Daily div.
1 July 2021 23:24![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sh1njuk1The slow path to healing/re-grouping my will continues. I had the conversation previously mentioned with my husband this morning, after having woken up at 3 in the morning with an overwhelming temptation to run - somewhere, anywhere, leaving my family behind, leaving everything behind...
I knew that I wouldn't do it - I have better control of my will than that. (And, note the extremely on-point "Me" card from yesterday.) But I ran with the fantasy for a bit, to properly exorcise it from my soul. And after I limped out of bed this morning, after he took the kid to daycare (I wasn't in a state to be seen, frankly) my husband and I had the Conversation.
It went - well. I recognized, then and now, that my higher mind and the cards and the logical path all points in one direction. There's a dishonor element to working for Amazon, but I can think of ways to choke it down and make progress towards a better life despite goddamn Amazon paying my salary for now. It's my animal self which was--without a lick of exaggeration--traumatized by my last contract that is screaming and scrabbling for escape. So to make the despair and exhaustion and escape fantasies stop, I went over some extremely specific requests about how to handle my new schedule - I'll be moving my desk back in to bub's room for my office (as I can close the door for better focus there), I'll be draping the screens with silk (after turning off the machines for the evening), I will be decorating the area with posters and pictures and frankly protective signs. (I need to ask Violet what the name of her image is!) Mike is willing to drop Grayson off in the morning so that I can get started earlier, and therefore end my workday sooner. Refreshing my memory on my Japanese skills isn't such a bad thing - I found studying Japanese very relaxing for 15 years of my life, and this could be an opportunity to tap into that one last time. I'll be taking a walk every single day for an hour. And I'll be getting a gym membership, to attend a few evenings a week.
And on THAT note, hallelujah, praise the gods, the mask mandate for my state is LIFTED!! I can go into the gym without a reservation and without a mask! The cute little coffee shop that's in walking distance has put its tables out! And you can sit there - without a mask!! I have actual options to increase my mental health now!!! :D And the house is free of awful extended relatives and all cats (RIP Zoot), so it will be more possible to relax and focus in it.
So, basically, this isn't the same situation as I was in a few months ago - I have actual options to help keep myself sane. And... after we talked... Mike held me in his arms and convinced me that he's on board with our plans. That he wants this baby too, and is fine with me leaving the tech industry for good after this final contract - that he wants more than anything else for me to be happy. And then made love to me <3 Which, y'know, really works as a technique for informing the animal self how thing are! I still drove around in a bit of a haze afterwards, and went to a McMenamins as a bit of a pilgrimage (it was fine, a nice place, wish I could have had a beer) but the trend is unmistakable. I should be able to do this. I think I can. I believe I can.
It's so much fun trying to fit 6 months of healing into 6 days wheeeee YEAH. Talk about lumps of karma! :/
Anyway, back to the divination part of this - the situation card was the Queen of Spades, with an unsheathed sword. I think she represents executing a strategy that requires blood to be shed - i.e., pain. I also drew her the day I finally quit the co-working agency. It was necessary, but like executing a part of myself. Today, too, is like that.
And for the 8 of Diamonds - our friend Cory came over tonight! :) I had just enough energy left over after doing a ritual to cook him and my husband a nice dinner - they LOVED it, both of them, and it provided me some comfort to see them enjoying it like that. So - thank goodness for that.
Let's get the divination done for tomorrow, the day I have to stagger my way through the contracting agency's stupidly detailed and insulting background check. Oh - and put together my curriculum at the library, and buy the fabric for my Druid robe!
Me: 8 of Spades (Justice) REVERSED - NO Reason, Fairness
Situation: 5 of Spades REVERSED - NO disappointment, difficult opponent
Outcome: 6 of Hearts (The Lovers) - Love, Beauty, Union
Huh... I looked up common interpretations of that first card and got "feelings that someone else is being unfair, unreasonable." Well - that's going to be me finishing up the fucking background check, that's for sure! But the other cards are quite good - there won't be an opponent for the rest of the day, and the outcome looks like extreme harmony. I certainly hope so - fingers crossed.
