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 Well, the cards predicted a rough day, and it was a bit of a rough day. 

Me: Yes, I faced a tough opponent today... my own father. My favorite parent, once upon a time. We had the conversation at a bench next to the farmer's market where we both shop on Saturday. I had prepared a financial report of sorts for my dad, and also made sure to emphasize that we weren't making this choice (to move out) out of anger, but that given the situation, this was the best choice for our family. 

It went... about as well as I could have hoped for, I guess. He admitted that the finances were sound, and that this was possible for us. But he very quickly recognized that he looked rather bad in this scenario, and so spent most of the conversation after the initial part lecturing me on how I hadn't solved the "actual" problem (how to keep myself perfectly protected from Delta, I guess) and that clearly my brain was too addled from pregnancy to think straight, and why didn't I just go to the local pregnancy center (the anti-abortion one) and ask THEM what vaccine to take, if finding an obstetrician to talk to was going to take longer than a weekend?? Yeah... I can't imagine why that possibly might not solve my problem. 

Because I wanted there to be some hope of family reconciliation in the future, I just nodded along and kept insisting that I was just too tired to handle anything else right now, things came at me too fast this week, and that I needed to think about the medium and long term as well as the short one. That COVID would eventually go away but the rent payments were unlikely to. He insisted loudly that he wasn't evicting me, that we could always come and move back in at any time for any reason, and I thanked him sincerely for that. I will hold him to it, should it be needed. Really what was going on there though was that he didn't want to be wrong, so, I let him be not-wrong. He ranted a bit about how if I didn't make it through the short term, no other term mattered! At this point I raised my voice slightly and informed him I am an adult and I will make my own choices. He backed down with a few parting shots I did not respond to, and we went to take a look at some recent art installations nearby. The conversation was finished. I believe our relationship is unchanged, that we both still love each other, and the vast majority of my thoughts on the matter will go forever unsaid. Victory - with mud all over my face. But, no clean wins were ever really possible. 

He is right in one way, though - one way which he will never actually know about. I've waited too long to source ivermectin. Really... I've been reading about it for months... I should have known better. I need to order that ASAP, and have it delivered--to our new apartment I guess. The site I found will take about 3 to 4 weeks to deliver. Fingers crossed it arrives before anyone I know is in danger. 

Anyway I was a bit down the rest of the day, with a lot of quiet ranting to myself, saying all the words I held back in the moment so that they didn't curdle inside too much. I also unburdened myself deeply to my husband at one point about matters I've written about here before. That would be the Situation card. 

Outcome: I think the main quotation from yesterday was entirely correct - I did lose something big and painful. I recognized after the conversation that I don't really want to leave this house, and its garden, and my dad's fix-it side I had hoped to learn so much more from... but there's no other choice now. Our new apartment is beautiful, the location is ideal and I know that the moment I actually move in there I will weep with joy and relief. But the dream of multi-generational housing that was working pretty OK... that's gone. And it hurts to lose it. I wanted us to be stronger together - for us all to pull together against the crazy age, and to fight all dangers at each other's side. But my dad is too afraid. 

Being separate, though, will allow me and my family to reach out - finally - to a wider community, without having to tip-toe around these fears and restrictions. It will allow me to purchase a generator and extra fridge ASAP without trying to explain endlessly to my dad why these things are really good to have right now. It will allow me to pile every last shelf high with non-perishable food, without asking any permission. It will allow me to eliminate sugary crap and creepy chemicals from ever being in our presence. So... I can still keep moving forward.

So tired... time to divinate. 

Me: King of Clubs (The Magician)

Situation: 9 of Clubs (The Sun)

Outcome: 6 of Spades REVERSED

Too tired to speculate, will look this up tomorrow, good night. 

Not too much needs to be said - it went exactly as the divination said. Amazon called at 8 AM to offer me the position. I accepted it, feeling like I just stabbed myself. I sent in the first round of paperwork and collapsed in an adrenal fatigue for several hours. 

I did get up off my ass later in the day and did a ritual, filled out the form for one last week of unemployment, picked up my son from daycare and cooked dinner. So it wasn't a complete wash of a day. 

I've had a bigger lump of feelings to choke down this time around compared to the last several contracts... to the point of surprising me a bit, so I've been trying to sort through them. 

I have a strong feeling of having been "caught out" - of having been ruthlessly manipulated by Amazon to go back on their schedule, and not on mine. This suggests that I need to step up my game in banishing spells. At least, I think I will be adding the Earth element to the SOP a bit earlier than I'd thought - I think my Fire aspect will develop more clearly if it is balanced. Also, I fully intend to drape the screens with silk when I'm not working on them to block their energy, and will look into other protective symbols and amulets to keep around me, both physically and digitally...

I don't want to lose the progress towards a different life that I began this year - a more balanced, cheaper, higher-skilled, and less wasteful lifestyle. I think, though, that if I continue to pursue the First Degree in AODA in a structured manner, that I can keep the progress I've made, and keep it up, even if it isn't as fast. This might be optimistic, but - maybe having more structure in my day overall will even help it along. I'll roll with what the cards have told me - it's as good a plan as anything else in this crazy-ass world right now. 

