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 Might be a bit of a journal post today, we'll see...

Me: I did have freedom today - the freedom to go and get exactly what I wanted to eat, as I worked hard to keep staving off this whatever-it-is. I also freely allowed myself to take a nap in the middle of the day, about 2 hours. It seems to have worked, at least for now... but I also am recognizing this funk is about more than germs in my lymph nodes. 

Situation: Good things happened today... but in kind of crappy ways? We replaced all our tires on the car and found out the rear brake pads needed attention as well - that means our car is much safer to drive, but it did double our expected costs. (We can afford it easily, it was just a bit of an ugh.) I smacked (not literally!) my husband out of what he recognized retroactively was a panic attack, over art of all things. He was in a spiral where he was trying not to burn out on it, but all the worrying about burning out was... burning him out. I put my foot down and told him that there would be NO discussion about art, none PERIOD, for at least two weeks, and that I would enforce that! I think this will be really good for both him and me, and so does he (if we never ever talk again about art it will be too soon, there's some steaming honesty with how I feel about this stupid topic) but it had to hit a pitch of unpleasantness first. Most likely the true root of this is stress overflow from the intra-family battle royale that had been going on, breaking through now that peace has been successfully brokered. He'd been considering joining a climbing gym - I told him to DO IT NOW, because more exercise can only help an anxious mood! So he'll be going tonight, hooray :) Also, the few friends I keep up with on a Discord server were complaining about the suburbs in exactly the way I taught them all to (fuck the suburbs!). At long last, I've convinced them all! This stuff was my passion, no exaggeration, from roughly 2015-2020. Man... I wish it still mattered. 

Outcome: I think reading JMG's post earlier today about the possibility of ADE breaking out this fall/winter among the vaccinated is, unfortunately, what this card represents for me today. As he also stated clearly, it is just a hypothesis; my feeling is that even if it does kick off, it wouldn't be as bad as the worst-case scenario... but boy, I wish I had more than "a feeling" to back that up. I think the real realization for me wasn't so much that this is possible - it's that if the elites think it might be possible, suddenly a whole bunch of recent weirdness makes far, far too much sense. 

On that note... I'll allow myself to wallow for a moment in the sad end of the pool. I, my mother, and my dad's renter are the only people in my entire social circle over the age of 12 who have any chance of not being vaccinated as of this moment (everyone else has trumpeted their vaccinated status loud and clear). Even if we surmise a very conservative death rate from ADE over the next few years of 5%, that means 5 to 10 funerals of people I know or once knew well. Any higher of a rate than 5%? I'll be conducting at least one of them, probably under great duress :( And that isn't even going into the social, political or supply chain consequences...

Not a single one of the motherfuckers in charge of the country has ever read Nassim Taleb, I can see that much! The fat tail on this one should have been too horrible to risk, but the bastards went ahead and did it anyway, didn't they?!

And my mind, ever helpful, has of course reminded me that it is also possible that the non-sterilizing vaccine will simultaneously lead to the evolution of increasingly virulent variants of COVID, which would hit the unvaccinated harder than the rest. So... there could be piles of both vaccinated and unvaccinated corpses in our future, from slightly different yet not exclusionary causes. It's not like there's a choice on offer that guarantees one's personal safety from all this. Not to mention, either scenario carries with it a good possibility of turning our entire modern health infrastructure into a smoking crater. The folly of our leadership runs so deep and dark... it literally boggles my soul. The more power mankind wields... the greater the fallout from their mistakes becomes in turn. 

And yet... and yet. Deep breaths. There is also a decent chance, out of all this, that COVID simply fades quietly away, and that all we're left with are the political consequences and the vaccine side effects. Not that those are any slouch - but, they are at least more comprehensible. 

I watched a video, first time in a long time (I used to watch him every day in May 2020) by Chris Martenson last night, after my divination. He went into great detail on vaccine side effect reporting from the EU, and highlighted something fascinating that I'd had no idea about. Of course heart issues of all types were widely reported, but the highest single effect reported in the data was neurological and anxiety disorders. This seems to include everything from seizures to onset of severe anxiety. Anxiety, eh? I think back on some of the interactions I've been at the receiving end of over the last month and I have to wonder...

But to get back on topic, the card is... as should not surprise me anymore... excruciatingly correct. It feels like a truth may have been revealed... but has it? Fundamentally, I still don't know. The larger context in my supplementary tarot warns that the reversed High Priestess can represent secrets that seem to have been revealed, but may actually stay a mystery. "Someone is obsessing about finding out all the facts when that is in fact impossible." Guilty, ugh...

And thus, I have decided to avoid checking JMG's site for the next two days, to give my soul a little bit of a break, and some time to recover. If I find that this doesn't help, I may actually stop checking all the news sites - I only go to alternative ones, but even so, COVID is the topic du jour all over every corner of the Internet right now. 

Because... frankly... if these scenarios are going to play out, one or the other, there's no longer anything that can be done to stop them. The vaccinations have been given. The variants are mutating. The economy won't survive another lock-down. I guess I could wear a mask? Ehhh... it would be far more practical to buy myself (and potentially the family) some elderberry syrup. And ivermectin. Time to dig up that site that routes generic meds through Vanuatu! Wheeee! 

Gonna put my kid to bed soon... then, let's divinate for tomorrow. May it be an easier day. I'm thinking that ALL reversed cards, even if ostensibly good readings, can create a bumpy ride...

Me: 6 of Clubs (The Tower) REVERSED - problems, but I can handle them

Situation: 8 of Spades (Justice) - Reason, Fairness "getting what you deserve, for good or ill"

Outcome: 5 of Spades REVERSED - not able to win, hollow victory

Well! This feels like a terrible divination. 

