Daily div.
14 August 2021 19:03![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sh1njuk1 Well, the cards predicted a rough day, and it was a bit of a rough day.
Me: Yes, I faced a tough opponent today... my own father. My favorite parent, once upon a time. We had the conversation at a bench next to the farmer's market where we both shop on Saturday. I had prepared a financial report of sorts for my dad, and also made sure to emphasize that we weren't making this choice (to move out) out of anger, but that given the situation, this was the best choice for our family.
It went... about as well as I could have hoped for, I guess. He admitted that the finances were sound, and that this was possible for us. But he very quickly recognized that he looked rather bad in this scenario, and so spent most of the conversation after the initial part lecturing me on how I hadn't solved the "actual" problem (how to keep myself perfectly protected from Delta, I guess) and that clearly my brain was too addled from pregnancy to think straight, and why didn't I just go to the local pregnancy center (the anti-abortion one) and ask THEM what vaccine to take, if finding an obstetrician to talk to was going to take longer than a weekend?? Yeah... I can't imagine why that possibly might not solve my problem.
Because I wanted there to be some hope of family reconciliation in the future, I just nodded along and kept insisting that I was just too tired to handle anything else right now, things came at me too fast this week, and that I needed to think about the medium and long term as well as the short one. That COVID would eventually go away but the rent payments were unlikely to. He insisted loudly that he wasn't evicting me, that we could always come and move back in at any time for any reason, and I thanked him sincerely for that. I will hold him to it, should it be needed. Really what was going on there though was that he didn't want to be wrong, so, I let him be not-wrong. He ranted a bit about how if I didn't make it through the short term, no other term mattered! At this point I raised my voice slightly and informed him I am an adult and I will make my own choices. He backed down with a few parting shots I did not respond to, and we went to take a look at some recent art installations nearby. The conversation was finished. I believe our relationship is unchanged, that we both still love each other, and the vast majority of my thoughts on the matter will go forever unsaid. Victory - with mud all over my face. But, no clean wins were ever really possible.
He is right in one way, though - one way which he will never actually know about. I've waited too long to source ivermectin. Really... I've been reading about it for months... I should have known better. I need to order that ASAP, and have it delivered--to our new apartment I guess. The site I found will take about 3 to 4 weeks to deliver. Fingers crossed it arrives before anyone I know is in danger.
Anyway I was a bit down the rest of the day, with a lot of quiet ranting to myself, saying all the words I held back in the moment so that they didn't curdle inside too much. I also unburdened myself deeply to my husband at one point about matters I've written about here before. That would be the Situation card.
Outcome: I think the main quotation from yesterday was entirely correct - I did lose something big and painful. I recognized after the conversation that I don't really want to leave this house, and its garden, and my dad's fix-it side I had hoped to learn so much more from... but there's no other choice now. Our new apartment is beautiful, the location is ideal and I know that the moment I actually move in there I will weep with joy and relief. But the dream of multi-generational housing that was working pretty OK... that's gone. And it hurts to lose it. I wanted us to be stronger together - for us all to pull together against the crazy age, and to fight all dangers at each other's side. But my dad is too afraid.
Being separate, though, will allow me and my family to reach out - finally - to a wider community, without having to tip-toe around these fears and restrictions. It will allow me to purchase a generator and extra fridge ASAP without trying to explain endlessly to my dad why these things are really good to have right now. It will allow me to pile every last shelf high with non-perishable food, without asking any permission. It will allow me to eliminate sugary crap and creepy chemicals from ever being in our presence. So... I can still keep moving forward.
So tired... time to divinate.
Me: King of Clubs (The Magician)
Situation: 9 of Clubs (The Sun)
Outcome: 6 of Spades REVERSED
Too tired to speculate, will look this up tomorrow, good night.
Me: Yes, I faced a tough opponent today... my own father. My favorite parent, once upon a time. We had the conversation at a bench next to the farmer's market where we both shop on Saturday. I had prepared a financial report of sorts for my dad, and also made sure to emphasize that we weren't making this choice (to move out) out of anger, but that given the situation, this was the best choice for our family.
It went... about as well as I could have hoped for, I guess. He admitted that the finances were sound, and that this was possible for us. But he very quickly recognized that he looked rather bad in this scenario, and so spent most of the conversation after the initial part lecturing me on how I hadn't solved the "actual" problem (how to keep myself perfectly protected from Delta, I guess) and that clearly my brain was too addled from pregnancy to think straight, and why didn't I just go to the local pregnancy center (the anti-abortion one) and ask THEM what vaccine to take, if finding an obstetrician to talk to was going to take longer than a weekend?? Yeah... I can't imagine why that possibly might not solve my problem.
Because I wanted there to be some hope of family reconciliation in the future, I just nodded along and kept insisting that I was just too tired to handle anything else right now, things came at me too fast this week, and that I needed to think about the medium and long term as well as the short one. That COVID would eventually go away but the rent payments were unlikely to. He insisted loudly that he wasn't evicting me, that we could always come and move back in at any time for any reason, and I thanked him sincerely for that. I will hold him to it, should it be needed. Really what was going on there though was that he didn't want to be wrong, so, I let him be not-wrong. He ranted a bit about how if I didn't make it through the short term, no other term mattered! At this point I raised my voice slightly and informed him I am an adult and I will make my own choices. He backed down with a few parting shots I did not respond to, and we went to take a look at some recent art installations nearby. The conversation was finished. I believe our relationship is unchanged, that we both still love each other, and the vast majority of my thoughts on the matter will go forever unsaid. Victory - with mud all over my face. But, no clean wins were ever really possible.
He is right in one way, though - one way which he will never actually know about. I've waited too long to source ivermectin. Really... I've been reading about it for months... I should have known better. I need to order that ASAP, and have it delivered--to our new apartment I guess. The site I found will take about 3 to 4 weeks to deliver. Fingers crossed it arrives before anyone I know is in danger.
Anyway I was a bit down the rest of the day, with a lot of quiet ranting to myself, saying all the words I held back in the moment so that they didn't curdle inside too much. I also unburdened myself deeply to my husband at one point about matters I've written about here before. That would be the Situation card.
Outcome: I think the main quotation from yesterday was entirely correct - I did lose something big and painful. I recognized after the conversation that I don't really want to leave this house, and its garden, and my dad's fix-it side I had hoped to learn so much more from... but there's no other choice now. Our new apartment is beautiful, the location is ideal and I know that the moment I actually move in there I will weep with joy and relief. But the dream of multi-generational housing that was working pretty OK... that's gone. And it hurts to lose it. I wanted us to be stronger together - for us all to pull together against the crazy age, and to fight all dangers at each other's side. But my dad is too afraid.
Being separate, though, will allow me and my family to reach out - finally - to a wider community, without having to tip-toe around these fears and restrictions. It will allow me to purchase a generator and extra fridge ASAP without trying to explain endlessly to my dad why these things are really good to have right now. It will allow me to pile every last shelf high with non-perishable food, without asking any permission. It will allow me to eliminate sugary crap and creepy chemicals from ever being in our presence. So... I can still keep moving forward.
So tired... time to divinate.
Me: King of Clubs (The Magician)
Situation: 9 of Clubs (The Sun)
Outcome: 6 of Spades REVERSED
Too tired to speculate, will look this up tomorrow, good night.