sh1njuk1

Well, first off... Happy Lugnasadh! :)

My husband and I chose this weekend to visit the Edgefield McMenamins hotel, just the two of us, so I knew that I would have to get the ritual done in our hotel room. Fortunately, the owners and founders of the McMenamins chain are occult practitioners, as are many of the artists they employ, so it is one of those "thin veil" places. (One of these days I will do a post on McMenamins, with pictures... I think they have a good shot at being a major entry in the paltry collection of 'great art' that New Age religions can claim. The art on the walls is stunning, with most pieces' mood being a cheerful and sly wink, but a few being almost unbearably emotionally moving.) My husband wanted to spend time outside sketching, so I put the Do Not Disturb sign on the hotel door and did the ritual solo.

(Here, I will eventually put a picture of the art on the wall of our room, which showed a nature God and Goddess reaching out towards one another with the beautiful Columbia River Valley in the middle. Very apropos! :)

This is the first ritual I have done by myself out of the Druidry Handbook, so to call my performance "DIY-style" is... a compliment really. I did the entire thing with the book in one hand. I more or less managed to get everything needed gathered together - I was especially proud of the made-entirely-on-the-property-with-hops-grown-on-the-property beer which I bought from the pub on the hotel's first floor, lol! - but I left out the incense for the eastern part, as marijuana is not allowed in the hotel and I figure incense would have the same effect cleaning-wise.

I dragged a hotel table into the middle of the room, opened all the windows (to prevent smoke), draped the table with green silk and a single piece of gold origami paper I found. For the east I put nothing (with apologies to the air spirits), to the south I lit a single votive candle - and that did make me nervous, but the smoke alarm never went off, thank the gods - to the west I poured some water from the hotel bathroom sink into a bowl, and to the north I put some salt into another bowl. I poured the beer into a little sake cup, and ripped a piece of farmer's market break (made from local grains) and put both on the table as well. I took the bread knife - the only knife I have with a sheath! - on the chair in the north part, and that completed the tableau.

(Here, when I figure out how pictures work, I will put a pic of the altar I threw together.)

I put on my white Druid robe, which I made over the last month or so in quiet moments from about 3 rectangular yards of white shirtwaist, cutting a hole for the head and then hand-stitching the hems closed on both the "head-hole" and all the sides. Then I wrapped my yellow candidate cord around the waist, which took the Druid robe nicely from "ghost costume" to "sacred wear". Did I say DIY? It's very DIY.

(I also took a picture w/out head of my robe, because I made it myself and I'm kind of proud of that.)

Per the Handbook, the order was: open the Grove, call the goddess Sul, then close the Grove. So this was what I did. Unsheathing the knife in the four directions was very satisfying! :) I found that the readings, when said aloud, resonated very nicely in the room. I am not skilled at color breathing, but I did my best. I did not spend a ton of time meditating, because of an underlying tension that at any moment, the candle in my room might set off the smoke detector. Despite the tension, and despite me literally reading aloud out of the book, I did feel an "aura" developing as I opened the grove.

I had no idea what to expect when calling Sul - I do not specifically call the Druid gods and goddesses in my SOP practice at this time, or any gods or goddesses (I only refer to the elements by their scientific names) but there was too much going on this weekend to try and figure out an alternative, so I summoned her as written. It was an astral plane visit only, but to my surprise, when I summoned her, uh... she showed up.

JMG's description of Sul has her as a middle-aged, golden-haired woman dressed in red and gold, if I remember correctly, but... that was NOT the form she appeared in to me. She stood in the south, as I was standing in the north, and we faced each other directly. She was at least 6 feet tall, a solid block in outline, only human-like by suggestion, made entirely of red flames which were slowly rolling upward. The flames spread out from either side of her "head" and flicked slowly upwards as if she had antlers. Her face was nothing but a black void, slightly pointed downward near her "chin", and the flames she was made of slowly curled into said void and disappeared there.

I continued the ceremony, praising her and asking for her blessing, and then dismissed her by the message written in the Handbook. But... she didn't leave. She seemed to be waiting for something else. I thought for a moment about what might satisfy her, and I made the connection with the fire, the southern direction, and my Will as laid out in the SOP. I have a lot of Will - that came to mind pretty readily. So I said inside my head in her general direction (did not speak aloud): "I promise a portion of my Will to serve you, goddess, in this lifetime." This did satisfy her, and she departed.

The more I think back on this the more wigged out I get about it, as this was VERY outside my usual experiences and perceptions, but at the moment it all felt very normal and reasonable. I don't think I pledged anything that I cannot fulfill. I fully intend to work harder at using less of the bounty of the Earth wastefully, and that's my best guess as to what would best please the Druid gods and goddesses. Also, I remember reading that the Druid pantheon are very easy-going, not jealous like i.e. Yahweh, and despite the somewhat scary appearance, there was nothing frightening in her demeanor towards me. She felt like... an element. Which makes sense.

Anyway, I then performed the Grove closing ceremony, pointing the knife to the sky and invoking Excalibur. (I may change the wording of that part going forward - I think I need to do a little more meditation, at minimum, to feel totally comfortable with the phrase Excalibur, lol!) The energies really did take a moment or two to drain away. Once the ceremony was properly complete, I drank the beer and ate the bread.

Final thoughts: The whole thing, though unexpectedly intense (my room key also completely disappeared from the room at some point during the ~45 minutes of the ceremony, despite me using it to enter to room - I had to ask my husband to come back up so I could go to the bathroom!), was also kind of slap-dash. Next time around, at the fall equinox, I will hopefully be a bit more practiced at color breathing, be in a space where I can properly burn incense, and possibly have memorized more of the ceremony, so that there won't be so much reading. Also... apple cider should be the alcohol of choice next time around. The Eight-Fold Wheel turns! :)

How quickly the world turns...

Me: Obviously, composing the email this morning was part of my best self. But... there's a power element to the Emperor, as well, and that was made quite clear when my mother-in-law wrote back almost immediately thanking me for explaining my thought process to her (!!), reinstating her offer to let us stay with them after the baby is born, and apologizing for being so emotional earlier. I guess... I won?

Well - if I won, I won the right to keep maintaining our relationship indefinitely. This is my preferred outcome, though; something I didn't dare to hope for, and a great relief to boot. You know, I don't actually hate my mother-in-law! Before this whole episode, I considered her (and her husband) my most reasonable, helpful and outright favorite extended family members. For a while now, I've been trying to cultivate as much forgiveness in advance as I possibly can for how members of my community are going to respond to 2021. So - I've got a bit ready to go! I wrote a brief message thanking her, telling her I felt heard, and that I would write more over the weekend, so that she didn't have to twist in the wind.

I'll meditate a bit on the best way to go forward over the weekend, too. I want to make sure boundaries remain firmly in place, and that reconciliation isn't taken as an opportunity to push further.

Situation: JEEZ LOUISE. Talk about your ups and downs!! This card was on the money.

Outcome: Our good friend Cory came over and we had many nice conversations. And tonight... I'm gonna sleep real well.

On that note, let's divinate!

Me: 6 of Spades - Leaving Worries Behind, A Transition - extra source says "a bridge over troubled waters".

Situation: 9 of Spades - staying awake at night with worry - extra source says this could either mean insomnia or my menses starting as well

Outcome: 2 of Spades (The Hanged Man) - Peace through Self-Discipline, Freedom from Distraction - extra source says a sign that you must accept a change, give something up, and follow your heart

Well here's a narrative... I should be moving on from the mother-in-law issue, my menstrual period might very well start tomorrow, and we will see whether we will have as romantic an evening as we were planning--or not!

Let's get this done! I know it will only be for a half-day, but weirdly enough, I feel like I need the support! ^^;

Me: I need to meditate on what the word "flow" means. Looking at my other source, it mentions "block in emotional connection." All I can connect it to, is me girding my emotional loins yesterday and this morning to solve, as best as is possible, my relationships with my former best friend and my mother-in-law. Which I did with as much efficiency and skill as I could muster. Crying about it wouldn't have worked - logic had to be first and foremost.

The email to Ericka only took ten minutes. Most of that work had already been done. Because I am trying to maintain some level of mutual respect with my mother-in-law, thought, I rewrote the email from scratch three times. First time I was kind of legalistic and snotty, second time was a raw primal scream of grief and betrayal, and the third time (this morning, not yesterday, maybe that's the thing) I hit upon a tone where I clearly explained my logic, drew my boundaries gently but unequivocally, and emphasized over and over again my deep grief that we've found ourselves in this situation. But also with an underlying message: I am an adult, and you cannot order me to do anything. Trying to wave about your money will only make me more determined. As an adult, I will accept whatever the cost of my choices happens to be, but I am NOT a child, and the more you insist on things going your way or the highway the farther away I will pull... and I will take your son and grandchildren with me.

