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Me card: I was a bit nervous about this one, having the nuance as it did of a deadly fight one might not necessarily win. What it seems to have been, though, was a reference to how I feel about my general situation - and that was what came out in my email to my mother-in-law today - I did not state it quite as bluntly as I am about to, but I am hyper-aware of what danger my family and I are in by our lack of social networks right now (and I do NOT mean Facebook!). A Fourth Turning is a bad, bad time to be an independent thinker. I am putting a lot of energy into trying to find ways to fit myself into a group that don't involve potentially sacrificing my own child. It SHOULD be easier than this, but, well, here we are. 

Situation card: Everything went so well for me today :) The universe is offering me a break, and by gum, I will accept it! My mother-in-law not only apologized to me directly for what happened, she told me that I'd shifted her perspective on vaccine refusers (!!). I had two interviews today (only being done for unemployment claim purposes) and both conversations were quite pleasant, and reminded me that there are options out there if something about Avery Denison doesn't work out. My health steadily improved throughout the day, I took a nice walk in the sun, I did floorcerzises at the request of my body, I did a ritual in the public park and I think I was decent entertainment for a mother and her son hanging out nearby, lol. Can't think of a better example of a day matching The Lovers, really!

Outcome card: "This card is telling the questioner that her best interests in this matter will be upheld by maintaining a non-confrontational stance. In addition, if a confrontation is feared, she can relax because it won't happen." Amen and amen to that, and full speed ahead with repairing my family relationships...!

Let's divinate to find out what tomorrow holds...

Me: 4 of Diamonds - Hesitation to help others, preoccupation with material possessions "security, protection, caution"

Situation: Jack of Spades - Caution, Potential

Outcome: Queen of Hearts (The Empress) - fertility, motherhood, "a sympathetic, loving woman will have a great deal to do with it"

Interesting - I hope that I can manage to be more generous than all that tomorrow! Nevertheless, a focus on security, I can see. This is mirrored by the Jack of Spades. This might represent something to do with my planned call with Violet tomorrow, too. Now of course my ears perk up whenever I get the Empress as the Outcome card... :) I still don't believe I am pregnant yet, that would genuinely surprise me, but I will keep an eye out for how this card might express itself without an actual pregnancy. And with that... time to cuddle my cute little toddler and get him to bed!

 Oog... I wish the drama would let up a bit, seriously. I never want a clean sweep of Hearts cards again...

(At some point, I distinctly feel that I was told/threatened that middle age would be boring. To this I say - WHEN WILL THIS PROMISE BE FULFILLED?! My aging body is READY, come on!!) 

Anyway, I spent the morning writing probably too many comments telling my personal story of how little the society/my family has supported me in having a kid - definitely feelings bubbling up from within, the Jack of Hearts fish seems to be indicative of that - and then jumped from there right into the interview. 

It went... fantastic. A job that I would never have dreamed could exist, it seems so good. I could go into how and why, but it would just be too painful. Because... along with its general perfection... there was pressure to be vaccinated, right off the bat. "It's not legally required, but it would help the older people in this office feel safe." Oog. 

I mean... I could go on a tear here about how "the older people" are all vaccinated - and if they didn't trust the vaccination to protect them, why the hell did they get one - and how really by their own logic the one in danger is ME from THEM but whatever. It doesn't matter. Logic left the station with COVID-19 a long time ago. 

Perhaps this is karma? The universe's revenge for the spell I cast with my posters last year, the one to encourage people to wear masks, thinking it would save Portland's restaurants? Now it will be my fate to do my new job, if an offer comes along (it seems likely, though there's one more round of interview) as the only one in a mask in the entire office. Well, if so... karma targets the magical practitioner like a bullet, indeed. May I learn my lesson. May I be humbled. 

In short, I'm pretty unsure whether I can make any friendships or do a good job with clients as the one masked person in the office. It will be like sewing a yellow star on my clothing (though hopefully with less Kristallnacht). There does seems to be a large data entry portion to the job, and there's an option to work from home at least a few days, and so I guess I could do calls with clients from... my room. They'll mostly be global so it will be manageable. I'd rather stay home for them and be maskless, then try to swing my video calls masked for the sake of the office's perennially terrified "older people". 

But of course, I will not kill my own future child (potentially) for their fear. The pure evil of what they "kindly" ask... they know not. Few of us know how brutal we really are to others. Patience and kindness is what I will do my best to summon and extend to them... as much as I can without harming myself. 

It's crushing to realize that I will be doing the new, nice job in some form of the same hell I spent the last 18 months enduring. Not quite as bad, thank goodness - and I still believe that I can provide enough value to the company that neither they or I will think I'm stiffing them. But... I can see the end of this career on the horizon. The end of this life. This perfect salaried job--the one my parents always dreamed of for me--should I get it, I will probably quit after about 10 months or so, when I get too pregnant to be effective. It could even be a relief for both parties. And I will never go back. 