Interestingly, I usually get a "tell" very quickly with these cards, but for the first time I had to sort twice and reshuffle extensively before getting any extrasensory response at all, and it was very slight. I wonder if they didn't want to tell me? Or if I am just burned out... perhaps the spiritual exhaustion continues. 

In any case, I will stick to my guns, and see if it doesn't bring about some healing tomorrow. It's possible that if I treat these cards as a warning, the outcome may not be as terrible. We'll see. 

 Me card: I decided to take this card as a suggestion, and so threw myself into taking care of the last round of paperwork for the job next week, not least setting up the payroll software and direct deposit and so forth. Well... I started going through their task list from the top of the page... and read through about 10,000 words of legalese only for the website to crash on me the moment I was about to sign the bottom of the page. GREAT. I also spent incredible effort in the afternoon getting a pair of shoes, during which I had a truly depressing conversation with the proprietor (I go to small local shops for these things as a rule) about how she and her husband and dog almost died during the latest heat wave, as they can't afford air conditioning. I am pretty sure that shop will not be there by the time the pair I just bought wears out. Material focus sucks! :( 

Situation: I felt a tension going about today, both as my dad's friends came tromping through the house and as I drove around on roads that felt very dangerous to deliver my last bag of plums to the outskirts of the city. 

Outcome: I'll fully admit, the Empress card baffles me. The closest I can guess is that the lady who filled up my gas tank at the end of the day was much, much kinder than she needed to be, for working a minimum wage job and standing out in the broiling heat with a mask on.

So today's divination does not seem to be all that accurate - which is interesting! That hasn't happened in a while. 

And that's where I stopped writing yesterday, because I realized that between my recent epic battle against my own family on the astral plane, all the general hectic-ness of recent life and a wart treatment I did on Monday, I am completely exhausted. I've been getting messages - from my own body, from people I've talked with, and from the cards themselves (as I look at them after a great night's sleep!) that I need to slow down and refocus. So I did that in the most basic way, by dropping divination cold and sleeping deeply without Nyquil for the first time in over a week. And for the rest of the day today, whatever the cards may bring... I'm going to stick close to home, putter about doing simple chores, and refocus on my spiritual path. 

Okay, and with that, let's divinate for today. 

Me: 3 of Spades - "disappointment, a loss, separation" or perhaps my period will finally come??

Situation: 6 of Clubs (The Tower) REVERSED - Some problem will come up that you can manage

Outcome: 8 of Diamonds - Comfort achieved through hard work

This divination feels better... the Me card feels like an acknowledgement of where I am right now, with my shaky health and depleted energy. I appreciate that whatever comes up today (there's always something) will be manageable. And I couldn't have ordered up a more preferable Outcome card. So... let's take it easy today, and work towards healing! :)

 I was going to write back to my mother-in-law, but realized that I am too tired to handle that with the delicacy it requires. First thing tomorrow!

I'm catching up on two days of divinations, but will try to go quickly. 

First day of Edgefield, Me: I think this card just represented me traveling, lol! I focused hard on getting us all out to Edgefield, the place I'd been longing to take my family for months now, and which we finally, after several tries, made it to!

First day of Edgefield, Situation: My period didn't start, but I did have insomnia because it was so hot and humid. Also, I wore my mask most of the time indoors, even though almost no one there was wearing one anymore. My reasoning? I was still quite sniffly as I was recovering from this sinus infection, and I didn't want to spook anyone. No one gave me any weird looks, so on balance, that must have been the right choice :)

First day of Edgefield, Outcome: I didn't drink much, and we didn't push ourselves too much either. Finally, there was nothing we really had to "do". I felt a deep sense of relaxation there (and I told every part of myself during the SOP that it was OK to take a break for a little bit, we'd all worked so hard...). So I will count that as Peace through Self-Discipline. 

Divination, done right before Lugnasadh ritual:

Me: 8 of Hearts (The Moon): I conducted the heck out of that ritual and it got spooky. 

Situation: King of Spades (The Emperor): I think I managed the entire day pretty well - let my husband relax in the AM, got the ritual done, suggested we drive out to Vista House in the Gorge, which was open! The first day since COVID started! What a beautiful place that is... I have such wonderful memories there, and now so does Mike :) Then we managed my mother giving us the completely wrong address for the place to meet her to pick up my son, and not bothering to pick up her phone when we called. Just the same ol' same ol'. We asked the guy living at the wrong address what he thought the right one might have been, put that into our GPS, and got there on time anyway. Heck, he might have been the "Wisdom" part of this card...! 

Outcome: 7 of Diamonds (The Star): We hung out for a bit at my mom's friend's farm - her daughter is running it, and has big plans to sell at a farmer's market. Plenty of animals, all sorts of crops growing everywhere... enough to feed all three people in the home for a while if needed. A relaxing atmosphere, and I suddenly realized, a vision of the future - this is what every home with any sort of yard will look like in 20 years - pieces of old cars reused to make chicken coops; a rutted dirt path between all the garden plots because gravel is too expensive; growing a little bit of everything under the sun, and planting young fruit trees with an eye towards the long run... Maybe that recognition would be depressing for most people. But I see in this lifestyle the will to survive. More people that we might think will find that they have it. What we still have, even now... is options. (And I got a good glimpse of just how much I have left to learn... one step at a time!) 

Divination, done right now for tomorrow: 

Me: 5 of Spades - Possible Disappointment, A Strong Opponent, "danger, struggle, competitive"

Situation: 6 of Hearts (The Lovers) - Love, Beauty, Union "elements that naturally belong together will find each other"

Outcome:7 of Clubs REVERSED - no beavering will happen tomorrow, alas

Not even gonna guess - just gonna SLEEP. Tomorrow awaits!

