sh1njuk1

 We moved, and then it took a few days to get the Internet, and then we switched from wi-fi to ethernet cable and so I had to get a different computer, and then I had to crawl out from under the burden of my own exhaustion. Good times! I've done divination every day and recorded it on a piece of paper. Let's see how much I can record here before the tireds get me...

Saturday: The day of the move, I did not feel strong at all (Strength REVERSED), and did not help nearly as much as our friends. Our family was severed (10 of Diamonds REVERSED). It was a crazy day and I had to sleep with an LED streetlight right in my face (Temperance REVERSED). Days where all three cards are reversed seem to be crazy pretty often, and this was not an exception. 

Sunday: I worked as hard as I could to continue the move (8 of Clubs) and we got a majority of our stuff into the apartment, making it possible to live here, a real but partial victory (The World REVERSED). It was also a hectic, miserable day in which I collapsed into bed for a nap at 3 PM, our child was in distress, and it was impossible to find anything (Temperance REVERSED - yes, again). 

Monday: Back to work - I admit that after the upheaval, I didn't trust anything or anyone to be stable anymore and wasn't sure if I could pull it off (4 of Hearts) but fortunately, everything went very smoothly work-wise (Temperance). I didn't do anything at all on the new house (8 of Clubs REVERSED) but my poor husband worked so hard getting things in the right place he was in bed with a migraine that night. 

Tuesday: I had the quiet internal realization that, one way or another, I am going to have to cut ties with my father, but could not at that time decide on the right way to do that, and also want to wait until we retrieve a few last things out of his house (Death REVERSED). I buckled down at work and it went well (8 of Diamonds). The day ended with us moving a few more steps towards normalcy (The World REVERSED). 

Wednesday: I finally felt myself start to move on from the toxic, ugly atmosphere that I'd been forced to exist under for the last fair bit at my dad's place (6 of Spades). I got the idea that it will need to be an email, the cutting of ties, and that it should have as little drama as possible (The Chariot). I guess I've matured at least that much - there will not be the fireworks that happened with my mother, for sure. Mike got a new video game and started to play it while I watched in the evening - a bonding exercise for us (King of Hearts). 

Thursday: A day in which I felt rather pregnant (Strength REVERSED). I had a moment, first in a long time, where I WANTED to do stretches and exercise and longed to spend as much time as possible outside, and did get to do that some (King of Diamonds). I held myself to the vow of actually cooking eggs on our new stove, and achieved that (The Hanged Man). Step by step, we will move towards normal. I can finally, finally see the path. 

Way too tired to divinate now - I will catch up tomorrow. 

 Well, the cards predicted a rough day, and it was a bit of a rough day. 

Me: Yes, I faced a tough opponent today... my own father. My favorite parent, once upon a time. We had the conversation at a bench next to the farmer's market where we both shop on Saturday. I had prepared a financial report of sorts for my dad, and also made sure to emphasize that we weren't making this choice (to move out) out of anger, but that given the situation, this was the best choice for our family. 

It went... about as well as I could have hoped for, I guess. He admitted that the finances were sound, and that this was possible for us. But he very quickly recognized that he looked rather bad in this scenario, and so spent most of the conversation after the initial part lecturing me on how I hadn't solved the "actual" problem (how to keep myself perfectly protected from Delta, I guess) and that clearly my brain was too addled from pregnancy to think straight, and why didn't I just go to the local pregnancy center (the anti-abortion one) and ask THEM what vaccine to take, if finding an obstetrician to talk to was going to take longer than a weekend?? Yeah... I can't imagine why that possibly might not solve my problem. 

Because I wanted there to be some hope of family reconciliation in the future, I just nodded along and kept insisting that I was just too tired to handle anything else right now, things came at me too fast this week, and that I needed to think about the medium and long term as well as the short one. That COVID would eventually go away but the rent payments were unlikely to. He insisted loudly that he wasn't evicting me, that we could always come and move back in at any time for any reason, and I thanked him sincerely for that. I will hold him to it, should it be needed. Really what was going on there though was that he didn't want to be wrong, so, I let him be not-wrong. He ranted a bit about how if I didn't make it through the short term, no other term mattered! At this point I raised my voice slightly and informed him I am an adult and I will make my own choices. He backed down with a few parting shots I did not respond to, and we went to take a look at some recent art installations nearby. The conversation was finished. I believe our relationship is unchanged, that we both still love each other, and the vast majority of my thoughts on the matter will go forever unsaid. Victory - with mud all over my face. But, no clean wins were ever really possible. 

