sh1njuk1

 I was so overjoyed by the turn of events yesterday, that I kind of skimmed over my dreadful reading for the next day. Well... it was accurate. Unfortunately. 

I had another interview for the position in question first thing this morning, and it was very successful - sigh. Afterwards I went out and took a very long walk, did some shopping, signed up for a gym membership, and had a rather long and thoughtful talk with the local gentleman who putters about our sidewalk-less roads in a wheelchair, who has survived AIDS for over 30 years, about why everyone seems so weird right now. My thoughts: "Our society isn't used to periods of intense suffering. People haven't quite figured out exactly what happened to them last year..." His thoughts were that COVID was an opportunity for people to turn to love over fear. He's writing his memoirs and it's clear that's how he wants to wrap them up. Boy, I hope he's right...

It wrapped up with me admitting I was still unvaccinated, because I am worried about infertility side effects from the current crop of vaccines. Though also adding, the vaccines have been good things for many people, of course himself (very high risk and vaccinated long ago) included. He told me I was brave and an inspiration - that was very kind of him, he is an extremely kind man, and I thanked him for it, but I do not feel so brave today. Mostly just tired, and wrung out like a dry sponge. 

I know all this isn't even a ten-thousandth as intense as what happened in Europe in the '30s and '40s, but it feels like I've been getting a tiny taste of the same dish. I understand why the Germans mostly just saluted Hitler and looked the other way while their Jewish neighbors were burned in ovens, now. I understand why almost no one made a different choice. It's like lighting yourself on fire! If I wasn't doing this for my own child, I'm not even sure I could resist as much as I have... How simplistic our school lessons about the Holocaust were! The horror is undeniable, but I see now that no one really understands anything about that period in history until they get a glimpse not only into the minds of the perpetrators, but also those who stood by and did nothing whatsoever to stop it. 

My grandmother became an Allied nurse in southern Germany right after the war ended, and she was always telling me how much she hated the Nazis - and in the same breath, insisting on what good people the Germans were, how terribly they suffered. While she was there, she employed several of the local people in her home and patronized literal starving artists - we have a magnificent portrait, museum-quality, of her in the hallway that I know wasn't her style but was no doubt ordered out of sympathy with a man who had no other way to feed his family. I wondered after I became an adult if my grandma was splitting hairs a bit - no doubt the immense post-war suffering of the German people was earned karmically, after all.  Maybe so, maybe not, but I now understand she was an incredibly kind and empathetic woman, which didn't always come across to me through her stern demeanor. When we finally, as a society, pass through all of this... I will do my best to emulate her. 

After that, I did a ritual in which I was able once again to communicate well with my body. It was pretty unambiguous in its message for me - "Take care of me first, THEN have that baby." Indeed! Message received. I'll start visiting the gym properly tomorrow. 

And after that, and after finding out there is yet another interview they wanted to schedule for Wednesday... I continued to feel completely exhausted and worn out and stressed. It occurred to me that if this is my general mood over the next several months, I'm just going to miscarry any child I conceive! So, after discussing it with Mike one final time, I decided to rip the band-aid off. I emailed the HR person directly and told her that I was currently unvaccinated, that I was waiting until 2022 or the Novavax, whichever came first, and that it was due to concerns about infertility, as we want to have another child in the next few years. I offered to comply with any necessary requirements (masks, etc) to keep others in the office feeling safe, but if this was disqualifying for the position, I want to have it be known now before we go any further. Right before sending, I said a small prayer to the egregore of Avery Denison as I did so - perhaps really a small prayer to my former self, my former values - thanking it for giving me a pleasant interview experience, accepting whatever the outcome would be, and hoping that everything would work out in the best possible way for all. 

I have no idea whether I'll even get a reply, lol. This could very well be a surprisingly abrupt end to what would have been a 4 (!!) interview cycle. But complete silence would definitely be better than a long, awkward, "well we can't technically fire you for it but......." so I hope at least I can avoid that. 

My father will be incredibly disappointed if I don't land this job, and I honestly don't know what I will tell him. I wish I had never told him anything about it whatsoever. I am going to try to move my desk into my room this week so that he can't oversee anything I'm working on, and I'll try to conduct business with the "...to be silent!" maxim first and foremost going forward. 

I slightly regret torpedoing Avery Denison - a few short years ago everyone I talked with there would have been "my people", and it would have enabled us to stay in the PMC a bit longer, though not to afford a home or anything like that lol (and their fancy salary healthcare plan ended up being no better than our current poverty plan through the government, sheesh!) - and if they have a more positive response than I am expecting I am still open to working there - but at this point, I would also be relieved never to hear anything back from them ever again. Every part of this experience has been a forced look through the lens of "how the other half live" - how I imagine non-PMC often feel when forced to be at the mercy of PMC. Or, you know... darker analogues. I feel like I burned yet another chunk of karma through this whole mess, but of course, these experiences always SUCK. 

I'm not going to do one single thing related to the job hunt tomorrow whatsoever. I'm going to work out, and sew, and recover. That's IT. 

