only other building in town which has similar awful vibes is the new police bureau, euphemistically called the "Public Safety Building". What an utterly hideous place THAT is, in both appearance and aura!!) But I've been waking up at 6 AM without prompting recently, and there's a house that's technically a lawyer's office directly across the street (and no one seems to ever go there except the groundskeeper lately). I can go into the "backyard" of that house, hide myself from the abortion vortex, and plant my feet on actual Earth and do the SOP properly. Whew!! Only change is, I now face East for the opening and closing, because facing South means that I'm practically sticking my nose through a fence, and East means I can look at some lovely trees instead. It's gonna have to work for now. I feel much, much better now that I've started up this regular practice again. I will figure out how to keep it going in a less energetically-intense manner while I am pregnant before I actually get pregnant again, in order to keep its protection in my life.
- Druid journal - I am still keeping up this blog! Also, I have a hand-written journal going now for my daily divinations, which I am still keeping up :) Today's Situation card was Death - I rarely draw that card. But I've realized that what it represents is a true ending to the pregnancy, along with all its after-effects. Bittersweet to the extreme, for sure. But I am pretty much back exactly where I was before I got pregnant in July - my personality, body, spiritual practices, etc. I've reset to factory standard... now, we can try again, a little wiser this time. (By which I mean, try again next year - THIS time, I will LISTEN to my body when it tells me it needs to be more fit before we get pregnant. Kettlebells in the apartment gym, here I come...!)
- Bardic path - I am running out of time to talk about this, eep! Let's just say that I've doubled down on cooking, we're starting to do recipes out of the Mennonite cookbook again, and I haven't even thought about pressing much further yet, but I'm sure I will - I cook both lunch and dinner now, as I live close enough to work to go home for an hour :)
Coming to this a bit late, but wanted to get the blog post in.
All three of the Eightfold Path holidays I have celebrated have been pretty different from each other. I had hoped I would be with a Druid community again, like the solstice, but due to COVID, that got cancelled. So instead, I decided on Tuesday night (I accidentally did it a day early), in our apartment's main living space, and unlike Lugnasadh, did not perform it alone - my husband accompanied me! He told me a week ago that he would like to try walking along the same spiritual path as me and see how he liked it. I have... a lot of feelings about this! First, joy - I've been doing this alone since I started, with only a few brief moments of community, and I would love to have someone to share it with! Second, exhaustion - I've been struggling to restart my own spiritual practices after the move and the miscarriage, and adding the responsibility to guide someone else on top of it has been... a lot. So I guess those two feelings pretty much summarize the evening.
My husband read the Druidry Handbook's section on this holiday and tried to set up the ritual area himself before I got back from work - he made a valiant effort, but it didn't quite work for the requirements of the ceremony and I had to rearrange everything. Also, he had a really stressful work call right at the end of the day. Finally, we had nowhere to put our toddler, so we had to play videos in his bedroom the whole time, which we could hear in the background. Oog, just writing this, I am feeling the exhaustion all over again.
But... I did manage to create a space that felt appropriate for the ritual, by moving the dining table aside, commandeering our son's little play table and setting up the bowls for the four directions, using real incense this time for the East, the fruit from the farmer's market and some local cider as the offering, opening the door to our balcony garden so that it felt at least a little associated with Nature, and turning off most of the harsher lights. I also wore my Druid robe and put up my hair, and asked my husband to wear a dress shirt. (He wanted to wear his panda pajama costume from Halloween because it was "a costume, right?" which... no.)
I haven't yet had time to memorize the ceremony, so I read it out of the book again. My husband read a few parts along with me - the main Druid invocation mostly - but mostly sat next to me and listened. I am happy to report that I managed to do all of the movements and read all of the text, and that my husband and I drank the cider from the cup together. I did invoke the god Esus, but overhearing lots of loud train whistles from my son's videos and trying to read a book and adjust to my husband's presence didn't allow me to fully concentrate. I got an image of large hands made out of oak leaves changing color on either side of the altar, an image I had to dispel by returning energy to the 'earth' at the end of the ceremony - but no other visualizations.
Afterwards my husband thought it had gone pretty well - I did too, given the circumstances, But... I bet we can do better for Samhuin. I think the biggest issue is, now that my husband also wants to participate, what are we going to do with the kid? We can't leave him alone too long, but he's not of an age where he can sit through a ritual. More thought is required on that one.
Other thoughts, looking forward to the next holiday: I think the next seasonal alcohol should be absinthe - green wormwood seems about right for the Halloween-ish spirit. And a local state distillery makes some!
Also, I would really like to do it outside... weather may not allow that though (not to mention childcare). More thought is, again, required.
I might end up doing the ceremony on Halloween night of all nights - maybe my husband's panda costume might become appropriate, lol! (No.)
That's the end of my recollections, and my energy. If I have the time I will try to make one more post this weekend, marking my progress in getting back on the wagon after recent events. We shall see.
All three of the Eightfold Path holidays I have celebrated have been pretty different from each other. I had hoped I would be with a Druid community again, like the solstice, but due to COVID, that got cancelled. So instead, I decided on Tuesday night (I accidentally did it a day early), in our apartment's main living space, and unlike Lugnasadh, did not perform it alone - my husband accompanied me! He told me a week ago that he would like to try walking along the same spiritual path as me and see how he liked it. I have... a lot of feelings about this! First, joy - I've been doing this alone since I started, with only a few brief moments of community, and I would love to have someone to share it with! Second, exhaustion - I've been struggling to restart my own spiritual practices after the move and the miscarriage, and adding the responsibility to guide someone else on top of it has been... a lot. So I guess those two feelings pretty much summarize the evening.
My husband read the Druidry Handbook's section on this holiday and tried to set up the ritual area himself before I got back from work - he made a valiant effort, but it didn't quite work for the requirements of the ceremony and I had to rearrange everything. Also, he had a really stressful work call right at the end of the day. Finally, we had nowhere to put our toddler, so we had to play videos in his bedroom the whole time, which we could hear in the background. Oog, just writing this, I am feeling the exhaustion all over again.
But... I did manage to create a space that felt appropriate for the ritual, by moving the dining table aside, commandeering our son's little play table and setting up the bowls for the four directions, using real incense this time for the East, the fruit from the farmer's market and some local cider as the offering, opening the door to our balcony garden so that it felt at least a little associated with Nature, and turning off most of the harsher lights. I also wore my Druid robe and put up my hair, and asked my husband to wear a dress shirt. (He wanted to wear his panda pajama costume from Halloween because it was "a costume, right?" which... no.)
I haven't yet had time to memorize the ceremony, so I read it out of the book again. My husband read a few parts along with me - the main Druid invocation mostly - but mostly sat next to me and listened. I am happy to report that I managed to do all of the movements and read all of the text, and that my husband and I drank the cider from the cup together. I did invoke the god Esus, but overhearing lots of loud train whistles from my son's videos and trying to read a book and adjust to my husband's presence didn't allow me to fully concentrate. I got an image of large hands made out of oak leaves changing color on either side of the altar, an image I had to dispel by returning energy to the 'earth' at the end of the ceremony - but no other visualizations.
Afterwards my husband thought it had gone pretty well - I did too, given the circumstances, But... I bet we can do better for Samhuin. I think the biggest issue is, now that my husband also wants to participate, what are we going to do with the kid? We can't leave him alone too long, but he's not of an age where he can sit through a ritual. More thought is required on that one.
Other thoughts, looking forward to the next holiday: I think the next seasonal alcohol should be absinthe - green wormwood seems about right for the Halloween-ish spirit. And a local state distillery makes some!
Also, I would really like to do it outside... weather may not allow that though (not to mention childcare). More thought is, again, required.
I might end up doing the ceremony on Halloween night of all nights - maybe my husband's panda costume might become appropriate, lol! (No.)
That's the end of my recollections, and my energy. If I have the time I will try to make one more post this weekend, marking my progress in getting back on the wagon after recent events. We shall see.