I went on a tangent in the middle that was not really a tangent - expressing to her my legitimate feelings about whether or not I even want to raise children in this society as it currently is, whether following middle-class norms was even worth it anymore, and asking her opinion directly: how far away does she think we would have to go in order to find a society where children can laugh and play together, where neighbors drop by, and where people relax in community? I compared my son's life unfavorably to the Hispanic immigrant kids in the low-income apartments. Because while he has many privileges compared to them, I honest to god think they might have better lives overall right now. She's a smart woman and I think she'll catch the message. And if our family up and leaves this region within the next few years... she can't claim any surprise.

Situation: Yeah, opposite of community is right. I spent most of my emotional energy on effectively cutting back two very deep ties (though we will still maintain contact with my mother-in-law, at least for now). I did drop off a bag of plums downtown for someone so that was a small reprieve from the grim task <3

Outcome: I did what I had to do.

OK, let's get a divination going, so that I can reorient myself to the stuff I still need to do today.

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - me

Situation: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) REVERSED - no balance and moderation today, alas

Outcome: 5 of Hearts REVERSED - "This card deals specifically with recovery from grief"

The process of this divination was a bit of a mess - I went into my room to have some privacy, and then stomped around for about 30 minutes while waves of rage (excuse me, PURE RAGE) passed over me. That explains the Me card from the other day, LOL! The RAGE was what I was so carefully, so determinedly holding back. The RAGE that people who profess to love and care for me don't care about whether or not I even give them a second grandchild or not. The RAGE that they would kill my baby, and maybe even me, just to... what? Preserve their ability to watch more Netflix? Believe that they're such a good person? The RAGE, as I guess I've already explored the sadness, that everything I thought I could reasonably expect from elders and fully-grown adults, they have failed to provide. But... eh. Once it passed, it passed. I've been working through these concepts for a while, lol! I'm trying to fold it into "Project: Become A Better Matriarch". I keep being given all these lessons! I'm so grateful!! LOL!!!

I checked the news afterwards to give myself a break (lol, can you imagine) and noted that CNN is announcing the vaccines have no effect on the Delta variant and that the Wall Street Journal is recommending ivermectin. So let the fireworks begin, I guess.

Anyway, this reading suggests that I am spending today in my power (so far, super true), that things will be really up and down (so far, super true) and that I will find healing and rest in some form by the end of the day. I'll take it!

Catching up, as I was up past midnight last night talking to a friend and then doing an SOP very late.

Me card: Oh, I was the Jack of Spades in every way yesterday. No doubt. I stepped very... very... carefully.

Situation: I was surprised and touched by how both my husband and father jumped in to help me gather and deliver plums yesterday! :) So far, two very happy "customers" have resulted. I will be taking a spiritual break after this post by going outside and picking more - I've got two more deliveries lined up!

Outcome: Well, there were two "conversations" last night.

First, my mother-in-law announced - through my poor husband - that she would not permit an unvaccinated person to live in her house. So this is a retraction of the promise that she would help us with the baby when it is born. I... am not really surprised. And I don't think it is outside her rights - in fact, I'm kind of proud of her for setting boundaries! The last "kids" she had living in her house absolutely trashed it, in a frankly unforgivable way. Per her view I suppose I would be doing the same.

And... you know what, in a lot of ways, it's a relief. I truly, utterly hate my mother-in-law's house. It's in a wretched location, unwalkable and close to nothing. It always had a serious amount of bad juju, even when I lived there years ago. And now that she's tried to get rid of it with a comprehensive remodel... it's actually worse!! She went full HGTV, knocked down all the walls, and now all the fancy new appliances ALREADY have things that don't work on them (it hasn't even been a year!) and you can hear every sound made from every room. There's no privacy - it's a hellish hall of sound mirrors. And of course... she has an Alexa. Right in the middle of the open floor plan, in absolute pride of place.

I'll just confess here that, despite my mother-in-law's official status as a Wiccan priestess, that I often wonder if she does any spiritual practice at all. Her lifestyle does not reflect the influence, let's just say. This relieving drawing-of-boundaries allows me to admit, that her house - and her life - is demon-haunted. Thank the gods my baby will not have to spend its most vulnerable years in there! I guess she invited them in at some point, and just can't bear to see them go. Maybe she would become too alone...? Her husband has started to spend every weekday, Monday-Friday, out working on their friend's property in the countryside, and not returning to the home at night (too far to drive, of course). That, to me, suggests everything about what condition that house has descended to.

I will try to write that email today, if I can. I need to get my poor husband out from between the two of us. He has thrown in with me, so to speak, and bless him for it - but his mother continuing to pass messages through him is unacceptable, and frankly unbecoming of an adult.

And then, I chatted with Ericka.

First, a cheerful note: my "I do not disclose my status" policy worked GREAT with Ericka. She just assumed I was vaccinated and continued on to talk about what she wanted to talk about. That's a good sign for future social contacts!

Then, well, there's the rest of it. Ericka has completely rearranged her life around the current mainstream narrative, and is the abject servant of fear. She works entirely from home, wears a mask outdoors everywhere, is in high dudgeon about people going to parties and eating at restaurants, is dumping friends when she sees them on Facebook in pictures without masks, has gone completely xenophobic (by her own admission!) over European tourists visiting without masks, and is even frightened, yes frightened, of children! She told me, in her way of joking yet not really joking, "When are they going to make the vaccines work for 5-year-olds already? So they can stop threatening me!"

I said again and again to her, "Do whatever you feel you must, these are frightening times." And... I meant that. But I sit and think back on our conversation now with a lingering sadness. That's the main feeling I have about COVID everything right now - sadness. Deep and abiding sadness.

This isn't so much of a disappointment as an "ah, of course" but when Ericka reached out to me by text to chat, I'd wondered if she wanted to genuinely check in with me and revive our friendship. That was not the case. She just wanted to rant and rave about the unvaccinated and hear an echo chamber about how everything she had chosen to do this last year was Good and Right and Better and how her fear was the only thing keeping her safe.

At one point in the conversation she told me she was convinced she had already had COVID back in April 2020, and despite the fact that it caused her no serious health problems at the time, and she admitted that scientifically she has a good chance of having even less of a reaction should she catch it again, her main emotional reaction while telling me this was RAGE at all the people in her local Target who were still unmasked - this was back before mask mandates!! - who had GIVEN her the disease. Of course she is also vaccinated. Ericka could not possibly be safer from COVID-19 and its variants, not in any universe which operates on the laws of physics. And it has driven her absolutely, positively insane.

Obviously under these conditions there is nothing remaining that can be called a "friendship". I am relieved, now, that she betrayed me so utterly as an editor. It allowed me to work through the end of our friendship, and my emotions associated with it, long before it actually came. A harsh blessing - but many blessings are harsh.

There was no time, obviously, to discuss my spiritual development in edgewise. But this opens up a possibility to how I can "end" this.

I'm going to write her an email (which is faster) and let her know that from here on out, I do not want to discuss national politics in any way whatsoever. I can't affect them as an individual, and it really just feels like talking about the boulder rolling rapidly down the chute towards us while we're all strapped to a board. I will tell her that I converted to Druidry, and that my focus in life right now is on spirituality and making my family more resilient. And that if she wants to talk about that, she's welcome to reach out anytime. But if she's not interested, I'll never bug her any further.

I think that will be the last communication between us.

I like that, because it is both me drawing my boundaries with a bright line, and also being utterly respectful of her. She's going through one hell of a chunk of karma. A lifetime of cowardice and keeping people at arm's length, rewarded with isolation in a prison of pure fear. Gods bless her, and help her somehow through the suffering she has chosen. But I must affix my own oxygen mask. So... onward.

After all that... I could use a divination. These times be crazy yo.

Me: Ace of Hearts REVERSED - no emotional/spiritual/creative flow

Situation: 6 of Diamonds REVERSED - no community actions, or harmony, or cooperation

Outcome: Ace of Clubs (Strength) - Courage

Well, this is... clear enough of a reading. I can tell that I am holding my emotions strictly in check, that's the way it has to be right now. I won't be cooperating with others nor they with me (in fact I think it will be the opposite). But the outcome will be courage and strength. So be it, amen.

Sigh... I almost forgot to eat dinner tonight. Remedying now. Husband bringing me food too, I won the jackpot.

Me: I plugged away and got "everything done that scared me", as I told my husband. Also, I did some pretty intense spiritual thinking. It wasn't my "best self" per se (I got pretty cranky with my toddler at bedtime when he wouldn't stop kicking me!), but I did OK. I'll take it.