Well on THAT note the Temperance card is pretty on point no?? The perfect job, tempered perfectly with having to perform it under the conditions of an untreated leper. Joy and sorrow. I've been up and down all day. It averages out to a boring life (WHEN WILL IT COME, I ASK YOU). 

The Lovers seems to be the outcome measuring how great this job is compared to the last one that almost ripped me out of my burrow, so to speak. Or... perhaps it's doing as the Amazon egregore did, and is the card representing that entity? King of Hearts for Amazon, The Lovers for this job... 

In any case, the third round of interviews isn't until Monday, so Gods willing I can take a goddamn break tomorrow. Let's see. 

Me: Joker (The Fool) - Freedom, Fearlessness

Situation: 8 of Clubs REVERSED - NOT a lot of small actions to maintain stability, or repetition

Outcome: 2 of Diamonds (The High Priestess) - Juggling, Multi-tasking

Well - I'm good with this. (No Hearts, thank everything...) I'm in the mood for a day of freedom/fearlessness, I could use it. I'll be doing very targeted and unusual actions - preparing for my initiation ceremony this Saturday, I've only got two days to get a ton of tasks done. So... not repetition. And I think I'll still be right in the thick of it by the end of the day, therefore the multi-tasking. We shall see!

 A quick one today, so that I can get to sleep - It's like my body remembered belatedly that I am on Day 2 of my period, lol! ^^;

I did not stay awake with worries, at any point today - I had a few, and I dealt with them each in turn.

This day was very, very much about family - Mike and I had a serious chat about what I could do to show him that I was committed to our family and our marriage, even after turning down this job. He told me that he wants me to actively move in a career direction - not just float until I am forced to take another miserable job. And y'know... he's right. I don't want to get caught by the leg by Amazon (or similar) again! So I actually applied for that part-time job in the school system. Perhaps I could transition, into being a teacher...? It's a beautiful dream I've had for a long time, made impossible by the $35,000 price tag for a master's degree (fuck that, fuck everything about that). It will have to come from starting at the bottom, though, and working my way up. Perhaps... perhaps it's possible. Let's see :)

The Jack of Spades is me all over today - full of caution, striding forward into an uncertain future where I need to keep my cards close to my chest. But also - potential. Potential for things to be better tomorrow, for myself and our family to be happier. I pray it can come true. And I will work for it - and work hard. 

Divination time...

Me: 6 of Hearts (The Lovers) - Love, Beauty, Union

Situation: 7 of Hearts REVERSED - "a clear choice and a firm decision" 

Outcome: 8 of Spades (Justice) REVERSED - "an unjust, unfair decision - do not push forward right now"

Hmmm. That last card sure does make me nervous. But at least the first two are in line with how I am feeling lately. Well... let's see what tomorrow has in store!

The slow path to healing/re-grouping my will continues. I had the conversation previously mentioned with my husband this morning, after having woken up at 3 in the morning with an overwhelming temptation to run - somewhere, anywhere, leaving my family behind, leaving everything behind...

I knew that I wouldn't do it - I have better control of my will than that. (And, note the extremely on-point "Me" card from yesterday.) But I ran with the fantasy for a bit, to properly exorcise it from my soul. And after I limped out of bed this morning, after he took the kid to daycare (I wasn't in a state to be seen, frankly) my husband and I had the Conversation. 

It went - well. I recognized, then and now, that my higher mind and the cards and the logical path all points in one direction. There's a dishonor element to working for Amazon, but I can think of ways to choke it down and make progress towards a better life despite goddamn Amazon paying my salary for now. It's my animal self which was--without a lick of exaggeration--traumatized by my last contract that is screaming and scrabbling for escape. So to make the despair and exhaustion and escape fantasies stop, I went over some extremely specific requests about how to handle my new schedule - I'll be moving my desk back in to bub's room for my office (as I can close the door for better focus there), I'll be draping the screens with silk (after turning off the machines for the evening), I will be decorating the area with posters and pictures and frankly protective signs. (I need to ask Violet what the name of her image is!) Mike is willing to drop Grayson off in the morning so that I can get started earlier, and therefore end my workday sooner. Refreshing my memory on my Japanese skills isn't such a bad thing - I found studying Japanese very relaxing for 15 years of my life, and this could be an opportunity to tap into that one last time. I'll be taking a walk every single day for an hour. And I'll be getting a gym membership, to attend a few evenings a week. 

And on THAT note, hallelujah, praise the gods, the mask mandate for my state is LIFTED!! I can go into the gym without a reservation and without a mask! The cute little coffee shop that's in walking distance has put its tables out! And you can sit there - without a mask!! I have actual options to increase my mental health now!!! :D And the house is free of awful extended relatives and all cats (RIP Zoot), so it will be more possible to relax and focus in it. 