I had a miscarriage early on Saturday morning. I'd been having a bit of an unfocused morning that Friday, much like the rest of the week (but still getting the job done); upon visiting the restroom in the afternoon I saw blood in my underpants, and I knew immediately that the baby was gone.
At about 1 AM the miscarriage commenced in earnest - even though I haven't gone through labor personally (kid had a marginal cord and would have been breech, so the midwives recommended a planned C-section) I read enough about it to recognize the miscarriage as a mini-labor in itself, complete with contractions that came in waves. I tried to ride it out sitting on the couch in the living room at first, but after an hour or so ended up asking my husband if he would hold me in bed, and heat up a warmer filled with lavender to put on my belly. He did this continuously through the few more hours it took to complete. The difference in pain levels between being on my own in the living room and being lovingly held were striking - something I'd read about and now have experienced personally, for better or worse.
I've weathered this miscarriage so far with no need for medical intervention - my body knew exactly what needed to be done, and did it. I'm still recovering (spending a lot of time on the couch with the warmer) but I feel a closer connection to the thousands upon thousands of women, related to me and not, who have gone through this before me, as just another part of life on Earth. As it was happening a mantra came to my mind spontaneously, and I repeated it to myself hundreds of times: "Nature is in control; everything is happening as it should be." It was a huge comfort, and it seems to have carried through.
Something that I didn't expect (and on that note: Friday's situation was the 3 of Clubs reversed - no more growth - and the outcome card was the Hierophant reversed, a surprising outcome to a situation) is that after all the worries about COVID and the vaccine, etc - I'd woken up and cried myself back to sleep the two nights before, after hearing of Biden's vaccine mandate, as I just wasn't sure that the obstetrician I'd be working with could convince me that the jab was safe for the baby, and I would be required instead to stand in line somewhere where COVID was likely lurking, while pregnant, every single weekend, so that I could keep the job that paid the inflated rent that keeps a roof over my family's head, which brought back up feelings about how deeply my own father had betrayed me, too - but in the end, the miscarriage wasn't a direct response to either of the things. If anything it was a response to all the damn stress of the last month. My body and the baby must have negotiated and decided that now was not the time. To be honest, I can't really argue with that conclusion.
As sad as I am about this outcome - and the grief has come, off and on, in a few waves so far - I was surprised to also find myself feeling genuine relief. Given the state of vaccination politics and our tottering medical system, I was far from certain that I would be able to access any advanced medical service (such as a repeat C-section, should it be needed) in early spring of 2022. I was preparing myself to die for this child. But a different decision was made on my behalf instead. Being not-pregnant will increase my natural resistance to disease, and my strength in this difficult time. It will free up my energy to prepare our family for what looks to be a very difficult winter. It will open space in my mind to figure out what our path is, free of this massive future obligation on a strict timer. It allows me to get some damn distance between me and my family - who quite frankly have shown that they don't really care about whether or not they double their grandchildren count, or at least not as much as they care about "believing the science" - and to search out a safer community to live in. As long as I have my life and my fertility, I can still try again.
And since this is a spirituality blog, let me say--the difference between the material view of this event, and the spiritual one, is like the difference between the night and the day. In the material world, the baby is dead and gone forever, never to return, and the fault lies either on callous cold Nature or on my shoulders for not being a 'better mother' somehow (as there's nowhere else to put it, really). In the spiritual world, I know that the soul that spoke to me back in 2018 is still out there, waiting. We still have our contract. This first attempt didn't work - we both misjudged the parameters we were working in. But I have gained wisdom, at the usual cost, and they are fierce and determined, I know that much. Neither of us are quitters, and we will figure it out. Nothing is "done". Nothing is over. I am sad, but I am not in any way depressed.
Also, my husband reassured me many, many times yesterday that he wants to try again to welcome this child into our family, which I had been secretly worried about, given the headwinds that are appearing in our path. He understands completely why I don't want to get the vaccine yet--more so than before--and accepts it. We actually had a conversation about finances, about me perhaps not being able to work in my old career for much longer, about living a quieter life with less money, about potentially moving to another region. After going through this together, we are closer than ever.
In summary, this feels like an event that has delivered me some life wisdom, at the usual price. High, but there is value in what I've received in return.
So... none of this was the outcome I'd hoped for. But I still have a path to follow, and things to do. Once I feel strong enough, I can bring the SOP back into my life, as I truly missed it while I didn't have the energy to do rituals. I will be able to properly celebrate the Eightfold Path holidays. I will get back on the wagon with meditation and prayer - it's been so chaotic this past month, I hadn't even be able to try. I'll negotiate with my employer and do what I must to collect a paycheck for as long as I can. We'll find a new, less expensive apartment after Christmas (we are taking a BREAK from changing ANYTHING by choice for the rest of the year though!). I'll put some real effort into learning balcony gardening, and keep cooking good food and reading my books. (Half-way through the one on local flowers!) And I'll keep posting my progress reports on weekends!
At about 1 AM the miscarriage commenced in earnest - even though I haven't gone through labor personally (kid had a marginal cord and would have been breech, so the midwives recommended a planned C-section) I read enough about it to recognize the miscarriage as a mini-labor in itself, complete with contractions that came in waves. I tried to ride it out sitting on the couch in the living room at first, but after an hour or so ended up asking my husband if he would hold me in bed, and heat up a warmer filled with lavender to put on my belly. He did this continuously through the few more hours it took to complete. The difference in pain levels between being on my own in the living room and being lovingly held were striking - something I'd read about and now have experienced personally, for better or worse.
I've weathered this miscarriage so far with no need for medical intervention - my body knew exactly what needed to be done, and did it. I'm still recovering (spending a lot of time on the couch with the warmer) but I feel a closer connection to the thousands upon thousands of women, related to me and not, who have gone through this before me, as just another part of life on Earth. As it was happening a mantra came to my mind spontaneously, and I repeated it to myself hundreds of times: "Nature is in control; everything is happening as it should be." It was a huge comfort, and it seems to have carried through.
Something that I didn't expect (and on that note: Friday's situation was the 3 of Clubs reversed - no more growth - and the outcome card was the Hierophant reversed, a surprising outcome to a situation) is that after all the worries about COVID and the vaccine, etc - I'd woken up and cried myself back to sleep the two nights before, after hearing of Biden's vaccine mandate, as I just wasn't sure that the obstetrician I'd be working with could convince me that the jab was safe for the baby, and I would be required instead to stand in line somewhere where COVID was likely lurking, while pregnant, every single weekend, so that I could keep the job that paid the inflated rent that keeps a roof over my family's head, which brought back up feelings about how deeply my own father had betrayed me, too - but in the end, the miscarriage wasn't a direct response to either of the things. If anything it was a response to all the damn stress of the last month. My body and the baby must have negotiated and decided that now was not the time. To be honest, I can't really argue with that conclusion.
As sad as I am about this outcome - and the grief has come, off and on, in a few waves so far - I was surprised to also find myself feeling genuine relief. Given the state of vaccination politics and our tottering medical system, I was far from certain that I would be able to access any advanced medical service (such as a repeat C-section, should it be needed) in early spring of 2022. I was preparing myself to die for this child. But a different decision was made on my behalf instead. Being not-pregnant will increase my natural resistance to disease, and my strength in this difficult time. It will free up my energy to prepare our family for what looks to be a very difficult winter. It will open space in my mind to figure out what our path is, free of this massive future obligation on a strict timer. It allows me to get some damn distance between me and my family - who quite frankly have shown that they don't really care about whether or not they double their grandchildren count, or at least not as much as they care about "believing the science" - and to search out a safer community to live in. As long as I have my life and my fertility, I can still try again.