In short, I was the Chariot, because I had a breakthrough on how to finally settle and wrap up the wretched situation; the situation was the Queen of Swords with her pointy karma delivery device; and for the outcome, I took on the responsibility (10 of Clubs) of laying it all out on the table, and accepted the consequences thereof. Pat and dry. 

Divination for my (oh gods please) quiet day tomorrow...

Me: Ace of Spades - Focus, Clarity

Situation: Jack of Diamonds - Fascination, Wonder, Scholarship

Outcome: 10 of Clubs REVERSED - "Reversed, in the Outcome position, this card advises the Seeker to give up her burdens, put down the weight she has been carrying and accept her own limitations. She's been trying to do too much, carrying too heavy a load, and she needs to be realistic about what she, alone, can accomplish." 

Signs are good for the quiet day I'm coveting tomorrow... sounds like I will be able to focus on my sewing, and watch a bunch of episodes on the library DVD about English cathedrals. And, hopefully, one way or another... this situation can resolve. Fingers crossed. 

Guess what? I'm not taking the Amazon job after all! 

I woke up once again at 4 AM in the morning feeling absolutely miserable... and I just finally thought... why? Why am I doing this?? For $1200 fucking dollars a month?!

It would be more money than that - the unemployment benefits start to phase out in September - but I ran some very interesting numbers about how much, precisely, we managed to save over the past year while I struggled through with my last miserable contract. It turns out that we saved... next to nothing at all. Most of our current savings, even, is the stimulus payments + the money we borrowed from our family. And where did that money go? To a lot of things - but most of the non-necessities are under the category of "spending on stuff to keep from falling into suicidal despair." Because that's the type of year it was. And I could not deny it... the same feelings were coming back to me, no matter what and how I kept trying to convince myself to take the job. Mike told me he supported me, my dad said he supported me, even my father-in-law said he supported me too...

So I sent an email to the recruiter just an hour or so ago, telling her that I was having too many sudden mental health issues to be confident I could perform in the role, and to send my apologies to the manager. Not a lie, even!

So - we will live more dangerously. Or will we? There are many dangers in this world... I may have dodged one of them!

Given this blog's purpose, I want to describe the spiritual part of this, not just the practical. I am doing most of the SOP now - the four elements, at least. And as I was trying to focus on them, I figured out the following spiritual truths:

• Amazon really was trying to hunt me down. Their egregore or whatever really was predatory towards me, I wasn't imagining it. 
• The real division was inside me - inside my will. The moment I thought I might get the Amazon job, I was barely able to perform the Fire (will) part of the SOP. I recognized a few days back that it was because my will was deeply divided, and have been struggling to unite it ever since. Well... it's united now. 
• My mind was able to come up with many rationalizations for why it was a good idea to take the job. But it was also able to come up with many rationalizations why I shouldn't take the job. It was a neutral agent. I think all in all it performed well, I'm not mad at it. 
• My heart was numb the entire week, and the ritual didn't seem to be working to "clean" things out, until I finally this afternoon allowed myself to believe that I could back out of this. Upon thinking to myself my incantation for Water - "may my feelings show me what I need to know, may they come quickly and then go" I burst into tears. I really don't do this often - the last time was the moment I gave up home ownership in Portland, in mid-November 2020, at approximately 2 AM in the morning - so that much was a big deal. 
• In the middle of my sobs, I said aloud "We will have to be brave, won't we? And let the old life die..." It wasn't premeditated, and felt like it came from a deeper place than usual. It felt like the truth bubbled out. 
• The most effective banishing I have been able to do this week is in my brand-new Earth invocation, focusing on the body. In the end it was my body - my subconscious - which stepped up and made its will known here. And... I see that what the body wants, the body gets. I have a stronger "lower half" than I sometimes think.
• Or do I? Is the fact that it took this long for my body to get its message through to my head, even when my head was completely divided on the matter itself, yet another sign that I am "top-heavy"?
• I felt all this week as if I was wrestling a demon. I'm not entirely sure that's an exaggeration. 
• It was so much easier, in my heart of hearts, to convert to Druidry vs to take one step away from neoliberalism... shows you what the real religion of this country and civilization is, eh?
• This feels like the better path, spiritually. And normally I wouldn't consider that aspect - I mean, before, that was barely a category. I would have called it "ethics" and most likely shrugged off my concerns in the face of specific goals. Probably. But I couldn't this time. And even though I know I'll need to go through another round of cost reductions... and that the next predator I'll need to deal with is the state, should they investigate... I am so, so, SO relieved. 
• Fuck Amazon.
• I am going to continue on this Druid path, and become a better and more resilient person. Amen. 

The Queen of Spades and her pointy, painful sword plunged right through the middle of me today again - cutting away the old, maybe even later than it should have been done. The Hermit asked of me Sacrifice Without Regret, and I gave to him my old life, and bid it farewell. The Hanged Man, I read about in the longer reference book, often represents going against the grain - he is upside-down after all - and turning down a nice plush contract at Amazon where I could work from home etc. etc. is definitely going against the mainstream. So the divination was a slam-dunk. 