I knew that I wouldn't do it - I have better control of my will than that. (And, note the extremely on-point "Me" card from yesterday.) But I ran with the fantasy for a bit, to properly exorcise it from my soul. And after I limped out of bed this morning, after he took the kid to daycare (I wasn't in a state to be seen, frankly) my husband and I had the Conversation.
It went - well. I recognized, then and now, that my higher mind and the cards and the logical path all points in one direction. There's a dishonor element to working for Amazon, but I can think of ways to choke it down and make progress towards a better life despite goddamn Amazon paying my salary for now. It's my animal self which was--without a lick of exaggeration--traumatized by my last contract that is screaming and scrabbling for escape. So to make the despair and exhaustion and escape fantasies stop, I went over some extremely specific requests about how to handle my new schedule - I'll be moving my desk back in to bub's room for my office (as I can close the door for better focus there), I'll be draping the screens with silk (after turning off the machines for the evening), I will be decorating the area with posters and pictures and frankly protective signs. (I need to ask Violet what the name of her image is!) Mike is willing to drop Grayson off in the morning so that I can get started earlier, and therefore end my workday sooner. Refreshing my memory on my Japanese skills isn't such a bad thing - I found studying Japanese very relaxing for 15 years of my life, and this could be an opportunity to tap into that one last time. I'll be taking a walk every single day for an hour. And I'll be getting a gym membership, to attend a few evenings a week.
And on THAT note, hallelujah, praise the gods, the mask mandate for my state is LIFTED!! I can go into the gym without a reservation and without a mask! The cute little coffee shop that's in walking distance has put its tables out! And you can sit there - without a mask!! I have actual options to increase my mental health now!!! :D And the house is free of awful extended relatives and all cats (RIP Zoot), so it will be more possible to relax and focus in it.
So, basically, this isn't the same situation as I was in a few months ago - I have actual options to help keep myself sane. And... after we talked... Mike held me in his arms and convinced me that he's on board with our plans. That he wants this baby too, and is fine with me leaving the tech industry for good after this final contract - that he wants more than anything else for me to be happy. And then made love to me <3 Which, y'know, really works as a technique for informing the animal self how thing are! I still drove around in a bit of a haze afterwards, and went to a McMenamins as a bit of a pilgrimage (it was fine, a nice place, wish I could have had a beer) but the trend is unmistakable. I should be able to do this. I think I can. I believe I can.
It's so much fun trying to fit 6 months of healing into 6 days wheeeee YEAH. Talk about lumps of karma! :/
Anyway, back to the divination part of this - the situation card was the Queen of Spades, with an unsheathed sword. I think she represents executing a strategy that requires blood to be shed - i.e., pain. I also drew her the day I finally quit the co-working agency. It was necessary, but like executing a part of myself. Today, too, is like that.
And for the 8 of Diamonds - our friend Cory came over tonight! :) I had just enough energy left over after doing a ritual to cook him and my husband a nice dinner - they LOVED it, both of them, and it provided me some comfort to see them enjoying it like that. So - thank goodness for that.
Let's get the divination done for tomorrow, the day I have to stagger my way through the contracting agency's stupidly detailed and insulting background check. Oh - and put together my curriculum at the library, and buy the fabric for my Druid robe!
Me: 8 of Spades (Justice) REVERSED - NO Reason, Fairness
Situation: 5 of Spades REVERSED - NO disappointment, difficult opponent
Outcome: 6 of Hearts (The Lovers) - Love, Beauty, Union
Huh... I looked up common interpretations of that first card and got "feelings that someone else is being unfair, unreasonable." Well - that's going to be me finishing up the fucking background check, that's for sure! But the other cards are quite good - there won't be an opponent for the rest of the day, and the outcome looks like extreme harmony. I certainly hope so - fingers crossed.