And since this is a spirituality blog, let me say--the difference between the material view of this event, and the spiritual one, is like the difference between the night and the day. In the material world, the baby is dead and gone forever, never to return, and the fault lies either on callous cold Nature or on my shoulders for not being a 'better mother' somehow (as there's nowhere else to put it, really). In the spiritual world, I know that the soul that spoke to me back in 2018 is still out there, waiting. We still have our contract. This first attempt didn't work - we both misjudged the parameters we were working in. But I have gained wisdom, at the usual cost, and they are fierce and determined, I know that much. Neither of us are quitters, and we will figure it out. Nothing is "done". Nothing is over. I am sad, but I am not in any way depressed.
Also, my husband reassured me many, many times yesterday that he wants to try again to welcome this child into our family, which I had been secretly worried about, given the headwinds that are appearing in our path. He understands completely why I don't want to get the vaccine yet--more so than before--and accepts it. We actually had a conversation about finances, about me perhaps not being able to work in my old career for much longer, about living a quieter life with less money, about potentially moving to another region. After going through this together, we are closer than ever.
In summary, this feels like an event that has delivered me some life wisdom, at the usual price. High, but there is value in what I've received in return.
So... none of this was the outcome I'd hoped for. But I still have a path to follow, and things to do. Once I feel strong enough, I can bring the SOP back into my life, as I truly missed it while I didn't have the energy to do rituals. I will be able to properly celebrate the Eightfold Path holidays. I will get back on the wagon with meditation and prayer - it's been so chaotic this past month, I hadn't even be able to try. I'll negotiate with my employer and do what I must to collect a paycheck for as long as I can. We'll find a new, less expensive apartment after Christmas (we are taking a BREAK from changing ANYTHING by choice for the rest of the year though!). I'll put some real effort into learning balcony gardening, and keep cooking good food and reading my books. (Half-way through the one on local flowers!) And I'll keep posting my progress reports on weekends!
Let's start with an acknowledgment that I simply don't have the ability to keep up with this daily journal the same way I used to any more. We've taken the opportunity to switch from wi-fi to ethernet along with our move, and so my laptop is now an $800 piece of junk (doesn't have an ethernet portal - crapification ahoy!). I'm writing on a very old laptop computer my brother put together from pieces as a hobby. It works fine, but it doesn't sit on a lap too well. And... I now stare at 2 screens for 8 hours a day again. I'd like to replace my evening internet screen time with paper, frankly.
So I will be switching the daily div to a paper journal, and probably will find that a great boon to my health and happiness :)
I won't abandon the blog all together though - I have a lot of Druid stuff to complete and I would like this to continue to be my permanent record of each completion. (Finally started a book on local flowers, yay!) But I will limit posting to weekends from here on out.
Having said that, I haven't yet gotten to Goodwill to pick up a notebook... so let's report, one last time, on the last few days of divination here.
Wednesday--
Me: I ended up with a sudden rush of energy (probably from the catharsis) and tried a lot of different things - simplifying the SOP down into a simple prayer, and trying to take my kid to the park after daycare, so that he could get some nature time. First one worked, second one didn't. My husband decided that he would keep taking walks around the daycare neighborhood with him instead.
Situation: I decided that if there was time this weekend or next, I would take my son with me and visit our old home one last time to say a proper goodbye to the trees and the garden, during the period when my father is at work. It would be easier not to take him - and easier still not to go - but I think we both need something to mark a proper ending of a period of our life. Fingers crossed we can get that done soon.
Outcome: I realized the situation I wrote about at the top of the page. Discussions... debates... halted! I'm sad about losing some of the community aspect of this place, but accept that it's for the best. All social-media-like things need to begone! from my life, and be replaced with as many human connections as I can scrounge up. I'm looking forward to the quiet... the blissful, healing quiet.
Thursday--
Me: King of Hearts - Let's just say that I had a day, er, oriented to my husband.
Situation: 9 of Hearts REVERSED - I did exactly the right amount of work on this day (as compared to the previous day).
Outcome: The Tower REVERSED - I'd been planning to take my husband to a local theme park for his birthday, but the tickets for the weekend sold out within 24 hours :( We were both sad, as we'd really been looking forward to it, but we figured that we could go to a nice local restaurant (Mcmenamins complex, so that the kid could run around and have fun too) instead.
Friday--
Me: Jack of Hearts - boy howdy did hidden feelings ever come to the surface :/ I had a pretty serious talk with my husband about how much mental energy he was spending on his art hobby, which... there's a lot there. He sees it as his identity, and fears that if he doesn't continually practice it he will "lose what he has", which leads to stress, which leads to anxiety, and so forth. He's been banging on about seeing a counselor about it, which I think is a good idea, but trying to get our address changed and signing up for benefits has just been one more damn thing on top of the pile of things for me lately. I asked him, for my part, though I would get the benefits in order ASAP (for a lot of reasons) I'd really like it if he could please take more charge of this personally and show less of it to me. I told him my feelings that we have a lot fewer safety nets that we used to, I'm 2 months pregnant and (hopefully) not going to get any less pregnant, I'm working full time now to pay for rent and benefits, and if I have so much as a pregnancy complication we are going to be in some trouble. We had a nice long conversation about a lot thin we've both been going through recently that ended well, with him agreeing to step up and help me with finances, which was something I'd been doing all by myself (just one more damned thing). In turn, I promised that his art stuff wouldn't become an issue again, so long as I didn't continue to feel like the one worried about all the "adult" issues while he worried about "child's play" (not really the situation, but it had sometimes occurred to me). He does a ton of work for our family too, of course, but the art issue has come up enough times that it had to be settled.
Situation: 5 of Hearts - learning from mistakes, I believe this card is. I'm slowly coming to terms with my mistake about the best role of family in my life. It'll take some time, but it came up in our talk too. I'm moving forward.
Outcome: 3 of Clubs - I believe I had a relatively successful week at work that I can build on. Also, the conversation with my husband went well, and I believe that we'll be build the next phase of our marriage upon it as well.
Saturday--
Me: Queen of Clubs - me, being creative, with my little one :)
Situation: The Empress - pregnancy, fertility, food/nature
Outcome: 10 of Diamonds - family, security over risk
The rest of today looks like a home-and-family-focused day - I'm planning to get pots for my balcony plants and buy and cook a lot of food for a friend coming over later. What a lovely divination :)
This isn't the end of divination - just a transition. But, this practice has helped me get through some pretty difficult times in my life just since starting it last spring. I'm really grateful for what I've been given. And I'll post again about Druidry stuff next weekend! :)
So I will be switching the daily div to a paper journal, and probably will find that a great boon to my health and happiness :)
I won't abandon the blog all together though - I have a lot of Druid stuff to complete and I would like this to continue to be my permanent record of each completion. (Finally started a book on local flowers, yay!) But I will limit posting to weekends from here on out.
Having said that, I haven't yet gotten to Goodwill to pick up a notebook... so let's report, one last time, on the last few days of divination here.
Wednesday--
Me: I ended up with a sudden rush of energy (probably from the catharsis) and tried a lot of different things - simplifying the SOP down into a simple prayer, and trying to take my kid to the park after daycare, so that he could get some nature time. First one worked, second one didn't. My husband decided that he would keep taking walks around the daycare neighborhood with him instead.
Situation: I decided that if there was time this weekend or next, I would take my son with me and visit our old home one last time to say a proper goodbye to the trees and the garden, during the period when my father is at work. It would be easier not to take him - and easier still not to go - but I think we both need something to mark a proper ending of a period of our life. Fingers crossed we can get that done soon.
Outcome: I realized the situation I wrote about at the top of the page. Discussions... debates... halted! I'm sad about losing some of the community aspect of this place, but accept that it's for the best. All social-media-like things need to begone! from my life, and be replaced with as many human connections as I can scrounge up. I'm looking forward to the quiet... the blissful, healing quiet.
Thursday--
Me: King of Hearts - Let's just say that I had a day, er, oriented to my husband.
Situation: 9 of Hearts REVERSED - I did exactly the right amount of work on this day (as compared to the previous day).
