Daily div.
29 June 2021 19:40![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sh1njuk1 A long day... sigh.
I definitely was the Chariot card, no question - strategizing the heck out of my near future. Still trying to, in a way. The Celebration card seems to have been more about my dad than me - he went off to see an old friend for the first time in a long time, at a baseball game, and was in a really cheerful mood. The Empress... well... I did water the garden, and I got my tarot cards the silk binding I've been promising them for a long time. Perhaps that has something to do with impregnating?
I'll probably get offered a job at Amazon tomorrow.
I've got a lot of feelings about it, mostly all expressed to my husband. He did say something interesting in response: that he was glad I was talking about these feelings AHEAD of time, instead of waiting until they caused issues. Which... usually I am pretty forward with my feelings... but now that he mentions it, not about work so much! So I guess this is a step forward.
What's so hard about Amazon, is that it feels like such a step back. But the moment I said yes to the interview - and though I did so of my own free will, and I take responsibility for that - I was caught in the trap. It really does feel like Amazon hunted me down, and dug me out of my burrow, and is ready and eager, nay salivating, to devour my life energy. When will this fucking cancer cell of a company go bankrupt already??? Ugh, not until the entire economy of the USA swirls decisively down the toilet, I know that much. Amazon won't die until its host does, and hell, perhaps not even then, they've got their tendrils in so many places...
The job will not only involve me spending 8+ hours a day in front of screens again, but looking closely at the amazon.com interface (I quit Prime years ago, and haven't even opened the website since March 2020), in Japanese (a language I don't really use much anymore). Hey, it's like my old life has returned! Yay, "normalcy"! No, fuck normalcy. Fuck my old life and fuck the society that thinks it was fine. Fuck working in that human furnace, watching people break around me like so much overheated glass. Fuck their hideous architecture and fuck the spiral of cost inflation they kicked off there, that kicked us out from a region that had become our home, that swallowed up all my friends and scattered them to the four winds. Fuck their vigorous and unashamed raping of the entire Earth. Fuck Amazon.
I hate myself a bit for assenting to this, frankly. And that divided will - the part of me that is saying "go ahead, this is not the worst outcome, your family needs the money" versus the part that is like "this company needs to die, how dare you do anything that helps it not to die, do you want to burn in hell" is what's causing the current round of angst. And back pain. My upper back is where the psychosomatic stuff hangs out.
But I consented, and so to hell I must go. So... I have to come to terms with it somehow.
I got myself through Amazon before, by hoping for something better on the other side of it, generally in a financial sense. I got the first contract to pay off the last of my student loans. The second one, I needed money to move in with Mike. The third, I needed to escape a worse previous job, and to pay for the marriage and honeymoon. The fourth, to save up money to move to Portland. But this will (probably) be the fifth. And what, specifically, am I doing it for?
*deep breaths* So that I can get pregnant and quit working at all for the next year, minimum. Gods willing, this will be the last sacrifice necessary to bring my second child into this world. (Oh - and that's the Empress card explained, too.)
I don't mind the working part of it - not really. It won't be pleasant, remote work is a spiritual and social nightmare, but knowing that there's a firm endpoint will help a lot. The type of person who works for Amazon is more social and cheerful than average, and I should get along pretty well with them, even though I'm going to have to choke down constantly noticing how mentally ill they all are (or are shortly going to be). I'm going to buy huge bolts of silk to hang over the screens for the hours I'm not working, to shield me from Amazon's egregore at least part of the time. I should be able to keep myself in decent health - knock on wood anyway - by getting a gym membership, which I'd been putting off due to cost. I need to be lifting at least twice a week, if I'm going to head into pregnancy in a state of proper health. I should be able to keep cooking, gardening, and saving - not having a commute is good for that, at least. I should be able to avoid vaccine pressure, too.
...I'll keep working on coming to terms with it. I'm too exhausted to rack my brain any more tonight.
Divination...
Me: King of Hearts - ok Amazon for fuck's sake I get it
Situation: King of Diamonds - Happiness found in Nature or Spirituality
Outcome: King of Clubs (The Magician) Skill, Transformation
...I had to walk around for a few minutes after this one.
First thought: OK, yeah, my cards are very happy with the silk wrap. They're literally talking to me right now. Like... as directly as they could without speaking in voices in my head.
Second third: My cards see me as male. That's not too surprising, all things considered. Each of these cards represents me.
Third thought: "You will get the Amazon job. Take solace in your spiritual practice. This will be an opportunity for you to increase your skills and transform yourself."
Fourth thought: I'll get the Amazon job, then spend the rest of the day outdoors, perhaps at a McMenamins. I will transform into an employed person.
If this doesn't happen... I will have dodged a bullet. But - I am 99% sure it will. So... onward, into the breach.
