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5 of Hearts.
4 May 2021 08:04Five vases - that is, cups with heart signs on them, interestingly enough upside down - are on three tiers of shelves. Three of them have tipped over, spilling white water in puddles on said shelves. Some puddles drip down to a lower shelf. Two of the vases still stand, and in them sprout bouquets of diamond coin flowers. Ah, but wait - these actually aren't quite diamond coins, they just look like them! In any case, two vases stand, three vases have fallen and spilled. The effect is that one wants to reach for a towel. But also... there's a bit of bravery in the flowers that remain. A hopefulness, perhaps? That it might not happen to them?
The pamphlet reads "Learning from Mistakes" and "Moving Forward."
Well... I could use a bit of this in my life. I arguably made more than a few mistakes this past year or two. Moving to Portland, for one, was probably a mistake (though we're in a better financial situation than we would have been otherwise) and taking/keeping my job was possibly also a mistake (again, finances are better than they would have been otherwise, but I swear to god I swapped some portion of my lifespan for that...). I don't really want to repeat these mistakes - I want to do something different, something smarter - but I'm fishing about for what that is, exactly.
There's still pressure for me to get the vaccine, as well. Pressure from my mother-in-law, pressure from my father. My husband is getting it, which is fine, but if he should have any reaction whatsoever - we aren't covered by health insurance right now. I'm wrestling with whether I should ask him to wait for the vaccine, at least until we are covered (not until June 1). I don't really want to open up this can of worms, but our friends have had bad enough reactions... I think it is my responsibility to mention it, at least.
I just am not comfortable with taking this vaccine, given my concerns about fertility, and the short length of time it's been out there. I am aware there are risks from COVID too, but frankly, I feel that there's a decent chance that I have enough immunity/strength to skate by even if I catch it. Even if it's one of the "variants" (and there's pretty much no data out there which I trust on THAT). Whereas, if I choose to sit down and get jabbed, I'm going to take whatever reaction is coming to me in the teeth. No escape. Like shooting oneself in the foot. And to be clear, I think my body is strong enough to handle it without too much fuss, but if it takes away the ability of my second child to be born...
It shouldn't matter - but of course it does - just how amazingly heavy-handed the state is being about this, as well. Given the real concerns that anyone can work their mind through about the level of testing, the cost of any vaccine reaction (not covered by the government), the inability to sue the companies that made it under any circumstance, and the trickling reports that it doesn't actually protect people as well as claimed - in fact, it might even increase harmful mutations, though I don't think that's settled science either - the VACCINATE VACCINATE VACCINATE drumbeat isn't just insulting, but actually scary.
And I think the moment the term "vaccine passport" became something that governments were actually considering, I was 100% over it. It's a curse to be able to see the fascism coming - a curse, to watch it roll its way slowly over the landscape, like a cloud over a valley, and to watch your friends and family run towards it with joy, screaming "Heil! Heil!!"
For all that, I am not an anti-vaxxer. I refuse - REFUSE - to give up my right to have a nuanced opinion. If reports of extreme adverse vaccine reactions etc. fade slowly over the course of the rest of the year, and if there are no reported instances of infertility out of Israel by the early part of next year, and if COVID increases its rate of death/disability among the young, then I will get a vaccine. Also, I think there are vaccines coming out eventually that are not mRNA, which is good as well. (Hopefully they will have been more thoroughly tested.)
But... in this part of the world... this opinion will make me lonely. At a time, more so than any other in my life so far, when loneliness is dangerous...
On one hand, this could encourage me to look into moving elsewhere in a few years. And god help me, if the left-leaning people of the PNW continue to be this rabidly idiotic and proto-fascist--I may actually follow through on that. It could even keep my family safer... the backlash, when it finally comes, is going to be **terrifying**, and I'd rather not be in the literal line of fire...
On the other, I've realized that being a bit lonely is just something I'm going to have to accept for now. Eventually my family will stop bugging me. They really have nothing to clap back with about my timeline (no one does). I can take the opportunity to cook more... and to deepen my spirituality. I can still make progress on something, at least.