Outcome: The Tower REVERSED - I'd been planning to take my husband to a local theme park for his birthday, but the tickets for the weekend sold out within 24 hours :( We were both sad, as we'd really been looking forward to it, but we figured that we could go to a nice local restaurant (Mcmenamins complex, so that the kid could run around and have fun too) instead.
Friday--
Me: Jack of Hearts - boy howdy did hidden feelings ever come to the surface :/ I had a pretty serious talk with my husband about how much mental energy he was spending on his art hobby, which... there's a lot there. He sees it as his identity, and fears that if he doesn't continually practice it he will "lose what he has", which leads to stress, which leads to anxiety, and so forth. He's been banging on about seeing a counselor about it, which I think is a good idea, but trying to get our address changed and signing up for benefits has just been one more damn thing on top of the pile of things for me lately. I asked him, for my part, though I would get the benefits in order ASAP (for a lot of reasons) I'd really like it if he could please take more charge of this personally and show less of it to me. I told him my feelings that we have a lot fewer safety nets that we used to, I'm 2 months pregnant and (hopefully) not going to get any less pregnant, I'm working full time now to pay for rent and benefits, and if I have so much as a pregnancy complication we are going to be in some trouble. We had a nice long conversation about a lot thin we've both been going through recently that ended well, with him agreeing to step up and help me with finances, which was something I'd been doing all by myself (just one more damned thing). In turn, I promised that his art stuff wouldn't become an issue again, so long as I didn't continue to feel like the one worried about all the "adult" issues while he worried about "child's play" (not really the situation, but it had sometimes occurred to me). He does a ton of work for our family too, of course, but the art issue has come up enough times that it had to be settled.
Situation: 5 of Hearts - learning from mistakes, I believe this card is. I'm slowly coming to terms with my mistake about the best role of family in my life. It'll take some time, but it came up in our talk too. I'm moving forward.
Outcome: 3 of Clubs - I believe I had a relatively successful week at work that I can build on. Also, the conversation with my husband went well, and I believe that we'll be build the next phase of our marriage upon it as well.
Saturday--
Me: Queen of Clubs - me, being creative, with my little one :)
Situation: The Empress - pregnancy, fertility, food/nature
Outcome: 10 of Diamonds - family, security over risk
The rest of today looks like a home-and-family-focused day - I'm planning to get pots for my balcony plants and buy and cook a lot of food for a friend coming over later. What a lovely divination :)
This isn't the end of divination - just a transition. But, this practice has helped me get through some pretty difficult times in my life just since starting it last spring. I'm really grateful for what I've been given. And I'll post again about Druidry stuff next weekend! :)
Daily div.
31 August 2021 18:36Yep, I did fit one very common stereotype of pregnancy today - I spent a large chunk of it very, very emotional. Now I've been rather emotional for weeks, but what I felt today was... a deep sadness, the sort that makes tears well up in your eyes as you're doing data entry at work (not that common of an emotion for me usually!). It was different from the waves of anger, numbness, and grief that have been hitting me lately - it gave me, at least as of this moment, some catharsis. I can admit to myself - I'm very sad about what's happened between me and my dad. It's rocked one of the foundational assumptions of my childhood and young adulthood.
I have my children because of reasons that go beyond reason and logic and don't regret that in the slightest, but at this point, all reasonable and logical reasons to have had them are gone. Both of my parents - 100% of my DNA - are depressingly not even up to their own standards. (Meritocracy therefore proclaims even my blood to be insufficient. I've... mostly worked through that.) Having grandchildren didn't make them go above and beyond themselves - in fact just the opposite. I assumed that in a tough spot, they might not be there for me per se (I always knew better), but that grandchildren would bring out the best in them. This... was a naïve assumption. Times are hard, as hard as they've ever been, and they've both dropped us all cold to enjoy a new boyfriend (in my mom's case) and self-righteous isolation (in my dad's case). I like and prefer working a job, generally, but I'd dreamed that I could take things a bit easier this pregnancy. Nope - I'm working my ass off every day through waves of exhaustion and (so far) light nausea, and haven't even had time to look around for a physician. Assuming everything goes well, I'll have a measly 3 months off, and then right back to it - it's necessary to pay our high rent. I want to breastfeed for the first year, but the logistics of that make me want to cry (more). I'm just assuming that we'll have to bite the bullet and become True Americans(tm) by getting into credit card debt (to hire a nanny that brings the baby to me at the office 2 or 3 times a day - not even sure that will work, but that's all I've come up with so far...).
And all this means that... I'm just going through what every working class mother in this brutal country has endured for years. That's something I can accept, for karmic purposes. But that I'm going through this in part because my own parents threw me to the wolves, when they had swore since I was a little child that they would do the opposite... is difficult. I'm very sad. My inner child is crying, a lot. It thought it was loved and valued more than this. I know what I have to do and I will do it (direct deposit cleared today; I just have to pay the last utility bill for my dad's place and then I can properly sever relations). But I didn't want to live in a world where my dreams of family uniting together to help raise the next generation were just so much rose-colored bunkum. Where the lesson I have to take away from this is never to trust a family member farther than I can throw them, and that any relationship I choose to maintain will have to continue only under conditions of vigorous boundary maintenance. Where I can never, ever relax again with the people who were once my sanctuary. Because my childhood home and family are as gone from this world as if they'd all been burned up in a fire, or drowned under a thousand feet of water.
But... at least after feeling this deep grief, I felt... calmer than I have for a while. I finally worked my way down to something fundamental. That's definitely a relief.
I think the Celebration card is still my feelings (and ESPECIALLY my husband's feelings) about this new apartment - he is THRILLED, in the best mood he's been in in AGES. And... I can piggyback on that a bit, at least.
The Outcome card - I did much better at work today. I even fixed the water dispenser! So that makes me the creative woman, little one on board, after all ;)
Let's divinate and get the big kid to bed...
Me: Jack of Clubs - curious, inquisitive, young
Situation: 5 of Clubs (The Devil) REVERSED - "the answer will come from confronting your fears and consulting your moral compass"
Outcome: 2 of Clubs REVERSED - "situation will lead to an exciting conclusion, jump in with both feet!"
The first two make sense... the last one, eep! I don't know if I have the energy! We'll see.
I have my children because of reasons that go beyond reason and logic and don't regret that in the slightest, but at this point, all reasonable and logical reasons to have had them are gone. Both of my parents - 100% of my DNA - are depressingly not even up to their own standards. (Meritocracy therefore proclaims even my blood to be insufficient. I've... mostly worked through that.) Having grandchildren didn't make them go above and beyond themselves - in fact just the opposite. I assumed that in a tough spot, they might not be there for me per se (I always knew better), but that grandchildren would bring out the best in them. This... was a naïve assumption. Times are hard, as hard as they've ever been, and they've both dropped us all cold to enjoy a new boyfriend (in my mom's case) and self-righteous isolation (in my dad's case). I like and prefer working a job, generally, but I'd dreamed that I could take things a bit easier this pregnancy. Nope - I'm working my ass off every day through waves of exhaustion and (so far) light nausea, and haven't even had time to look around for a physician. Assuming everything goes well, I'll have a measly 3 months off, and then right back to it - it's necessary to pay our high rent. I want to breastfeed for the first year, but the logistics of that make me want to cry (more). I'm just assuming that we'll have to bite the bullet and become True Americans(tm) by getting into credit card debt (to hire a nanny that brings the baby to me at the office 2 or 3 times a day - not even sure that will work, but that's all I've come up with so far...).
And all this means that... I'm just going through what every working class mother in this brutal country has endured for years. That's something I can accept, for karmic purposes. But that I'm going through this in part because my own parents threw me to the wolves, when they had swore since I was a little child that they would do the opposite... is difficult. I'm very sad. My inner child is crying, a lot. It thought it was loved and valued more than this. I know what I have to do and I will do it (direct deposit cleared today; I just have to pay the last utility bill for my dad's place and then I can properly sever relations). But I didn't want to live in a world where my dreams of family uniting together to help raise the next generation were just so much rose-colored bunkum. Where the lesson I have to take away from this is never to trust a family member farther than I can throw them, and that any relationship I choose to maintain will have to continue only under conditions of vigorous boundary maintenance. Where I can never, ever relax again with the people who were once my sanctuary. Because my childhood home and family are as gone from this world as if they'd all been burned up in a fire, or drowned under a thousand feet of water.
