![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Daily div.
12 July 2021 17:48 I was so overjoyed by the turn of events yesterday, that I kind of skimmed over my dreadful reading for the next day. Well... it was accurate. Unfortunately.
I had another interview for the position in question first thing this morning, and it was very successful - sigh. Afterwards I went out and took a very long walk, did some shopping, signed up for a gym membership, and had a rather long and thoughtful talk with the local gentleman who putters about our sidewalk-less roads in a wheelchair, who has survived AIDS for over 30 years, about why everyone seems so weird right now. My thoughts: "Our society isn't used to periods of intense suffering. People haven't quite figured out exactly what happened to them last year..." His thoughts were that COVID was an opportunity for people to turn to love over fear. He's writing his memoirs and it's clear that's how he wants to wrap them up. Boy, I hope he's right...
It wrapped up with me admitting I was still unvaccinated, because I am worried about infertility side effects from the current crop of vaccines. Though also adding, the vaccines have been good things for many people, of course himself (very high risk and vaccinated long ago) included. He told me I was brave and an inspiration - that was very kind of him, he is an extremely kind man, and I thanked him for it, but I do not feel so brave today. Mostly just tired, and wrung out like a dry sponge.
I know all this isn't even a ten-thousandth as intense as what happened in Europe in the '30s and '40s, but it feels like I've been getting a tiny taste of the same dish. I understand why the Germans mostly just saluted Hitler and looked the other way while their Jewish neighbors were burned in ovens, now. I understand why almost no one made a different choice. It's like lighting yourself on fire! If I wasn't doing this for my own child, I'm not even sure I could resist as much as I have... How simplistic our school lessons about the Holocaust were! The horror is undeniable, but I see now that no one really understands anything about that period in history until they get a glimpse not only into the minds of the perpetrators, but also those who stood by and did nothing whatsoever to stop it.
My grandmother became an Allied nurse in southern Germany right after the war ended, and she was always telling me how much she hated the Nazis - and in the same breath, insisting on what good people the Germans were, how terribly they suffered. While she was there, she employed several of the local people in her home and patronized literal starving artists - we have a magnificent portrait, museum-quality, of her in the hallway that I know wasn't her style but was no doubt ordered out of sympathy with a man who had no other way to feed his family. I wondered after I became an adult if my grandma was splitting hairs a bit - no doubt the immense post-war suffering of the German people was earned karmically, after all. Maybe so, maybe not, but I now understand she was an incredibly kind and empathetic woman, which didn't always come across to me through her stern demeanor. When we finally, as a society, pass through all of this... I will do my best to emulate her.
After that, I did a ritual in which I was able once again to communicate well with my body. It was pretty unambiguous in its message for me - "Take care of me first, THEN have that baby." Indeed! Message received. I'll start visiting the gym properly tomorrow.
And after that, and after finding out there is yet another interview they wanted to schedule for Wednesday... I continued to feel completely exhausted and worn out and stressed. It occurred to me that if this is my general mood over the next several months, I'm just going to miscarry any child I conceive! So, after discussing it with Mike one final time, I decided to rip the band-aid off. I emailed the HR person directly and told her that I was currently unvaccinated, that I was waiting until 2022 or the Novavax, whichever came first, and that it was due to concerns about infertility, as we want to have another child in the next few years. I offered to comply with any necessary requirements (masks, etc) to keep others in the office feeling safe, but if this was disqualifying for the position, I want to have it be known now before we go any further. Right before sending, I said a small prayer to the egregore of Avery Denison as I did so - perhaps really a small prayer to my former self, my former values - thanking it for giving me a pleasant interview experience, accepting whatever the outcome would be, and hoping that everything would work out in the best possible way for all.
I have no idea whether I'll even get a reply, lol. This could very well be a surprisingly abrupt end to what would have been a 4 (!!) interview cycle. But complete silence would definitely be better than a long, awkward, "well we can't technically fire you for it but......." so I hope at least I can avoid that.