 Let's get this done! I know it will only be for a half-day, but weirdly enough, I feel like I need the support! ^^;

Me: I need to meditate on what the word "flow" means. Looking at my other source, it mentions "block in emotional connection." All I can connect it to, is me girding my emotional loins yesterday and this morning to solve, as best as is possible, my relationships with my former best friend and my mother-in-law. Which I did with as much efficiency and skill as I could muster. Crying about it wouldn't have worked - logic had to be first and foremost. 

The email to Ericka only took ten minutes. Most of that work had already been done. Because I am trying to maintain some level of mutual respect with my mother-in-law, thought, I rewrote the email from scratch three times. First time I was kind of legalistic and snotty, second time was a raw primal scream of grief and betrayal, and the third time (this morning, not yesterday, maybe that's the thing) I hit upon a tone where I clearly explained my logic, drew my boundaries gently but unequivocally, and emphasized over and over again my deep grief that we've found ourselves in this situation. But also with an underlying message: I am an adult, and you cannot order me to do anything. Trying to wave about your money will only make me more determined. As an adult, I will accept whatever the cost of my choices happens to be, but I am NOT a child, and the more you insist on things going your way or the highway the farther away I will pull... and I will take your son and grandchildren with me. 

I went on a tangent in the middle that was not really a tangent - expressing to her my legitimate feelings about whether or not I even want to raise children in this society as it currently is, whether following middle-class norms was even worth it anymore, and asking her opinion directly: how far away does she think we would have to go in order to find a society where children can laugh and play together, where neighbors drop by, and where people relax in community? I compared my son's life unfavorably to the Hispanic immigrant kids in the low-income apartments. Because while he has many privileges compared to them, I honest to god think they might have better lives overall right now. She's a smart woman and I think she'll catch the message. And if our family up and leaves this region within the next few years... she can't claim any surprise. 

Situation: Yeah, opposite of community is right. I spent most of my emotional energy on effectively cutting back two very deep ties (though we will still maintain contact with my mother-in-law, at least for now). I did drop off a bag of plums downtown for someone so that was a small reprieve from the grim task <3

Outcome: I did what I had to do. 

OK, let's get a divination going, so that I can reorient myself to the stuff I still need to do today. 

Me: King of Spades (The Emperor) - me

Situation: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) REVERSED - no balance and moderation today, alas

Outcome: 5 of Hearts REVERSED - "This card deals specifically with recovery from grief"

The process of this divination was a bit of a mess - I went into my room to have some privacy, and then stomped around for about 30 minutes while waves of rage (excuse me, PURE RAGE) passed over me. That explains the Me card from the other day, LOL! The RAGE was what I was so carefully, so determinedly holding back. The RAGE that people who profess to love and care for me don't care about whether or not I even give them a second grandchild or not. The RAGE that they would kill my baby, and maybe even me, just to... what? Preserve their ability to watch more Netflix? Believe that they're such a good person? The RAGE, as I guess I've already explored the sadness, that everything I thought I could reasonably expect from elders and fully-grown adults, they have failed to provide. But... eh. Once it passed, it passed. I've been working through these concepts for a while, lol! I'm trying to fold it into "Project: Become A Better Matriarch". I keep being given all these lessons! I'm so grateful!! LOL!!!

I checked the news afterwards to give myself a break (lol, can you imagine) and noted that CNN is announcing the vaccines have no effect on the Delta variant and that the Wall Street Journal is recommending ivermectin. So let the fireworks begin, I guess. 

Anyway, this reading suggests that I am spending today in my power (so far, super true), that things will be really up and down (so far, super true) and that I will find healing and rest in some form by the end of the day. I'll take it!

 Sigh... I almost forgot to eat dinner tonight. Remedying now. Husband bringing me food too, I won the jackpot. 

Me: I plugged away and got "everything done that scared me", as I told my husband. Also, I did some pretty intense spiritual thinking. It wasn't my "best self" per se (I got pretty cranky with my toddler at bedtime when he wouldn't stop kicking me!), but I did OK. I'll take it. 

Situation: "Excess" - yes, that was right. I didn't even GET to the plums. I spent the AM going back and forth politely but firmly with the HR person about just sending out the damn reference surveys, and not harassing anyone who hadn't personally replied to me saying they were OK with receiving them. They're sent! Probably that's the end of it. Oh, and I had to go to the Fed-Ex and literally print out two pieces of paper, sign them, and email them. SO MUCH FOR TECHNOLOGY. I took a 2 hour walk in the middle of the day because I haven't been getting enough exercise, and I'm trying to be nicer to my body, you know? Then I finally sent out the capstone email for last weekend's meeting, and then followed up with the Druid priest. I don't know whether I ever want to receive replies to either of those last two emails, but for my own integrity, I had to send them. I was so exhausted at one point that I started trembling. And I forgot to eat dinner! ^^; Lemme tell ya, during the SOP (last thing tonight), my body was QUITE annoyed with me...

Outcome: I kicked off any number of plans today. First, I finally got over the hump (I think) on the final piece that caused me any concern whatsoever about getting this job. Everything else should be boilerplate. Should. Just knocked on wood. I might also have continued the Ecosophia meetup in my region beyond a flash in the pan. I might also have set up another Druid initiation in October. I think that's it. Or maybe I'm just really tired. 

Let's divinate and go to bed. 