But... at least after feeling this deep grief, I felt... calmer than I have for a while. I finally worked my way down to something fundamental. That's definitely a relief.
I think the Celebration card is still my feelings (and ESPECIALLY my husband's feelings) about this new apartment - he is THRILLED, in the best mood he's been in in AGES. And... I can piggyback on that a bit, at least.
The Outcome card - I did much better at work today. I even fixed the water dispenser! So that makes me the creative woman, little one on board, after all ;)
Let's divinate and get the big kid to bed...
Me: Jack of Clubs - curious, inquisitive, young
Situation: 5 of Clubs (The Devil) REVERSED - "the answer will come from confronting your fears and consulting your moral compass"
Outcome: 2 of Clubs REVERSED - "situation will lead to an exciting conclusion, jump in with both feet!"
The first two make sense... the last one, eep! I don't know if I have the energy! We'll see.
Daily div.
30 August 2021 20:09 I admit I figured most of today that I'd gotten a rare miss on the divination... The Star seemed to mean more like, I was kind of loopy, and I had an off day for sure (they didn't turn off the AC even when the weather turned so I shivered the whole day, and didn't complete all my tasks). But when I arrived home, I found that my husband had unpacked almost every last box, organized all the rooms and put down the carpet we bought at Goodwill! So the celebration card counts <3 I think, if the Emperor card has any meaning for me today, it's in my concluding thought that some days are just off days. I ate a bunch of cheese (I think I also didn't have enough fat in my diet today) and am ready to give it all another shot tomorrow. So grateful for my husband <3
Let's div!
Me: The Empress
Situation: 3 of Hearts
Outcome: Queen of Clubs
Looks like a very pregnancy-related day - not sure how I feel about that! But, there's still more celebration in the middle of it... I wonder if that card is noting me getting used to our new, better surroundings? In any case, it doesn't change what I have to do. Onward!
Let's div!
Me: The Empress
Situation: 3 of Hearts
Outcome: Queen of Clubs
Looks like a very pregnancy-related day - not sure how I feel about that! But, there's still more celebration in the middle of it... I wonder if that card is noting me getting used to our new, better surroundings? In any case, it doesn't change what I have to do. Onward!
Daily div.
30 August 2021 07:54 Gonna be quick, have to get my kid to daycare!
Yesterday, I did feel a change come over me (as I bought a bunch of plants and set them up on the balcony, it finally felt like 'home')... a positive one. Weird that the Death card would portray positive things, but perhaps it's not so weird, with my personality! Also had a wonderful chat with my husband at the end of the day that made me feel much closer to him, romantically.
Today's div:
Me: The Star
Situation: The Emperor
Outcome: 3 of Hearts
I appreciate the positivity! :) Sounds like today I will be hopeful, I will do things to the best of my ability, and I will celebrate at the end. Hooray!
Yesterday, I did feel a change come over me (as I bought a bunch of plants and set them up on the balcony, it finally felt like 'home')... a positive one. Weird that the Death card would portray positive things, but perhaps it's not so weird, with my personality! Also had a wonderful chat with my husband at the end of the day that made me feel much closer to him, romantically.
Today's div:
Me: The Star
Situation: The Emperor
Outcome: 3 of Hearts
I appreciate the positivity! :) Sounds like today I will be hopeful, I will do things to the best of my ability, and I will celebrate at the end. Hooray!
Daily div.
28 August 2021 13:24 OK, this is coming kind of late, but I forgive myself, I'm creating new habits in a new place!
Yesterday's divination was Wheel of Fortune for Me, 3 of Spades for Situation, and 3 of Hearts for the Outcome. Very basic interpretation here - I decided on what I think is the final plan for how I am going to deal with the situation between me and my father; I chose to have a "romantic interlude" with my husband in the middle of the day (I can actually go home for lunch now) which, well, let's just say that things are rough down there when you're 2 months pregnant (ouch), and I celebrated it being Friday night and the weekend approaching - finally!
I'm going to take a moment to journal a bit more on the stuff about my dad - no surprise, recent events have brought up a lot of feelings that go deep back into my childhood about it. I've gone through a ridiculous amount of cycling emotions over the past few weeks, but I think I've dug down to the nub of it. In short, I'm not happy that an old pattern from my childhood has been brought forward and repeated in my adulthood.
Trying to summarize without TOO many words: When I was 8 years old, I decided that I needed to help my parents communicate better with each other. They were getting along so poorly (their marriage was an abysmal mistake) that I sensed even at that age that it was important for me to do so, in order to try to prevent a divorce and a descent into poverty and chaos. I spent a lot of time talking to one of them, then walking across the house and talking to the other, while revising the words of the first one into terms that the second one could actually understand. I continued doing this work this off and on for the next 16 years. While my efforts were by no means the only reason the marriage hung together and preserved my home, they did have a positive effect, and less than a year after I "quit" the thankless task at 24 - having gotten a job in another city - the divorce finally went forward. I remember jumping around my studio apartment for joy after my mom's phone call letting me know. Unpaid, fruitless, thankless job over and done with, hooray!
So, what's the connection with getting evicted from my dad's house at 5 weeks pregnant and in the first week of a new job, on the basis of questionable data about vaccine efficiency? (I mean, I happen to also believe that his Pfizer vaccine is next to worthless, but we were in a similar situation back in the winter and using daycare when he was unvaccinated, and we did not get evicted then.) I think it's because, since I was very young, both of my parents got used to letting me do the communication for them, covering over their own weak spots in this regard. Also, there's a side element of "This sort of stuff doesn't faze her, she can take it." Which... well, I did and I can. I genuinely helped prolong their marriage. When my mom quit her plan to provide childcare two weeks before I was due back to work, I hit the pavement and I found an affordable daycare. And now, after my dad evicted me and my family under these stupid circumstances, we enacted a plan we'd mostly put together earlier this year, found a place in the walkable downtown core (though a bit expensive) and have somehow managed to land on our feet.
Nevertheless, I am SICK OF THIS CRAP. Both of my parents, now, have failed me in exactly the categories they swore up and down were their most treasured and highest values (my mom with grandchildren, my dad with keeping the "family castle"). Now, I expect the world in general to give me shit - I'm not owed anything. But I think I do have the right to be A BIT VERKLEMPT when my own family throws the cost of their personal failure on me, and expects me to just take it with a smile. I am not a child anymore, and I am not forced to depend on them - living with my dad was a personal choice, undertaken in part because I had rose-colored glasses about the multigenerational household concept (karma ahoy!). So I don't actually have to accept this treatment ever again. I'm already free, in every way but the emotional.
But at this point the old relationship of unquestioning trust between me and my dad is burned, dead and buried. So we're going to have to start somewhere new. Now the trick is trying to figure out exactly how to do that, in a way that is both fair to him, but also gets my point across as sharply as is necessary to pierce his thick skull. Too tired to expound on that tonight, and I want to wait several days and meditate on it before I make my move, so more later.
Let's get divination going for tomorrow at least...
Me: 10 of Spades (Judgment) REVERSED - a gentle reminder to let go of something that needs to change
Situation: 4 of Spades (Death) - Change, endings
Outcome: King of Hearts - warm, loving man (career success?)
Hmm! This is definitely a reading that suggests, "don't resist the change". As to precisely what the change is... I have a few thoughts, but tomorrow will tell. Time to eat some ice cream and get my kid to bed.
Yesterday's divination was Wheel of Fortune for Me, 3 of Spades for Situation, and 3 of Hearts for the Outcome. Very basic interpretation here - I decided on what I think is the final plan for how I am going to deal with the situation between me and my father; I chose to have a "romantic interlude" with my husband in the middle of the day (I can actually go home for lunch now) which, well, let's just say that things are rough down there when you're 2 months pregnant (ouch), and I celebrated it being Friday night and the weekend approaching - finally!