So, basically, this isn't the same situation as I was in a few months ago - I have actual options to help keep myself sane. And... after we talked... Mike held me in his arms and convinced me that he's on board with our plans. That he wants this baby too, and is fine with me leaving the tech industry for good after this final contract - that he wants more than anything else for me to be happy. And then made love to me <3 Which, y'know, really works as a technique for informing the animal self how thing are! I still drove around in a bit of a haze afterwards, and went to a McMenamins as a bit of a pilgrimage (it was fine, a nice place, wish I could have had a beer) but the trend is unmistakable. I should be able to do this. I think I can. I believe I can. 

It's so much fun trying to fit 6 months of healing into 6 days wheeeee YEAH. Talk about lumps of karma! :/

Anyway, back to the divination part of this - the situation card was the Queen of Spades, with an unsheathed sword. I think she represents executing a strategy that requires blood to be shed - i.e., pain. I also drew her the day I finally quit the co-working agency. It was necessary, but like executing a part of myself. Today, too, is like that. 

And for the 8 of Diamonds - our friend Cory came over tonight! :) I had just enough energy left over after doing a ritual to cook him and my husband a nice dinner - they LOVED it, both of them, and it provided me some comfort to see them enjoying it like that. So - thank goodness for that. 

Let's get the divination done for tomorrow, the day I have to stagger my way through the contracting agency's stupidly detailed and insulting background check. Oh - and put together my curriculum at the library, and buy the fabric for my Druid robe!

Me: 8 of Spades (Justice) REVERSED - NO Reason, Fairness

Situation: 5 of Spades REVERSED - NO disappointment, difficult opponent

Outcome: 6 of Hearts (The Lovers) - Love, Beauty, Union

Huh... I looked up common interpretations of that first card and got "feelings that someone else is being unfair, unreasonable." Well - that's going to be me finishing up the fucking background check, that's for sure! But the other cards are quite good - there won't be an opponent for the rest of the day, and the outcome looks like extreme harmony. I certainly hope so - fingers crossed. 

Let's get through this before the kid gets out of the bath...

The Chariot: Honestly not sure how this represented me today. I'll need to read up on the regular 7 of Spades to understand this card in the future.

Ace of Diamonds: This one was bang-on ;) I took a long nap in the middle of the day, spent some time with Mike <3 and started my period. That is always a time of great peace for me - I just want to snuggle and be held and not think too hard throughout all of it.

King of Hearts - Honestly, not too much was achieved today, especially professionally. I wonder if I need to look an alternative interpretation of this one up as well? If we're going by "master of the emotions" then I feel like I might be there at least for tonight. Hormones help, lol, but I've also been doing the "water" aspect of the SOP for about a week now and it is starting to feel like it's having an effect...

Let's get tomorrow's done. Second day of period, it will be, so let's keep our ambitions small...

Me: Joker (The Fool) - Freedom, Fearlessness

Situation: 6 of Hearts (The Lovers) - Love, Beauty, Union

Outcome: 8 of Diamonds - Comfort Achieved through Work and Persistence

Hmm! Seems accurate enough. I'll be bobbing about at my hormonal spacy-est tomorrow - that's plenty like The Fool. I'm planning to go to another McMenamins - I find them extremely beautiful. And, I hope I'll be working hard on tomorrow's dinner, and that we will all be able to enjoy it together <3

And... that's enough for today, I'm off :)

PS - I looked up the 5 of Diamonds common readings. It turns out it's a feeling of being cast out, of loneliness (though also with the hope of a new community). That was the day I formally returned my keys and cancelled my co-working agency membership, which I'd poured so many hopes into at the beginning of 2020. So... there's another bang-on reading. My cards are really working hard for me. I ought to get them a nice silk wrapping :) It's being budgeted!

Another one bang-on - I spent the entire day working on stuff - I got SO much done, I'm completely caught up, and have nothing whatsoever hanging over my head left to do! :) Focus and Clarity, indeed!

King of Hearts... I wonder. I did a lot of applying to jobs and getting my resume out there today. I gots my $737, lol! I suppose that counts good 'nogh.

7 of Hearts... I did realize something at the end of the day, as we were hosting our neighbors... Mike offered that I was doing tarot cards recently, and I realized - I actually don't want anyone else to touch my cards! They have "me" all over them now, and I don't want to disrupt that. Secrets? New Feelings? Perhaps both...

That was a pretty good one. Let's do the daily div!

Me: 4 of Clubs - Solid Foundations, Stability, Celebration

Situation: 6 of Hearts (The Lovers) - Love, Beauty, Union

Outcome: 9 of Hearts - Selfishness, Excess

This one seems decent! I like being the solid foundations for sure :) And hopefully, Mike and I will have a day (or a session??? lol!) of closeness as partners. The outcome is a bit worrisome - I will need to keep an eye on the end of the day, in particular when Cory comes over, to make sure that I don't get greedy with his emotional energy... that's probably the most relevant danger.

And with that - to bed, with a book <3