Situation: "Excess" - yes, that was right. I didn't even GET to the plums. I spent the AM going back and forth politely but firmly with the HR person about just sending out the damn reference surveys, and not harassing anyone who hadn't personally replied to me saying they were OK with receiving them. They're sent! Probably that's the end of it. Oh, and I had to go to the Fed-Ex and literally print out two pieces of paper, sign them, and email them. SO MUCH FOR TECHNOLOGY. I took a 2 hour walk in the middle of the day because I haven't been getting enough exercise, and I'm trying to be nicer to my body, you know? Then I finally sent out the capstone email for last weekend's meeting, and then followed up with the Druid priest. I don't know whether I ever want to receive replies to either of those last two emails, but for my own integrity, I had to send them. I was so exhausted at one point that I started trembling. And I forgot to eat dinner! ^^; Lemme tell ya, during the SOP (last thing tonight), my body was QUITE annoyed with me...

Outcome: I kicked off any number of plans today. First, I finally got over the hump (I think) on the final piece that caused me any concern whatsoever about getting this job. Everything else should be boilerplate. Should. Just knocked on wood. I might also have continued the Ecosophia meetup in my region beyond a flash in the pan. I might also have set up another Druid initiation in October. I think that's it. Or maybe I'm just really tired.

Let's divinate and go to bed.

Me: Jack of Spades - Caution, Potential

Situation: 3 of Diamonds - Craftsmanship, Successful Collaboration, Admiration

Outcome: 2 of Clubs - Debate, A Passionate Conversation

Oog... should I even be surprised any more when the cards directly reference my plans? Easy potential narrative tomorrow: I am cautious about my plans for both plum delivery and talking to my old friend Ericka, she of the ultimate science bent, but there's enough possibility for good to be done out of both of them that I will go forward. Successful collaboration will happen as I manage to deliver some plums to people (or set them out to be picked up). And... at 8:30 PM in the evening, Ericka and I will have a "Debate, Passionate Conversation." Fun!

For what it's worth - not to get too far into 'writing is my only therapy' territory - last year, I considered Ericka my very best friend I'd ever had. We talked for hours at least once a week, and she had promised to edit my first finished short story. Then... she responded coolly when I called her in a burst of emotion (rare for me) my best friend, and I was a little bit hurt but accepted it wasn't mutual and never brought it up again. Next, she failed to even respond when I sent her my first ever finished rough draft (of a personal project not for school), after no fewer than 100 hours of work with that goal in mind. This was a real betrayal, and I struggled with it on many dark nights, but I finally choked down my anger and got another editor for the rewrite (one major one completed; the project still in limbo, however). Finally, I texted her to ask if she wanted a call three times in a row last March, and she did not respond to a single one. I actually got a divination done by another Dreamwidth user to see whether I should reach out again - I was told I should not. So I let it go. And as I realized that I might become some variety of "vaccine refuser", I became grateful that we'd ended our regular contact.

Now that I've been gone long enough to be missed... it seems she wants to talk again. Well! I know enough about how she treats her men (she is very, very single in her mid-40s) to see a bit of what's going on here. At the same time, she is smart (in a particular sort of way - I know her well enough to see her glaring blind spots, though no doubt she thinks the same in the other direction) and fun to talk to. I'd like to catch up on how her family is doing. I'm honestly not sure whether we will ever see each other again, or if this might be our last-ever conversation. I'll be the Jack - cautious, with cards held close to my chest - but holding the door open for some sort of potential. We don't need to be best friends... I recognized upon much thought that it would be too painful to her to have such a close relationship with me, for a lot of personal baggage reasons. But it would be nice to keep her as a sometimes-friend, when the weather is sunny.

It's possible I won't be able to make a divination post on time tomorrow, given the scheduling. We'll see.

Let's see how much of this we can get through before my kid needs to go to bed...

Me card: Clearly referencing my recognition today that, as I have spent my entire life thus far as a direct beneficiary of a community of rich liberals, to suffer at their hands is its own type of karma, and to receive a dose of it in the exact same life, a blessing. Combined with the realization that if I try to explain this to literally anyone I know, they'll consider me to have lost my mind. Sigh. Onward...

Situation card: On an impulse I made a post on the Portland reddit of all places, offering to give away some of the plums that our backyard tree is laden with - I just couldn't bear to think of them being completely wasted, and my dad doesn't want to make jam etc. out of them. The response was overwhelming!! So as soon as my toddler is back in daycare, I'll be driving them all over the area (Dad doesn't want people on the property). That should take up a bit of time, but... it'll be nice to have a positive project! And I can just drop them off on porches/wear a mask if necessary, so it's much easier social contact.

Outcome card: Subtle, but I had a mostly lovely time with my toddler today, got the chance to take a nap in the afternoon, and walked in the park in the early evening (and did a ritual there). I do feel like I went towards healing today - I think my cold is continuing to improve as well (not done yet tho!) With any luck, my toddler is completely better now - we'll see.

Today's divination, then:

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - my best possible self

Situation: 9 of Hearts - Selfishness, Excess

Outcome: 10 of Hearts (Wheel of Fortune) - Plans set in motion

Uh, well, I think I see what tomorrow's shaping up like... I'll have the best possible intentions (and might live up to them?) but probably bit off more than I can chew with the plum thing, lol. I wonder what further plans will be set in motion? I've got several potential options... but let's see. And let's keep them close to home, for goodness' sake.

Another accurate divination. I should probably only write an introduction here when the divination is NOT accurate, really...

I woke up at 2 AM without a sense of smell, and panicked thinking that I might actually have COVID and thereby had cut a swathe through the entire North Oregon Ecosophian contingent, who are on average rather older than I am. A few hours later my sinuses cleared and my sense of smell promptly returned. I mean, that doesn't mean it WASN'T The Disease, but it's far less likely.

I have no intention of getting tested for COVID, no matter what my symptoms are. There's no benefit to me for any outside entity having that information.

Of course, still being in recovery - and weakened emotionally from that roller coaster - I did not get much done today. It was a day of lying around limply, even when talking to the last Ecosophian who needed to kill a few hours before her train. So that's the Me card.

As for the Situation card... yeah, today felt like the exact opposite of a party. I either lay in bed or wore a mask most of the day. I felt awful for being sick, for not being the MC like I really should have been, wondering over and over whether I really should have just cancelled yesterday, and... well. I think I'd been holding expectations for the event that weren't entirely reasonable.

I'd been thinking that this was a group I could relax around, who would be "my people" And - it isn't that they weren't! They were about as close as I am ever going to get. I feel like everything that was raised as a topic, I would have jumped on in 2020 like a dog with a bone. But all the vaccine politics that were happening - yes, even in this group - hearing the political discussions that went down reiterated back to my by my husband, and our visitor (and of course my father inviting himself to rant on and on about Trump, ugh, when will his TDS go AWAY) mostly just made me... very tired.

I'm not entirely the same person as I was last year. And one of the biggest ways I have changed, is that I no longer believe there's any chance I can have any meaningful effect whatsoever on the national politics of the United States, and every minute I even spend thinking about them is a minute that isn't helping save my family's lives from the actual crises barreling towards us.

(Continued the following day.)

I think the real thing that made it the exact opposite of a party, was that I finally realized that for the next indefinite period... I can't have community. Not both community and my next child, anyway. It's time to tuck away, keep out of the public eye, cut back even more on the Internet, and strictly limit my social contacts. (And does this increase our risk of bad outcomes when the shit REALLY hits the fan? Why yes, yes it does. As I've known for MONTHS. But there are no more options left, unless I want to join exactly the communities that my father, who graciously hosts us rent-free, would like to genocide. This was the last one - other than the Druid home church. And I probably even passed on this damn cold to the poor priest who graciously showed up last Saturday, too! Talk about nuking your options...)

Anyway - enough whining. I need less stress in my life, and it is my extreme privilege to have this option. So I'll be wrapping up the meeting with a cheerful email with some pictures later today, making another backyard meeting a few months out (I don't want to be the one to kill the group, though once meetings need to be indoors, that's probably the end of it). My work will provide just enough community to live. And we can save money hand over fist. And perhaps more importantly... continue our efforts, diligently, to live with less on a day-by-day basis.

My cold isn't quite over - though it's healing up at a rapid pace, without all this dirge going on in my head I'd be pretty happy about it - but what did happen was that I think for the first time, my husband saw how miserable I was. He says that it's OK if I don't see his mother for the rest of the pregnancy, if I feel I need that (!). I never thought I would get such a concession... but last night, when he tried to comfort me, for the first time in a long time... I actually felt comforted. So that would be the Outcome card.

Let's get a divination for today, for me and the kiddo who has a terrible-sounding leftover cough, so cannot go anywhere.

Me: Queen of Spades - more pain

Situation: 10 of Hearts (The Wheel of Fortune) - Plans set in motion "As one part of your life improves, another falters."

Outcome: 7 of Diamonds (The Star) - Hope, Healing "When The Star shows up in the outcome position, I often find that the questioner has been agonizing over the matter at hand, which may have appeared hopeless. This card is a strong reassurance that she refuses to give up hope, be battered down by depression, the negativity of others, or despair."