It has to be admitted here, as I have observed his contrastingly ebullient mood these past few days, that my husband is infinitely more relaxed when I am also working, even when we have enough money for me not to. And normally, I wouldn't begrudge him that - I mean, I prefer to work! I prefer to be doing something useful and helping other people. Sitting around on my ass is basically what I did this past year while incongruously also earning money. Gods willing, never again. And enough money to have options is a fantastic thing, no question. And I am healed (at least enough anyway) from the dungeon tortures of the last position, and have taken the opportunity to vigorously strap an oxygen mask on my face to face the rest of the age with. 

But... I really, really don't want to be raising an infant and a toddler full-time about a year from now while also dealing with his anxiety. I need to find some (nice, sensitive, polite!) way to talk to him about raising his courage and emotionally accepting that there are times when one of us has to carry the other, without a clear timeline or any promise of anything waiting at the end, and we need to both be OK with that. (Especially since I carried him financially, and our whole family, for a straight year, through a pandemic, with a job that nearly gave me a mental illness. Honest feeling here - come on!) In short... I'm going to have to ask him to work through his financial anxiety. Whee. What fun. 

It can only help to have a serious chonk of cash in the bank to point at in this conversation - and though we have the most savings we've EVER had (though not a fraction of enough to buy a house lololol America is dying :D), I plan to nearly double it with this contract. But the amount of money isn't the root of the problem, so it's only a stop-gap to do so. Mike wants safety, desperately, no matter how much he claims otherwise when I ask him. I love this man, he's a wonderful father and partner and lover, and if this is the worst issue of our relationship I am fucking blessed. But in this ridiculous era of collapsing everything, safety is the one thing I can never, ever, ever give him - no matter what I do, no matter what I choose, and no matter what I sacrifice. I need him to sit with that, and I need him to be OKAY with that. Period. We're going to need to have a Conversation about that... not immediately, but before the baby is conceived would be better. 

At the same time, now that I think about it, once the baby is born - though that will be the tightest, most challenging time for us as a family - I have no more ambitions, at least in the "expand the family" category. I'm not going to have another one, unless there's a big surprise. In that way, things will get a lot easier.

Housing ownership is dead, so that's a whole mortgage we're not going to have to deal with, which is another huge relief. I expect public housing to be the going thing by the time we are old, because I literally don't see what other options the country has at this point - if that isn't what happens, it'll be an RV retirement I suppose. Heck, maybe we can park ours in a circle with others in a field somewhere, garden behind it,  and form a village that way? :)

And I am done, I mean I am DONE, with paying money to "keep up with the Joneses." I will expect my children to be educated--by which I mean reading/writing/rithmetik--and if we can't find or afford a school that can get that done, I will teach them myself. College had better prove, PROVE, that it is value for the money spent. Whether they go or not, after that, it will be up to them. If I can't demonstrate to them successfully the value of clear thinking and being able to research things, then they'll learn things the hard way. 

So aside from this baby, whose life I will never compromise on, I've stepped back from most of the overwhelming costs of an American life - add to this my project to learn how to cook and garden, the likelihood of white-collar jobs being remote for a few years yet (save on transit costs), no longer being young and cute and thus not having to "perform" femininity at expense, my new faith giving me some options to join a religious community, and my extreme disillusionment with politics also opening up new paths to community as well. And for at least the next 30 years or so, I'm pretty sure we'll have free housing at the snap of a finger with our parents, as a fall-back. I hate the locations, but I have managed to swallow my hatred before, and I could do it again. 

In short, I will stop poking my poor husband quite as hard on this soon enough. We'll soon stop adding burdens to our lives, and after a hectic next few years, should actually be able to start winding them down. Maybe if I put it that way... it might help. 

Anyway, I'd better get on with the divination, so that I can go to bed. Absolutely exhausting day. 

Me: Ace of Clubs (Strength) - Overcoming Desire, Building Trust, Courage

Situation: Queen of Spades - Strategy, Intelligence, Ambition

Outcome: 8 of Diamonds - Comfort achieved through hard work and persistence

My cards are still trying to comfort me... I appreciate it. The narrative here, is that I will be strong, I will overcome my desire to run away to the hills from the situation I got myself into, and I will have courage for the future. The Queen of Swords has a naked blade - I'll spend some time strategizing without mercy to myself or others tomorrow. And at the end of it, if I work hard, I will feel much better than I do right now. Fingers crossed all of that is true. 

 Let's see if I can get this quickly...

I think all in all I was a pretty decent model of Temperance today - I never raised my voice at Grayson, and we had a very nice day together. There was a moment when he dropped the tickets, and another moment when he didn't want to ride the carousel horse, but we dealt with both of those pretty well I think :) I'd say that Skill was operative too - the situation required it - but I managed to bring enough supplies that we didn't have to buy anything at the zoo except parking. Hooray! 

The Hermit card (self-sacrifice) seems to have been referring to us paying, for the THIRD time, off our final government debt from 2019. I delivered the paper check to the bank myself. The process is ridiculous and I feel the sacrifice of the money in our bank account. But I just want it DONE. I sure hope this does the trick. 

Onto the divination:

Me: 3 of Spades REVERSED - NOT moving beyond sorrow, understanding one's own feelings

Situation: 7 of Hearts - Secrets, Imagination, New Feelings

Outcome: 8 of Clubs REVERSED - no repetitive motion to build up stability

Hmm... gonna be a hectic day tomorrow. Not gonna concretely understand what I feel, gonna encounter something that stimulates my imagination (probably?), not going to build up stability. Not going to get the job I'm interviewing for at 8:30, LOL!! But... so long as Grayson gets to ride some trains and be happy all will be well in the end :)