My father will be incredibly disappointed if I don't land this job, and I honestly don't know what I will tell him. I wish I had never told him anything about it whatsoever. I am going to try to move my desk into my room this week so that he can't oversee anything I'm working on, and I'll try to conduct business with the "...to be silent!" maxim first and foremost going forward.
I slightly regret torpedoing Avery Denison - a few short years ago everyone I talked with there would have been "my people", and it would have enabled us to stay in the PMC a bit longer, though not to afford a home or anything like that lol (and their fancy salary healthcare plan ended up being no better than our current poverty plan through the government, sheesh!) - and if they have a more positive response than I am expecting I am still open to working there - but at this point, I would also be relieved never to hear anything back from them ever again. Every part of this experience has been a forced look through the lens of "how the other half live" - how I imagine non-PMC often feel when forced to be at the mercy of PMC. Or, you know... darker analogues. I feel like I burned yet another chunk of karma through this whole mess, but of course, these experiences always SUCK.
I'm not going to do one single thing related to the job hunt tomorrow whatsoever. I'm going to work out, and sew, and recover. That's IT.
In short, I was the Chariot, because I had a breakthrough on how to finally settle and wrap up the wretched situation; the situation was the Queen of Swords with her pointy karma delivery device; and for the outcome, I took on the responsibility (10 of Clubs) of laying it all out on the table, and accepted the consequences thereof. Pat and dry.
Divination for my (oh gods please) quiet day tomorrow...
Me: Ace of Spades - Focus, Clarity
Situation: Jack of Diamonds - Fascination, Wonder, Scholarship
Outcome: 10 of Clubs REVERSED - "Reversed, in the Outcome position, this card advises the Seeker to give up her burdens, put down the weight she has been carrying and accept her own limitations. She's been trying to do too much, carrying too heavy a load, and she needs to be realistic about what she, alone, can accomplish."
Signs are good for the quiet day I'm coveting tomorrow... sounds like I will be able to focus on my sewing, and watch a bunch of episodes on the library DVD about English cathedrals. And, hopefully, one way or another... this situation can resolve. Fingers crossed.
I had another interview for the position in question first thing this morning, and it was very successful - sigh. Afterwards I went out and took a very long walk, did some shopping, signed up for a gym membership, and had a rather long and thoughtful talk with the local gentleman who putters about our sidewalk-less roads in a wheelchair, who has survived AIDS for over 30 years, about why everyone seems so weird right now. My thoughts: "Our society isn't used to periods of intense suffering. People haven't quite figured out exactly what happened to them last year..." His thoughts were that COVID was an opportunity for people to turn to love over fear. He's writing his memoirs and it's clear that's how he wants to wrap them up. Boy, I hope he's right...
It wrapped up with me admitting I was still unvaccinated, because I am worried about infertility side effects from the current crop of vaccines. Though also adding, the vaccines have been good things for many people, of course himself (very high risk and vaccinated long ago) included. He told me I was brave and an inspiration - that was very kind of him, he is an extremely kind man, and I thanked him for it, but I do not feel so brave today. Mostly just tired, and wrung out like a dry sponge.
I know all this isn't even a ten-thousandth as intense as what happened in Europe in the '30s and '40s, but it feels like I've been getting a tiny taste of the same dish. I understand why the Germans mostly just saluted Hitler and looked the other way while their Jewish neighbors were burned in ovens, now. I understand why almost no one made a different choice. It's like lighting yourself on fire! If I wasn't doing this for my own child, I'm not even sure I could resist as much as I have... How simplistic our school lessons about the Holocaust were! The horror is undeniable, but I see now that no one really understands anything about that period in history until they get a glimpse not only into the minds of the perpetrators, but also those who stood by and did nothing whatsoever to stop it.