Given the circumstances of this divination - kid running about screaming where was I, loud music playing - this may be the least accurate divination ever. Nevertheless, let's go with it. This is a very kind divination, which feels like the cards took some pity on me. I'll take it :) And... back to childcare!

Can I just write that my prediction yesterday was 100% accurate? It was 100% accurate. King of Diamonds could even have been the Druid home circle leader who showed up at the party, who I didn't expect to come and spent most of my energy talking to so he wouldn't feel too out of place. Fingers crossed that my preparations (wore mask while cooking, wore mask while talking to anyone, had everyone sit outside a ways apart) was good enough to keep others from catching the crud. My kid is already feeling better and after sleeping the entire afternoon, I too am on the mend, so hopefully tomorrow I'll feel closer to normal...

Divination, here goes.

Me: 7 of Clubs REVERSED - not beavering away, "the questioner has decided not to bring things to a head right now".

Situation: 3 of Hearts REVERSED - not having a party, "try to avoid getting sucked into pointless small talk"

Outcome: 3 of Spades REVERSED - better medical outcome. "This card shows recovery and healing."

Looks clear enough - I'm going to continue not getting much done tomorrow, I will be hanging out with one of the party attendees from yesterday as she waits for her train and I should probably keep doing disease transmission prevention, and we should try to keep to serious topics (I'm pretty much sure it won't be a party atmosphere), and this stupid cold will be pretty much wrapped up by the evening. Sounds GREAT, I'm IN.

It's been one heck of a day so this one oughta be brief... for what passes as brief on my blog, lol.

First, the Me card - I was able to be optimistic-ish in conversations with a friend or two, which ended up taking up about half my day. The little one in arms turned out to be rather literal, as the daycare returned my son to us as he developed the sniffles. And on that note...

Hoo BOY was the situation card accurate! Not in that I somehow didn't get the job - through great perseverance I was, in the end, permitted to piss in a cup - but I had NO COMFORT today. Going to the urgent care as a walk-in was stressful in a way I find hard to define. Everyone there was miserable, but in a silent and resigned way, both staff and patients alike. For one thing, they asked my COVID vaccination status on their paperwork. I gritted my teeth and figured this was, very technically, between me and a doctor but... still. I am pretty sure at this moment that unless I am spurting blood or the equivalent--or as long as this frankly evil trend in our culture of requiring drug tests for people whom drug use would not hamper in the performance of their job, continues--I will never visit an Urgent Care again. Ever.

They had some vapid TV show on, like nails on a chalkboard, which I being the only person without a smartphone/earplugs was forced to listen to (literally everyone else had their face buried in a phone), and I begged them to turn it off... which they refused, claiming that otherwise conversations might be able to be overheard in the offices. Really? Their construction budget was that fucking cheap?? Thankfully they let me sit in my car after that to continue the hour-long wait. But what if I hadn't had a car? I am stunned on a daily basis by how cruel this country is to the poor, and how utterly wretched the public sphere has become. It was so striking today, that I actually gave money to the people at the stoplight with a sign - usually I give food or nothing. But perhaps I should force myself to more regularly have food, by forcing myself to pay money (which I dislike doing) if I don't. Adopting that rule might genuinely compel me to offer up more direct charity than I have been. And it's a good time to be charitable, don't you think?

Anyway, after that, and with my kid around, I could NOT relax. It sure as hell was the opposite of "comfort"! I begged my husband to buy me comfort food, all of which I devoured, and it isn't currently doing anything good for my health as it works through my system, either. I desperately distracted myself with long online conversations while my son watched train videos on Youtube, entranced (not my peak parenting moment or anything, but hey... he could be watching Blippi instead). It wasn't until I went outside, after my husband's work was finally over, and did a ritual that I started to gain myself back a bit.

And as for the outcome card, I think in this case it meant "You suck at multitasking." I didn't get done even half the things I wanted to! :( Fortunately this shouldn't overly affect the event I'm hosting tomorrow - so long as I don't come down with my kid's cold, that is. We'll just SEE about that...

And I think we've come to the divination, so we will see.

Me: 3 of Spades - Moving beyond Sorrow, Understanding one's own Feelings - the other source suggests an unpleasant medical connection with this card

Situation: King of Diamonds - Generosity, Happiness found in Nature or Spirituality

Outcome: 4 of Clubs REVERSED - NOT solid foundations, celebration, stability - "this card is still promising great happiness - some ironic little twist diminishes a potentially joyful resolution."

LOL, this one seems pretty clear...I'll have a full-blown cold tomorrow, because of course. I will disclose to all attendees and wear a mask if they request, and keep us all outside and spaced far apart in any case. We will bond over nature and spirituality - seems right in line :) And though there will be a bittersweet tinge to it, the outcome overall will be happy. I'll take it! This feels like a very realistic take, lol. And on that note... time to get enough sleep to prepare for tomorrow!

Overall a much quieter day, at least internally... thank god.

I felt much more optimistic, lighter and more able to go out and do things overall today. That would be the Me card, of course. I may even have done too many things!

The reversed Tower card, too, seems uncannily accurate... as I ran into a farcical buzzsaw trying to pee into a cup today. I dropped in late in the day to see if I could just get it done and found out that I needed an appointment on the Internet, and then when I went home to make one, discovered that there are no appointments available until after the period that HR has granted me.

I actually find this, you know, really funny?? I've descended into some version of petty bureaucratic hell... lol! I'm pretty confident that between the HR representative and her powers, and calling the office as soon as they open tomorrow to explain the situation, we can figure this out. It would be the height of irony if THIS, after EVERYTHING else, was the reason I didn't get the job! HA HA HA! OMG it would actually be so hilarious, it would almost be worth it. ALMOST.

Today, for the first time, I considered writing a black comedy piece about this era we're currently living through, and if I ever do, this stupid piss-in-a-cup episode will be included.

And then the Outcome card - Mike came to me to admit he had been feeling stressed more than usual lately, and that turned into a Very Serious Conversation where I laid out in a more organized fashion my Schrödinger's vaccine policy, and how I was going to roll it out, specifically. Specifically... how I was going to roll it out to his mother.

As the card suggested, it was not really much of a discussion. I explained calmly and with great detail what my plan was, and he nodded along. The closest to resistance was him confiding that he was frightened about how she was going to respond. (He has never once before had to counter his mother at any point over his 38 years. As I remarked after we were done, our mid-life crises continue apace!) I told him that he would of course read any email before I sent it, that my goal would not be to pick a fight but to remove the source of any fight, and finally at one point, that I had done everything I could not to interrupt their relationship any further than it had been, and that the rest of the matter, they'd have to sort out between them. So, uh... not a discussion. I really felt the strain, of trying both to respect his feelings, but also to respect my own shining line in the sand. I think we got there. I don't want to be up too much later - I'd really like us to spend time together as a couple tonight.

So let's divinate!

Me: Queen of Clubs - creative, optimistic, holding a little one

Situation: 8 of Diamonds REVERSED - "someone slacking off or accepting that he/she will never achieve some goal"

Outcome: 2 of Diamonds (The High Priestess) REVERSED - enigmas upon enigmas upon enigmas, or, some previously hidden feature will influence the outcome

A mixed reading... no time to speculate tonight. To bed!

I was slumping along today until I made an impromptu decision to eat half a block of cheese (a European-sized block, to be clear!). Now I feel almost normal! Yay for cheese! :)

(But the cheese rescue didn't come early enough to finish this post... catching up now!)

Yesterday's divination was interestingly diverse... I wondered how the heck the celebration card and the Queen of Spades were going to get along... and the answer was, "awkwardly". I think I was celebrating - all of my references got back to me, and I've got almost all of the onboarding paperwork done - just gotta piss in a cup in some dingy office, and we're golden. I don't even do drugs (even alcohol is difficult to binge on for me) so it seems like I'm about to embark on the next phase of my life! :) I don't currently feel deep existential dread, either... and now that I write those words... perhaps I am celebrating THAT more than anything else.

And... as usual...the Queen of Spades promised pain, and delivered. While filling out reference information today, even though I had the required minimum, the software wanted me to provide several more to "complete" the task, including one more manager. Trying to think back to the last actually good manager I had prior to the one who'd already promised to review me, I couldn't think of how to contact him outside of Facebook. So I signed back in to that dreadful software.

I decided to quickly scan the feed to see how some of the contacts I only know through there are doing - bad idea! Bad idea!! - and I found out: someone found a lost cat; someone went on a nicely challenging mountain hike; someone's front porch was ransacked, probably by her political enemies; and the spouse of a dear friend of mine cross-posted an article titled "Why We Should Just Force Everyone To Get Vaccinated Already."

I clicked out of Facebook like it was on fire, and wrote to the HR person to request that they just go ahead with the references I already had. This was accepted.