Me: Jack of Spades - Caution, Potential

Situation: 3 of Diamonds - Craftsmanship, Successful Collaboration, Admiration

Outcome: 2 of Clubs - Debate, A Passionate Conversation

Oog... should I even be surprised any more when the cards directly reference my plans? Easy potential narrative tomorrow: I am cautious about my plans for both plum delivery and talking to my old friend Ericka, she of the ultimate science bent, but there's enough possibility for good to be done out of both of them that I will go forward. Successful collaboration will happen as I manage to deliver some plums to people (or set them out to be picked up). And... at 8:30 PM in the evening, Ericka and I will have a "Debate, Passionate Conversation." Fun! 

For what it's worth - not to get too far into 'writing is my only therapy' territory - last year, I considered Ericka my very best friend I'd ever had. We talked for hours at least once a week, and she had promised to edit my first finished short story. Then... she responded coolly when I called her in a burst of emotion (rare for me) my best friend, and I was a little bit hurt but accepted it wasn't mutual and never brought it up again. Next, she failed to even respond when I sent her my first ever finished rough draft (of a personal project not for school), after no fewer than 100 hours of work with that goal in mind. This was a real betrayal, and I struggled with it on many dark nights, but I finally choked down my anger and got another editor for the rewrite (one major one completed; the project still in limbo, however). Finally, I texted her to ask if she wanted a call three times in a row last March, and she did not respond to a single one. I actually got a divination done by another Dreamwidth user to see whether I should reach out again - I was told I should not. So I let it go. And as I realized that I might become some variety of "vaccine refuser", I became grateful that we'd ended our regular contact.

Now that I've been gone long enough to be missed... it seems she wants to talk again. Well! I know enough about how she treats her men (she is very, very single in her mid-40s) to see a bit of what's going on here. At the same time, she is smart (in a particular sort of way - I know her well enough to see her glaring blind spots, though no doubt she thinks the same in the other direction) and fun to talk to. I'd like to catch up on how her family is doing. I'm honestly not sure whether we will ever see each other again, or if this might be our last-ever conversation. I'll be the Jack - cautious, with cards held close to my chest - but holding the door open for some sort of potential. We don't need to be best friends... I recognized upon much thought that it would be too painful to her to have such a close relationship with me, for a lot of personal baggage reasons. But it would be nice to keep her as a sometimes-friend, when the weather is sunny. 

It's possible I won't be able to make a divination post on time tomorrow, given the scheduling. We'll see. 

 Another accurate divination. I should probably only write an introduction here when the divination is NOT accurate, really...

I woke up at 2 AM without a sense of smell, and panicked thinking that I might actually have COVID and thereby had cut a swathe through the entire North Oregon Ecosophian contingent, who are on average rather older than I am. A few hours later my sinuses cleared and my sense of smell promptly returned. I mean, that doesn't mean it WASN'T The Disease, but it's far less likely. 

I have no intention of getting tested for COVID, no matter what my symptoms are. There's no benefit to me for any outside entity having that information. 

Of course, still being in recovery - and weakened emotionally from that roller coaster - I did not get much done today. It was a day of lying around limply, even when talking to the last Ecosophian who needed to kill a few hours before her train. So that's the Me card. 

As for the Situation card... yeah, today felt like the exact opposite of a party. I either lay in bed or wore a mask most of the day. I felt awful for being sick, for not being the MC like I really should have been, wondering over and over whether I really should have just cancelled yesterday, and... well. I think I'd been holding expectations for the event that weren't entirely reasonable.

I'd been thinking that this was a group I could relax around, who would be "my people" And - it isn't that they weren't! They were about as close as I am ever going to get. I feel like everything that was raised as a topic, I would have jumped on in 2020 like a dog with a bone. But all the vaccine politics that were happening - yes, even in this group - hearing the political discussions that went down reiterated back to my by my husband, and our visitor (and of course my father inviting himself to rant on and on about Trump, ugh, when will his TDS go AWAY) mostly just made me... very tired.

I'm not entirely the same person as I was last year. And one of the biggest ways I have changed, is that I no longer believe there's any chance I can have any meaningful effect whatsoever on the national politics of the United States, and every minute I even spend thinking about them is a minute that isn't helping save my family's lives from the actual crises barreling towards us. 

(Continued the following day.)

I think the real thing that made it the exact opposite of a party, was that I finally realized that for the next indefinite period... I can't have community. Not both community and my next child, anyway. It's time to tuck away, keep out of the public eye, cut back even more on the Internet, and strictly limit my social contacts. (And does this increase our risk of bad outcomes when the shit REALLY hits the fan? Why yes, yes it does. As I've known for MONTHS. But there are no more options left, unless I want to join exactly the communities that my father, who graciously hosts us rent-free, would like to genocide. This was the last one - other than the Druid home church. And I probably even passed on this damn cold to the poor priest who graciously showed up last Saturday, too! Talk about nuking your options...) 

Anyway - enough whining. I need less stress in my life, and it is my extreme privilege to have this option. So I'll be wrapping up the meeting with a cheerful email with some pictures later today, making another backyard meeting a few months out (I don't want to be the one to kill the group, though once meetings need to be indoors, that's probably the end of it). My work will provide just enough community to live. And we can save money hand over fist. And perhaps more importantly... continue our efforts, diligently, to live with less on a day-by-day basis. 

My cold isn't quite over - though it's healing up at a rapid pace, without all this dirge going on in my head I'd be pretty happy about it - but what did happen was that I think for the first time, my husband saw how miserable I was. He says that it's OK if I don't see his mother for the rest of the pregnancy, if I feel I need that (!). I never thought I would get such a concession... but last night, when he tried to comfort me, for the first time in a long time... I actually felt comforted. So that would be the Outcome card. 

