More thoughts.
14 June 2021 10:50![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sh1njuk1In the spirit of the Death card I drew yesterday, I have a few more thoughts about vaccines.
I've been saying to myself for the past month: "I refuse to stop having a nuanced opinion!" And so I do. I want to clarify a few things to myself about my position (and also to all the NSA bots which the word 'vaccine' has summoned. Hello NSA bots!).
I am not afraid of blood clots, spike proteins, etc. I don't LIKE the possibility, but I don't fear it any more than COVID. If it was just a matter of my own health I would probably have gotten the vaccine by now, to be honest. It would be a choice that could bring me closer to my family, share with them the sacrifice/gamble, and bind our fates together. Also - I remain open to evidence. And I will hold myself to my stated timeline. If I look around in 2022, after my child is born, and note that no serious reproductive or other problems have been reported in Israel or elsewhere, I'll probably go ahead and get it. (I'd prefer an inactivated virus vaccine over mRNA for philosophical reasons though - I really, really do not like being a first adapter, for a lot of reasons, including those of personality.)
And it must be said: of all the dark things the Pandora's box of this vaccine may potentially unleash on the world, one of the most likely is that the virus will be stimulated to mutate in a way that makes it more and more dangerous to the unvaccinated as time goes by, while the vaccinated get by OK. If there's actual clear evidence (not completely unbelievable CDC bleatings) that this is starting to happen, I am not going to die on that hill - I will get vaccinated, and get the children vaccinated too. Of course I will do so with the bitter knowledge that my country is as fundamentally evil as Hitler's Germany. The amount of deaths this outcome would precipitate in countries that can't afford pricey deep-chilled mRNA vaccines staggers the mind. All for Pfizer's profits, my pretties, and what's the problem with that?!
But... believing one's country is truly Good as opposed to The Only Choice Circumstances Permit is a luxury in this age, as in truth, it is in every age. Most countries do a better job of convincing their citizens than America is managing right now, but that doesn't change the underlying truth. If this country gets itself into an unbelievably stupid hot war with China - as our current elites actually seem to want to do (??!!??!!!!!) - I will put on my Rosie the Riveter headband and work 12 hours a day for the war effort, just like everyone else. Because if we should lose that war... China will appropriate every piece of fertile land on the West Coast as the spoils, and most of us useless eaters will be lined up next to a shallow trench and dropped into it with one bullet per. Skilled farmers willing to work as serfs/slaves and the most craven of collaborators would be the only ones likely to remain here and stay alive, and I don't think me or my family will fall into either category. A desperate reverse Oregon Trail with even more dysentery and starvation than the original would be our best chance to survive, should we lose that war. This era isn't going to allow any of us such a luxury as "pacifism". So all you NSA bots need not worry about my loyalty, or my patriotism. I'll lick all y 'all's boots with the best of them--right up until the moment when our lack of a real manufacturing economy or a population not healthy enough to fight or our fragile and supply-chain-dependent industrial agriculture or the over-technicalization of our basic functions of societal life (so very hackable, wow!) or the disastrous oil-guzzling nature of our built environment knee-capping our every action decisively tips the balance of the war out of our favor. I'll wait until THEN to run for my goddamn life. Pinky promise!
And people say I throw dark! Well... I do. But none of the events of the last paragraph are impossible per a study of history - they might even be likely. It's truly a blessing that none of us can know the hour/see the future. But I find that I am stronger for looking directly into the darkness, and accepting in advance the sacrifices and moral compromises I may have to make, for the survival of myself and my family. To burn my ethics down to their smoking cores, and be able to recognize exactly which hill I will finally choose to die on.
I had a realization a month or so back, which I've been turning over and over in my mind ever since. I realized that I am the type of person who could (not would.. a very different thing) have hidden Jews in my house in Nazi Germany. Who could have housed escaped slaves in my basement. Who could have done something extremely personally dangerous, which if widely discovered could result in my destruction, and which none of my neighbors would accept or understand, for the sake of an ethical principle alone. I could do this. In the smallest and most ridiculous possible way, refusing the vaccine in my social situation proves the concept. I'm the only person I know intimately who could.
And this realization isn't wonderful - it's horrible. Because I see clearly now, through all this comparably small and silly vaccination pressure, how easily and eagerly humans fold and form themselves to the ethics of the moment, as opposed to the permanent ethics of something Higher. I see the logic of their actions, too, in a way I never could when I was a coddled teenager reading books for hours on end about Big Historical Events. I see now what the writers of WWII were desperately trying to get across to future generations with their pens - that the more morality COUNTS, the more it HURTS. And it can easily - and in fact usually does - end with the person bravely choosing 'simple' morality hanged from a tree by committee, or dragged behind a car, or their families and good name permanently destroyed in front of their eyes. Sometimes all of the above. Most will choose compromise and survival, and perform whatever mental gymnastics are necessary to live with themselves after. History is absolutely unambiguous about that. And I will almost certainly compromise as well - especially if my family's safety is on the line. Martyrdom is not a responsible choice! But... I see too clearly for my own good, I think. I will know. I will always know what deal I struck. What path I chose my life to go down. And I will have to live with it for the rest of my life... and eat the karma for the rest of the existence of my soul.
And on that note... my dad is calling me to do something in the garden. So I will. For all the horrors the future may hold... they aren't here yet. Today, I will dig up some dirt in the rain. And be very, very grateful.