I'd be willing to stay out of restaurants (McMenamins) entirely for a month while Mike waits on his vaccine, if I can get him to agree to that. It's worth it, to potentially save our finances. We'll see what he says. Deep breath.
The pamphlet reads "Learning from Mistakes" and "Moving Forward."
Well... I could use a bit of this in my life. I arguably made more than a few mistakes this past year or two. Moving to Portland, for one, was probably a mistake (though we're in a better financial situation than we would have been otherwise) and taking/keeping my job was possibly also a mistake (again, finances are better than they would have been otherwise, but I swear to god I swapped some portion of my lifespan for that...). I don't really want to repeat these mistakes - I want to do something different, something smarter - but I'm fishing about for what that is, exactly.
There's still pressure for me to get the vaccine, as well. Pressure from my mother-in-law, pressure from my father. My husband is getting it, which is fine, but if he should have any reaction whatsoever - we aren't covered by health insurance right now. I'm wrestling with whether I should ask him to wait for the vaccine, at least until we are covered (not until June 1). I don't really want to open up this can of worms, but our friends have had bad enough reactions... I think it is my responsibility to mention it, at least.
I just am not comfortable with taking this vaccine, given my concerns about fertility, and the short length of time it's been out there. I am aware there are risks from COVID too, but frankly, I feel that there's a decent chance that I have enough immunity/strength to skate by even if I catch it. Even if it's one of the "variants" (and there's pretty much no data out there which I trust on THAT). Whereas, if I choose to sit down and get jabbed, I'm going to take whatever reaction is coming to me in the teeth. No escape. Like shooting oneself in the foot. And to be clear, I think my body is strong enough to handle it without too much fuss, but if it takes away the ability of my second child to be born...
It shouldn't matter - but of course it does - just how amazingly heavy-handed the state is being about this, as well. Given the real concerns that anyone can work their mind through about the level of testing, the cost of any vaccine reaction (not covered by the government), the inability to sue the companies that made it under any circumstance, and the trickling reports that it doesn't actually protect people as well as claimed - in fact, it might even increase harmful mutations, though I don't think that's settled science either - the VACCINATE VACCINATE VACCINATE drumbeat isn't just insulting, but actually scary.
And I think the moment the term "vaccine passport" became something that governments were actually considering, I was 100% over it. It's a curse to be able to see the fascism coming - a curse, to watch it roll its way slowly over the landscape, like a cloud over a valley, and to watch your friends and family run towards it with joy, screaming "Heil! Heil!!"
For all that, I am not an anti-vaxxer. I refuse - REFUSE - to give up my right to have a nuanced opinion. If reports of extreme adverse vaccine reactions etc. fade slowly over the course of the rest of the year, and if there are no reported instances of infertility out of Israel by the early part of next year, and if COVID increases its rate of death/disability among the young, then I will get a vaccine. Also, I think there are vaccines coming out eventually that are not mRNA, which is good as well. (Hopefully they will have been more thoroughly tested.)
But... in this part of the world... this opinion will make me lonely. At a time, more so than any other in my life so far, when loneliness is dangerous...
On one hand, this could encourage me to look into moving elsewhere in a few years. And god help me, if the left-leaning people of the PNW continue to be this rabidly idiotic and proto-fascist--I may actually follow through on that. It could even keep my family safer... the backlash, when it finally comes, is going to be **terrifying**, and I'd rather not be in the literal line of fire...
On the other, I've realized that being a bit lonely is just something I'm going to have to accept for now. Eventually my family will stop bugging me. They really have nothing to clap back with about my timeline (no one does). I can take the opportunity to cook more... and to deepen my spirituality. I can still make progress on something, at least.
I'd be willing to stay out of restaurants (McMenamins) entirely for a month while Mike waits on his vaccine, if I can get him to agree to that. It's worth it, to potentially save our finances. We'll see what he says. Deep breath.