Daily div.
17 August 2021 20:51![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sh1njuk1 Today's divination was... mixed. I think I understood it, but not entirely sure.
Me: There seems to be an undercurrent to this card of not being able to speak clearly to others about a situation. I feel that way a little bit at my job (not going to tell them about pregnancy for a while yet) and a lot with my father (duh).
Situation: Interestingly enough, this card seems to have been "the decision flipped back and forth". I got a letter in my email suggesting that the apartment background check had failed because of insufficient income. I took a deep breath, assumed that the company hadn't been able to track my job as it was so new, and passed the verification task off to my husband. Turns out they just mis-keyed something! We are approved, so we're on schedule to move this upcoming Saturday.
Outcome: This card confused me. I expected - fully - for it to represent a confrontation of some type with my father. But we had a relatively pleasant chat when I stopped by at home for lunch, and he seems to be over at his girlfriend's tonight. Perhaps he sensed it in the air, and got outta Dodge. It wouldn't surprise me - we used to think along very similar lines. We probably still do.
I'm relieved - I didn't want to have that confrontation. I just want to move away, to negotiate taking one mattress and some flower pots for my son and the herbs I'm going to bring with me, and to have some time to say goodbye to the garden and the fruit trees that I grew to care for over my time here. It seems like this year, this period even, is rubbing my face in my own past, forcing me to see it differently (truly?) and bid it farewell. I can't predict the future at all but emotionally, I never want to come back here. Part of me wishes we were moving much farther away.
I can also recognize that as childish, in its way. I want to punish my father for failing me. Which... there's no need to do that; he'll do it himself, when he keeps away from his own grandchild out of fear for so long that my son forgets who he is. Ah, there it is - that's what breaks my heart. My son calls my father Grandpa, but not only did my dad not bother to say any sort of meaningful goodbye last weekend, he will probably not see him again for months, if ever. My kid's not a baby any more - he will notice when an adult HE LIVED WITH vanishes from the face of the fucking earth. What will I even tell him?? There's no excuse for this, none whatsoever. It's pure cruelty, thoughtlessly layered on top of our situation in which homeownership (and therefore place stability) is already not something I can even offer to my children. If I'd known that this is how our time in Portland as a multi-generational household was going to end... I would never have left Seattle.
I have three more days here. Then I can stop seeing my father, or any reminders of him, and start healing. I will be recovered enough to have a cordial call with him at Christmas, I am pretty sure.
Anyway, that seems to have been a miss, but I'm grateful for it.
Divination for tomorrow, and then to bed...
Me: 8 of Diamonds - comfort through hard work
Situation: Ace of Spades - focus and clarity
Outcome: Ace of Hearts - emotional/creative/spiritual flow
A much better divination this time! :) Looks like a day of hard work at work, with a lot achieved, and then I feel better about life at the end of the day. Sounds good to me!
Me: There seems to be an undercurrent to this card of not being able to speak clearly to others about a situation. I feel that way a little bit at my job (not going to tell them about pregnancy for a while yet) and a lot with my father (duh).
Situation: Interestingly enough, this card seems to have been "the decision flipped back and forth". I got a letter in my email suggesting that the apartment background check had failed because of insufficient income. I took a deep breath, assumed that the company hadn't been able to track my job as it was so new, and passed the verification task off to my husband. Turns out they just mis-keyed something! We are approved, so we're on schedule to move this upcoming Saturday.
Outcome: This card confused me. I expected - fully - for it to represent a confrontation of some type with my father. But we had a relatively pleasant chat when I stopped by at home for lunch, and he seems to be over at his girlfriend's tonight. Perhaps he sensed it in the air, and got outta Dodge. It wouldn't surprise me - we used to think along very similar lines. We probably still do.
I'm relieved - I didn't want to have that confrontation. I just want to move away, to negotiate taking one mattress and some flower pots for my son and the herbs I'm going to bring with me, and to have some time to say goodbye to the garden and the fruit trees that I grew to care for over my time here. It seems like this year, this period even, is rubbing my face in my own past, forcing me to see it differently (truly?) and bid it farewell. I can't predict the future at all but emotionally, I never want to come back here. Part of me wishes we were moving much farther away.
I can also recognize that as childish, in its way. I want to punish my father for failing me. Which... there's no need to do that; he'll do it himself, when he keeps away from his own grandchild out of fear for so long that my son forgets who he is. Ah, there it is - that's what breaks my heart. My son calls my father Grandpa, but not only did my dad not bother to say any sort of meaningful goodbye last weekend, he will probably not see him again for months, if ever. My kid's not a baby any more - he will notice when an adult HE LIVED WITH vanishes from the face of the fucking earth. What will I even tell him?? There's no excuse for this, none whatsoever. It's pure cruelty, thoughtlessly layered on top of our situation in which homeownership (and therefore place stability) is already not something I can even offer to my children. If I'd known that this is how our time in Portland as a multi-generational household was going to end... I would never have left Seattle.
I have three more days here. Then I can stop seeing my father, or any reminders of him, and start healing. I will be recovered enough to have a cordial call with him at Christmas, I am pretty sure.
Anyway, that seems to have been a miss, but I'm grateful for it.
Divination for tomorrow, and then to bed...
Me: 8 of Diamonds - comfort through hard work
Situation: Ace of Spades - focus and clarity
Outcome: Ace of Hearts - emotional/creative/spiritual flow
A much better divination this time! :) Looks like a day of hard work at work, with a lot achieved, and then I feel better about life at the end of the day. Sounds good to me!