I definitely was the Chariot card, no question - strategizing the heck out of my near future. Still trying to, in a way. The Celebration card seems to have been more about my dad than me - he went off to see an old friend for the first time in a long time, at a baseball game, and was in a really cheerful mood. The Empress... well... I did water the garden, and I got my tarot cards the silk binding I've been promising them for a long time. Perhaps that has something to do with impregnating?
I'll probably get offered a job at Amazon tomorrow.
I've got a lot of feelings about it, mostly all expressed to my husband. He did say something interesting in response: that he was glad I was talking about these feelings AHEAD of time, instead of waiting until they caused issues. Which... usually I am pretty forward with my feelings... but now that he mentions it, not about work so much! So I guess this is a step forward.
What's so hard about Amazon, is that it feels like such a step back. But the moment I said yes to the interview - and though I did so of my own free will, and I take responsibility for that - I was caught in the trap. It really does feel like Amazon hunted me down, and dug me out of my burrow, and is ready and eager, nay salivating, to devour my life energy. When will this fucking cancer cell of a company go bankrupt already??? Ugh, not until the entire economy of the USA swirls decisively down the toilet, I know that much. Amazon won't die until its host does, and hell, perhaps not even then, they've got their tendrils in so many places...
The job will not only involve me spending 8+ hours a day in front of screens again, but looking closely at the amazon.com interface (I quit Prime years ago, and haven't even opened the website since March 2020), in Japanese (a language I don't really use much anymore). Hey, it's like my old life has returned! Yay, "normalcy"! No, fuck normalcy. Fuck my old life and fuck the society that thinks it was fine. Fuck working in that human furnace, watching people break around me like so much overheated glass. Fuck their hideous architecture and fuck the spiral of cost inflation they kicked off there, that kicked us out from a region that had become our home, that swallowed up all my friends and scattered them to the four winds. Fuck their vigorous and unashamed raping of the entire Earth. Fuck Amazon.
I hate myself a bit for assenting to this, frankly. And that divided will - the part of me that is saying "go ahead, this is not the worst outcome, your family needs the money" versus the part that is like "this company needs to die, how dare you do anything that helps it not to die, do you want to burn in hell" is what's causing the current round of angst. And back pain. My upper back is where the psychosomatic stuff hangs out.
But I consented, and so to hell I must go. So... I have to come to terms with it somehow.
I got myself through Amazon before, by hoping for something better on the other side of it, generally in a financial sense. I got the first contract to pay off the last of my student loans. The second one, I needed money to move in with Mike. The third, I needed to escape a worse previous job, and to pay for the marriage and honeymoon. The fourth, to save up money to move to Portland. But this will (probably) be the fifth. And what, specifically, am I doing it for?
*deep breaths* So that I can get pregnant and quit working at all for the next year, minimum. Gods willing, this will be the last sacrifice necessary to bring my second child into this world. (Oh - and that's the Empress card explained, too.)
I don't mind the working part of it - not really. It won't be pleasant, remote work is a spiritual and social nightmare, but knowing that there's a firm endpoint will help a lot. The type of person who works for Amazon is more social and cheerful than average, and I should get along pretty well with them, even though I'm going to have to choke down constantly noticing how mentally ill they all are (or are shortly going to be). I'm going to buy huge bolts of silk to hang over the screens for the hours I'm not working, to shield me from Amazon's egregore at least part of the time. I should be able to keep myself in decent health - knock on wood anyway - by getting a gym membership, which I'd been putting off due to cost. I need to be lifting at least twice a week, if I'm going to head into pregnancy in a state of proper health. I should be able to keep cooking, gardening, and saving - not having a commute is good for that, at least. I should be able to avoid vaccine pressure, too.
...I'll keep working on coming to terms with it. I'm too exhausted to rack my brain any more tonight.
Divination...
Me: King of Hearts - ok Amazon for fuck's sake I get it
Situation: King of Diamonds - Happiness found in Nature or Spirituality
Outcome: King of Clubs (The Magician) Skill, Transformation
...I had to walk around for a few minutes after this one.
First thought: OK, yeah, my cards are very happy with the silk wrap. They're literally talking to me right now. Like... as directly as they could without speaking in voices in my head.
Second third: My cards see me as male. That's not too surprising, all things considered. Each of these cards represents me.
Third thought: "You will get the Amazon job. Take solace in your spiritual practice. This will be an opportunity for you to increase your skills and transform yourself."
Fourth thought: I'll get the Amazon job, then spend the rest of the day outdoors, perhaps at a McMenamins. I will transform into an employed person.
If this doesn't happen... I will have dodged a bullet. But - I am 99% sure it will. So... onward, into the breach.