I thought a little bit more, actually, about that one reading from earlier in the week - the one that felt like it was about more than a single day. The Me was Amazon - nearly immersed in the waves. The Situation was "finding solace in nature or religion" - that was my Druid path. The Outcome was the Magician - "transformation" - me finally walking away from the way I'd approached the job hunt for at least the past decade, and moving towards... something new. Tarot can mean something new every time you look at them...

OK - let's do a divination, and sleep well at last tonight. 

Me: 8 of Hearts (The Moon) - Subtlety, Mystery, Instinct

Situation: 10 of Hearts (Wheel of Fortune) - Plans set in motion

Outcome: Jack of Diamonds - Fascination, Wonder, Scholarship

I see... let's sketch a narrative. I reconnect with my instinct, my inner self. I make plans for the next phase of my life. And I embark on them, as the Jack/Page, with a sense of wonder and a nose for scholarship. I sure hope this is close to the truth! 

 Like most nights when I do a big meal, I got so exhausted I fell asleep putting my kid to bed! I decided to prioritize sleep this time :)

I did that whole big post in honor of the Death card - though it tired me, I think it was good to ascertain exactly where I am at this time, in the cycle of destruction, renewal and change. And hey... speaking to the NSA bots is the only influence I have on national politics nowadays. Maybe they took my argument into consideration! ;) 

Yesterday, I took on the burden of pushing the Ecosophian meet-up forward to a final proposal. It was a lot of work towards the end. But... it was done! Burden successfully carried! :)

And the Mystery card - much more subtle than I presumed. But when I came back to my own bed at 3 AM, my husband gasped and said I'd spooked him. I almost never do that - I wonder what it was about me last night? Or about him? Or perhaps I need to look up the hidden 8 of Hearts meaning to figure this one out...

Let's hurry through a divination. 

Me: Jack of Spades - Caution, Potential

Situation: 4 of Hearts - Hesitation to try something new, Fear of past mistakes

Outcome: Jack of Diamonds - Fascination, Wonder, Scholarship

Quick narrative: I am cautiously making my way through my candidacy statement (and I do need to get going on that); heck, the 4 of Hearts could be related to that (I am nervous about sounding dumb or incorrect in writing about spiritual matters), and in the end, I complete it! Or, I read a lot about the Willamette River and that's fine too :)

Yep... another bang-on reading. It occurred to me in the middle of the day that a veritable string of Diamonds indicates a day focused on prosaic, down-to-earth matters of the home, and that's exactly what today was... exactly.

Eventually this will stop being eerie. Eventually.

3 of Diamonds - I collaborated with Mike to make sure our household was well-supplied, and with some Ecosophians to move forward the group meet-up in Portland.

2 of Diamonds - Today was all about juggling, in the way that most household chores days are.

Ace of Diamonds - I am currently sitting here with a feeling of great peace, thanks to all the advancements I pushed forward today. I feel like the card makes me feel <3

OK... let's get ready for a Monday.

Me: Jack of Diamonds - Fascination, Wonder, Scholarship

Situation: 5 of Diamonds (The Hierophant) - Tradition, Spiritual Authority, Deception

Outcome: 2 of Spades (The Hanged Man) - Peace through Self-Discipline, Freedom from Distraction

The Hierophant keeps showing up in my draws... I wish he wouldn't :/ But - there's a reason I keep drawing him. So it goes, sigh.

Here's my narrative: I approach tomorrow with an interest in learning (perhaps I'll go get The Druidry Handbook tomorrow, for instance!) Actually that works very well with the Hierophant - the Handbook is ostensibly a work of great authority, if it gets into my hand tomorrow, that's the situation right there. And the Hanged Man... perhaps I will feel satisfied that I had the self-discipline to get anything done? We'll see!

And now... to bed :)

Here's the next step in the use of my cards, copied from the following link:

https://ecosophia.dreamwidth.org/13910.html

"Part Two is to cast a simple reading every day. The one I recommend is three cards laid side by side. The first represents you; the second represents the situation; the third represents the outcome. Shuffle the cards, ask them "What do I need to understand about today's events?" and then shuffle them again, cut, and deal out three cards. Again, look at the cards, and see what reactions they awaken in you; then look up their meanings and think about those; then try to tell a very simple story in which the cards provide the plot and your life provides the characters and the setting.

Write down your interpretation. Of course it's going to be wrong at first; don't worry about that. Just write it down, then shuffle the cards, put them away, and go do something else."

Shuffled, drawn, sorted. Here we go...

Me: The Queen of Spades.

The situation: The Jack of Diamonds.

The outcome: The 3 of Clubs.

I'm going to filter this through the trip out to meet the Coworking Agency people I'm gonna see in about an hour...

Me: Strategy, intelligence. I've been contemplating all day how I'm going to navigate the vaccination topic with them, so that's about right.

Situation: Fascination, wonder, scholarship. The situation provides me an opportunity to learn. I'm excited to see how they're all doing, and will ask them. Also, I'll be headed to the Audobon society afterwards, and will no doubt increase my knowledge greatly about local birds :)

Outcome: Efforts rewarded, success in business. I will learn about the agency people, and make a great stride forward in learning about birds.

Sounds pretty good! I like this reading, and it might just be a pretty good day... let's see!