The pointy end pierced me straight through as I sat there afterwards and realized that, most likely, I will never see that poster in person ever again... and due to the close connection... my dear friend, either. As in most Fourth Turnings, the times are determined to viciously divide us, in ways none of us could ever have predicted even two short years ago.

Who would have thought that I, for my part, would have ever questioned taking a vaccine? I got myself injected with Gardasil, the most recent new vaccine I can remember, as fast as I could get access to it. I was thrilled to have a lower chance of cervical cancer (I got it while too old for it to be perfectly protecting). I usually get a flu shot - I've only skipped them due to scheduling inconvenience, and always regretted it. I couldn't have imagined that this miracle of modern medicine might ever need to be resisted.

And who would have thought that this Facebook user - a hyper-rationalist, trans, union leader who I always deeply admired for her solid grasp on finances - would have ever cross-posted on a public forum something advocating for an insufficiently tested medical treatment to be forced upon everyone in the country, using every method short of a gun to the head?

As I told my husband when I could finally speak about it (it took a few hours)... I forgive her. She is trans, and that comes with many, many medical complications. Obesity out of the suffering of her childhood; the transition hormones, which seem to not be interacting very well with her system; other issues that keep popping up, then side effects from the medications she is taking to treat said other issues, and so on, and so on... I think at one point she had lockjaw and had to eat through a straw for a while. She's been a shut-in since long before COVID kicked off - staying upstairs during my family's visits, most of the time, due to not feeling well. Per my friend, she was upset enough about her father's passing (a year before COVID) that I was able to read between the lines and suss out that she isn't emotionally prepared to face the ending of her life just yet, either. No different from most people, of course!

The point I'm trying to make here, is that should anything change about the society we currently live in - and I mean ANYTHING - she may very well actually die. If any circulated diseases are incompletely vaccinated against or become even more so; if the medical infrastructure shudders and she is unable to access emergency treatment from some medication reaction in time; if there is a disruption in the medical supply chains, which cut off any of her medications or the transition hormones, and she is then unable to access medical care for withdrawal symptoms; and of course if there is a huge backlash in this country against rank Democrat mismanagement and the Republicans take control--trans people have been portrayed as the ultimate child-devouring bogeyman among that crowd for years now, and now that we no longer "do" medical privacy, will likely be served up on a silver platter to appease the mob...

Can I really blame her, for advocating for a policy that she believes would protect what she has, or even save her life? No, and who could?! Even if I were to tell her all the reasons why it won't work... how could she possibly hear anything other than "You're going to die, and you have to deal with it"??

She's one of the people I have feared for the most throughout all this mess. But... I can no longer protect her. That moment--in which I realize that there are people I care about who I can neither help nor save--has arrived. I would have hidden her in my home. I still will, if she asks.

My outcome card was "choosing security over risk" and as this was the day that my last real concern about not getting this job somehow dissolved, I feel that I have chosen the security of a well-paying job over the risk of crouching in my home until the unemployment finishes paying out. Then again, looking at the world we live in today... what is safety? What is risk? I've chosen the path that society thinks is the ideal one, for sure, and that has its own rewards. It will be good to be paid, to have healthcare and dental. But there's no such thing as a perfectly safe choice. Not in these times, and not in any times.

On that lovely note, let's get today's divination done, and go on a walk.

Me: Queen of Clubs - creative, optimistic, holding a little one

Situation: 6 of Clubs (The Tower) REVERSED - thank god no earth-shattering realizations to come today, "more of a manageable or expected change, the questioner able to handle it graciously"

Outcome: 2 of Clubs REVERSED - no discussion or debate, "will lead to an adventurous, exciting conclusion - the questioner needs to jump in with both feet!"

The cards are lightening up, hooray! A straight clubs flush - does that mean I'll be particularly creative or daring today? And on that note... I'd better go schedule peeing in a cup. Back tonight!

I want to make sure I get more sleep tonight - my body demands it! - so let's get through this quickly.

The Me card, the 6 of Diamonds, suggests fellowship to me in its image of plates being laid on the table. Today was the day I asked four different people if they'd be willing to provide references - all of whom I consider my fellows, and wish desperately we could somehow kick back and have a beer together soon (but most of them are in another state). Half have responded already, not even 24 hours later, and I just need one more to clinch this job application. Signs are good!

The Situation card, Temperance, feels like today. Yesterday was... intense. Today I did not do NEARLY as much physical exercise, or solve as many massive societal problems, as yesterday. That feels like moderation to me!

The Outcome card, Strength Reversed... that card seems to have been literal. I did get myself to the gym towards the end of the day but felt waves of weakness go through my body, so decided not to push it. I climbed the gym staircase three times and sat in the sauna, which felt like the right decision.

Divination!

Me: 3 of Hearts - A Celebration

Situation: Queen of Spades - pokey pointy ouch

Outcome: 10 of Diamonds - A choice of security over risk, enjoyment of wealth, family

Too tired to speculate. We'll have to see!

I noticed that I ended up double posting yesterday - oops! I guess anyone happening to read got a double dose of what I hope, I PRAY, was my personal peak of Crazytown 2021. Today both was and was not a crazytown day. I'll go with not - I'm pretty calm right now, and I believe that I have achieved closure on the two biggest issues haunting me this last month. To explain...

I went on a nice long 4-mile walk this AM, to give me time to think over everything that happened last weekend. And--bless my mind, that idea machine that churns out a thousand possibilities a day if I let it--I finally recognized a workable, respectful solution to COVID vaccine hysteria.

The following phrase popped into my head: "Schrödinger's vaccine". I don't quite know where it came from, but I recognized the implications immediately. Namely, that from this point onward no one else should ever know whether or not I have received the vaccine, aside from me and possibly my doctor. That would include my mother-in-law, my father, my mother, my extended family, my work, any establishment that might ask me for any form of a vaccine passport or be overly pushy about whether or not I am wearing a mask, and even my own husband (mostly to keep him safe from prying questions from other entities on the list). This isn't going to completely eliminate how I've become a lightning rod for others to project their own anxieties upon - but it suggests, thankfully, a path towards wrapping this crap up.

"I'm worried about having another baby" didn't work (amazing! but this culture has been one of death for a while); "Please respect my body, my choice" didn't work (so ironic from those who have championed abortion rights, but hey, we're in the Upside Down now); but strict adherence to this method allows me to fall back on the steel foundation of medical privacy. It is a more "male"-identified concern, too, which sadly helps in this case (and to think I'll be using this tack against at least a few avowed feminists! the craziness of these times!!). I join myself also with the larger "don't tread on me!" crowd, which, whatever my personal aversions to how that philosophy is often expressed, is the heritage of my country, almost to the point of wrapping my dissent in the flag. The country can still provide me this much, at least. God Bless America!

How long will I follow this policy? FOREVER. Or at least until COVID is no longer a concern to the wider society in any way whatsoever, amen.

Here's the nitty-gritty, as I have figured it out thus far: Before I attend any meetings of groups that I have a previous connection with, I will continue to disclose upfront, but only that I am "Schrödinger's vaccinated". I.e., that I refuse on the principle of medical privacy to disclose whether or not I am vaccinated, to ANYONE, not even my own husband! So given that I will never release that information, I then leave it up to the organization/people whether or not they would like me to be there. If they would prefer not - or if they request this bullshit of wearing a mask in a way that would put a very obvious Kick Me sign on my face - I'm out. I will accept that I can no longer participate. For neutral places/new groups, I will scrupulously follow all requests that are made up front, and am happy to wear a mask at the request of the staff/government if it is posted on the front door. This includes places like transit and hospitals, which, I completely understand why they want the mask a little longer. I will limit my protest strictly to my own person - the better to make it more powerful.

This still creates inconvenience and upheaval in my life, of course, but I'd already accepted that when I decided not to be a liar. I'm in a situation where, for better or worse, I still need to interact with others. But I feel deeply right now that I need to fight for my child--in a way women of my race and class haven't had to do for generations--with as much determination and intelligence and cunning as I can possibly manage, to bring them forth into incarnation and into my arms. To fight like this requires both a shield and a sword. Schrödinger's vaccination can become my shield--my uncompromising will to carry forward this small personal protest for as many YEARS as I have to, and to accept uncomplainingly all limitations laid upon me as a result, will be my sword.

And there's one more part to this, too. I'm deeply frustrated and furious over this situation, both in the country in general, and within my own social circle. I am aware that I have... a strong will. And a mind on the sharper side of things. And when I find myself caught up in a situation that I not only feel, but know to be some form of injustice, I get extremely pissed, in an "icy fury" way. Which I recognize as dangerous, to both those around me and my own self. I need to channel these particular emotions in a direction where I can both appropriately express and process them, and don't cause collateral damage in the process. Because... in my own way, I'm risking getting just as inappropriately emotional about this as my mother-in-law.