I'm going to take a moment to journal a bit more on the stuff about my dad - no surprise, recent events have brought up a lot of feelings that go deep back into my childhood about it. I've gone through a ridiculous amount of cycling emotions over the past few weeks, but I think I've dug down to the nub of it. In short, I'm not happy that an old pattern from my childhood has been brought forward and repeated in my adulthood.
Trying to summarize without TOO many words: When I was 8 years old, I decided that I needed to help my parents communicate better with each other. They were getting along so poorly (their marriage was an abysmal mistake) that I sensed even at that age that it was important for me to do so, in order to try to prevent a divorce and a descent into poverty and chaos. I spent a lot of time talking to one of them, then walking across the house and talking to the other, while revising the words of the first one into terms that the second one could actually understand. I continued doing this work this off and on for the next 16 years. While my efforts were by no means the only reason the marriage hung together and preserved my home, they did have a positive effect, and less than a year after I "quit" the thankless task at 24 - having gotten a job in another city - the divorce finally went forward. I remember jumping around my studio apartment for joy after my mom's phone call letting me know. Unpaid, fruitless, thankless job over and done with, hooray!
So, what's the connection with getting evicted from my dad's house at 5 weeks pregnant and in the first week of a new job, on the basis of questionable data about vaccine efficiency? (I mean, I happen to also believe that his Pfizer vaccine is next to worthless, but we were in a similar situation back in the winter and using daycare when he was unvaccinated, and we did not get evicted then.) I think it's because, since I was very young, both of my parents got used to letting me do the communication for them, covering over their own weak spots in this regard. Also, there's a side element of "This sort of stuff doesn't faze her, she can take it." Which... well, I did and I can. I genuinely helped prolong their marriage. When my mom quit her plan to provide childcare two weeks before I was due back to work, I hit the pavement and I found an affordable daycare. And now, after my dad evicted me and my family under these stupid circumstances, we enacted a plan we'd mostly put together earlier this year, found a place in the walkable downtown core (though a bit expensive) and have somehow managed to land on our feet.
Nevertheless, I am SICK OF THIS CRAP. Both of my parents, now, have failed me in exactly the categories they swore up and down were their most treasured and highest values (my mom with grandchildren, my dad with keeping the "family castle"). Now, I expect the world in general to give me shit - I'm not owed anything. But I think I do have the right to be A BIT VERKLEMPT when my own family throws the cost of their personal failure on me, and expects me to just take it with a smile. I am not a child anymore, and I am not forced to depend on them - living with my dad was a personal choice, undertaken in part because I had rose-colored glasses about the multigenerational household concept (karma ahoy!). So I don't actually have to accept this treatment ever again. I'm already free, in every way but the emotional.
But at this point the old relationship of unquestioning trust between me and my dad is burned, dead and buried. So we're going to have to start somewhere new. Now the trick is trying to figure out exactly how to do that, in a way that is both fair to him, but also gets my point across as sharply as is necessary to pierce his thick skull. Too tired to expound on that tonight, and I want to wait several days and meditate on it before I make my move, so more later.
Let's get divination going for tomorrow at least...
Me: 10 of Spades (Judgment) REVERSED - a gentle reminder to let go of something that needs to change
Situation: 4 of Spades (Death) - Change, endings
Outcome: King of Hearts - warm, loving man (career success?)
Hmm! This is definitely a reading that suggests, "don't resist the change". As to precisely what the change is... I have a few thoughts, but tomorrow will tell. Time to eat some ice cream and get my kid to bed.
Catching up.
26 August 2021 21:21 We moved, and then it took a few days to get the Internet, and then we switched from wi-fi to ethernet cable and so I had to get a different computer, and then I had to crawl out from under the burden of my own exhaustion. Good times! I've done divination every day and recorded it on a piece of paper. Let's see how much I can record here before the tireds get me...
Saturday: The day of the move, I did not feel strong at all (Strength REVERSED), and did not help nearly as much as our friends. Our family was severed (10 of Diamonds REVERSED). It was a crazy day and I had to sleep with an LED streetlight right in my face (Temperance REVERSED). Days where all three cards are reversed seem to be crazy pretty often, and this was not an exception.
Sunday: I worked as hard as I could to continue the move (8 of Clubs) and we got a majority of our stuff into the apartment, making it possible to live here, a real but partial victory (The World REVERSED). It was also a hectic, miserable day in which I collapsed into bed for a nap at 3 PM, our child was in distress, and it was impossible to find anything (Temperance REVERSED - yes, again).
Monday: Back to work - I admit that after the upheaval, I didn't trust anything or anyone to be stable anymore and wasn't sure if I could pull it off (4 of Hearts) but fortunately, everything went very smoothly work-wise (Temperance). I didn't do anything at all on the new house (8 of Clubs REVERSED) but my poor husband worked so hard getting things in the right place he was in bed with a migraine that night.
Tuesday: I had the quiet internal realization that, one way or another, I am going to have to cut ties with my father, but could not at that time decide on the right way to do that, and also want to wait until we retrieve a few last things out of his house (Death REVERSED). I buckled down at work and it went well (8 of Diamonds). The day ended with us moving a few more steps towards normalcy (The World REVERSED).
Wednesday: I finally felt myself start to move on from the toxic, ugly atmosphere that I'd been forced to exist under for the last fair bit at my dad's place (6 of Spades). I got the idea that it will need to be an email, the cutting of ties, and that it should have as little drama as possible (The Chariot). I guess I've matured at least that much - there will not be the fireworks that happened with my mother, for sure. Mike got a new video game and started to play it while I watched in the evening - a bonding exercise for us (King of Hearts).
Thursday: A day in which I felt rather pregnant (Strength REVERSED). I had a moment, first in a long time, where I WANTED to do stretches and exercise and longed to spend as much time as possible outside, and did get to do that some (King of Diamonds). I held myself to the vow of actually cooking eggs on our new stove, and achieved that (The Hanged Man). Step by step, we will move towards normal. I can finally, finally see the path.
Way too tired to divinate now - I will catch up tomorrow.
Saturday: The day of the move, I did not feel strong at all (Strength REVERSED), and did not help nearly as much as our friends. Our family was severed (10 of Diamonds REVERSED). It was a crazy day and I had to sleep with an LED streetlight right in my face (Temperance REVERSED). Days where all three cards are reversed seem to be crazy pretty often, and this was not an exception.
Sunday: I worked as hard as I could to continue the move (8 of Clubs) and we got a majority of our stuff into the apartment, making it possible to live here, a real but partial victory (The World REVERSED). It was also a hectic, miserable day in which I collapsed into bed for a nap at 3 PM, our child was in distress, and it was impossible to find anything (Temperance REVERSED - yes, again).
Monday: Back to work - I admit that after the upheaval, I didn't trust anything or anyone to be stable anymore and wasn't sure if I could pull it off (4 of Hearts) but fortunately, everything went very smoothly work-wise (Temperance). I didn't do anything at all on the new house (8 of Clubs REVERSED) but my poor husband worked so hard getting things in the right place he was in bed with a migraine that night.
Tuesday: I had the quiet internal realization that, one way or another, I am going to have to cut ties with my father, but could not at that time decide on the right way to do that, and also want to wait until we retrieve a few last things out of his house (Death REVERSED). I buckled down at work and it went well (8 of Diamonds). The day ended with us moving a few more steps towards normalcy (The World REVERSED).
Wednesday: I finally felt myself start to move on from the toxic, ugly atmosphere that I'd been forced to exist under for the last fair bit at my dad's place (6 of Spades). I got the idea that it will need to be an email, the cutting of ties, and that it should have as little drama as possible (The Chariot). I guess I've matured at least that much - there will not be the fireworks that happened with my mother, for sure. Mike got a new video game and started to play it while I watched in the evening - a bonding exercise for us (King of Hearts).