Edited: a few words
I've been saying to myself for the past month: "I refuse to stop having a nuanced opinion!" And so I do. I want to clarify a few things to myself about my position (and also to all the NSA bots which the word 'vaccine' has summoned. Hello NSA bots!).
I am not afraid of blood clots, spike proteins, etc. I don't LIKE the possibility, but I don't fear it any more than COVID. If it was just a matter of my own health I would probably have gotten the vaccine by now, to be honest. It would be a choice that could bring me closer to my family, share with them the sacrifice/gamble, and bind our fates together. Also - I remain open to evidence. And I will hold myself to my stated timeline. If I look around in 2022, after my child is born, and note that no serious reproductive or other problems have been reported in Israel or elsewhere, I'll probably go ahead and get it. (I'd prefer an inactivated virus vaccine over mRNA for philosophical reasons though - I really, really do not like being a first adapter, for a lot of reasons, including those of personality.)
And it must be said: of all the dark things the Pandora's box of this vaccine may potentially unleash on the world, one of the most likely is that the virus will be stimulated to mutate in a way that makes it more and more dangerous to the unvaccinated as time goes by, while the vaccinated get by OK. If there's actual clear evidence (not completely unbelievable CDC bleatings) that this is starting to happen, I am not going to die on that hill - I will get vaccinated, and get the children vaccinated too. Of course I will do so with the bitter knowledge that my country is as fundamentally evil as Hitler's Germany. The amount of deaths this outcome would precipitate in countries that can't afford pricey deep-chilled mRNA vaccines staggers the mind. All for Pfizer's profits, my pretties, and what's the problem with that?!
But... believing one's country is truly Good as opposed to The Only Choice Circumstances Permit is a luxury in this age, as in truth, it is in every age. Most countries do a better job of convincing their citizens than America is managing right now, but that doesn't change the underlying truth. If this country gets itself into an unbelievably stupid hot war with China - as our current elites actually seem to want to do (??!!??!!!!!) - I will put on my Rosie the Riveter headband and work 12 hours a day for the war effort, just like everyone else. Because if we should lose that war... China will appropriate every piece of fertile land on the West Coast as the spoils, and most of us useless eaters will be lined up next to a shallow trench and dropped into it with one bullet per. Skilled farmers willing to work as serfs/slaves and the most craven of collaborators would be the only ones likely to remain here and stay alive, and I don't think me or my family will fall into either category. A desperate reverse Oregon Trail with even more dysentery and starvation than the original would be our best chance to survive, should we lose that war. This era isn't going to allow any of us such a luxury as "pacifism". So all you NSA bots need not worry about my loyalty, or my patriotism. I'll lick all y 'all's boots with the best of them--right up until the moment when our lack of a real manufacturing economy or a population not healthy enough to fight or our fragile and supply-chain-dependent industrial agriculture or the over-technicalization of our basic functions of societal life (so very hackable, wow!) or the disastrous oil-guzzling nature of our built environment knee-capping our every action decisively tips the balance of the war out of our favor. I'll wait until THEN to run for my goddamn life. Pinky promise!
And people say I throw dark! Well... I do. But none of the events of the last paragraph are impossible per a study of history - they might even be likely. It's truly a blessing that none of us can know the hour/see the future. But I find that I am stronger for looking directly into the darkness, and accepting in advance the sacrifices and moral compromises I may have to make, for the survival of myself and my family. To burn my ethics down to their smoking cores, and be able to recognize exactly which hill I will finally choose to die on.
I had a realization a month or so back, which I've been turning over and over in my mind ever since. I realized that I am the type of person who could (not would.. a very different thing) have hidden Jews in my house in Nazi Germany. Who could have housed escaped slaves in my basement. Who could have done something extremely personally dangerous, which if widely discovered could result in my destruction, and which none of my neighbors would accept or understand, for the sake of an ethical principle alone. I could do this. In the smallest and most ridiculous possible way, refusing the vaccine in my social situation proves the concept. I'm the only person I know intimately who could.
And this realization isn't wonderful - it's horrible. Because I see clearly now, through all this comparably small and silly vaccination pressure, how easily and eagerly humans fold and form themselves to the ethics of the moment, as opposed to the permanent ethics of something Higher. I see the logic of their actions, too, in a way I never could when I was a coddled teenager reading books for hours on end about Big Historical Events. I see now what the writers of WWII were desperately trying to get across to future generations with their pens - that the more morality COUNTS, the more it HURTS. And it can easily - and in fact usually does - end with the person bravely choosing 'simple' morality hanged from a tree by committee, or dragged behind a car, or their families and good name permanently destroyed in front of their eyes. Sometimes all of the above. Most will choose compromise and survival, and perform whatever mental gymnastics are necessary to live with themselves after. History is absolutely unambiguous about that. And I will almost certainly compromise as well - especially if my family's safety is on the line. Martyrdom is not a responsible choice! But... I see too clearly for my own good, I think. I will know. I will always know what deal I struck. What path I chose my life to go down. And I will have to live with it for the rest of my life... and eat the karma for the rest of the existence of my soul.
And on that note... my dad is calling me to do something in the garden. So I will. For all the horrors the future may hold... they aren't here yet. Today, I will dig up some dirt in the rain. And be very, very grateful.
Edited: a few words