Let's get a divination for today, for me and the kiddo who has a terrible-sounding leftover cough, so cannot go anywhere. 

Me: Queen of Spades - more pain

Situation: 10 of Hearts (The Wheel of Fortune) - Plans set in motion "As one part of your life improves, another falters." 

Outcome: 7 of Diamonds (The Star) - Hope, Healing "When The Star shows up in the outcome position, I often find that the questioner has been agonizing over the matter at hand, which may have appeared hopeless. This card is a strong reassurance that she refuses to give up hope, be battered down by depression, the negativity of others, or despair." 

Given the circumstances of this divination - kid running about screaming where was I, loud music playing - this may be the least accurate divination ever. Nevertheless, let's go with it. This is a very kind divination, which feels like the cards took some pity on me. I'll take it :) And... back to childcare!

 It's been one heck of a day so this one oughta be brief... for what passes as brief on my blog, lol.

First, the Me card - I was able to be optimistic-ish in conversations with a friend or two, which ended up taking up about half my day. The little one in arms turned out to be rather literal, as the daycare returned my son to us as he developed the sniffles. And on that note...

Hoo BOY was the situation card accurate! Not in that I somehow didn't get the job - through great perseverance I was, in the end, permitted to piss in a cup - but I had NO COMFORT today. Going to the urgent care as a walk-in was stressful in a way I find hard to define. Everyone there was miserable, but in a silent and resigned way, both staff and patients alike. For one thing, they asked my COVID vaccination status on their paperwork. I gritted my teeth and figured this was, very technically, between me and a doctor but... still. I am pretty sure at this moment that unless I am spurting blood or the equivalent--or as long as this frankly evil trend in our culture of requiring drug tests for people whom drug use would not hamper in the performance of their job, continues--I will never visit an Urgent Care again. Ever. 

They had some vapid TV show on, like nails on a chalkboard, which I being the only person without a smartphone/earplugs was forced to listen to (literally everyone else had their face buried in a phone), and I begged them to turn it off... which they refused, claiming that otherwise conversations might be able to be overheard in the offices. Really? Their construction budget was that fucking cheap?? Thankfully they let me sit in my car after that to continue the hour-long wait. But what if I hadn't had a car? I am stunned on a daily basis by how cruel this country is to the poor, and how utterly wretched the public sphere has become. It was so striking today, that I actually gave money to the people at the stoplight with a sign - usually I give food or nothing. But perhaps I should force myself to more regularly have food, by forcing myself to pay money (which I dislike doing) if I don't. Adopting that rule might genuinely compel me to offer up more direct charity than I have been. And it's a good time to be charitable, don't you think? 

Anyway, after that, and with my kid around, I could NOT relax. It sure as hell was the opposite of "comfort"! I begged my husband to buy me comfort food, all of which I devoured, and it isn't currently doing anything good for my health as it works through my system, either. I desperately distracted myself with long online conversations while my son watched train videos on Youtube, entranced (not my peak parenting moment or anything, but hey... he could be watching Blippi instead). It wasn't until I went outside, after my husband's work was finally over, and did a ritual that I started to gain myself back a bit. 

And as for the outcome card, I think in this case it meant "You suck at multitasking." I didn't get done even half the things I wanted to! :( Fortunately this shouldn't overly affect the event I'm hosting tomorrow - so long as I don't come down with my kid's cold, that is. We'll just SEE about that...

And I think we've come to the divination, so we will see. 

Me: 3 of Spades - Moving beyond Sorrow, Understanding one's own Feelings - the other source suggests an unpleasant medical connection with this card

Situation: King of Diamonds - Generosity, Happiness found in Nature or Spirituality

Outcome: 4 of Clubs REVERSED - NOT solid foundations, celebration, stability - "this card is still promising great happiness - some ironic little twist diminishes a potentially joyful resolution." 

LOL, this one seems pretty clear...I'll have a full-blown cold tomorrow, because of course. I will disclose to all attendees and wear a mask if they request, and keep us all outside and spaced far apart in any case. We will bond over nature and spirituality - seems right in line :) And though there will be a bittersweet tinge to it, the outcome overall will be happy. I'll take it! This feels like a very realistic take, lol. And on that note... time to get enough sleep to prepare for tomorrow!

 I was slumping along today until I made an impromptu decision to eat half a block of cheese (a European-sized block, to be clear!). Now I feel almost normal! Yay for cheese! :)

(But the cheese rescue didn't come early enough to finish this post... catching up now!)

Yesterday's divination was interestingly diverse... I wondered how the heck the celebration card and the Queen of Spades were going to get along... and the answer was, "awkwardly". I think I was celebrating - all of my references got back to me, and I've got almost all of the onboarding paperwork done - just gotta piss in a cup in some dingy office, and we're golden. I don't even do drugs (even alcohol is difficult to binge on for me) so it seems like I'm about to embark on the next phase of my life! :) I don't currently feel deep existential dread, either... and now that I write those words... perhaps I am celebrating THAT more than anything else. 

And... as usual...the Queen of Spades promised pain, and delivered. While filling out reference information today, even though I had the required minimum, the software wanted me to provide several more to "complete" the task, including one more manager. Trying to think back to the last actually good manager I had prior to the one who'd already promised to review me, I couldn't think of how to contact him outside of Facebook. So I signed back in to that dreadful software. 

I decided to quickly scan the feed to see how some of the contacts I only know through there are doing - bad idea! Bad idea!! - and I found out: someone found a lost cat; someone went on a nicely challenging mountain hike; someone's front porch was ransacked, probably by her political enemies; and the spouse of a dear friend of mine cross-posted an article titled "Why We Should Just Force Everyone To Get Vaccinated Already." 