After all, there are situations - my lovely mind has sketched several out for me already - where getting the vaccination ends up being the best path forward! Just because the current data/this society hasn't yet provided me with them doesn't mean they can't arise in the future. And the pattern I recognized myself getting caught up in this morning was "How DARE you try to tell me what to do!" If I let myself fall into that, I will refuse to get a vaccine going forward for any reason whatsoever, even if it would be better for me and my child's safety. I can't allow that. I need to keep a clear head about this, no matter what the cost. I know that a life could be riding on it.

As soon as I have the strength, I will write to my mother-in-law directly to explain this new policy. We'll go from there.

Which means of course, that even on this blog... I am now officially Schrödinger's vaccinated :) I will never write specifically about my vaccination status here ever again - merely how others are or are not reacting well to my disclosure. I've learned the hard way why our ancestors made medical privacy a right... and I'm going to do my level best to uphold it.

OK, so that should get me as close to peace as is possible with the vaccine madness. In addition, Avery Denison called back and offered me the job.

Since I've already hashed out most of my emotions about the position and its conditions - and the remaining ones are immensely calmed by the new Schrödinger's vaccine policy, mainly because now I know what to expect in my near to medium-term future - I accepted the position. I made sure to take an hour before accepting and do an incredibly in-depth SOP before I called back with the acceptance, though. I had so many internal conversation between various parts of my own self during that hour, I think I could get a diagnosis if I phrased things to the doctor in just the right way.... ^^;

I asked my Mind if it was ready to commit itself to learning the business of Avery Denison for a minimum of 8 hours a day. It was a bit hesitant, until I let it know that we could take the Candidate Year at a slower pace than a year if necessary. We will continue to make progress on it, that's not negotiable, but we can moderate it depending on how difficult the Avery Denison work turns out to be.
I felt, for the first time in a while, the fires of my Will combining together upon a single path. I got emotional - I am so very grateful for the strength and power of my Will. When it is united and focused I can do astonishing things. I taught myself fluent Japanese in my teenage years; I restarted my career from ashes in an entirely new field with no related education or certification; I have a happy and respectful marriage despite my own parents being an example of the opposite. It needs to be channeled and well-informed, of course, and without my Heart in it I now know that it barely flickers. But it's a tremendous power in its own right, and it underlies most of what I have achieved in this life.
I reached out to my Heart to ask if it was OK with this. It isn't happy, per se, but we agreed that these conditions are worth enduring, and I promised it that we wouldn't be staggering through situations unsure if the people around us feared us, hated us, wanted to hurt us and risk our baby's life, any more. That has been the hardest on my Heart. But now, we are going to take back control of the situation, understand that we are following the best possible path at any given time, and actively find our way to calmer and saner human connections.
I chatted with my Body a bit as I've become accustomed to doing (the Body is sassy, I have discovered). It doesn't love being in a room with screens for 8 hours. But, it likes the walk, it likes that we will take more structured breaks, and it demands - demands!! - that I keep going to the gym on a regular basis. OK, Body, you get to call the shots for a little while!
I don't yet do the Spirit Below/Above part of the SOP. I am taking it very... very... slow. I'm feeling like I'm ready to finally learn them soon, though.

You know what? Today was a preposterously eventful day. I didn't even mention the event where three contracting companies all ended up submitting me for the same position at Nike, mostly without my consent, and were arguing the situation with me by phone and email. SHEESH, WHEN CAN THE DRAMA END. But I feel, finally... that it might be soon :)

The divination seems accurate - I moved toward a new life, I achieved both material and emotional/spiritual comfort through hard work and persistence, and at the end of the day, I felt a powerful bond between internal and external, in discovering a new way that I can productively deal with the crazy of the moment. I need to get tomorrow's reading done and go to bed, though!

Me: 6 of Diamonds - Charity, Harmony, Cooperation, "being/seeking fairness"

Situation: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) - Balance, Moderation "The timing is good for progress, but the Seeker must be willing to compromise on some details."

Outcome: Ace of Clubs (Strength) REVERSED - NOT overcoming desire, building trust, or courage "If possible, the Seeker should be willing to postpone any serious decisions, avoid conflicts, and feel emotionally stronger before tackling this problem head on."

So... I'm reading that I should NOT write that email to my mother-in-law tomorrow. Good to know! The rest of them, well, we'll just have to see how this all goes. I'm quite tired - to bed!

Back home after a long drive, I'll try to have this be short.

My divinations sometimes hit accurate enough, I get concerned that I might have a future career in this stuff. Gods keep me from that...

I already knew that the Me card was me moving forward on my life path of spending vastly less money - we continued along that for most of the day, only spending money on one single meal out during this entire family trip. That might sound like we're still splurging (we are) but compared to the way we used to be?? This is practically putting on a habit and joining a convent!

FUCK. I wrote a huge, bullet-pointed post about everything I went through today with the Devil card and the Internet ERASED it just as I posted!! OK, we're getting the Twitter version, goddammit!!

My mother-in-law threw every damn manipulative trick in the book at me to try and convince me to get the vaccine. I managed it, we got out the door. I'm so fucking exhausted right now. I am considering not going back to her house, ever, until I have the baby in my arms. She is currently a crazy person. EVERYONE IS SO FUCKING CRAZY RIGHT NOW AND I AM 1000% OVER THE EMOTIONAL LABOR OF DEALING WITH THEIR HYSTERICAL PROJECTIONAL FEARS.

OK... I've taken a few deep breaths. I promise I had something written here where I was really sympathetic to her feelings, and to the fact that she has bet her entire career and her conception of herself as a Good Person on these vaccines working out in a really uncontroversial way. I swear.

I was really happy to get back home, which feels like something to do with the 8 of Diamonds card. At least I still have the right to hang out here for a while, so long as I cook yummy dinners and don't spend money. And I'm definitely going to do that until the rest of the people in the world get their motherfucking shit together. I am so FUCKING DONE with people who insist that data that doesn't exist tooootally exists, and the potential future life of my child toooooootally doesn't hinge on it!! Maybe it doesn't. That would be wonderful, and I'm praying it's true. But I don't know that, and THEY don't know that, even if they're doing Olympic-level mental gymnastics to convince themselves that they do, and I'm fucking done with it. I. Am. Fucking. Done.

I just checked a feed where a few of my friends still post and one of my friends drives a streetcar, and apparently today a guy just walked up right in front of it, yelled a bit, then PULLED THE ENTIRE FRONT SECTION OFF. There are pictures.

Everyone is crazy and I am going to stay in my house until they all adjust to the world as it actually is, and not what they think it should be.

I did the divination for tomorrow and will offer it here without comment, except that it suggests a homebody type of day:

Me: 5 of Hearts

Situation: 8 of Diamonds

Outcome: Queen of Diamonds

She has an acquaintance who has worked on mRNA treatments for cancer for 30 years, so see, the vaccines aren't new technology! (Cancer treatments aren't vaccinations for respiratory/vascular diseases, but, was there time to mention this? There was not.)
Suggesting I be friends with a daughter of a friend who is a PhD and works at OHSU, the big hospital near me (trying to improve/purify my peer group)
Insinuating that no matter what job I apply to, they'll make me wear the mask and sit in a corner, FOREVER (emphasizing how inconvenient my choice is going to be)
Informing me that any obstetrician I work with is probably going to make a huge fuss about me getting vaccinated (she's probably right about this, which is going to be FUN TIMES whoo boy)
Telling her brother before asking me about it that I will be attending his party next month with a mask on, (which, I'm fine with disclosure but I would have preferred the option to NOT go at all rather than attend as the only masked person there, and in fact I 100% do not intend to attend, I am quite sure of THAT ffs)
Telling me that the delta variant is killing young people! Killing them right now!! (mmmaybe? I know it spreads well, but I think we're not going to be able to pin the death rate down until the end of summer, roughly)
And as a pregnant woman, I have a sixfold-higher chance of dying from COVID complications!!! (probably true, but what's the baseline?)
Bursting into tears over the possibility of me and the baby dying and leaving my husband a widow and my son an orphan that they would have to raise themselves (sigh)

There were more, but I'm pretty tired right now. For a lot of reasons.

Anyway, I pirouetted through that conversation, tried to acknowledge her feelings as much as I could, and told her the truth - which is that I'm keeping an eye on the numbers, running a risk/reward analysis, and if I judge that the situation has become one where I have a real chance of dying of COVID, I will get the vaccine. She did accept that and I got out the door, but holy shit. People are crazy right now.