He is right in one way, though - one way which he will never actually know about. I've waited too long to source ivermectin. Really... I've been reading about it for months... I should have known better. I need to order that ASAP, and have it delivered--to our new apartment I guess. The site I found will take about 3 to 4 weeks to deliver. Fingers crossed it arrives before anyone I know is in danger. 

Anyway I was a bit down the rest of the day, with a lot of quiet ranting to myself, saying all the words I held back in the moment so that they didn't curdle inside too much. I also unburdened myself deeply to my husband at one point about matters I've written about here before. That would be the Situation card. 

Outcome: I think the main quotation from yesterday was entirely correct - I did lose something big and painful. I recognized after the conversation that I don't really want to leave this house, and its garden, and my dad's fix-it side I had hoped to learn so much more from... but there's no other choice now. Our new apartment is beautiful, the location is ideal and I know that the moment I actually move in there I will weep with joy and relief. But the dream of multi-generational housing that was working pretty OK... that's gone. And it hurts to lose it. I wanted us to be stronger together - for us all to pull together against the crazy age, and to fight all dangers at each other's side. But my dad is too afraid. 

Being separate, though, will allow me and my family to reach out - finally - to a wider community, without having to tip-toe around these fears and restrictions. It will allow me to purchase a generator and extra fridge ASAP without trying to explain endlessly to my dad why these things are really good to have right now. It will allow me to pile every last shelf high with non-perishable food, without asking any permission. It will allow me to eliminate sugary crap and creepy chemicals from ever being in our presence. So... I can still keep moving forward.

So tired... time to divinate. 

Me: King of Clubs (The Magician)

Situation: 9 of Clubs (The Sun)

Outcome: 6 of Spades REVERSED

Too tired to speculate, will look this up tomorrow, good night. 

 How quickly the world turns...

Me: Obviously, composing the email this morning was part of my best self. But... there's a power element to the Emperor, as well, and that was made quite clear when my mother-in-law wrote back almost immediately thanking me for explaining my thought process to her (!!), reinstating her offer to let us stay with them after the baby is born, and apologizing for being so emotional earlier. I guess... I won? 

Well - if I won, I won the right to keep maintaining our relationship indefinitely. This is my preferred outcome, though; something I didn't dare to hope for, and a great relief to boot. You know, I don't actually hate my mother-in-law! Before this whole episode, I considered her (and her husband) my most reasonable, helpful and outright favorite extended family members. For a while now, I've been trying to cultivate as much forgiveness in advance as I possibly can for how members of my community are going to respond to 2021. So - I've got a bit ready to go! I wrote a brief message thanking her, telling her I felt heard, and that I would write more over the weekend, so that she didn't have to twist in the wind. 

I'll meditate a bit on the best way to go forward over the weekend, too. I want to make sure boundaries remain firmly in place, and that reconciliation isn't taken as an opportunity to push further. 

Situation: JEEZ LOUISE. Talk about your ups and downs!! This card was on the money.

Outcome: Our good friend Cory came over and we had many nice conversations. And tonight... I'm gonna sleep real well. 

On that note, let's divinate!

Me: 6 of Spades - Leaving Worries Behind, A Transition - extra source says "a bridge over troubled waters". 

Situation: 9 of Spades - staying awake at night with worry - extra source says this could either mean insomnia or my menses starting as well

Outcome: 2 of Spades (The Hanged Man) - Peace through Self-Discipline, Freedom from Distraction - extra source says a sign that you must accept a change, give something up, and follow your heart

Well here's a narrative... I should be moving on from the mother-in-law issue, my menstrual period might very well start tomorrow, and we will see whether we will have as romantic an evening as we were planning--or not!