I clicked out of Facebook like it was on fire, and wrote to the HR person to request that they just go ahead with the references I already had. This was accepted. 

The pointy end pierced me straight through as I sat there afterwards and realized that, most likely, I will never see that poster in person ever again... and due to the close connection... my dear friend, either. As in most Fourth Turnings, the times are determined to viciously divide us, in ways none of us could ever have predicted even two short years ago.

Who would have thought that I, for my part, would have ever questioned taking a vaccine? I got myself injected with Gardasil, the most recent new vaccine I can remember, as fast as I could get access to it. I was thrilled to have a lower chance of cervical cancer (I got it while too old for it to be perfectly protecting). I usually get a flu shot - I've only skipped them due to scheduling inconvenience, and always regretted it. I couldn't have imagined that this miracle of modern medicine might ever need to be resisted. 

And who would have thought that this Facebook user - a hyper-rationalist, trans, union leader who I always deeply admired for her solid grasp on finances - would have ever cross-posted on a public forum something advocating for an insufficiently tested medical treatment to be forced upon everyone in the country, using every method short of a gun to the head? 

As I told my husband when I could finally speak about it (it took a few hours)... I forgive her. She is trans, and that comes with many, many medical complications. Obesity out of the suffering of her childhood; the transition hormones, which seem to not be interacting very well with her system; other issues that keep popping up, then side effects from the medications she is taking to treat said other issues, and so on, and so on... I think at one point she had lockjaw and had to eat through a straw for a while. She's been a shut-in since long before COVID kicked off - staying upstairs during my family's visits, most of the time, due to not feeling well. Per my friend, she was upset enough about her father's passing (a year before COVID) that I was able to read between the lines and suss out that she isn't emotionally prepared to face the ending of her life just yet, either. No different from most people, of course! 

The point I'm trying to make here, is that should anything change about the society we currently live in - and I mean ANYTHING - she may very well actually die. If any circulated diseases are incompletely vaccinated against or become even more so; if the medical infrastructure shudders and she is unable to access emergency treatment from some medication reaction in time;  if there is a disruption in the medical supply chains, which cut off any of her medications or the transition hormones, and she is then unable to access medical care for withdrawal symptoms; and of course if there is a huge backlash in this country against rank Democrat mismanagement and the Republicans take control--trans people have been portrayed as the ultimate child-devouring bogeyman among that crowd for years now, and now that we no longer "do" medical privacy, will likely be served up on a silver platter to appease the mob...

Can I really blame her, for advocating for a policy that she believes would protect what she has, or even save her life? No, and who could?! Even if I were to tell her all the reasons why it won't work... how could she possibly hear anything other than "You're going to die, and you have to deal with it"??

She's one of the people I have feared for the most throughout all this mess. But... I can no longer protect her. That moment--in which I realize that there are people I care about who I can neither help nor save--has arrived. I would have hidden her in my home. I still will, if she asks. 

My outcome card was "choosing security over risk" and as this was the day that my last real concern about not getting this job somehow dissolved, I feel that I have chosen the security of a well-paying job over the risk of crouching in my home until the unemployment finishes paying out. Then again, looking at the world we live in today... what is safety? What is risk? I've chosen the path that society thinks is the ideal one, for sure, and that has its own rewards. It will be good to be paid, to have healthcare and dental. But there's no such thing as a perfectly safe choice. Not in these times, and not in any times.  

On that lovely note, let's get today's divination done, and go on a walk. 

Me: Queen of Clubs - creative, optimistic, holding a little one

Situation: 6 of Clubs (The Tower) REVERSED - thank god no earth-shattering realizations to come today, "more of a manageable or expected change, the questioner able to handle it graciously"

Outcome: 2 of Clubs REVERSED - no discussion or debate, "will lead to an adventurous, exciting conclusion - the questioner needs to jump in with both feet!"

The cards are lightening up, hooray! A straight clubs flush - does that mean I'll be particularly creative or daring today? And on that note... I'd better go schedule peeing in a cup. Back tonight!

 I noticed that I ended up double posting yesterday - oops! I guess anyone happening to read got a double dose of what I hope, I PRAY, was my personal peak of Crazytown 2021. Today both was and was not a crazytown day. I'll go with not - I'm pretty calm right now, and I believe that I have achieved closure on the two biggest issues haunting me this last month. To explain...

I went on a nice long 4-mile walk this AM, to give me time to think over everything that happened last weekend. And--bless my mind, that idea machine that churns out a thousand possibilities a day if I let it--I finally recognized a workable, respectful solution to COVID vaccine hysteria. 

The following phrase popped into my head: "Schrödinger's vaccine". I don't quite know where it came from, but I recognized the implications immediately. Namely, that from this point onward no one else should ever know whether or not I have received the vaccine, aside from me and possibly my doctor. That would include my mother-in-law, my father, my mother, my extended family, my work, any establishment that might ask me for any form of a vaccine passport or be overly pushy about whether or not I am wearing a mask, and even my own husband (mostly to keep him safe from prying questions from other entities on the list).  This isn't going to completely eliminate how I've become a lightning rod for others to project their own anxieties upon - but it suggests, thankfully, a path towards wrapping this crap up. 