Thursday: A day in which I felt rather pregnant (Strength REVERSED). I had a moment, first in a long time, where I WANTED to do stretches and exercise and longed to spend as much time as possible outside, and did get to do that some (King of Diamonds). I held myself to the vow of actually cooking eggs on our new stove, and achieved that (The Hanged Man). Step by step, we will move towards normal. I can finally, finally see the path.
Way too tired to divinate now - I will catch up tomorrow.
Daily div.
20 August 2021 21:51 Want to get more sleep tonight... let's review quickly.
Me: Yes, I became more comfortable through hard work - I put in the time and learned a bunch at work today, and regained kudos from the manager to boot.
Situation: Yep, I was creative for sure - I managed to do a whole day of work AND finish up getting our lease paperwork arranged and signed. Go meeeee.
Outcome: I think I got the Queen of Spades again as a notification that I didn't quite get it right yesterday. Too tired to go into it, but what I'm learning right now is the hard limit of multi-generational family living. I had quite a gauzy view of it in 2019. Now I've got a good hard dose of its reality. If I ever do this again in the future... I will need to approach it in an entirely different way, with zero sentimentality whatsoever. That feels like the appropriate karmic lesson to take away.
Let's divinate...
Me: Ace of Clubs (Strength) REVERSED - not very strong, tough love, sticking up for one's rights
Situation: 10 of Diamonds REVERSED - instability in a family caused by taking risks
Outcome: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) REVERSED - rushed for time
Yeah... I don't even know if I need to write out the narrative. Me feeling weak after this long, terrible week. Our family up until now officially breaking apart, with us younger ones forced to take a huge financial risk. And feeling wrung out and rushed with all the things we need to do... ah well. Could it ever be otherwise? To bed, to bed.
Me: Yes, I became more comfortable through hard work - I put in the time and learned a bunch at work today, and regained kudos from the manager to boot.
Situation: Yep, I was creative for sure - I managed to do a whole day of work AND finish up getting our lease paperwork arranged and signed. Go meeeee.
Outcome: I think I got the Queen of Spades again as a notification that I didn't quite get it right yesterday. Too tired to go into it, but what I'm learning right now is the hard limit of multi-generational family living. I had quite a gauzy view of it in 2019. Now I've got a good hard dose of its reality. If I ever do this again in the future... I will need to approach it in an entirely different way, with zero sentimentality whatsoever. That feels like the appropriate karmic lesson to take away.
Let's divinate...
Me: Ace of Clubs (Strength) REVERSED - not very strong, tough love, sticking up for one's rights
Situation: 10 of Diamonds REVERSED - instability in a family caused by taking risks
Outcome: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) REVERSED - rushed for time
Yeah... I don't even know if I need to write out the narrative. Me feeling weak after this long, terrible week. Our family up until now officially breaking apart, with us younger ones forced to take a huge financial risk. And feeling wrung out and rushed with all the things we need to do... ah well. Could it ever be otherwise? To bed, to bed.
Daily div.
19 August 2021 22:26 Another day in paradise.
Me: Yes, I think I felt the most comfortable yet in the office today. I am starting to get my feet under me at the job! :) Which is great, because I'm more than committed at this point, really...
Situation: I realize that my feelings about the situation are coming in waves. Today I had more sadness come upon me this afternoon, but I managed to make sense of it by the evening. I realized that what's happened to me with my father is actually what happened between me and my mother back in 2018, just repeated with my "more rational" parent.
I have twice now had a parent swear up and down they were ready and willing to do something helpful for me that was their 'traditional' role - childcare for my mother, hosting us in his home by my father (and to his credit my dad has hosted us for over 18 months... nevertheless); they found out quickly that they had overcommitted but did not bother to have a conversation with me about this fact; an excuse popped up that would let them slip out of their vow; they grabbed it like a life-preserver; and while letting me know about this "reason" why they could no longer do what they had promised, they made sure to gratuitously and emotionally blame it all on me as if I had been the real bad guy all along, for ever thinking they would do what they promised me they would do.
My mother claimed, 2 weeks before I was scheduled to return to work with an agreement in place that she would watch my baby, that she needed to keep working at her job instead so that she could afford acupuncture (!), and told me I expected too much of her, that I should have just known she should be caregiving at most half-time (despite this being impossible with my work schedule, and not brought up beforehand). The very moment I got my current job, my father - who had been continually encouraging me to keep slogging through the application the entire previous month, hmm - suddenly "discovered" the threat from the Delta variant like a new religion, put us in an impossible situation with a claim that we were just having a "conversation" about "safety", and then when we let him know we were leaving, patronized me from atop his high horse with how I was "too pregnant to think logically" and how "I hadn't solved the problem" and he "was absolutely not evicting you! You can come back anytime!" But there's been a cautious lightness about him ever since, even as we have been extremely careful about how we talk to each other the few times we've interacted. He's gotten what he wanted. Soon, his house will belong to just him again.
In short, my entire DNA font-source is comprised of worthless shitheads, who somehow failed over the course of senior-citizen-length lives to learn the basics of respectful communication. (My brother is ADD, on legal meth for it, married to a horrible vegan childfree bitch, and on the East Coast. I write him postcards now and again but he does not respond. I don't expect to see him again until one of our parents dies.) Well - there had to be SOME shared basis for their awful marriage, I guess!
The hardest thing is that if my dad had just let me know that he was really struggling with having so much family in his home, and that he wanted to make a solid time-table for us to move out, I would have been upset for like a day (OK, a week) and then - accepted it, and made plans. It's his home, after all. He is an introvert pretending furiously to be an extrovert, always has been. He's given us 18 months, and even slept out in a tent last summer when we didn't have enough rooms for all of us. He really has gone above and beyond. Which, in a way, makes this even more painful. I did not see it coming. I still thought, on some level, that he was the reliable one.
For both my mom and dad, the issue is that they both want to be the type of parent that would, say, provide free childcare for their grandchildren, or let their adult kids in a rough situation crash at their place, no questions asked. But... neither of them are truly capable of what they aspire to. So they've both got a lot of cognitive dissonance about the situation, which finally bursts forth in blaming me for not somehow relieving them from this burden they set themselves up for. Which - yeah nope, I'm trying to raise children in a world implacably hostile to them, and I don't have the time or space to give a shit about Boomer feelings! I can't just pliably adjust myself to them and their whims anymore, as I once did so easily as a non-misbehaving teenager.
Clearly, I'm having a rebellion against my parents at age 35. 0 out of 10, do not recommend! At least when you're a teenager you have all this self-righteousness and energy and inability to understand what a brat you're being. When you're my age, it's more like the grimmest possible slog through a bleak, snow-covered valley. You would never ever choose to do it - unless you have no choice. I went scorched-earth with my mother for a while after she pulled that on me - we only have a relationship nowadays because my mother-in-law and, yes, my father begged me personally to reconcile (and after she completed 100 hours of free babysitting). I suppose I am glad that I gave her a second chance - the babysitting, now that my son is of an age she finds fun, is helpful. And there's no illusions between us as to what she needs to do to maintain our relationship going forward. I don't have the energy or ability to go scorched-earth with my father right now. But... I know what he did. And I think, on some level, he does too. I'm sure he'll spend hours coming up with justifications why he was right. He may even believe them. I guess I hope he does, because that's all he's going to have once this situation wraps up.
We need good relations in place to get all our crap out of his house, that will take several weekends. I'm going to be using his compost bin - will dump on Saturday evening, while he is at work - until I find a better alternative. My son will need a transition period from "old house" to "new house", which will be easier if we can visit this place on the weekends for a while (while my dad is at work). But as soon as these kinks are worked out... I no longer intend to call or communicate with him in any way other than the obligatory Christmas call, for the rest of his life. He can get any "family" urges out by visiting his girlfriend's family, which is much more enjoyable because she does all the emotional labor so he doesn't have to. He'll get his house back - his nice empty house, filled with nothing but his Facebook friends and his girlfriend who mostly exists on his phone nowadays. He should enjoy his golden years! In silence. My mother got fire; he's going to get ice.