And later on, after I wrestled through a lot of feelings about "How DARE you think you have the right to tell me what to do!" which, I don't usually get all Scots-Irish on people, it's gauche--but that one poked me right in the Scots-Irish, lemme tell ya--I also recognized that my mother-in-law is doing what I think a huge percent of upper middle class blue-voting Americans are doing right now... which is subsuming all other anxieties into COVID hysteria, as that is The Only Acceptable Fear. Even she and my father-in-law can tell that the supply chains are staggering, inflation has found its way into their favorite restaurants, and if it does turn out that these vaccines are a slow-moving public health tragedy, what would that say about her entire career giving vaccinations, not to mention the hundreds of vaccines she's personally delivered over the past 6 months to trusting people in her community?? I honestly don't know if her psyche could handle it. I pray this wraps up in a year or so with me laughing about how nervous I was over nothing, and getting the vaccine while holding the baby in my other arm. (For full ideal scenario... let the vaccine be Novavax. Amen.)

Anyway. I'm TIRED right now. Sheesh.

I'm comfortably at home and Mike and I are about to spend some time together, which we've painstakingly laid the groundwork for over months now, so I can see how the final card is working out, too. Let's divinate!

Me: 5 of Hearts - Moving Forward, Learning from Past Mistakes

Situation: 8 of Diamonds - Comfort Achieved through Work and Persistence

Outcome: Queen of Diamonds - A bond between the internal and external, mastery not control of Nature

Interesting... I thoroughly mixed those cards back into the stack this morning... hmm. At least THE DEVIL isn't among them anymore. I suppose I will continue to pivot into my new lifestyle, that I will have a productive and good day, and that I will feel like the mistress of the household by evening. That would be a great outcome! We will see :)

I was so tired two nights ago that I didn't even brush my teeth before collapsing into bed - and last night, to come back downstairs after a gnarly toddler bedtime and try to type on my mother-in-law's couch - but let's review and get back on track for tomorrow!

Me card: Yeah, I lacked focus - we packed a bunch of stuff but forgot stuff. I was nervous all day waiting for a call. NO CALL CAME. Imma live my life, the end.

Situation card: I don't think too much happened regarding my fertility - if I'm pregnant, I'll be surprised - but I did feel in my gut a connection with going to see my mother-in-law (we are staying at her house this weekend). She is the Ultimate Mother of the family, mothering all her stepchildren (she's up to 4 of those) and many of her kids' friends, too. She's the bedrock of family help for our hoped-for second child. So, there's a bit of a connection there.

Outcome card: Nature was pretty spectacular both on our drive up, and on the boat we got to ride on that my father-in-law owns. I feel like I've barely kept up with my spiritual practices (I did manage the ritual, thankfully) but the land is beautiful, and a lot of people are (masklessly) enjoying it up here, which comforts me.

Ok let's do a divination before my computer dies.

Me: 5 of Hearts - Learning from Past Mistakes, Moving Forward

Situation: 5 of Clubs (The Devil) - Temptation, Attachment, Control

Outcome: 8 of Diamonds - Comfort Achieved through Work and Persistence

Hmm! Yes, the 5 of Hearts is already me - I have put an incredible amount of work this weekend into not spending extra money on anything (cooking, etc). I feel powerfully the sense of "moving forward" into a different life, one which I believe is better. It's really obvious when we go to a place where I used to escape to eat expensive restaurant food twice a day on every visit... the situation card, ouch! I wonder if my mother-in-law will corner me today and try to convince us to spend our savings on buying a house out in the boonies? They apparently worked my husband over while I was asleep two nights ago. I love these people, but their financial suggestions make me want to tear my hair out. I mean, nothing's off the table in these crazy times, but going in on a "100 acres" somewhere around Anacortes with their profligate friends sounds like a TERRIBLE idea. We'll see. I'm relieved to see the Outcome card... I think I will feel proud of myself and how much I've changed by the time we get home tonight. Well, we'll just have to live through the rest of this "vacation" and see!

Finding myself up later than I expected... I fell asleep cuddling my son tonight. This is always a wonderful ending to a day, so I can't complain :)

Starting off today, I wasn't sure that the positive divination would necessarily be true - I was quite tense, waiting for that call. But... it didn't come. And didn't come. And didn't come. Here we are past midnight and obviously it still hasn't come.

I still have one more day to possibly be both made far wealthier, yet intensely burdened, with that offer. But as I contemplated it not coming, or it coming with bad news (or - would it be?), I became steadily calmer.

As I did the SOP late in the afternoon I reached out for the first time and had a conversation directly with my Heart, at that part of the ritual. It was pretty casual - like "sup? You doing OK in there?" And I heard the voice back loud and clear - "Yes, thanks for asking." I realized that it hadn't really been OK in there for a while. Neither of the two jobs I've been seriously considering over the past few weeks have brought forth a positive reaction from my Heart in any way. Today was the first time in a while I felt my chest fully relax during the ritual. Me and my body are starting to get along far better in recent days (I finally went to the gym, yay!), but I've been telling my heart to put up and shut up. I may yet have to force it back into an unwilling box. But if this job fades away... the truth is... it will be first and foremost an enormous relief.

And should I be so fortunate as to be freed from this burden, as a result of being the best possible person I know how to be at this time... I am taking A BREAK from the job hunt! Sheesh! I don't even really need to work right now (for a corporation, at least - heaven knows I have a pile of things to work on for my/the family's sake...) - why am I still dragging myself through this muck?!

I think I've got another read on the King of Spades/Emperor card. It's me, of course, but it's specifically me working deliberately towards what I know I need to work on. Mostly in a spiritual sense. The card is drawn as if it's a wise, seasoned, not-entirely-of-this-world general of an army. I'm going to see it as the best possible form of what I might become--maybe even my Higher Self. Thanks to Violet for giving me that vocabulary.

And of course the clarity and simplicity of what I feel right now... is The Sun card. Perhaps it is even a new life. I feel like I've passed through some stuff, over these past weeks. Maybe even burned a little karma.

Well - let's take the reading for tomorrow, shall we? And see whether my respite is temporary...

Me: Ace of Spades REVERSED - not so much for the focus and clarity, sigh

Situation: Queen of Hearts (The Empress) - Fertility, responsibility to nature

Outcome: King of Diamonds - Generosity, Happiness found in nature or spirituality

Well, this is interesting... it's almost like it's predicting I could still get the job? :/ Or just that I doubt my current clarity. Or maybe that something else entirely comes up and distracts me! :) Of course getting the Empress makes me think "R I PREGANANTE" but... I'm not, I'm pretty sure. It could be predicting something about family or my love life, though. And that outcome card... makes me think I'll finally be able to sit down and submit the curriculum! That would be a pretty good day, whatever else happens :)

Another accurate day (who is surprised? not me). Tired and want to spend time with my husband, so will go through quickly.

As usual with the Jack of Hearts card, it was a day of feelings I've been sitting on for a while bubbling up to the surface. I ranted and raved at my husband as we took our usual trip to a coffee shop mid-day about how everyone around us is just SO CRAZY right now, omg!! It was... relieving! He took it well and mostly agreed, lol. I think he was relieved at how relatively normal these feelings were, compared to the truly intense moods I've been in over the last few days...

The 2 of Clubs was met at least 2 different ways, maybe 3 - I had a huge discussion with a good friend online about his book he asked me to read about "conversion experiences" (it is by his favorite philosopher). Reading a book about conversion experiences as someone recently converted is a TRIP by the way. I had at least three recruiters call me about random positions, to the point where I was about to throw the phone across the room (yet another source of rant!).

And of course, I had the final (I hope) interview for Avery Denison. This was with the HR person. I may have more energy to give an outline later, but let's just say 1) The offer still seems to be on its way, sometime by Friday, though I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't arrive, as they are checking AGAIN with the overseas big boss 2) She was a consummate professional but I can tell through her words that everything is on fire at their offices regarding office vaccination policy 3) They are clearly trying not to have a large chunk of their employees immediately quit - either because they don't require everyone to vaccinate, or because they require everyone to vaccinate 4) I am ready to roll with either outcome, just let me KNOW argh!

I think it's clear enough how the Outcome card is working out today.

Let's divinate...

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - me when I am in control/at my best, yay! Also, wisdom, sheathed sword, yada yada.

Situation: 9 of Spades REVERSED - no keeping me up all night with worries YAY

Outcome: 9 of Clubs (The Sun) - Clarity, Simplicity, New Life

Praise the gods, a positive day likely lies ahead... it's interesting that I have NO clue whether I will get the job, not get the job, or be kept in suspense. But then again - I didn't ask that! I only ever ask "What do I need to know about the events of tomorrow?" And so far, it seems like tomorrow will be a good day :) Boy... am I ready for one of those.

Another on-point divination - I mean, perhaps I should just take it as a given at this point? Perhaps, but then again, I am still in the learning phase, so I guess I'll keep stating the obvious for a bit longer...

