Daily div.

[sh1njuk1]

Guess what? I'm not taking the Amazon job after all! 

I woke up once again at 4 AM in the morning feeling absolutely miserable... and I just finally thought... why? Why am I doing this?? For $1200 fucking dollars a month?!

It would be more money than that - the unemployment benefits start to phase out in September - but I ran some very interesting numbers about how much, precisely, we managed to save over the past year while I struggled through with my last miserable contract. It turns out that we saved... next to nothing at all. Most of our current savings, even, is the stimulus payments + the money we borrowed from our family. And where did that money go? To a lot of things - but most of the non-necessities are under the category of "spending on stuff to keep from falling into suicidal despair." Because that's the type of year it was. And I could not deny it... the same feelings were coming back to me, no matter what and how I kept trying to convince myself to take the job. Mike told me he supported me, my dad said he supported me, even my father-in-law said he supported me too...

So I sent an email to the recruiter just an hour or so ago, telling her that I was having too many sudden mental health issues to be confident I could perform in the role, and to send my apologies to the manager. Not a lie, even!

So - we will live more dangerously. Or will we? There are many dangers in this world... I may have dodged one of them!

Given this blog's purpose, I want to describe the spiritual part of this, not just the practical. I am doing most of the SOP now - the four elements, at least. And as I was trying to focus on them, I figured out the following spiritual truths:

• Amazon really was trying to hunt me down. Their egregore or whatever really was predatory towards me, I wasn't imagining it. 
• The real division was inside me - inside my will. The moment I thought I might get the Amazon job, I was barely able to perform the Fire (will) part of the SOP. I recognized a few days back that it was because my will was deeply divided, and have been struggling to unite it ever since. Well... it's united now. 
• My mind was able to come up with many rationalizations for why it was a good idea to take the job. But it was also able to come up with many rationalizations why I shouldn't take the job. It was a neutral agent. I think all in all it performed well, I'm not mad at it. 
• My heart was numb the entire week, and the ritual didn't seem to be working to "clean" things out, until I finally this afternoon allowed myself to believe that I could back out of this. Upon thinking to myself my incantation for Water - "may my feelings show me what I need to know, may they come quickly and then go" I burst into tears. I really don't do this often - the last time was the moment I gave up home ownership in Portland, in mid-November 2020, at approximately 2 AM in the morning - so that much was a big deal. 
• In the middle of my sobs, I said aloud "We will have to be brave, won't we? And let the old life die..." It wasn't premeditated, and felt like it came from a deeper place than usual. It felt like the truth bubbled out. 
• The most effective banishing I have been able to do this week is in my brand-new Earth invocation, focusing on the body. In the end it was my body - my subconscious - which stepped up and made its will known here. And... I see that what the body wants, the body gets. I have a stronger "lower half" than I sometimes think.
• Or do I? Is the fact that it took this long for my body to get its message through to my head, even when my head was completely divided on the matter itself, yet another sign that I am "top-heavy"?
• I felt all this week as if I was wrestling a demon. I'm not entirely sure that's an exaggeration. 
• It was so much easier, in my heart of hearts, to convert to Druidry vs to take one step away from neoliberalism... shows you what the real religion of this country and civilization is, eh?
• This feels like the better path, spiritually. And normally I wouldn't consider that aspect - I mean, before, that was barely a category. I would have called it "ethics" and most likely shrugged off my concerns in the face of specific goals. Probably. But I couldn't this time. And even though I know I'll need to go through another round of cost reductions... and that the next predator I'll need to deal with is the state, should they investigate... I am so, so, SO relieved. 
• Fuck Amazon.
• I am going to continue on this Druid path, and become a better and more resilient person. Amen. 

The Queen of Spades and her pointy, painful sword plunged right through the middle of me today again - cutting away the old, maybe even later than it should have been done. The Hermit asked of me Sacrifice Without Regret, and I gave to him my old life, and bid it farewell. The Hanged Man, I read about in the longer reference book, often represents going against the grain - he is upside-down after all - and turning down a nice plush contract at Amazon where I could work from home etc. etc. is definitely going against the mainstream. So the divination was a slam-dunk. 

I thought a little bit more, actually, about that one reading from earlier in the week - the one that felt like it was about more than a single day. The Me was Amazon - nearly immersed in the waves. The Situation was "finding solace in nature or religion" - that was my Druid path. The Outcome was the Magician - "transformation" - me finally walking away from the way I'd approached the job hunt for at least the past decade, and moving towards... something new. Tarot can mean something new every time you look at them...

OK - let's do a divination, and sleep well at last tonight. 

Me: 8 of Hearts (The Moon) - Subtlety, Mystery, Instinct

Situation: 10 of Hearts (Wheel of Fortune) - Plans set in motion

Outcome: Jack of Diamonds - Fascination, Wonder, Scholarship

I see... let's sketch a narrative. I reconnect with my instinct, my inner self. I make plans for the next phase of my life. And I embark on them, as the Jack/Page, with a sense of wonder and a nose for scholarship. I sure hope this is close to the truth! 

Comments

[lp9]

Glad you got some clarity on the job issue and good luck sorting out your path forward. I too find Earth the most powerful part of the SOP, along with Spirit Below. My natal chart is also Earthy, earth, earthy, with an extra helping of Earth!

[sh1njuk1]

Thank you so much! :) It was a pretty epic struggle, but I think the SOP really helped me through it. I've yet to do Spirit Below/Above, so I have that to look forward to!

It's been a while since I had my chart read, and I wasn't very serious about it at the time, but I remember that I had fairly equal input from all elements. I ought to get it checked again when I next have access to a reputable natal astrologer...