We will not return here, once we have left, unless my children cannot eat any other way.
I struggled, but I finally have a worldview that makes sense about this, and am dealing OK.
Anyway... enough therapy writing, I gotta get to sleep.
Outcome: I got a question at the end of the day about "if I had finished all the training videos" from the boss, which means of course, "why are you reading the news during work?" The answer being of course "I do not have more than 4 hour of focused learning capability per day, same as the rest of the human race, yet you have assigned me 8 hours of video." Not that I said that (nor did I spend 4 hours or anything close to it reading the news, for the record). Ugh... but also, oh well. I've gotta find some other task I can break up the videos with and still appear "responsible". This does correlate with my karma, though, because I caused this issue by personally choosing to take breaks, and employers have commented about my apparent lack of focus in the past (it actually helps the quality of my work when I take occasional breaks, but that's hard to tell from the outside). At least it should be (relatively) easy to solve. Just one more day left in this week.
Divination, and bed!
Me: 8 of Diamonds - Comfort achieved through hard work
Situation: Queen of Clubs - optimism, creativity, little one
Outcome: Queen of Spades - oh no not again
Oof... well, I think the Queen of Spades is a marker that I need to be more serious about clearing my karma tomorrow. I NEED this job; I need to take it with absolute seriousness. Other than that, seems like it could be a pretty good day! Let's work towards that.
Me: Yes, I think I felt the most comfortable yet in the office today. I am starting to get my feet under me at the job! :) Which is great, because I'm more than committed at this point, really...
Situation: I realize that my feelings about the situation are coming in waves. Today I had more sadness come upon me this afternoon, but I managed to make sense of it by the evening. I realized that what's happened to me with my father is actually what happened between me and my mother back in 2018, just repeated with my "more rational" parent.
I have twice now had a parent swear up and down they were ready and willing to do something helpful for me that was their 'traditional' role - childcare for my mother, hosting us in his home by my father (and to his credit my dad has hosted us for over 18 months... nevertheless); they found out quickly that they had overcommitted but did not bother to have a conversation with me about this fact; an excuse popped up that would let them slip out of their vow; they grabbed it like a life-preserver; and while letting me know about this "reason" why they could no longer do what they had promised, they made sure to gratuitously and emotionally blame it all on me as if I had been the real bad guy all along, for ever thinking they would do what they promised me they would do.
My mother claimed, 2 weeks before I was scheduled to return to work with an agreement in place that she would watch my baby, that she needed to keep working at her job instead so that she could afford acupuncture (!), and told me I expected too much of her, that I should have just known she should be caregiving at most half-time (despite this being impossible with my work schedule, and not brought up beforehand). The very moment I got my current job, my father - who had been continually encouraging me to keep slogging through the application the entire previous month, hmm - suddenly "discovered" the threat from the Delta variant like a new religion, put us in an impossible situation with a claim that we were just having a "conversation" about "safety", and then when we let him know we were leaving, patronized me from atop his high horse with how I was "too pregnant to think logically" and how "I hadn't solved the problem" and he "was absolutely not evicting you! You can come back anytime!" But there's been a cautious lightness about him ever since, even as we have been extremely careful about how we talk to each other the few times we've interacted. He's gotten what he wanted. Soon, his house will belong to just him again.
In short, my entire DNA font-source is comprised of worthless shitheads, who somehow failed over the course of senior-citizen-length lives to learn the basics of respectful communication. (My brother is ADD, on legal meth for it, married to a horrible vegan childfree bitch, and on the East Coast. I write him postcards now and again but he does not respond. I don't expect to see him again until one of our parents dies.) Well - there had to be SOME shared basis for their awful marriage, I guess!
The hardest thing is that if my dad had just let me know that he was really struggling with having so much family in his home, and that he wanted to make a solid time-table for us to move out, I would have been upset for like a day (OK, a week) and then - accepted it, and made plans. It's his home, after all. He is an introvert pretending furiously to be an extrovert, always has been. He's given us 18 months, and even slept out in a tent last summer when we didn't have enough rooms for all of us. He really has gone above and beyond. Which, in a way, makes this even more painful. I did not see it coming. I still thought, on some level, that he was the reliable one.
For both my mom and dad, the issue is that they both want to be the type of parent that would, say, provide free childcare for their grandchildren, or let their adult kids in a rough situation crash at their place, no questions asked. But... neither of them are truly capable of what they aspire to. So they've both got a lot of cognitive dissonance about the situation, which finally bursts forth in blaming me for not somehow relieving them from this burden they set themselves up for. Which - yeah nope, I'm trying to raise children in a world implacably hostile to them, and I don't have the time or space to give a shit about Boomer feelings! I can't just pliably adjust myself to them and their whims anymore, as I once did so easily as a non-misbehaving teenager.
Clearly, I'm having a rebellion against my parents at age 35. 0 out of 10, do not recommend! At least when you're a teenager you have all this self-righteousness and energy and inability to understand what a brat you're being. When you're my age, it's more like the grimmest possible slog through a bleak, snow-covered valley. You would never ever choose to do it - unless you have no choice. I went scorched-earth with my mother for a while after she pulled that on me - we only have a relationship nowadays because my mother-in-law and, yes, my father begged me personally to reconcile (and after she completed 100 hours of free babysitting). I suppose I am glad that I gave her a second chance - the babysitting, now that my son is of an age she finds fun, is helpful. And there's no illusions between us as to what she needs to do to maintain our relationship going forward. I don't have the energy or ability to go scorched-earth with my father right now. But... I know what he did. And I think, on some level, he does too. I'm sure he'll spend hours coming up with justifications why he was right. He may even believe them. I guess I hope he does, because that's all he's going to have once this situation wraps up.
We need good relations in place to get all our crap out of his house, that will take several weekends. I'm going to be using his compost bin - will dump on Saturday evening, while he is at work - until I find a better alternative. My son will need a transition period from "old house" to "new house", which will be easier if we can visit this place on the weekends for a while (while my dad is at work). But as soon as these kinks are worked out... I no longer intend to call or communicate with him in any way other than the obligatory Christmas call, for the rest of his life. He can get any "family" urges out by visiting his girlfriend's family, which is much more enjoyable because she does all the emotional labor so he doesn't have to. He'll get his house back - his nice empty house, filled with nothing but his Facebook friends and his girlfriend who mostly exists on his phone nowadays. He should enjoy his golden years! In silence. My mother got fire; he's going to get ice.
We will not return here, once we have left, unless my children cannot eat any other way.
I struggled, but I finally have a worldview that makes sense about this, and am dealing OK.
Anyway... enough therapy writing, I gotta get to sleep.
Outcome: I got a question at the end of the day about "if I had finished all the training videos" from the boss, which means of course, "why are you reading the news during work?" The answer being of course "I do not have more than 4 hour of focused learning capability per day, same as the rest of the human race, yet you have assigned me 8 hours of video." Not that I said that (nor did I spend 4 hours or anything close to it reading the news, for the record). Ugh... but also, oh well. I've gotta find some other task I can break up the videos with and still appear "responsible". This does correlate with my karma, though, because I caused this issue by personally choosing to take breaks, and employers have commented about my apparent lack of focus in the past (it actually helps the quality of my work when I take occasional breaks, but that's hard to tell from the outside). At least it should be (relatively) easy to solve. Just one more day left in this week.
Divination, and bed!
Me: 8 of Diamonds - Comfort achieved through hard work
Situation: Queen of Clubs - optimism, creativity, little one
Outcome: Queen of Spades - oh no not again
Oof... well, I think the Queen of Spades is a marker that I need to be more serious about clearing my karma tomorrow. I NEED this job; I need to take it with absolute seriousness. Other than that, seems like it could be a pretty good day! Let's work towards that.