My grandmother became an Allied nurse in southern Germany right after the war ended, and she was always telling me how much she hated the Nazis - and in the same breath, insisting on what good people the Germans were, how terribly they suffered. While she was there, she employed several of the local people in her home and patronized literal starving artists - we have a magnificent portrait, museum-quality, of her in the hallway that I know wasn't her style but was no doubt ordered out of sympathy with a man who had no other way to feed his family. I wondered after I became an adult if my grandma was splitting hairs a bit - no doubt the immense post-war suffering of the German people was earned karmically, after all. Maybe so, maybe not, but I now understand she was an incredibly kind and empathetic woman, which didn't always come across to me through her stern demeanor. When we finally, as a society, pass through all of this... I will do my best to emulate her.
After that, I did a ritual in which I was able once again to communicate well with my body. It was pretty unambiguous in its message for me - "Take care of me first, THEN have that baby." Indeed! Message received. I'll start visiting the gym properly tomorrow.
And after that, and after finding out there is yet another interview they wanted to schedule for Wednesday... I continued to feel completely exhausted and worn out and stressed. It occurred to me that if this is my general mood over the next several months, I'm just going to miscarry any child I conceive! So, after discussing it with Mike one final time, I decided to rip the band-aid off. I emailed the HR person directly and told her that I was currently unvaccinated, that I was waiting until 2022 or the Novavax, whichever came first, and that it was due to concerns about infertility, as we want to have another child in the next few years. I offered to comply with any necessary requirements (masks, etc) to keep others in the office feeling safe, but if this was disqualifying for the position, I want to have it be known now before we go any further. Right before sending, I said a small prayer to the egregore of Avery Denison as I did so - perhaps really a small prayer to my former self, my former values - thanking it for giving me a pleasant interview experience, accepting whatever the outcome would be, and hoping that everything would work out in the best possible way for all.
I have no idea whether I'll even get a reply, lol. This could very well be a surprisingly abrupt end to what would have been a 4 (!!) interview cycle. But complete silence would definitely be better than a long, awkward, "well we can't technically fire you for it but......." so I hope at least I can avoid that.
My father will be incredibly disappointed if I don't land this job, and I honestly don't know what I will tell him. I wish I had never told him anything about it whatsoever. I am going to try to move my desk into my room this week so that he can't oversee anything I'm working on, and I'll try to conduct business with the "...to be silent!" maxim first and foremost going forward.
I slightly regret torpedoing Avery Denison - a few short years ago everyone I talked with there would have been "my people", and it would have enabled us to stay in the PMC a bit longer, though not to afford a home or anything like that lol (and their fancy salary healthcare plan ended up being no better than our current poverty plan through the government, sheesh!) - and if they have a more positive response than I am expecting I am still open to working there - but at this point, I would also be relieved never to hear anything back from them ever again. Every part of this experience has been a forced look through the lens of "how the other half live" - how I imagine non-PMC often feel when forced to be at the mercy of PMC. Or, you know... darker analogues. I feel like I burned yet another chunk of karma through this whole mess, but of course, these experiences always SUCK.
I'm not going to do one single thing related to the job hunt tomorrow whatsoever. I'm going to work out, and sew, and recover. That's IT.
In short, I was the Chariot, because I had a breakthrough on how to finally settle and wrap up the wretched situation; the situation was the Queen of Swords with her pointy karma delivery device; and for the outcome, I took on the responsibility (10 of Clubs) of laying it all out on the table, and accepted the consequences thereof. Pat and dry.
Divination for my (oh gods please) quiet day tomorrow...
Me: Ace of Spades - Focus, Clarity
Situation: Jack of Diamonds - Fascination, Wonder, Scholarship
Outcome: 10 of Clubs REVERSED - "Reversed, in the Outcome position, this card advises the Seeker to give up her burdens, put down the weight she has been carrying and accept her own limitations. She's been trying to do too much, carrying too heavy a load, and she needs to be realistic about what she, alone, can accomplish."
Signs are good for the quiet day I'm coveting tomorrow... sounds like I will be able to focus on my sewing, and watch a bunch of episodes on the library DVD about English cathedrals. And, hopefully, one way or another... this situation can resolve. Fingers crossed.