"I'm worried about having another baby" didn't work (amazing! but this culture has been one of death for a while); "Please respect my body, my choice" didn't work (so ironic from those who have championed abortion rights, but hey, we're in the Upside Down now); but strict adherence to this method allows me to fall back on the steel foundation of medical privacy. It is a more "male"-identified concern, too, which sadly helps in this case (and to think I'll be using this tack against at least a few avowed feminists! the craziness of these times!!). I join myself also with the larger "don't tread on me!" crowd, which, whatever my personal aversions to how that philosophy is often expressed, is the heritage of my country, almost to the point of wrapping my dissent in the flag. The country can still provide me this much, at least. God Bless America!

How long will I follow this policy? FOREVER. Or at least until COVID is no longer a concern to the wider society in any way whatsoever, amen.

Here's the nitty-gritty, as I have figured it out thus far: Before I attend any meetings of groups that I have a previous connection with, I will continue to disclose upfront, but only that I am "Schrödinger's vaccinated". I.e., that I refuse on the principle of medical privacy to disclose whether or not I am vaccinated, to ANYONE, not even my own husband! So given that I will never release that information, I then leave it up to the organization/people whether or not they would like me to be there. If they would prefer not - or if they request this bullshit of wearing a mask in a way that would put a very obvious Kick Me sign on my face - I'm out. I will accept that I can no longer participate. For neutral places/new groups, I will scrupulously follow all requests that are made up front, and am happy to wear a mask at the request of the staff/government if it is posted on the front door. This includes places like transit and hospitals, which, I completely understand why they want the mask a little longer. I will limit my protest strictly to my own person - the better to make it more powerful. 

This still creates inconvenience and upheaval in my life, of course, but I'd already accepted that when I decided not to be a liar. I'm in a situation where, for better or worse, I still need to interact with others. But I feel deeply right now that I need to fight for my child--in a way women of my race and class haven't had to do for generations--with as much determination and intelligence and cunning as I can possibly manage, to bring them forth into incarnation and into my arms. To fight like this requires both a shield and a sword. Schrödinger's vaccination can become my shield--my uncompromising will to carry forward this small personal protest for as many YEARS as I have to, and to accept uncomplainingly all limitations laid upon me as a result, will be my sword. 

And there's one more part to this, too. I'm deeply frustrated and furious over this situation, both in the country in general, and within my own social circle. I am aware that I have... a strong will. And a mind on the sharper side of things. And when I find myself caught up in a situation that I not only feel, but know to be some form of injustice, I get extremely pissed, in an "icy fury" way. Which I recognize as dangerous, to both those around me and my own self. I need to channel these particular emotions in a direction where I can both appropriately express and process them, and don't cause collateral damage in the process. Because... in my own way, I'm risking getting just as inappropriately emotional about this as my mother-in-law.

After all, there are situations - my lovely mind has sketched several out for me already - where getting the vaccination ends up being the best path forward! Just because the current data/this society hasn't yet provided me with them doesn't mean they can't arise in the future. And the pattern I recognized myself getting caught up in this morning was "How DARE you try to tell me what to do!" If I let myself fall into that, I will refuse to get a vaccine going forward for any reason whatsoever, even if it would be better for me and my child's safety. I can't allow that. I need to keep a clear head about this, no matter what the cost. I know that a life could be riding on it. 

As soon as I have the strength, I will write to my mother-in-law directly to explain this new policy. We'll go from there. 

Which means of course, that even on this blog... I am now officially Schrödinger's vaccinated :) I will never write specifically about my vaccination status here ever again - merely how others are or are not reacting well to my disclosure. I've learned the hard way why our ancestors made medical privacy a right... and I'm going to do my level best to uphold it. 

OK, so that should get me as close to peace as is possible with the vaccine madness. In addition, Avery Denison called back and offered me the job.

Since I've already hashed out most of my emotions about the position and its conditions - and the remaining ones are immensely calmed by the new Schrödinger's vaccine policy, mainly because now I know what to expect in my near to medium-term future - I accepted the position. I made sure to take an hour before accepting and do an incredibly in-depth SOP before I called back with the acceptance, though. I had so many internal conversation between various parts of my own self during that hour, I think I could get a diagnosis if I phrased things to the doctor in just the right way.... ^^; 

• I asked my Mind if it was ready to commit itself to learning the business of Avery Denison for a minimum of 8 hours a day. It was a bit hesitant, until I let it know that we could take the Candidate Year at a slower pace than a year if necessary. We will continue to make progress on it, that's not negotiable, but we can moderate it depending on how difficult the Avery Denison work turns out to be. 
• I felt, for the first time in a while, the fires of my Will combining together upon a single path. I got emotional - I am so very grateful for the strength and power of my Will. When it is united and focused I can do astonishing things. I taught myself fluent Japanese in my teenage years; I restarted my career from ashes in an entirely new field with no related education or certification; I have a happy and respectful marriage despite my own parents being an example of the opposite. It needs to be channeled and well-informed, of course, and without my Heart in it I now know that it barely flickers. But it's a tremendous power in its own right, and it underlies most of what I have achieved in this life.
• I reached out to my Heart to ask if it was OK with this. It isn't happy, per se, but we agreed that these conditions are worth enduring, and I promised it that we wouldn't be staggering through situations unsure if the people around us feared us, hated us, wanted to hurt us and risk our baby's life, any more. That has been the hardest on my Heart. But now, we are going to take back control of the situation, understand that we are following the best possible path at any given time, and actively find our way to calmer and saner human connections. 
• I chatted with my Body a bit as I've become accustomed to doing (the Body is sassy, I have discovered). It doesn't love being in a room with screens for 8 hours. But, it likes the walk, it likes that we will take more structured breaks, and it demands - demands!! - that I keep going to the gym on a regular basis. OK, Body, you get to call the shots for a little while! 
• I don't yet do the Spirit Below/Above part of the SOP. I am taking it very... very... slow. I'm feeling like I'm ready to finally learn them soon, though. 