I had focus and clarity today - not at my peak capacity, not by any means, but the intense emotions receded like the tide and let my mind work again. It also helped that I spent today giving my body exactly what it wanted, which first and foremost was a 3-hour nap first thing in the morning (AMAZING). I didn't have enough energy to go to the gym, but hopefully soon :)

My Situation card seems to have been related to the nice long period in the afternoon where I stitched the collar of my Druid robe (belatedly) and watched at least an hour of DVD content on English cathedrals. York is a beautiful place that God is clearly angry at (the cathedral has burned catastrophically three (!) times in the last 200 years, including in 1984 from lightning). Canterbury seems to have had less divine anger in modern times - I wonder if Saint Thomas is keeping an eye on things down there?

Finally, I got a call from the HR person at Avery Denison saying that... everything was fine! They were still going forward with the offer, and so long as I wore a mask constantly while inside the office and sat a certain distance away from all the other employees, there would be no problem! And as soon as I got the vaccine and submitted them the paperwork proving I had done so, then we could wrap all those requirements up!!

Heh... the good thing about going through every single possibility in your head before taking an action, is that you're not as surprised by the outcome (usually). I have imagined those exact conditions already, and decided that I can handle them. The only thing that would be unbearable is if my new coworkers considered me to have betrayed them. And, now that I've disclosed, there ought to be several chances yet to come for the offer to be derailed if that's the honest opinion of the workers... Avery Denison does seem to be respectful of its employees overall. I'd be fine if that happened, as well.

I could hold off and look for a remote job to avoid all this shit - but honestly I detest remote work more than I can say (or write). Even as the member of the office with a "kick-me" sign on their back (figuratively... I hope) I will be able to take a nice walk through the city every day and night, and to see other people's faces and hear them talking, at least. It'll be like being in a Japanese office with a cold... forever! And let's not forget the offhand comment about how companies are now keeping people's personal medical information on hand... lol. Sooner or later an excuse will be found to get rid of me. But before then? I can make money and save it - the pay is solidly middle-class, they have cheap medical insurance, and I just might make it all the way to getting to use the paid maternity leave... before they figure out how to knife me from behind. I went through this with my last baby, so I already understand what to expect. It's the American dream! I've made it!! Ha ha ha...

Today in annals of "things I never thought I would say and truly mean": I eagerly look forward to being forced to become a stay-at-home mom. Can't come soon enough!

Just as the Outcome card said, though, I also feel that I have put down the burden. I've done my due diligence, per the insane rules of modern society as I best understand them. Now... it's time to let them figure out their own path forward, and to live less stressfully.

And on that note, let's get the divination for tomorrow done.

Me: Jack of Hearts - Thoughts coming to the surface, contemplation

Situation: 2 of Clubs - A Passionate Conversation, A Debate

Outcome: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) REVERSED - "Reversed, in the Outcome position, Temperance shows that the matter at hand will create continued frustration because there are elements involved so diverse, so fundamentally at odds with each other that they cannot be blended into a new whole. Vacillation, going back and forth on a matter are also indicated."

Well... this is just great, as a prediction for the day the offer will probably come :/ I almost feel like I can't bear it anymore but... this is a clear sign that all the drama is not yet over. We've got at least one more day for me to stay on my toes. Well... so be it. For tonight, I am headed to bed.

I was so overjoyed by the turn of events yesterday, that I kind of skimmed over my dreadful reading for the next day. Well... it was accurate. Unfortunately.

I had another interview for the position in question first thing this morning, and it was very successful - sigh. Afterwards I went out and took a very long walk, did some shopping, signed up for a gym membership, and had a rather long and thoughtful talk with the local gentleman who putters about our sidewalk-less roads in a wheelchair, who has survived AIDS for over 30 years, about why everyone seems so weird right now. My thoughts: "Our society isn't used to periods of intense suffering. People haven't quite figured out exactly what happened to them last year..." His thoughts were that COVID was an opportunity for people to turn to love over fear. He's writing his memoirs and it's clear that's how he wants to wrap them up. Boy, I hope he's right...

It wrapped up with me admitting I was still unvaccinated, because I am worried about infertility side effects from the current crop of vaccines. Though also adding, the vaccines have been good things for many people, of course himself (very high risk and vaccinated long ago) included. He told me I was brave and an inspiration - that was very kind of him, he is an extremely kind man, and I thanked him for it, but I do not feel so brave today. Mostly just tired, and wrung out like a dry sponge.

I know all this isn't even a ten-thousandth as intense as what happened in Europe in the '30s and '40s, but it feels like I've been getting a tiny taste of the same dish. I understand why the Germans mostly just saluted Hitler and looked the other way while their Jewish neighbors were burned in ovens, now. I understand why almost no one made a different choice. It's like lighting yourself on fire! If I wasn't doing this for my own child, I'm not even sure I could resist as much as I have... How simplistic our school lessons about the Holocaust were! The horror is undeniable, but I see now that no one really understands anything about that period in history until they get a glimpse not only into the minds of the perpetrators, but also those who stood by and did nothing whatsoever to stop it.

My grandmother became an Allied nurse in southern Germany right after the war ended, and she was always telling me how much she hated the Nazis - and in the same breath, insisting on what good people the Germans were, how terribly they suffered. While she was there, she employed several of the local people in her home and patronized literal starving artists - we have a magnificent portrait, museum-quality, of her in the hallway that I know wasn't her style but was no doubt ordered out of sympathy with a man who had no other way to feed his family. I wondered after I became an adult if my grandma was splitting hairs a bit - no doubt the immense post-war suffering of the German people was earned karmically, after all. Maybe so, maybe not, but I now understand she was an incredibly kind and empathetic woman, which didn't always come across to me through her stern demeanor. When we finally, as a society, pass through all of this... I will do my best to emulate her.

After that, I did a ritual in which I was able once again to communicate well with my body. It was pretty unambiguous in its message for me - "Take care of me first, THEN have that baby." Indeed! Message received. I'll start visiting the gym properly tomorrow.

And after that, and after finding out there is yet another interview they wanted to schedule for Wednesday... I continued to feel completely exhausted and worn out and stressed. It occurred to me that if this is my general mood over the next several months, I'm just going to miscarry any child I conceive! So, after discussing it with Mike one final time, I decided to rip the band-aid off. I emailed the HR person directly and told her that I was currently unvaccinated, that I was waiting until 2022 or the Novavax, whichever came first, and that it was due to concerns about infertility, as we want to have another child in the next few years. I offered to comply with any necessary requirements (masks, etc) to keep others in the office feeling safe, but if this was disqualifying for the position, I want to have it be known now before we go any further. Right before sending, I said a small prayer to the egregore of Avery Denison as I did so - perhaps really a small prayer to my former self, my former values - thanking it for giving me a pleasant interview experience, accepting whatever the outcome would be, and hoping that everything would work out in the best possible way for all.

I have no idea whether I'll even get a reply, lol. This could very well be a surprisingly abrupt end to what would have been a 4 (!!) interview cycle. But complete silence would definitely be better than a long, awkward, "well we can't technically fire you for it but......." so I hope at least I can avoid that.

My father will be incredibly disappointed if I don't land this job, and I honestly don't know what I will tell him. I wish I had never told him anything about it whatsoever. I am going to try to move my desk into my room this week so that he can't oversee anything I'm working on, and I'll try to conduct business with the "...to be silent!" maxim first and foremost going forward.

I slightly regret torpedoing Avery Denison - a few short years ago everyone I talked with there would have been "my people", and it would have enabled us to stay in the PMC a bit longer, though not to afford a home or anything like that lol (and their fancy salary healthcare plan ended up being no better than our current poverty plan through the government, sheesh!) - and if they have a more positive response than I am expecting I am still open to working there - but at this point, I would also be relieved never to hear anything back from them ever again. Every part of this experience has been a forced look through the lens of "how the other half live" - how I imagine non-PMC often feel when forced to be at the mercy of PMC. Or, you know... darker analogues. I feel like I burned yet another chunk of karma through this whole mess, but of course, these experiences always SUCK.

I'm not going to do one single thing related to the job hunt tomorrow whatsoever. I'm going to work out, and sew, and recover. That's IT.

In short, I was the Chariot, because I had a breakthrough on how to finally settle and wrap up the wretched situation; the situation was the Queen of Swords with her pointy karma delivery device; and for the outcome, I took on the responsibility (10 of Clubs) of laying it all out on the table, and accepted the consequences thereof. Pat and dry.

Divination for my (oh gods please) quiet day tomorrow...

Me: Ace of Spades - Focus, Clarity

Situation: Jack of Diamonds - Fascination, Wonder, Scholarship

Outcome: 10 of Clubs REVERSED - "Reversed, in the Outcome position, this card advises the Seeker to give up her burdens, put down the weight she has been carrying and accept her own limitations. She's been trying to do too much, carrying too heavy a load, and she needs to be realistic about what she, alone, can accomplish."

Signs are good for the quiet day I'm coveting tomorrow... sounds like I will be able to focus on my sewing, and watch a bunch of episodes on the library DVD about English cathedrals. And, hopefully, one way or another... this situation can resolve. Fingers crossed.

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sh1njuk1

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