So... it's done.

I wrote a letter and pushed it under my dad's door. We are moving out next month.

I think it was actually a kind letter - a reasonable one. I have gone through most of my harsher emotions, and now, I am mostly just ready to move on.

1/4 of our income comes in to just over $1400. That's a reasonable rental amount, IMO. And there are places in Beaverton that are 2 bedrooms for that amount! Some next to the library, even! :)

It's an extra financial risk in a time when that is pretty scary. But...

We had a "conversation" this evening. In which my father revealed that he didn't even view Trump voters - something like 43% of Americans - as human being anymore. And in which he thought a vaccine passport was a GREAT idea which couldn't POSSIBLY have any downsides. And the moment I made a skeptical noise about getting the vaccine immediately on May 1 - not even a no! Just a skeptical noise!! - he told me that I deserved isolation. So, you know, effectively telling me to burn in Hell.

Ah, well. So it goes. It is what it is.

My father will die alone, but he'll have his belief that he was Always Right to keep him warm as he does.

I wasn't really ready to do this huge project right now. But, it really does need to happen. And - I have recognized that I should have done this months ago. I, too, was pushed by all the numbers and the hysteria to do something other than what was best for me and my family. I, too, was cowardly.

And... I think... I have finally started to grieve. For my family of origin, who I am needing to make a full break from right now, for my sanity and safety. And despite all I will gain - there is a lot I will lose.

My son will not be able to hang out in my dad's garden, watching the flowers bloom, and tasting the yummy fruit from the trees ever again.

Those potatoes I planted are probably getting plowed under in T-3 seconds. Ah well. This is just how the first failure goes, I guess.

My son literally will not have a bed anymore - we borrowed it from Dad. He'll have to sleep on a pile of blankets for a bit until we figure that out.

We will no longer have access to the tape player, which I had been enjoying greatly. I wonder if Dad would let me take the tapes...? Eh, he might. But we'll need to buy a new tape player.

I wanted to teach my son to play piano. He will now never learn to play piano.

If I really am going to delay getting the vaccine - which would be my preference, at least until I have my second child and no longer feel any concern about infertility issues which might be caused - I will probably have to say goodbye to most of the community I already made. My father's reaction has made that clear enough.

I wonder if Grayson will ever hang out with Alex across the street again? Now that the official word is "children can't play together without masks on." Ah well, I don't think they liked each other very much anyway. I will miss Dan and Miriam though.

If Cory is genuinely uncomfortable, I can move to a phone-only relationship with him. I think he will probably be OK though. But, I want to make space for him to be uncomfortable if that's how he truly feels.

I don't think I can ever call Ericka or Sharon again. That's hard.

I'll wish Ericka a happy Ericka day on 4/15... I want to do that much. And... I doubt she'll respond. And that will be the end. It was a beautiful, beautiful friendship and I will miss her very much.

I might be able to call Sharon actually - we will never meet in person ever again, almost certainly, and she is calmer about such things. And I want to let her tell me her birth story! :) Yes, I should reach out to Sharon very soon! That's a bright spot! :)

As for Rachel and Kelly... we won't be visiting any time soon, or perhaps ever. Same for Tisha and Bradford. But it might be time for me to gracefully withdraw from the Discord, so that there are no potential friendship-ending questions. I will ask Cory about deleting my personal chat window over the next few weeks.

It's for the best - social media is not good for me, or for any human being, frankly.

I don't have to make my final choice, though, until May 1. That's my time limit. I need to be out and independently living (with Mike and Grayson) by then. And... I can decide at that time.

Thankfully, Mike has accepted that we will not be living with Marte or Bryan either going forward (no more family!!). I will let them know when I have a chance, no need to make a special phone call for that. So that means... they don't need to know, either.

Mike will certainly get the vaccine. So there's that.

I am worried about Grayson's daycare. I don't want him to have to get a vaccine - there's no WAY those things are safe for little kids yet. But, I also don't want him to have to go to a place where the kids specifically aren't vaccinated for things, y'know? I guess all I can do is hope that we have a little more time for him. Because... seriously, there's no WAY those shots are safe for little kids yet.

I suppose this will be the end, then, of our old friends ever hanging out with him again. Because he won't be vaccinated. Like, at least NOT RIGHT NOW, sheesh.

...it really is the end of an era. The end of a world, even.

My best bet, going forward, will be to keep a smile on my face and never, ever, ever, ever talk about it in any capacity with anyone if I can possibly avoid it. If this final conversation with my father has FINALLY hammered in that lesson... he'll have done me one last kindness in this world.

To know, to will, to dare, and to stay silent.