You know what? Today was a preposterously eventful day. I didn't even mention the event where three contracting companies all ended up submitting me for the same position at Nike, mostly without my consent, and were arguing the situation with me by phone and email. SHEESH, WHEN CAN THE DRAMA END. But I feel, finally... that it might be soon :)

The divination seems accurate - I moved toward a new life, I achieved both material and emotional/spiritual comfort through hard work and persistence, and at the end of the day, I felt a powerful bond between internal and external, in discovering a new way that I can productively deal with the crazy of the moment. I need to get tomorrow's reading done and go to bed, though!

Me: 6 of Diamonds - Charity, Harmony, Cooperation, "being/seeking fairness"

Situation: 2 of Hearts (Temperance) - Balance, Moderation "The timing is good for progress, but the Seeker must be willing to compromise on some details." 

Outcome: Ace of Clubs (Strength) REVERSED - NOT overcoming desire, building trust, or courage "If possible, the Seeker should be willing to postpone any serious decisions, avoid conflicts, and feel emotionally stronger before tackling this problem head on." 

So... I'm reading that I should NOT write that email to my mother-in-law tomorrow. Good to know! The rest of them, well, we'll just have to see how this all goes. I'm quite tired - to bed!

 Back home after a long drive, I'll try to have this be short. 

My divinations sometimes hit accurate enough, I get concerned that I might have a future career in this stuff. Gods keep me from that...

I already knew that the Me card was me moving forward on my life path of spending vastly less money - we continued along that for most of the day, only spending money on one single meal out during this entire family trip. That might sound like we're still splurging (and fair enough) but compared to the way we used to be?? This is practically putting on a habit and joining a convent! 

But of course, the Situation card - The Devil - was the one that I ran into the buzzsaw with today. Let me just state the following first: I HATE THE DEVIL CARD. OK, back to the report. 

My mother-in-law hit me on my way out the door with literally every single last talking point/conversational manipulation about why I really should consider getting the mRNA vaccine as soon as possible. Let's see if I can even remember them all:

• She has an acquaintance who has worked on mRNA treatments for cancer for 30 years, so see, the vaccines aren't new technology! (Cancer treatments aren't vaccinations for respiratory/vascular diseases, but, was there time to mention this? There was not.)
• Suggesting I be friends with a daughter of a friend who is a PhD and works at OHSU, the big hospital near me (trying to improve/purify my peer group)
• Insinuating that no matter what job I apply to, they'll make me wear the mask and sit in a corner, FOREVER (emphasizing how inconvenient my choice is going to be)
• Informing me that any obstetrician I work with is probably going to make a huge fuss about me getting vaccinated (she's probably right about this, which is going to be FUN TIMES whoo boy)
• Telling her brother before asking me about it that I will be attending his party next month with a mask on, (which, I'm fine with disclosure but I would have preferred the option to NOT go at all rather than attend as the only masked person there, and in fact I 100% do not intend to attend, I am quite sure of THAT ffs)
• Telling me that the delta variant is killing young people! Killing them right now!! (mmmaybe? I know it spreads well, but I think we're not going to be able to pin the death rate down until the end of summer, roughly)
• And as a pregnant woman, I have a sixfold-higher chance of dying from COVID complications!!! (probably true, but what's the baseline?)
• Bursting into tears over the possibility of me and the baby dying and leaving my husband a widow and my son an orphan that they would have to raise themselves (sigh)

There were more, but I'm pretty tired right now. For a lot of reasons. 

Anyway, I pirouetted through that conversation, tried to acknowledge her feelings as much as I could, and told her the truth - which is that I'm keeping an eye on the numbers, running a risk/reward analysis, and if I judge that the situation has become one where I have a real chance of dying of COVID, I will get the vaccine. She did accept that and I got out the door, but holy shit. People are crazy right now. 

And later on, after I wrestled through a lot of feelings about "How DARE you think you have the right to tell me what to do!" which, I don't usually get all Scots-Irish on people, it's gauche--but that one poked me right in the Scots-Irish, lemme tell ya--I also recognized that my mother-in-law is doing what I think a huge percent of upper middle class blue-voting Americans are doing right now... which is subsuming all other anxieties into COVID hysteria, as that is The Only Acceptable Fear. Even she and my father-in-law can tell that the supply chains are staggering, inflation has found its way into their favorite restaurants, and if it does turn out that these vaccines are a slow-moving public health tragedy, what would that say about her entire career giving vaccinations, not to mention the hundreds of vaccines she's personally delivered over the past 6 months to trusting people in her community?? I honestly don't know if her psyche could handle it. I pray this wraps up in a year or so with me laughing about how nervous I was over nothing, and getting the vaccine while holding the baby in my other arm. (For full ideal scenario... let the vaccine be Novavax. Amen.) 

Anyway. I'm TIRED right now. Sheesh. 

I'm comfortably at home and Mike and I are about to spend some time together, which we've painstakingly laid the groundwork for over months now, so I can see how the final card is working out, too. Let's divinate!

Me: 5 of Hearts - Moving Forward, Learning from Past Mistakes

Situation: 8 of Diamonds - Comfort Achieved through Work and Persistence

Outcome: Queen of Diamonds - A bond between the internal and external, mastery not control of Nature

Interesting... I thoroughly mixed those cards back into the stack this morning... hmm. At least THE DEVIL isn't among them anymore. I suppose I will continue to pivot into my new lifestyle, that I will have a productive and good day, and that I will feel like the mistress of the household by evening. That would be a great outcome! We will see :)